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'If I wasn't pregnant, Killing myself would be very tempting'

(83 Posts)
Cunninglinguist03 Sat 16-Feb-13 18:37:25

I have posted about this before but I have never felt this devastated and upset, I really need your help.

Fiancé left me 11 weeks ago, Leaving me with my DS and pregnant. It was completely unexpected and the baby was planned and very much wanted.

My feelings have got progressively worse and they are getting worse everyday, I am heartbroken and devastated. I can't sleep at night, I can't spend a day without breaking down crying and I can't get him out of my head.

This may seem too OTT but I can honestly say that I am a wreck and just want him back.

I have had to move in with my parents, I have no income, I lost my car because I sold mine to pay for a move whilst we were together and I am scared of what the future holds as my life has been turned upside down.

I beg you for advice, I know that I am never going to get over him and I don't want anyone else but him.

I love my DS and this baby but my heart has been shattered.

I just want him back sad Please help me.

TroublesomeEx Sun 17-Feb-13 08:01:20

cunning

Hi. I just wanted to add my voice of support to those saying you will get through it and you will be ok, however it feels now.

This has happened to me twice now. (I certainly know how to pick them!)

The first time I was very much in your position (he had an affair and I was 8 months pregnant) and my mother wouldn't let me live with her so I ended up in hostel of sorts for unmarried mothers and babies (and no, this wasn't the 1960s either!). I had nothing. I got a HA flat, went to university and met my (now stbx) husband, got married, had another child and trained to be a teacher. I've forgotten a lot of what it was like and how I felt. I wrote a lot of it down at the time in an 'open letter'. I found it the other day and was shocked to re-read just how desperate I was/felt.

This time round, I wasn't pregnant, but it was 2 weeks after my dad died. My husband had been my only source of support for nearly 14 years. Last year I lost both of my parents and then him. I was devastated. As a very lengthy thread on here at the time was testament to!

He left in November last year and only 3 months later I feel like a different person.

Others are right. You need time to grieve for the relationship, to grieve for the life/future you thought you had and then it will be time for you to move on and embrace your future.

I agree, you need to speak with someone you can trust and feel comfortable with, write down an overview of the situation with them, identify the main things you need to sort out and come up with an action plan.

I feel hugely confident at the moment, purely because I've taken control of my life and the person I am. Just being a bit proactive and seeing some results, however small, will give you the confidence to go on and the belief that you can do it.

Because you can. xxx

TroublesomeEx Sun 17-Feb-13 08:03:22

And yes, you are better off without him. You deserve more than someone who would treat you and your children like this.

Cunninglinguist03 Sun 17-Feb-13 08:32:30

I keep texting him every night about how I feel and how I love him so much and just want to be a family again sad I can't help it, He always ignores it and it breaks my heart.

I didn't sleep at all last night, I can't sleep an I just stay awake thinking about us, him and my future sad

I'm at rock bottom and I will never feel happy again.

Cunninglinguist03 Sun 17-Feb-13 08:36:14

Thank you so much for the replies.

I haven't got anyone I can talk to in RL as I lost all my friends during our relationship as I had to move 200 miles away from everyone for 2 years so we lost contact.

I'm sorry to hear what everyone has been through sad and I am happy for the people who have found a light at the end of the tunnel. I just feel incomplete and numb sad

Cunning my partner left me when I was 23 weeks pg. I moved in with my parents so I know how hard it is.
My daughter is 6 months nearly now and I have days when I feel if I didn't have her I'd leave this world.
I miss him terribly but the person I knew never existed.
I've struggled along and the more I go the stronger I get and the more bitter I feel. How could he do this to DD.
He may come back he may not, but you need to be kind to yourself. Regardless of your situation your baby will be the best thing to ever happen.
Have you got in touch with your local sure start centre? Mine were fab. My doctor, midwife and HV all worked together. Gingerbread have a great website. I use mumsnet alot.
I also found my mind just ran and ran so I got a hobby. I started making latch hook things for DD. they had a purpose they were for DD.
please be kind to yourself

HollyBerryBush Sun 17-Feb-13 08:40:22

Sweetie, you can't keep on texting him. For one thing, he's probably changed his number by now. For another, practically, you run the risk of harrassing him. Last thing you need on top of everything else is a police visit.

Delete his number from your phone. Remove the temptation. He's chosen his path in life, now you have to find yours.

Next thing, so you'ved back with mum and dad, so I assume this is the area you grew up in? have you got any friends you can fall back on?

