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to think people should be able to cope with their own children alone?

(287 Posts)
alisunshine29 Thu 07-Mar-13 22:37:16

I have two daughters aged 5.5 years and 9 months and can and do do everything with/for them. I have friends with similar aged children who wouldn't dream of giving the kids a bath/taking them swimming /shopping/out for the day without their husband or mum there to 'help They also expect husband/mum to take kids if they're ill themselves/take time out to help with kids if they're ill. AIBU to think it's a bit daft if a parent can't cope with their kids and basic day to day things alone?

JamieandtheMagicTorch Tue 12-Mar-13 17:30:47

I agree with rainrain

OP i do appreciate co-parenting, and I am fortunate that my parents are incredibly supportive an involved.

rainrainandmorerain Tue 12-Mar-13 14:27:42

Alisunshine - if that had been your opening post, you'd have had a lot more sympathetic responses, and needlessly upset a lot fewer people.

As I and others have said - I am sorry you personally are not in a situation where you have more help, as it would clearly make things easier, and make you happier. I am quite cross at your DP - he has come across in some other threads as simply not willing to do any parenting without you present. Even when he has time (I'm thinking of the thread you started about him 'following you' around at baby and toddler groups on his days off).

You shouldn't assume that people who have help are not grateful. I make a big, big distinction between my DP parenting (they are his children too, and I expect him to pull his weight in this day and age) and other relatives or friends helping out, beyond any call of duty.

Also a lot of women have experienced different levels of support at different points of parenthood. Everything from where you live to changing relationships' and ageing parents, plays a role. Just because someone seems to have a lot of help now doesn't mean they have always had it, or had it with their first child, etc.

You never know the whole picture of someone else's circumstances at a glance, which is one reason why rushing to judge is a waste of time and energy.

alisunshine29 Tue 12-Mar-13 11:56:31

My eldest has no fear of water and is a competent swimmer but obviously would never let her out of my sight. Youngest I am generally holding. I'm not bitter; I do wish people that have help appreciated it more than some do as they'll never truly know what it's like to have absolutely no-one and they're very lucky.

Morloth Tue 12-Mar-13 00:31:38

I am a pretty laid back parent, except around water.

It terrifies me with the kids, we lose so many every year to backyard pools and lakes and rivers.

I both love it and hate it. One of the reasons DS1 is such a good swimmer is because I push, DS2 is pretty competent as well.

I have nightmares about them drowning all the time. It is enough to make me wonder about past lives actually because it freaks me out so very much.

Mimishimi Tue 12-Mar-13 00:28:04

How strange. How would you know why they have someone along to 'help'? Maybe they just like hanging out as a family. You come across as bitter.

BegoniaBampot Mon 11-Mar-13 23:41:08

Oh don't . I used to live in sun and pool land. It was very stressful doing the pool thing wth two youngish children and trying to keep both safe. Still have nightmares about a few few near misses.

Morloth Mon 11-Mar-13 23:12:00

I have an almost 9 year old who swims competitively and a 3 year old with no fear of anything.

I avoid taking them swimming by myself if I can because they are such different ages.

The 9 year old wants to do laps in the big pool and the 3 year old wants to splash in the little one.

As confident as I am in the big ones ability I am not willing to let him go off alone just yet.

We also spend lots of time at the beach, again they are in such different places that it isnt a good idea to have just the one adult supervising.

Of course I could do this stuff alone, but why?

ballstoit Mon 11-Mar-13 22:51:09

I can, and mostly do, manage 3 dc alone. But it's easier and more fun to have an extra pair of hands and some adult conversation. Plus DS needs to have a male role model for more time than the one day a fortnight he spends with his Dad.

Kytti Mon 11-Mar-13 22:49:40

Surely saying 'i could do it all alone but people will help so why should I?' Is not all that different a theory to people that say 'i could get a job but the government will pay me benefits if I don't so why should I?'

Yikes. There you go. Next time anyone asks for help when they're ill, or if a DP wants to be involved with their dear grandchildren, remember you shall destroy the fabric of civilisation itself.

Alisun - you are a nutter.

Kytti Mon 11-Mar-13 22:31:30

My eldest 2 are 18m apart and 18 m later dt's came along. I have no help, but would love some. Are you sure you're not a teensy bit jealous? I envy people who have lots of it, but don't really begrudge them. Usually! lol

I hate taking the children shopping and always wait until dh is home. If I have to, and sometimes I do, I can do it, but it involves HUGE amounts of patience. The dt's have been swimming twice in their 3yrs. It's just not possible.

But we just do it. We get one. I had them 'cos I wanted them, and that's great. Just be happy for your friends, and pleased you can go it alone.

dogindisguise Mon 11-Mar-13 22:01:23

I can't take my two swimming alone as you're supposed to have 1 adult per child aged under three and the pool is too cold for young babies. It's hard to cope when you are sick too; after all you're not expected to go to work when you're sick!

ToTeachOrNotToTeach Mon 11-Mar-13 21:49:26

That's great to hear PrettyKitty - 5 is in sight in this household!

MrsWolowitz Mon 11-Mar-13 21:43:28

I never understand what people get out of assuming they are better than others when they really don't know what's going on with them.

^ This.

PrettyKitty1986 Mon 11-Mar-13 21:07:40

Only read the op...when you say 'similar' age children, what age are you talking?

