to think people should be able to cope with their own children alone?

(287 Posts)
alisunshine29 Thu 07-Mar-13 22:37:16

I have two daughters aged 5.5 years and 9 months and can and do do everything with/for them. I have friends with similar aged children who wouldn't dream of giving the kids a bath/taking them swimming /shopping/out for the day without their husband or mum there to 'help They also expect husband/mum to take kids if they're ill themselves/take time out to help with kids if they're ill. AIBU to think it's a bit daft if a parent can't cope with their kids and basic day to day things alone?

ukatlast Thu 07-Mar-13 23:38:34

YABU
As others have said, it's your age gap that has given you these magical powers. You have basically waited for your first child to be Reception age (able to be reasoned with in most cases) before having your newborn.
Try 2 1/2 alongside a newborn and it is a different matter. I would do the supermarket and toddler groups but not swimming with my harder age gaps.
At 13 and 11 they are a breeze though....

MagicHouse Thu 07-Mar-13 23:39:24

I think often people don't realise what they are capable of if they've never had to experience "doing it alone". I'm an LP and obviously do lots alone now and it's fine (though still love time with my mum, my ex MIL, friends etc etc). When I was married I used to feel I needed support most of the time with outings etc etc.
So I think YABU, but I can understand you might be frustrated if people say or imply they "cannot cope" when in your experience doings things alone is perfectly possible!

MorrisZapp Thu 07-Mar-13 23:39:40

I have one kid, and he is in nursery most of the week. If I'm on my own with him at the weekend (dp doing his hobby or whatever) I try to rope in help.

I find parenting really, really hard. But we're all different. I bet I'm good at some stuff that you don't feel confident in, public speaking perhaps.

TheChaoGoesMu Thu 07-Mar-13 23:41:25

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perplexedpirate Thu 07-Mar-13 23:43:58

I have one (amazing, well-behaved, NT, 5.2) child. I need all the help I can get.
I'm a terrible parent, and I don't care who knows it.
DS thinks I'm fab, and that's all that matters. grin

eavesdropping Thu 07-Mar-13 23:46:22

I wasn't saying mother, I said parent. I agree parenting is team work but do think both parents should be capable of doing everything alone should they have to - I.e if their DP was hospitalised

My DH was hospitalised for a fortnight last year with a serious brain injury. He nearly died. Thank fuck I had the support of both our families to look after our then 11 month old so that I could spend time at his bedside.

How do you suggest I could have done everything alone? It wouldn't have been practical to have taken a baby into a neuro ward for hours on end every day. To have spoken to consultants whilst looking after a baby. Carting a baby round the hospital so I could accompany him to his scans. So I guess I would have stayed at home with the baby and left my DH on his own. That would have been nice.

IneedAgoldenNickname Thu 07-Mar-13 23:48:27

OP, I bet your friends could cope alone if they had to. But they don't, so why should they?

blackeyedsusan Thu 07-Mar-13 23:50:13

he he morris. I am a single parent with 2 children, one with asd aand cope on my own...but public speaking, no way! you know when they say you knees knock? mine shook so hard in fright that they rattled together. and I had to hold onto the podium to stay upright. (proves your point that we are all diffeent and all good at something) ( oh and bugger you, knees have gone wobbly at the thought!) grin

gaelicsheep Thu 07-Mar-13 23:50:56

Even with a slightly smaller age gap there are very difficult times. Like the toddler who will not sit in the trolley, requiring carrying, alongside thd 5 year old who you can't take your eyes off for a second. If you choose to go and do the main food shop with them both in tow, if you don't have to, then martyrdom awaits. And another trip to get all the things you forgot the first time.

TheChaoGoesMu Thu 07-Mar-13 23:51:40

Oh yeah Eaves, I'm right there with you on that one. Its bloody hard. And if you have friends and family around you, then quite rightly you ask for their help. Hope your dh is recovering now.

beansmum Thu 07-Mar-13 23:53:10

Most people cope perfectly well with their own kids when they have to, but if other parents/grannies/friends make it a bit easier/more fun then what's wrong with that?