You need to make a plan, a goal to achieve, even if it is something simple like going to feed the ducks or out to the park to play on the swings. You need to be out in the fresh air as far as possible, not couped up. Can you afford to do something like an aqua-natal-aerobics class - so you can start to meet other mums in the area? Join some toddler groups.

Timetoask Sun 17-Feb-13 08:41:17

Cunning, it is still early days and your heart is in pain. The pain won't go away for sometime, I think it's completely normal for you to feel this way, just give it time.
now think a little about the future, you have the support of your parents which is great. Empower yourself so that you can look after your children and never have to rely on an idiot to look after you, did you go to,college? Is there a course that interests you that you could pursue as a career or job?

dollyindub Sun 17-Feb-13 08:45:55

Please try not to contact him. It's just making you feel worse as he's ignoring you.
You are in shock but getting angry about the shoddy, selfish way he has treated you, your DC and unborn baby would probably help right now!

No amount of crying, pleading and begging him to come back will make him come back (for the right reasons).
It's so hard I know, and I'm so sorry, but if he's 'checked out' of the relationship it's over.
Mind you, I was told to get over it, suck it up etc and I hated it, but you will do, in your own time, with plenty of support.

Hoping you have RL support OP, if not keep posting here.
Things do get easier xx

HollyBerryBush Sun 17-Feb-13 08:49:27

Cross posted - you say you lost all your friends during the relationship, did he isolate you away from friends and family? Theres no reason why you cant call someone you used to be close to you know, they'd love to hear from you.

Rooneyisalwaysmoaning Sun 17-Feb-13 08:53:30

I know roughly how you feel OP. In my situation I was luckier as I was already living alone with ds, he had not lived with us when he left, so I had somewhere to be - but we had been together for four years and I felt I would never love anyone but him.

I felt as though I had been killed, well, obviously I hadn't but it was the only way I could feel - totally broken and grieving.

Everyone said, he is a shit, you can't love someone who would do that to you. But I did and I still do in fact - I think I'll always love him. It got easier. That's what you have to old on to.

I've had other brief relationships since and two more children, no one has replaced him though, and we are close when we meet up (he sees ds now, though he didn't used to). We een renewed our relationship for a while but found that it wouldn't work, being together properly - but it was very healing for me, anyway, as I realised he still felt like he always had, and I stopped feeling so completely rejected.

I realise that this advice might not be the most useful, but I just wanted to say I understand how heartbreak feels, and though all I did in the early days was hand ds to my mother and go and sit in a field in the pouring rain, and sob, or go on along walk in the woods and get totally lost, in the dark, just to take the emotional pain and make it physical if you like - I could cope better with it in physical form - gradually I began to manage and now, 8 years on, I'm Ok.

I'm on my own but I am Ok. that excruciating pain isn't there any more. But I won't ever forget it, or him, and in our child I have a small part of him too. We're always connected in that sense.

Just sending some love your way really. Take care x

ipswichwitch Sun 17-Feb-13 08:54:35

If you are at rock bottom then logically the only way from there is up. You are grieving- for the life and relationship you had. Grief starts with the numbness, which will start to fade. It's your minds way of protecting you while you try to process all this.

I doubt he's even reading your texts, that's if he hasn't already changed his number. I know it's difficult, but do try to stop texting him. It's torturing you and you won't get any answers from him (I never did).

If your parents can't/won't help emotionally maybe they can help practically by contacting the HA, sorting out what you're entitled to, etc. they may be in shock seeing you so desperately unhappy and just don't know what to say/do.

Use all the energy you have on keeping yourself healthy and looking after your DS. Allow yourself time to grieve. In time things will get better, as they have for me and so many others here. He has shown his true colours now, and I know that you don't believe you are better off without him yet, but once the shock and devastation has eased you will see it too. He doesn't deserve you, remember that

Rooneyisalwaysmoaning Sun 17-Feb-13 08:55:38

Oh I see you have been texting him, well, just for the record I did this too - for a few months - and it drove him further away. So please try and restrain yourself. You may be able to salvage something of the relationship, in terms of getting on with him Ok, etc, in time - but for now he cannot cope with yuor needs and that's why he's gone.

Try not to chase him. It could do more damage.

amillionyears Sun 17-Feb-13 09:05:57

Continually texting is not a good idea.
In fact, it is a bad idea.

Because, if there was any hope of him coming back at all, the last thing he needs is for you to keep on at him.

He needs space and time.
I dont know if he is seeing anyone else, but even if he isnt, him getting harrassed isnt the answer.

marjproops Sun 17-Feb-13 10:56:38

Op PLEASE dont keep texting him. delete him. NOW. thats what hes done to you. Im sorry but he has,(tough love here!)

