AIBU to be hurt by DP's comment.

(131 Posts)
honeytea Wed 13-Feb-13 08:40:24

I have posted about my in laws before, so far DP has been supportive of me but yesterday he did something that really hurt my feelings.

Last night we were at SIL's house for dinner. My 8 week old DS had just fed and was sleeping in my arms. I don't have a problem holding him whilst he sleeps. he sleeps in his side car cot very well at night so I don't resent holding him in the day time. WHen we are home he sometimes sleeps on me, sometimes he sleeps on a blanket on the sofa next to me and sometimes he sleeps in a cot in the kitchen whilst I cook/clean. DP said to me "why don't you put DS in his car seat so you can eat dinner" (I have become very good at eating one handed anyway) I said to DP that it is very likely that DS would wake up but we could try and I would take ds back if he woke up and cried. (we don't often sit him in the car seat when not in the car it was only in the house because it was really cold outside and ds goes into the car easier if the seat is warm.)

DS woke up and started grizzling, SIL took DS out of the car seat and walked around rocking him, I said I can take him and you sit and eat your dinner, I'm fine eating with him on my knee, she said no she was enjoying having a cuddle with him. After about 10 mins she came back into the room we were eating in without DS.

I was sat in the corner blocked in by DP I said to him can you go and get the baby. He went and got the baby, SIL went after him. DS woke up and was talking to DP, DP said to him "I know it was unnecessary to disturb you" I said actually it wasn't unnecessary I don't want him left in another room in an unsafe sleep enviroment. SIl said "yes it was absolutly unnecessary." I didn't mention it for the rest of the evening.

I am really struggling with anxiety at the moment, DS has been very ill with RS virus and spent a week in hospital I think that experience has made me realise how fragile he is. I appreciate that many people would be fine with their baby being in another room on a safe bythemself but I felt worried about it and I expect DP to support me. I wasn't asking for any help and I wasn't moaning about having an unputdownable baby but SIL took it upon herself to show me that DS would go down by himself. A friend tragically lost her DS to sids last year, she posts on facebook often about ways to reduce the risk such as putting babies under 6 months down to sleep in the same room as you and having a safe place for them to sleep.

SIL has previously put DS down in a really really hot room wrapped in a doubled over fleece blanket with it wrapped around his head. At the time I said I wasn't happy with him being wrapped up so warm and I didn't see the reason for her to put him down (on a sofa at another sister's house) when I was there and I was happy to hold him.

I asked DP how the baby was sleeping and he said SIL had put a cusion under the sofa cusion so it was on a slope towards the back of the sofa, DS was wrapped in a blanket again going over his head. DS can roll by himself but I am not sure he could roll away from the edge of the sofa with his arms wrapped up if his face became pushed into the edge of the sofa. The sofa was leather so the risk of him sliding in the blanket towards the edge was fairly high.

I feel like SIL is constantly trying to prove that I am doing things wrong, she knows how anxious I feel and she knows I want to keep ds in the same room as me (or DP or whoever is looking after him) Everytime we see her she takes DS into another room and leaves him alone. What has upset me is my DP saying "that was unnecessary" I feel like I need him to support me and not contradict me. I could understand if I was not managing with DS and needed help but DS is such an easy baby and I am doing great with my energy levels.

I have said to DP that I won't be going to any of the SILs houses because every time we go something happens that I feel is unsafe and if he isn't going to support me then I am not willing to go there. They can come to us where DS can go in his cot whist we eat.

AIBU to expect my DP to support me even if my actions are driven by anxiety?

honeytea Wed 13-Feb-13 09:05:50

I did speak to the HV about my anxieties, I was crying and really very upset about it. She just said it was natural to feel like you want to protect your baby and it was only a week after DS had come out of hospital so she said that would have made me more anxious. She asked if I need any help looking after the baby and I said no because I really don't feel like I need help looking after him. I don't really know what the solution is.

I just can't understand who SIL was trying to help. I was more relaxed with DS asleep with me than I was when he was in the other room.