I'm a single parent with no friends or family nearby and I cope just fine, but if I did have a husband I would certainly expect him to look after ds if I was ill. Or if I was fed up, or tired or had something else I wanted to do.

whateveritakes Thu 07-Mar-13 23:53:20

Er TheChaoGoesMu it's is what it is. Women are having children older.

I'm older now and a mum and I see how my friends are( obviously after being younger). Lot's of mums I know would not have been like this having children in their 20's.

It's a well thought out opinion over 25 years of looking after children.

What's with the "dickhead" comment?

cory Thu 07-Mar-13 23:58:47

Before we decide if this is a new development due to women giving birth older, shouldn't we try to ascertain whether women in the past did in fact spend less time drawing on the support of their mothers, friends, unmarried sisters etc? I am not so sure.

Not so long ago, middle class families (even ones with modest incomes) would have had at least one female servant, so there would be another female in the house for back-up. Urban working class families traditionally lived very close together which made it easier to work together in bringing up families. Read Family and Kinship in East London; it makes it very clear that families expected to support each other.

Let's also remember that a few decades ago, there was far less pressure on mothers to take their children out to activities all the time. And once children got to the age of 5 or so, they would be left at home whilst mum went shopping. Or playing in the street with other children.

TheChaoGoesMu Thu 07-Mar-13 23:59:48

Is it a well thought out opinion? Or just yours? Links to your research please.

It sounds like a bit of a sweeping statement to me, and as I fall into the older parent category, somewhat offensive.

TheChaoGoesMu Fri 08-Mar-13 00:00:47

That was to whatever btw.

eavesdropping Fri 08-Mar-13 00:02:57

TheChaoGoesMu Thanks. Thankfully he's made a full recovery - and as such, if I were ill, I would bloody well expect his help!

TheChaoGoesMu Fri 08-Mar-13 00:07:01

Absolutely Eaves. Its a two way street. Glad he's ok now.

TheChaoGoesMu Fri 08-Mar-13 00:09:29

Well thought out post btw Cory. And there will be some truth in that.

MorrisZapp Fri 08-Mar-13 00:16:29

Blackeyedsusan, I know you're not looking for a medal but seriously, you deserve one.

Meanwhile, I had the entire golf club in hysterics at my self penned speech on Burns Night smile my knees did knock a bit, but I felt exhilarated afterwards. And drunk, that helped. Bit like parenting really.

Titchyboomboom Fri 08-Mar-13 00:20:46

I know exactly what you mean. I have friends who just won't do things if nobody can come e.g. Go to the park, shops... I don't think op wants a medal, it is an observation.., I see personally this happening in my village and think it is odd how upset some friends get at the potential situations which may develop if nobody can help them.

Geckoandthemonkey Fri 08-Mar-13 00:24:45

Get. A. Grip. We are all different. I do everything myself cos dh works silly hours & both our parents live abroad. And there's a 2.5 age gap between my dcs. You have your older dc to help you with baby. I don't post a thread on here boasting of my greatness as a parent who can do it all while passing judgement on those who are fortunate to have a support network & use it & why shouldn't they?? Co-parent my arse. The clue is in the name parentS grandPARENTS YABVU

Bessie123 Fri 08-Mar-13 00:27:47

I haven't read the whole thread but OP, I want to congratulate you on a brilliantly provocative post. grin

I had to conduct a choir for the first time last year. In the performance, my legs were shaking uncontrollably, which transmitted through the floorboards. Someone had set their camera up to record it, and when we watched the video, everyone wondered why the image was so shaky! I kept quiet. blush

It's a marathon, not a sprint.

I could do everything myself, but I like to save my strength for when I have to.

There's no way in hell I'd make DH look after DC when he's ill, unless it was totally unavoidable, and I don't see why it shouldn't be the same for me.

Nice smug OP. Well done.

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