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To say he can't go to stag do if there are going to be strippers?

(696 Posts)
DelphineD Sat 09-Feb-13 23:10:58

I'm sorry if this ends up being long; I will try to keep it as concise as possible.

Last year DP went to a stag do (first one that has come up whilst we have been together). It was one of his closest friends, and one that I previously liked and respected. They were away for 2 nights. I had wondered if some sort of strip thing might be involved but I thought probably not as the friend was not that kind of man and DP assured me when he got back that there was nothing of the kind. I later found out (through my scarily good investigation and interrogation!!) that this was not the case. On the first night they had been to a strip club and on the second night there were topless waitresses at their apartment for about 3 hours. This info came out bit by bit. Each time DP would insist there was nothing more to tell, then I found out something else. Eventually I think I got a full confession out of him but it was difficult to be sure as he had lied so many times about it. I also got out of him that there had been topless waitresses at a work party he had attended some time before (I had suspected something wrong and he had always denied it before.) He claimed all this was not of his doing, it was not really of interest to him and he just went along with it because they were in a group and he didn't want to make a fuss etc etc. If he had had a lap dance, I would have broken up with him (friend had a lap dance and the man has gone down a lot in my estimation.) As it was I nearly broke up with him anyway. He knew how much I hated strippers and how I would feel about it, and he did it anyway. But I think the most damaging thing was the lying. I trusted him before, and he had destroyed all that.

We got over it and agreed that if there was anything like this again he would tell me the truth and face the music. He understands how much more damaging it was that he lied about it. Since then, I have been to a work party where there was a male stripper. I didn't know in advance but I did know once I got there and I could have come home. It seemed a bit hypocritical, but I went anyway. I just sat at the back, while some of the married women in my group, went up on stage, straddled the stripper, took their wedding rings off, etc etc. That made me think that I wasn't so worried about DP being present in a large room where women were stripping, it was how he behaved and the interaction that would bother me. Hence why I was more upset about the topless women in the apartment than the ones in the strip club. FWIW I believe he would have behaved in a similar way to me in his situation. But his friend having that lap dance upset me, and made me think you can't trust any man, even the ones who seem nice and like they really love their partners.

Now he has his DB's stag party coming up. It's in the city where we live, but some people will be coming from elsewhere so there will be an apartment rented again. He has said he will tell the truth about it this time. He has admitted that the best man is planning something to do with strippers but nothing is booked in yet. I'm already feeling upset about it already and I just don't want him to be around strippers at all. WIBU to say, if that is happening, I don't want you to go at all?

Whoknowswhocares Sun 10-Feb-13 00:01:30

Why would you have used 'scarily good investigation and interrogation' on a man who you trusted?
You come across as very insecure and controlling. He hasn't done anything wrong, unless of course you did too when you attended the event with the stripper. Do you think he should leave you and mistrust you of that?
Seriously, stop looking for trouble where none exists and making problems in your relationship without need
If you try to control him and try to prevent him making his own decisions he will leave you anyway. Refusing him permission to go to his own brothers stag do......ridiculous! No one will put up with that sort of behaviour long term.

whois Sun 10-Feb-13 00:02:54

You sound controlling and uptight. There is no way you can ban your DP from his bro's stag do!

WilsonFrickett Sun 10-Feb-13 00:06:24

Tell you what ladies, I'll pop round tomorrow and shake my bits in your P's faces, shall I? Seeing as how you're all ok with strippers. 30 posts in and no-one wants to address whether it's ok that stag nights automatically include naked dancing? Really?

Whoknowswhocares Sun 10-Feb-13 00:13:51

Can if you want. I couldn't care less!
As long as he is faithful, I can't see why I would have the right to dictate to any adult what they can or cannot do. Whether we like it or not, that IS what generally happens at a stag do (and hen do) A fair few the people there will be uncomfortable and not like it....but it's up to them to decide whether to stay quiet in the corner like the op, or tackle it head on
I personally find it distasteful but each to their own. As it happens so does OH, so your bits would not have much of an effect grin

Colliecollie Sun 10-Feb-13 00:14:45

You do not sound controlling and yanbu. If you don't like it or agree with it then that's it. Strippers are not normal for a stag night. A few beers is. I would not want to socialise with or go out with a man who has lap dances either, I'm not surprised your opinion of the friend went down. I'm really surprised that works dos involve either male or female strippers. This is all so far from my world.