I don't know how to deal with being at SIl's house, I am ofcourse very happy for her to cuddle with DS and for her to be in another room with DS, I just don't want DS to be left alone, if I had asked SIL to babysit I wouldn't stipulate that she shouldn't leave him alone but I was there there was no need for her to interfere. I appreciate it is more to do with my anxiety than it is to do with DS's wellbeing but i feel like she should respect my parenting and not keep trying to prove things.

She does have children, I wouldn't choose to parent in the same way as her, for example her 9 year old is not allowed to go to the local shop or the local park because SIL is worried about abduction, I personally think her DS should be able to go to the shop and park but I would never say that to her, I absolutely would not let him go when I was looking after him just to prove to her that he would be fine.

I can just about deal with SIL doing things that I don't agree with but I just can't cope with DP belittling my worries when we are with other people. It just makes me feel like such a bad mum.

badguider Wed 13-Feb-13 09:07:31

I think you need to find a middle road - having a baby at the dinner table and mum eating one handed isn't relaxing for anybody. I know you say 'its fine' but it makes others worry about you if you cant put your baby down. Im sure sil is trying to help rather than undermine.
If you had a basket or nest with you and put him down then it would be easy to say 'I want the basket to stay in this room and he doesn't need wrapping up' and therefore be very assertive about the bits they really do matter.

Hullygully Wed 13-Feb-13 09:08:58

Absolutely, no matter what he feels, or what the two of you talk about when you are alone, he should support you when you are with others.

wordfactory Wed 13-Feb-13 09:09:48

OP, you need to speak to your DH.
It may be he's worried that your anxiety levels are both unnessary and making you unhappy. He may be worried about the future, and how you are going to cope.

You need to discuss how you both feel.

AliceWChild Wed 13-Feb-13 09:10:07

Honeytea, are you me?! grin

YANBU at all. Not one bit. You feel how you feel and your partner should support you in that. You're a new mum, it's stressful. FWIW I've recently been preempting this situation, mentioned to my partner I wouldn't be happy with my baby being put in another room so he knew in advance and he is absolutely fine that he'll support me. I too have issues with anxiety at the moment, for very understandable reasons, so his job is to support me through that, not undermine me. He's fine with that. You absolutely deserve the same.

And you're in line with the SIDS guidelines.

fluffyraggies Wed 13-Feb-13 09:10:53

Your 1st port of call is to talk to your DP about this. It sounds as it your HV was sympathetic. Could you arrange for her to be with you when you broach the subject with your DP. She could back you up on your concerns about SIDS and, maybe more importantly help explain to your DP that your anxieties are natural at this stage and that family members should not be trying to 'manage' them. And that it will be counterproductive, in fact, to do so.

AThingInYourLife Wed 13-Feb-13 09:11:28

I'm not remotely anxious about my kids, and all of mine were napping in a separate room (in their cot) by 8 weeks.

But if someone took my baby out of the room and left her somewhere else without my knowing where they were, I would not have been happy at all.

And as it turned out, you were right to be worried because the baby had been left alone on a sofa in another room, which is really dangerous.

I wouldn't be prepared to go back there either.

And I would be furious with a partner who joined in his family's ganging up on me like that.

honeytea Wed 13-Feb-13 09:13:15

DP has been a cock about it and slept on the sofa last night.

ksrwr Wed 13-Feb-13 09:18:11

oh my god, i totally 100% empathise, i felt exactly like you when DD was tiny. your child is yours, dont let people take him off you, dont let them take him out of the room, you hold on to him, and hold him through dinner if you want. you choose how many layers he has on, and how he's wrapped up, just pick him up and keep hold of him. i think you're too kind/polite to put your foot down, but this is your time, your child. tell them all to f-off!

TheMightyLois Wed 13-Feb-13 09:18:17

I think it's perfectly normal and understandable, and you're just keeping your baby safe.