I did exactly the same when boyf left me, I kept driving round looking for his car (we lived in a small community), going to his house looking all pathetic hoping hed feel terrible at what hed done and take me back...the lot. for about 7 months. He in the end threatened me with a court injunction as he said i was stalking him. and you know what, i think i was. i even made compilation cds of love songs etc etc to show him how much i loved and needed him.

And btw he was showing all his cronies my desperate pathetic texts and letters, and having laughs galore in the pub with them.

Op, it gives him a sense of power and gloat. Why do you want this back? you'd NEVER be able to trust him again, believe me.

Your kids dont deserve a sh** like that, and it's what he is.

Looking back it was the same thing others have said, the life plan, the big picture, the marital bliss etc etc. nothing was going to go wrong, it was going to be perfect. i was in love with the idea of being in love and security for the rest of my life...the guy, the kids, the house, the car etc etc.

And i kept saying he was the love of my life, id NEVER get over him, and knew everyone was wrong but...they werent wrong. you might be thinking ;but you dont know me, you dont know, its real what im feeling etc etc' I know, my deary.

Like I said before, been there, done that, got the scars. xx

MusicalEndorphins Sun 17-Feb-13 11:14:22

You feel like you won't get over this, but in time you will.
Texting him will just push him further away.
Try and keep yourself busy. There is no quick fix for heartbreak.
You will not be with your parents forever, but be glad you have them to be with, as some people have no family to turn to in time of need.
Give yourself time, I think it is pretty normal to feel as you do. But you have your children and parents. He is likely not the best person in the world to leave you under the circumstances, not sure if getting angry at him will help you, but it does help some.
Talking about this with someone who has gone through it may help.

BRush1 Sun 17-Feb-13 11:40:48

Reading this makes me feel terribly sad. The love we feel for our partner is so strong, they are our world and sometimes undeserving of all that love. I think that you are morning i suppose it is like you have lost him and that is why you are feeling so extremely devastated. I personally understand this feeling but must remind you that the love your children have for you is stronger still. Your love for them will keep growing stronger everyday. i couldn't imagine my life with out My little ones. They are more important than me or how i feel or anything else. Let them give you the strength to get through this. Give yourself a little shake and find it with in yourself. As their mother You are there world! so write a list. start with building relationships with other women. I get a lot of support from my friends. Make new friends attend groups,Women really do understand each other. If you have female friends start spending time with them. Then read the recommendations of the other ladies who took the time to write on here. they have been in your shoes and know exactly how you feel. Use there suggestions to write your list and begin ticking things off even little things like shopping making the beds etc. then look at all those ticks. All those achievements, you know you can do this for your children . Fill up your days with jobs and activities. And keep talking on here we will all help you get through.

BRush1 Sun 17-Feb-13 11:58:13

What's your hobby and what are you good at ? Your talent?

littlemisssarcastic Sun 17-Feb-13 12:02:39

OP, I know you feel desperate right now and you are in tremendous pain and anguish. You can't stop thinking about him and my heart goes out to you but realise this.
Raw pain like this won't last long. It will begin to ebb and flow until you find you are not thinking about him as much as you used to.
It will get easier, day by day, hour by hour.
For the moment, take it 5 minutes at a time.

As for texting him, I wouldn't and the reason I wouldn't is not because he is a bad man, because you love him and probably don't think he is a bad man, but because every time you text him, you are making him face your pain and he will withdraw more and more. Every text you send postpones him getting back in touch by a little bit longer and reinforces your pain.
Texting him is not helping is it? He isn't responding.

I think when you stop Texting him for a while, he will contact you, out of curiosity more than anything else. Tell yourself you won't text him for the next 5 minutes, then the next 5 minutes, then the next.
Before you know it, you won't have contacted him for a week, then a month and by doing this, your pain will begin to diminish, I promise you.

Every time you feel like Texting him, come on here instead.

I can guarantee that if you leave him alone and concentrate on yourself, and your DC he WILL contact you when he is ready. I hope you will not be so heartbroken when he does contact you. I have a feeling he will be in touch once you are feeling a lot stronger than you are now, but he WILL be in touch.

Be kind to yourself.

Chunderella Sun 17-Feb-13 14:19:47

Others have given you good advice about your feelings. I'd like to help you with the practicalities, so I need some more information from you.