WorraLiberty Sun 10-Feb-13 00:15:42

Wilson the OP hasn't asked us to address whether it's ok that stag nights automatically include naked dancing.

Whether it is or isn't is not the issue here.

The issue is that the OP wants to ban her DH from his own brother's stag do if it contains strippers...having sat and watched strippers herself for an evening.

And you can shake what you want in my DH's face, he'd just laugh and tell you to either cover up or shake your thing for someone who's interested.

niceguy2 Sun 10-Feb-13 00:17:36

....your expectations are unrealistic. I don't think he lied because he has done anything wrong, more to save your feelings!

What yaimee said!

If my fiancee told me I couldn't go to my DB's stag do because there may be a stripper there then I'd tell her to leave. To me that's:

a) a lack of trust in me.
b) a lack of respect for my family.

Both fatal. Luckily my fiancee is far more interested in female strippers than I am. I'm the one who is refusing to take her because I'm really that disinterested.

DelphineD Sun 10-Feb-13 00:20:03

Re lap dances - I think if another woman grinds in your lap and rubs her naked breasts in your face then that in itself is a sexual experience and is being unfaithful, regardless of whether or not the woman is being paid.

Re the work party - he had always said he wouldn't care if the situations were reversed. I think in part I wanted to test this. If he hadn't been to a strip club, and if I knew that he would be very upset by it, I would have left. And yes I was shocked by what my female colleagues did as well, and thought less of them, that is why I mentioned it. I think some people, men and women, get carried away with themselves when they put themselves in a situation of temptation once a few drinks have been had.

The thing is, can I trust DP isn't like this? I think so, but all the lies have shaken that belief. I wouldn't mind if he watched stippers/belly dancers/anything like that from a distance/porn on a screen I also don't mind. It is touching and interaction that bothers me.

To all the people who say he lied because I was going to be upset - is that ok then? Just do what you like and if your partner doesn't find out everything is ok? Isn't honesty fundamental to relationship? I am not perfect and have done things that upset him in the past. He only knows about them because I told him - and faced the music.

Dannilion Sun 10-Feb-13 00:21:32

Wilson, if the OP had found some complete stranger in her home shaking her stuff for all and sundry and wanted to know if she WBU for not liking it, I would say no. But this isn't the case. You could do what you wanted Infront of my DP, provided you don't expect payment. Beware of the dog too, she's a right crotch sniffer.

RedToothBrush Sun 10-Feb-13 00:21:58

Learn to trust your partner, accept that in certain circumstances you can't control who he mixes with and the position they put him in and get rid of your hypocritical double standards...

... or just kiss your partner good bye now and save yourself a whole world more of pain.

The line in that that got me more than any other was:
"tell me the truth and face the music"

If you will punish him for simply being honest and telling the truth, then he just won't. You'll just get more lies and if you find out, you'll trust him even less. His motivation, won't be necessarily be be malicious but thats the situation YOU are creating. You have to give your partner the chance to tell the truth; if you'll automatically go off the deep end you are just as responsible for the lies as him purely because he will never get a fair hearing and only abuse. Sometimes you have to simply take things you don't like on the chin and get on with it, rather than starting a fight over it as it'll do more harm in the long run. Pick your battles wisely.

Good luck with your relationship. You'll need it, when you have an attitude that is so negative from the word go.

DelphineD Sun 10-Feb-13 00:22:34

Collie - far from my world also. We do not live in the UK and DP is not British. No one I know from home has done this on a stag do. I am quite surprised at people saying it is the norm.

Whoknowswhocares Sun 10-Feb-13 00:24:29

But isn't that the point of AIBU? To find out if your perception is middle of the road or extreme

DelphineD Sun 10-Feb-13 00:25:56

Red - I gave him many opportunities to tell the truth. If he had told me what had happened in the beginning I would not have been so upset. Because I had to find out from other people and felt I couldn't believe him, that was the damaging thing.

WilsonFrickett Sun 10-Feb-13 00:30:13

Wilson the OP hasn't asked us to address whether it's ok that stag nights automatically include naked dancing.

Oh come on, thats both the premise of the op and the premise of most of the responses. OP: My DP is going to a stag, therefore my DP will be watching strippers. Response: well attending his brothers stag do is his right, therefore watching strippers is his right, therefore YABU and controlling.

You can't answer the op without dealing with the issue that stags = strippers = ok.

nannyof3 Sun 10-Feb-13 00:30:37

U clearly dont trust him.. U shouldnt be together..