Leaving a baby alone on a sofa in another room is fucking idiotic and a SIDS risk, so your DP is a being an arse (as is SIL).

hamdangle Wed 13-Feb-13 09:18:36

You do sound unnecessarily anxious and your baby probably doesn't need to be with you all the time but at the end if the day it's your baby not SIL's! My baby is 12 weeks and I keep him with me all the time too. I don't feel anxious or feel that I have to but the SIDS guidelines are there so why not follow them? Like you I often eat with him on my knee and carry him everywhere and I've had the 'rod for your own back' comments but,like yours, he sleeps right through at night in his basket so I don't mind holding him in the day and its up to me how I care for my own child!

The main problem is that she seems to want to prove a point to you about how she knows best but she really doesn't! I can't believe anyone would think it was ok to wrap a baby up in a fleece blanket and leave them in a sofa in another room while they eat!!!

PoppadomPreach Wed 13-Feb-13 09:20:06

YANBU. It is absolutely wrong of your SIL to try to "show" you how to be a mother to your baby. Unless you were doing something that could have harmed the baby (which you weren't) then she should have kept her views to herself.

I think when baby is so young (and given the fact he has already been hospitalised) then you are not necessarily being over anxious - I think it is part of the learning process of being a new mum - but if you find the anxiety remaining the same or even getting worse as baby gets older, then perhaps you need to speak to your GP.

Just stand your ground as it does sound like your SIL is trying to dominate a bit. Don't even debate with your DH regarding this - YOU are the mother, not your SIL. So your decisions (as parents) and your decisions only matter.

WileyRoadRunner Wed 13-Feb-13 09:21:59

On this one issue YANB hugely U but it sounds like there is a much bigger issue developing.

You suffer so much anxiety you are crying, your DH is sleeping on the sofa....

I think whilst your DH should support you in front of others you also need to see your GP.

ChairmanWow Wed 13-Feb-13 09:22:57

I am firmly on the fence here. On the one hand the family needs to respect your wishes. You said yourself you are anxious. Your DS has been ill and a friend lost their baby to SIDS. That's a whole load of worry right there. You should look at dealing with your anxiety though. It's horrible for you to live with for one thing, and may affect your relationships for another. I've been there, as has my DH. It's awful.

However I think DP's family were, in their own cack handed way, trying to get you to let go and relax. It might have been handled incredibly badly but I don't think it's reasonable to be angry with them. Maybe you need to have a talk with them about this, perhaps explaining that you'll put DS down in your own way. But try to stop the one-handed eating!

Car seat, Moses basket or bouncy chair were what we used to enable us to eat in a vaguely civilised fashion! I'm sure you'll give him plenty of cuddles when you're not eating, but you need a break and he needs to not depend on you to get him to sleep.

MarilynValentine Wed 13-Feb-13 09:23:02

Your SIL had absolutely no business to press for any particular arrangement and was very rude to say that 'extremely unnecessary' thing.

You have every right to protect your tiny baby, and anyone who thinks you're being over-protective is, definitely, being unreasonable.

Tryharder Wed 13-Feb-13 09:26:27

YANBU. I think your SIL was well meaning but she tried too hard to prove a point.

MissPants Wed 13-Feb-13 09:26:59

Am I reading correctly that your DS was left on a sofa with the cushion he was lying on tilted towards the back of the sofa? So if he had rolled he would have had his face planted against the back of a leather sofa?

If so, YANBU. I have 5 DC so no chance of PFB from me and I would be quite gobsmacked at that. Really not safe at all.

Interestingly out of all my DC its is my youngest that ended up a Velcro baby, my elder 4 were all quite confident sleeping without me, rarely clingy etc. But we've moved away from family to a remote area and DS2 hasn't had the benefit of frequent contact with other adults so he see's me as his only source of comfort and safety.

It was lovely at first, having never had a really clingy one before. But 9 months in it is tiring.

I would literally give a big toe for some body space. We're getting to the point where he can sleep in his cot for an hour or two at night but by 1 am he is sleeping on my chest again.

So although YANBU about the silly position he was left in to sleep, I would really suggest that it is better to relinquish just a teeny bit of these luscious newborn snuggles whilst they are still a source of joy, before they become a source of stress and exhaustion. It won't do him any harm to be popped down for a few minutes whilst you eat or are busy.