I would be perfectly able to do everything/go anywhere with a 5 year old and a baby. A 5 year old is pretty self-sufficient and low maintenance.
I did struggle hugely for a good while though when I had a only-just two year old and a newborn. I would avoid trips to town/shopping etc as it was just too stressful. That IMO is a completely different kettle of fish.

MrsDeVere Mon 11-Mar-13 21:03:58

'I personally think it is to do with women having children older. You just get more careful and maybe a bit fussy with age'

What does this mean?

Morloth Mon 11-Mar-13 20:57:57

Independence is an important lesson, and so is learning to look after the people you love.

If my DSs behaved in the way your DH does I would be appalled.

I don't 'cope' with my children, in my world parenting is not something to be endured.

working9while5 Mon 11-Mar-13 20:30:47

"SHe has 1 DD 8 months and i constantly late and has to feed jars as she doesnt have time to cook even though she is a SAHM too"

This was me with ds1. I had postnatal depression and OCD and no one knew, not even me. I just felt totally overwhelmed as we had no friends or family and I was feeling pretty anxious.

I never understand what people get out of assuming they are better than others when they really don't know what's going on with them.

sherazade Mon 11-Mar-13 20:14:44

Yanbu. I had a neighbour once who used to constantly try to rub it in that I was doing everything alone because dh works away and my kids are 1.5 yrs apart; they were then 4 and 5.5. She'd make comments like 'I don't now how you let him get away with it', 'I'd have a nervous breakdown if i were you', ' You poor thing, how on earth are you going to get through the week?', over and over again as if to wear me down. I honestly found it do-able and believed she was doing this because her own partner often left her with the children for no apparent reason and she couldn't cope so it would make it easier if I just broke down with her.

Bogeyface Mon 11-Mar-13 19:50:38

I wonder if the OP is referring to people who simply refuse to do anything without help, or even try. I know people like this, and I can't help thinking how on earth they would cope if the worst happened. Surely part of being a parent is learning to cope alone to make sure that your children will always be looked after should something awful happen?

I wouldnt like to be the woman married to a man who cant take care of his own kids for an hour, let alone full time. What if I died or became fully dependent myself? Or, MH issues aside, be the woman who wont bath her own kids or go shopping without someone holding my hand. They may not always be there to do that.

ToTeachOrNotToTeach Mon 11-Mar-13 19:24:33

Unless partner works away. In which case it sucks. I think what is sad is that so many people take the support from mum or partner for granted and don't realise how hard it can be if you don't have that help. But that applies in all areas of life. I'm sure childless couples might say I take it for granted I have a child etc.

It reallyis tough with no support. Of course its better if its there!

Yfronts Mon 11-Mar-13 19:13:15

I do almost everything with my kids without my DH. However if I''m bed ridden with illness, it's quite reasonable to expect partner to be in charge of the kids.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Mon 11-Mar-13 18:21:43

I think most people can manage by themselves.

There are 15 months between my two. my eldest has a physical disability and they both have autism and my youngest has adhd.

I can manage.

But if I don't have to, then bloody great! grin

I think perhaps you are thinking that people actually think they would be incapable of managing and harm would befall the children grin that is not the case.

I think it's simply the case that it's nice to have someone give you a hand, if that's possible. Even if that means planning things round someone being able to help out. Why not do things in the way that is easier, if that's an option for you and it's what you want?

I am sure that if your friends were in a situation where there was truly nobody in the world to help them - they would be fine. Many, many people are.

leaharrison11 Mon 11-Mar-13 17:46:58

Perfectly put curly.

I am a sahm , very very rare do i have "help" once when i had a bad virus and once for a night out, i didnt know this made me a bad mother, [gives son child lines number ] i think op you are being very judgemental and stereotypical, yes there ate some lazy parents out there that pass there kids off when ever they can but most people just like having there partners mothers around i no i had a partner and was going shopping i would want him to come or if me and DS was going swimming of course id want him there, i go to see my mother nearly everyday not for "help" but to have a chat with and adult and to get out of the house and so my DS can spend time with his nanny!!

I would also like i add i do NOT cope with my son u dont cope with a child u raise a child and love a child and enjoy parenting not bleeding cope !!

Rant over grin

I haven't read all this thread because it's making me angry. Too many sweeping statements about the reason behind parents roping someone else on to help them with their child and very little thought as to reasons why some people might do it more often than others.

Yes, there are lazy or useless parents that take advantage of others and sit back and don't put the effort in themselves. But when people on here are slagging people they know off when they really don't know the circumstances then I find that short-sighted and plain nasty.

FGS, even those slagging off sahm's haven't given thought to the fact that maybe for some if them, visiting their mum most days might be their only conversation they have with another adult the whole week. Someone who works gets to actually speak to adults (imagine that!) and gets applauded for managing it all yet the parent who stays at home is somehow not allowed any interaction with another adult as that's being a bit pathetic really or lazy, according to the OP.

Just because people CAN cope alone doesn't necessarily mean they should. Yes, I'm sure I could manage my kids when I'm ill but my mum steps in to help out because, hey, guess what? She loves me and wants to make the difficult times in my life a bit less unpleasant for me if she can! A most difficult concept for you to understand, Op - maybe you don't come from the same kind of caring and thoughtful family that I do.

God help your own children if they should everneed you as parents - you will be the type to say "well, I managed on my own so you should too."

Just a cold-hearted way of going through life, it if it works for you and leaves you feeling happier knowing you do it all yourself, then martyr away! There are no prizes except your own self-satisfaction .

MrsWolowitz Mon 11-Mar-13 16:21:25

MrsDV as always, you are spot on thanks

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