To think that it is normal to love your children more than your partner?(195 Posts)
I was talking to DS today
more like talking at DS he is only 3 months old I said to him "Having you as my son is the best thing that has ever happened to me" Dp overheard and said "what about me! Am I not the best thing that ever happened to you?"
I said to Dp that it is normal to love your kids more than each other, Dp thinks it is not normal.
I think parental love and romantic love is very different, I am still breastfeeding DS so maybe it is the breastfeeding hormones that are making me feel so in love with DS.
How does it work in your family?
That's interesting MI because I have the opposite reaction -- having been in many relationships before, all of which failed for whatever reason, I really appreciate how lucky I am to have finally found someone where it does work, not just for a short time but longer term.
All the guys I lived with before didn't work out. So it's not soothing to me to think, oh I could always live with someone else -- the evidentiary record is not optimistic!
Oh I don't know, MI - I've met a couple of soulmates, who'd been married forever - he saw her on a boat and knew he would be marrying her; followed her home to see where she lived (creepysounding but not actually) and then asked her out all proper like; they were married for nearly 70y before she died and were so lovely to each other. I'm sure they must have had their moments; but their love shone so strong even in their old age, it was a beautiful thing to see.
Their kids were shits though; not sure what went wrong there!
I don't think there is a soul mate for everyone though - and I think waiting for one to turn up would be an utter waste of a life - you can have a great marriage without it being "perfect".
It's precisely because I am in my 40s that I realise that there isn't such a thing as a Soulmate or a Single Great Love of one's life. I live really quite happily with the father of my lovely children, but of course I could live happily with someone else. I've done it before, dammit. So yes, in that sense of course he's replaceable.
' if I lost my daughter I would die '
No you wouldn't though. It doesn't work like that.
Losing a child is the most painful experiences that you could go through, the pain is always there.
But you do not die. And it sort of bugs me that people who haven't lost a child can say that.
There is also the weird assumption that people can only love children if they are blood relatives e.g. a granny can't feel the same about an adopted child or a step grandchild as a biological one.
People get so needy. You only have to see the angst on here if a DC says they love daddy more, or the tears if DC says 'I don't love you any more'. It must be pretty scary for a 3 year old to come out with those statements and be taken seriously.
I think it's pretty normal. Relationships can end, the love you have for your child is unconditional and lasts a lifetime.
exotic, those are very moving posts. And so true.
And I agree with love being unquantifiable.
My children are adopted, and I expect them at some stage to contact their birth families. I'm not afraid that if they do they will transfer their love from us to their "other parents". I expect their love to expand to incorporate other family members, if that is how they feel.
Just as having a second (or third or tenth) child doesn't take away the love you have for your first - it expands.
We can all love infinitely.
Oh gosh, I'm sorry if I said the totally wrong thing! It must have been an awful thing to hear, I'm sorry to allude to it.
I totally agree with you about infinite love -- beautifully put.
''I don't see why people need to quantify it. There is infinite love-love for one doesn't take it from another. There are lots of different sort of love and I don't see why you need to try and compare. ''
That was the really irritating thing when widowed young dreaming-older people saying 'it's OK for you, you can meet someone else' when it is the last thing you want to do! It depends what stage you are at-at that stage I thought the older ones were the lucky ones because they had seen their DCs grow up, had silver wedding anniversaries etc.
I don't see why people need to quantify it. There is infinite love-love for one doesn't take it from another. There are lots of different sort of love and I don't see why you need to try and compare.
Love for your DH is very different to the love you have for your DC...it's not about loving them more or less. Love for your DC is totally unconditional...but it's not always for your DH. Your DC are your dependents and you are responsible for them...you would do anything for them, put their needs and lives before your own, you want to protect them as best you can and god help anyone who ever hurts them...! And it's the love you get back from them too...totally unconditional.
Your DH is your partner and you love him but you are not responsible for him and he doesn't need that protection that your DC do.
I'm sorry for your loss exotic.
I'm glad you've found happiness again. Maybe because I'm older (40s) I don't think I'd have that chance. That might be affecting how I see things.
Not replaceable but you can make your life with someone else.
When my DH died suddenly I felt it was harder for me than my PIL because he was the centre of my life, everything revolved around us as a couple/family and absolutely everything had to change. For my PIL it didn't make much difference in daily life because he had left home years before, we lived 60 miles away and probably saw them about once every 6 weeks on average.
However, although I will never forget him and he can't be replaced, I now love someone else, married and had more children and couldn't go back. PIL can't do that. We have always included them in the 'new' family but it isn't the same. I sent MIL a Mother's Day card because I always remember her on that day-but I feel it must give her a pang because we are substitutes and not her children.
Anything that goes against the natural order of things is wrong. DH and I are around the same age so it is impossible to know who will die first, but we both expect to die before the children. You expect to cope with one and not the other.
Again, I find it odd that so many people are saying their partners are replaceable.
Boyfriends, sure... abusive partners, definitely... but the father of your children, whom you are still (presumably) happy to be with? Eh?
There is no way I could ever imagine my DH as replaceable. He is really the love of my life. If god forbid something were to happen to him -- well, never say never, perhaps maybe someday I would find someone else, but he would never replace my DH. He would be something else entirely.
If you see your partner as replaceable then I can totally understand why you love your children more. But do you really think he's replaceable? Does he know this?
I definitely love my DD more than any other person.
If I lost a partner or a family member, I would be sad, but I would be able to recover from it and move on.
If I lost my DD I would die.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
I would still remember them as a baby, still remember all the lovely times - parental guilt would set in- I would wonder what I had done. The only time that I can imagine it happening is if they were under the influence of drugs and then it wouldn't be the 'real' person underneath.
Do you think its totally unconditional tho exotic ie if for example you have a son who rapes someone or commits dv. Would you still love them? I think i would feel horribly guilty and question my parenting! I dont know if i could still love them if they did something like that? But they say blood is thicker than water... Maybe that parental love stays and that is partlu why some parents refuse to believe/accept their child has committed a crime?
You can still love the child while hating what they have done. It is unconditional - I can't switch it off.
When parents say 'I have unconditional love' for their child, is that really the case? (This is a genuine question as I don't have children) but what if they murdered a sibling/family member, torched your house or physically abused an elderly relative? I would have a hard time loving someone capable of that child of mine or not.
Is it really unconditional love or is it just a case that the thresholds of ehat behaviour they are prepared to forgive is higher?
The love of your child is unconditional love. Plus i agree its a very different kind of love to one you have with a partner
Maryz you've been through tough stuff and it's hard for those who are hypothesing and haven't been through tough stuff to understand. Experience changes perception. That's why I never say categorically that I would feel a certain way in an imagined situation. My own limited experience suggests though that no matter what, I'd never give up on my children.
Well that's honest.
I think I have unrealistic ideas about my free time post DC. In my mind, I'll suddenly be able to do everyhting.
It makes for good copy anyway . We have featured, pouting for the camera, in the parenting section of the Guardian ('Did we have children too soon? MI asks') In all honesty I cannot imagine having large chunks of time alone with him at the moment. I see my post-child future more in terms of seeing my friends and getting a bit more writing done.
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