I'm still eating with one hand 9 months later... grin

purrpurr Wed 13-Feb-13 09:27:29

honey what has your DP been like prior to this occasion? Does he normally back you up?

Bit selfish of me but when I read your OP I just thought, that will be me in a few months. My DH seems to 'double check' everything I tell him about my pregnancy with his brother and SIL, even down to when I was suffering horrid all day nausea at the start, he checked with them whether that even counted as 'morning sickness' or not, because I wasn't being sick, just feeling dreadfully sick instead (I would have paid a small fortune to throw up, at the time, just to get rid of the feeling for even five minutes). That seemed so horribly unsympathetic at the time. Surely the fact that I felt awful and was telling him so should have been enough. I seem to have to cry my eyes out/go on about the same thing over and over for him to finally come round to my way of thinking, otherwise he just naturally waits for his brother and SIL's opinion and then that becomes his.

greengoose Wed 13-Feb-13 09:28:09

I had slightly 'grabby' relations when my first was tiny, (I think they thought it was helpful). I ended up using a sling more when they visited, as then the baby has to stay put really. Also easier to eat, cook, etc. We also had a Moses basket, which lived downstairs for naps and mealtimes, when we could get away with it. With my second I was a bit bolshier and just made it clear what I wanted to happen, probably much easier for everyone concerned!

Anxiety about our babies is fairly par for the course I think, especially if youve had a scary time. Just keep a watch on it though, and if youre worried perhaps consider going to GP, it's not good for you or your family if it gets to be a problem.

Going to a group for mums with little ones can be helpful, you get to see the huge range of 'normal' parenting, ( and some not so normal usually)! and pick up some new friends to share how you are feeling and have a cathartic moan about DSIL!

Slightly off topic, but I think partners can be shocked by the arrival of a baby and how they are 'pushed out' a bit. It's important to hug them lots too! (I'm sure you do).

CartedOff Wed 13-Feb-13 09:28:38

YANBU to be upset. I would be supremely pissed off if someone kept on trying to take my baby and put them in another room by themselves over and over again, despite me wanting otherwise. I wouldn't give a damn what her reasons are, you've made it clear that you'd prefer to hold your baby and have him in a safe sleeping arrangement.

As for that "It was absolutely unnecessary" comment- what is it to do with her? How is she being affected by it? It's none of her business. She needs to back off.

I'm really surprised anyone has said YABU. You may have anxiety but in the situation you describe it is a completely reasonable reaction to want your partner to support you.

I know exactly what you mean when you say you feel like she is trying to prove you wrong; my family also think it's laughable that I try to follow SIDS/feeding/safety etc guidelines.

I think it will be difficult never to visit the SIL again but try to educate your DP about SIDS and get him to think about what could happen in those 5 mins if your baby rolled over etc. so he can see you are being reasonable. Links to NHS and SIDS websites would be a start but look at them together. You can acknowledge your anxieties and say that yes sometimes you will be a bit pfb - however in this instance it is totally justified. And sometimes even when yabu, you want him to support you in public and you can always discuss it in private.

Hope you can get the support you need and deal with the anxieties you have, it's about separating the useful ones from the ones that do nothing but debilitate you. Good luck!

DoJo Wed 13-Feb-13 09:30:30

I don't think you're being unreasonable to prefer having your son in the room, but I do think you're unreasonable not to let your husband have an opinion on it. He obviously thought it was unnecessary, but he still went and got him when you asked so obviously is happy to defer to you.

5madthings Wed 13-Feb-13 09:31:36

Yanbu leaving a tiny baby to sleep alone on a sofa is no it safe, esp when they are overly wrapped up like your ds was.

5madthings Wed 13-Feb-13 09:32:02

Is not safe

ConfuzzledMummy Wed 13-Feb-13 09:33:00

Yanbu.....but I think you sil was just trying to help she just wanted you to enjoy your meal in peace. How old is your sil, I know my mum used to lie my dd on her side when she slept because that's how they were told to do it when I was born. I just had to accept the fact that people do things differently. I don't agree with the blanket being over his head though!

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