1. Income
Are you working? Have you worked recently, if so for how long, and how far gone are you? How old is DC1? I'm asking so I can work out what benefits you might be entitled to. Ex-bumhole needs to pay maintenance, so you can work towards asking him what plans he has for the care of his children. But that can wait for the moment if you don't feel able yet. It won't make any difference to any benefits you might be entitled to.

2. Housing
It sounds like you have a safe and cheap place to stay with your parents. What area of the country are you in? It might well be worth you putting your name on the council list. I did this in Manchester: DH and I voluntarily left a private tenancy and moved home in order to save for a deposit, then I got pregnant, so we put our names down and got somewhere within a few months. Obviously if you live in Central London this is fairly unlikely, but if you're in a northern city, you might well get lucky. I wouldn't panic and move into private just yet, unless you really feel you can't manage with your parents. It can actually be very helpful having them around and being looked after when you're in late pregnancy and then when you have a young baby- I speak from experience.
If you do want to move out and find a private rental though, there may be an MNer local to you who can tell you about prices and, if you're entitled to housing benefit, the rates.

maddening Sun 17-Feb-13 14:24:30

Op you will find yourself again - take strength from your love for your babies.

You can get rl people to talk to - hopefully your mw can find you counselling - these people are well placed to help you work through these bewildering and stomach churning emotions.

Your life will be be good again - it will be different to how it was going to be.

You have a massive space that your relationship filled - it will feel empty now but in time it will shrink as you fill it with your new life.

Hissy Sun 17-Feb-13 14:32:39

"I need him to function."

No sweety, you don't.

Your DC need you to function, they need you to survive.

I find it hard to believe that this 'man' was at all nice to you when he WAS with you. No decent man would do this to you.

You say you were taken away from all your friends, did he control your life too?

If so, then no wonder you are so frightened of being you, of being alone, he's brainwashed you intothinking that you are not worth anything without him.

Perhaps your parents know this, and this is why they are failing to be as supportive as you need them to be. It could be that they have ALWAYS been unwilling to be supportive which is why you ended up with a man such as this in the first place.

Try to think rationally. Who in their right mind would want to be with a man that walked out of them, with a child, AND PG?

My love, you WILL get through this, you WILL survive, and what is more, I promise you that you WILL be a better person once you have got your head around this.

Keep posting, let us listen to you and let us be the support you need.

My heart goes out to you, but please trust me when I say that it till get better. the MW will help you too. It could be pre-natal depression, again, understandable, but either way, you have a right to the sadness, and a right to know that it will pass.

Cunninglinguist03 Sun 17-Feb-13 16:47:46

I am not working, I am 16 weeks pregnant and DS is 17 MO. Ex doesn't have to pay anything towards DS as he is a student, I was told this by the CSA.

I moved 200 miles away for my ExF as he had to go as part of a University course for 2 years, I was 6 months pregnant with DS and had him up there, It was the first time that I had moved out and I didn't make any friends as I developed PND so I was very anxious to meet new people.

I am so devastated, I really don't know how much more I can take sad

flippinada Sun 17-Feb-13 16:52:54

You've had such a terrible shock, you poor soul.

Please don't kill yourself. I know it feels horrendous and unbearable just now, but please don't. Not just for your DC but for yourself. Things feel very bleak now but they will get better.

Thinking of you.

flippinada Sun 17-Feb-13 16:55:57

Might it be a good idea to get in touch with some old friends? I can understand you might not feel able to but please do consider it.

I

Chunderella Sun 17-Feb-13 17:40:17

Ok, income. If you're a single parent, not working and you have a 1 year old child, you can claim Income Support. It's £71 a week and you wouldn't be expected to look for work. If you aren't working and you've not worked recently, you wouldn't be entitled to any maternity pay. Have you claimed Income Support? If not, do it asap as they probably won't backdate. Info below:

https://www.gov.uk/income-support/how-to-claim

I'm guessing you're already getting child benefit. Have you put in a tax credits claim? You should get the maximum amount of child tax credits, as you're on benefits, it's about £53 a week for one child. Again, apply soon as they will only backdate for a limited time.

Also, if ex DP is a student I'm guessing you weren't getting Healthy Start vouchers. When you're on Income Support, you're automatically entitled. Info on how to apply below:

http://www.healthystart.nhs.uk/healthy-start-vouchers/how-to-apply/

DS will get £3.10 a week in vouchers til he's 5, D Bump will get £6.20 a week until turning one and then £3.10. you can use for formula, cows milk, fruit or veg. Worth having. You can buy a fair amount of milk and veggies with three quid a week.

Definitely start applying for these benefits as soon as you can, if you've not already. That will secure an income coming in. That's a start.

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