If his going to cheat / lie to u, he will, with or without strippers

Its his brothers stag, he has to be there

WilsonFrickett Sun 10-Feb-13 00:31:55

Also do agree that OP should have had the courage of her convictions and not watched a stripper herself btw. But she's not going to do that again, nor should he.

Whoknowswhocares Sun 10-Feb-13 00:32:27

Sorry but I disagree. You already felt you could not trust his word or else you would have had no reason to dig around behind his back for info.
You didn't trust him BEFORE you found out the facts of the last stag do. Unfortunately, you are treating the symptoms by trying to prevent him going, not dealing with the real issue.....your lack of trust

WorraLiberty Sun 10-Feb-13 00:33:18

So your excuse for watching male strippers was you wanted to test whether or not your DH was telling the truth?

I don't really think strippers are the issue here...I think it's more about trust.

And why is it so far from your world if your DH has been to a strip club, spent the night in an apartment with topless waitresses and there's a real likelihood he'll be attending another stag do involving strippers again?

My DH has done none of those things and yet if his brother were to get married and we knew strippers were going to be at the stag do, it would raise nothing other than an eye roll from either of us...but that's because I trust him implicitly and I know how much it would hurt him and my BIL if he couldn't be with him on the night for any reason.

yaimee Sun 10-Feb-13 00:33:43

Wilson, I think a couple of people asked whether it was infidelity or strippers in general that op is worried about.
I don't think op intended debate about stripping or lap dancing, and even if she did, comparing you shaking your bits in our dps faces isn't a very fair comparison to a man attending an event with a stripper that someone else booked!

RedToothBrush Sun 10-Feb-13 00:33:49

To all the people who say he lied because I was going to be upset - is that ok then?

Sometimes its not about the lying. Its about giving him the room, space and right attitude to tell uncomfortable truths in. If you can't do that, then you are doomed from the word go, imho.

Being able to tell the truth relies not only on the teller but also on the listener being able to react in a calm way and take their time to respond in non confrontational manner.

If you are only able to respond to unpleasant things in an emotional manner than doesn't properly give him a fair hearing and chance to apologise/explain, why would he tell the truth? He will get the same reaction what ever he does.

So he has nothing to gain by telling the truth. If he lies he at least has a chance to escape the same reaction.

YOU ultimately create a situation where he has more to gain by lying than telling the truth by the way you reaction to situations like this.

You don't have to like what he says and you can make that clear, but its how you conduct yourself and how calm, rational and reasonable you remain when you do that, that is most important.

sleepyhead Sun 10-Feb-13 00:40:11

It would never occur to me to carry out scarily good investigation and interrogation on my dh's night out.

That's a problem imo.

As far as strippers go, they are naff and cheesy and cringy and bleugh. I'd definitely think less of a man who got all slobbery about them. Someone who was present in the room when they were booked by someone else? No different from you being present when the equally naff, cheesy male strippers were doing their thing.

sleepyhead Sun 10-Feb-13 00:40:51

Why did you feel you had to investigate btw?

ToomuchWaternotWine Sun 10-Feb-13 00:40:56

Ahem, please can I just point out that belly dancers are NOT sex workers, strippers or escorts. We dance in costumes that cover our breasts and fannies, thanks. Yes, our bellies and hips MAY be exposed (and sometimes not, depending on your costume preferences and the style of dance) but our dancing is a cultural and musical expressive art, not a strip tease. Anything dodgy anyone may have seen is NOT proper belly dancing.

OP yabu to interrogate or investigate, but I can understand a little bit if you heard things from others that made you realise your DP hadn't told you the full story. That would upset me too. But Yabu also to attempt to ban him from his bros stag do. You can make your feelings clear (as I think you have done!) but in the end, it comes down to trust. You have to trust he won't interact, otherwise your relationship has real problem.

WilsonFrickett Sun 10-Feb-13 00:42:20

yaimee that's my point really. Practically everyone on the thread seems to believe that watching strippers is a fact of life (including the op) - I don't. That's all really, just trying to put it across that it's not a human right to watch naked ladies as part of a stag. And if it wasn't seen as a general part of a stag, the op wouldn't be asking the question.

And while the shaking comment was tongue in cheek, it's valid. You would no doubt be horrified to come home and find a friend or neighbour dancing naked for your partner - why does someone else organising the same thing in the context of a stag night make it ok or any different?

WorraLiberty Sun 10-Feb-13 00:43:09

RedToothBrush what a very eloquent post

That's it in a nutshell for me

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