To expect that a mum supervises the children on a play date?

(307 Posts)
Livvilou Tue 19-Feb-13 20:27:30

Please bear with this long post. At my DDs school play dates are common. I am not so bothered about them as I didn't go to people's houses when I was a child. My DD went to a child's house the mother told me she would pick her up from school. I called later and it seemed to me the mother was not at her house as expected. I sent my DH to pick up our daughter and the mother of the child said she had run an errand and left my DD with her partner and her daughter. Her partner had also picked up my DD from school but I didn't even know his name, he has only ever said hello to me and she said she would pick up my DD. my DD didn't have a good time at the playdate because her daughter didn't want to play with my DD because another friend of hers was also at the house. The same mother asked if my DD could go on another play date and this time I spoke to her about what happened last time. She claimed to have no knowledge of the fact that her daughter didn't want to play with mine. Which is ludicrous as she told this to my husband when he came to pick up DD and my DD told me what happened too.
Today my DD went to another child house. This child was supposed to come to our house and this morning her father tell me she wants my DD to come to her house. I said this isn't what has been agreed. The father says he asked his daughter today and she wanted my DD to come to their house. He then asks my DD if she wants to go to their house. Of course she says yes. I was livid! The mother made the original appointment with me, and didn't tell me she would be working. I dropped my DD off at the house and her friend comes to the door in a vest and pants and I wonder what she is doing. Her father says she is dressing up. I pick my DD up an hour later and find that she has also been dressing up and has to put her trousers and socks on before she can go home with me. I do not feel happy having my DD being supervised my male partners. I am not saying that anything has happened but I can't imagine why this isn't seen as strange. My DH spoke with our DD and told her she is not to undress at anyone's house and she said the house was really hot, and she is right as I remember thinking that as I stood at the living room door. I understand that dads also look after their kids and i think that is great, but in the climate that we live today, I need to feel I am doing every thing I can to keep my DD safe without being paranoid. Any thoughts as I have been in a distressed state all day. Not only because a 5 year old managed to change the plans, but because I feel now I have to explain myself to keep my DD safe. I am sure I will upset someone if I say what I really want, ie. for the mother to be there at the play date. I have felt terrible all day from the worry.

AngelWreakinHavoc Fri 22-Feb-13 12:32:46

exotic it does seem that way. Fortunately for my dd ( and my ex) they are not surrounded by sexist parents at the school gate and my dd has a good social life including shock horror having friends over to sleep and everything!

THERhubarb Fri 22-Feb-13 13:07:05

I think the OP was reacting defensively as she was torn apart. This is how I see it.

I don't think she was tarring all men with the same brush at all. She made the point in her first post that she did not know the father. She didn't know his name or anything about him.

Same when she went to collect her dd. She had made arrangements for this friend to come round to hers, she made those plans with the mother, then the father (who she doesn't know) turns up and says that he wants her dd to play at theirs instead. When she turns up to collect her dd, they have been playing dressing up and her dd doesn't have her trousers on.

Now we can all get super paranoid about that but to be fair we all have parenting boundaries. When my kids were younger I would not have felt comfortable with them getting undressed at a friend's house either. It may be different if I had known the parents but if it was first time round at a friend's house with adults I didn't know then I would also be worried.

As a mother I would also discourage visiting young children to get undressed at my house. I remember a party I had for my ds when he was 6. These little horrors all came into the house and one little lad was running around with his trousers round his ankles showing everyone his bum and willy. My dh actually told him that if he didn't pull his trousers up we'd call his parents.

Kids will be kids though! But I was very aware that the parents didn't know us very well and so I really didn't want their kids getting undressed at ours. And that's with me there. I would also not let dh supervise young kids who he didn't know alone. Not because I don't trust dh but it's not fair on the child to leave them with an adult they barely know.

So I don't think the OP is being unreasonable. But some of you have different boundaries and that's fine.

I think the OP is quite protective of her first child and I'm certainly not going to berate her for that. She never, at any point, said that her fears were based purely on the fact that it was a man. Never. She made it quite clear that she didn't know him and that, I think, was her main point. This was the mother's partner who she didn't know.

exoticfruits Fri 22-Feb-13 13:19:38

I follow all that BUT if the Dad always did the school run, she saw him everyday, and the mother was always at work , she still wouldn't want her DC going home with him.

Groovee Fri 22-Feb-13 13:23:19

If you are uncomfortable with your dd going to others to play and may be have lunch or tea, then it's best to say no.

As someone who works with children, it's sometimes other women I am wary off. There is one mother I'd never leave my children with despite her desperately offering a lot to have them.

When I've felt uncomfortable I've just said no!

5madthings Fri 22-Feb-13 14:12:26

exoticmy do does shifts and so does the school run quotes bit, more than me often and parents who know him now talk to him, but there is a definite difference in the way I found it much easier to involve myself in playground chat and integrate. It helps that we have three children at the school so have been around years but certainly with reception class parents it was/is harder for him to chat to them at drop off and pick up. Those who have older children in the school and so already know dp are fine but those new to the school experience would talk to me when I did drop off and not to dp. Its better now as its been few months, but there was a sort oif women sticking together and not talking to the dads that did drop off to begin with smile

Oh for goodness sake.

My ex had DDs birthday party this year. Eleventy million wee girls for a sleepover. He made pizza and fajitas with ice cream for afters.

I stayed at my house and drank wine. I call that a win win grin

Why is this even an issue? Both parents are just parents. There is no more reason to think the father will be a child molester than there is to think the mother will be a raving alcoholic or child abuser.

shesariver Fri 22-Feb-13 21:11:20

As my DH is a male child-minder I'm just glad the parents of his mindees aren't as narrow minded as some here thankfully!

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