To expect that a mum supervises the children on a play date?

(307 Posts)
Livvilou Tue 19-Feb-13 20:27:30

Please bear with this long post. At my DDs school play dates are common. I am not so bothered about them as I didn't go to people's houses when I was a child. My DD went to a child's house the mother told me she would pick her up from school. I called later and it seemed to me the mother was not at her house as expected. I sent my DH to pick up our daughter and the mother of the child said she had run an errand and left my DD with her partner and her daughter. Her partner had also picked up my DD from school but I didn't even know his name, he has only ever said hello to me and she said she would pick up my DD. my DD didn't have a good time at the playdate because her daughter didn't want to play with my DD because another friend of hers was also at the house. The same mother asked if my DD could go on another play date and this time I spoke to her about what happened last time. She claimed to have no knowledge of the fact that her daughter didn't want to play with mine. Which is ludicrous as she told this to my husband when he came to pick up DD and my DD told me what happened too.
Today my DD went to another child house. This child was supposed to come to our house and this morning her father tell me she wants my DD to come to her house. I said this isn't what has been agreed. The father says he asked his daughter today and she wanted my DD to come to their house. He then asks my DD if she wants to go to their house. Of course she says yes. I was livid! The mother made the original appointment with me, and didn't tell me she would be working. I dropped my DD off at the house and her friend comes to the door in a vest and pants and I wonder what she is doing. Her father says she is dressing up. I pick my DD up an hour later and find that she has also been dressing up and has to put her trousers and socks on before she can go home with me. I do not feel happy having my DD being supervised my male partners. I am not saying that anything has happened but I can't imagine why this isn't seen as strange. My DH spoke with our DD and told her she is not to undress at anyone's house and she said the house was really hot, and she is right as I remember thinking that as I stood at the living room door. I understand that dads also look after their kids and i think that is great, but in the climate that we live today, I need to feel I am doing every thing I can to keep my DD safe without being paranoid. Any thoughts as I have been in a distressed state all day. Not only because a 5 year old managed to change the plans, but because I feel now I have to explain myself to keep my DD safe. I am sure I will upset someone if I say what I really want, ie. for the mother to be there at the play date. I have felt terrible all day from the worry.

CognitiveOverload Tue 19-Feb-13 20:35:32

I don't see the difference between it being a man or a woman. I probably wouldn't be happy for my child to be in a house where I didnt know the family well. I don't know...my child is only 3 but you never really know anyone well enough do you...tricky

WorraLiberty Tue 19-Feb-13 20:36:09

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orangeandlemons Tue 19-Feb-13 20:38:06

Now I'm worried! Dd has a play date tomorrow. I can't be here so dh is hosting it. I have told the parents though!

CognitiveOverload Tue 19-Feb-13 20:40:20

What's ODFOD?

DialsMavis Tue 19-Feb-13 20:40:35

So...... If one of your DDs friends didn't have a mum or had one that worked F/T and the Dad was SAH, then you wouldn't allow your daughter to socialise with them?

Do you think the filthy paedo had the heating up so high, so that the girls would strip off? hmm

exoticfruits Tue 19-Feb-13 20:42:18

I thought that you were going to say that they were left at home alone-she only popped out for an errand and the father was there-I don't see the problem. Children like to play dressing up.
My DH is perfectly normal and responsible-heaven help the thought that children are not safe unless I am there to protect them!

usualsuspect Tue 19-Feb-13 20:43:15

FFS.

exoticfruits Tue 19-Feb-13 20:43:18

I looked up ODFOD and it wasn't there-I can't work it out.

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auntpetunia Tue 19-Feb-13 20:43:31

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DialsMavis Tue 19-Feb-13 20:44:00

This will blow your mind OP:
Some people see parents as equal to each other in role, so it wouldn't occur to them say who would be picking the children up/supervising them.

Would you allow your DH to host a 'play date' (eughhhh)? Would he be happy to?

RVPisnomore Tue 19-Feb-13 20:44:01

Seriously, I think you are massively over reacting and worrying. I think it's good that play dates still go ahead even if the mum isn't there. Seems to me that in these situations men are damned if they do and damned if they don't.

Islagiatt Tue 19-Feb-13 20:44:51

I think you need to take a deep breath. Your child is 5, you know the family they are at your child's school. It's a play date - you know - for fun? If your child was that unhappy the first time they wouldn't have said they would go the second. Children are like that.

You will end up ill if a simple invitation to a play date causes you a 'terrible day from all the worry'. The only option for you would seem to be never accept another invitation for your child ever again to 'keep them safe' - whilst they may well be safe they will be pretty miserable and cut off from their friends.

If you don't know the family, on the first date, take them to the house, introduce yourself and satisfy yourself all is ok.

WorraLiberty Tue 19-Feb-13 20:45:31

If I invited a child around to play and my personal plans changed, I wouldn't think twice about sending my DH to pick them up and supervise them/cook dinner etc...

In fact it's happened a few times over the last 21yrs and thankfully no-one else has batted an eyelid either.

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NotInMyDay Tue 19-Feb-13 20:46:16

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exoticfruits Tue 19-Feb-13 20:46:43

It would never occur to invite a child home and have to specify that it was me and not DH-we are equal parents. Many fathers are the SAHD -some are even single fathers-do their DCs have to miss out? Seriously?!

Shakirasma Tue 19-Feb-13 20:47:28

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DialsMavis Tue 19-Feb-13 20:47:49

Tell all the parents that you don't trust any of the H's with your DD. the invites will soon dry up and you will be saved all the anxiety wink

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Guitargirl Tue 19-Feb-13 20:49:08

OP - I may be way off the mark here but are you from a culture where it is considered unusual for mothers to work and for fathers to be at home with the children?

TheChaoGoesMu Tue 19-Feb-13 20:50:12

I cant see a problem op, unless theres something you're not saying. My dd often goes round to her friends house where the dh is in sole charge. And the dressing up is pretty normal for 5 yr olds at eachothers houses.

WilsonFrickett Tue 19-Feb-13 20:50:15

I can see this has really worried you and I'm wondering if there is an underlying reason for it? Because otherwise you are spouting paranoid, sexist nonsense, you do know that don't you?

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