Not wanting to be invited to a lunch if there is someone I don't talk to?

(340 Posts)
Neverland2013 Fri 08-Feb-13 22:46:22

I will try to keep it short. I had a big fall out with one of the mums from our 'mumsgroup' over a year ago. In the past, during a B'day party, I managed to be civil to this person but I am rather annoyed that one of my friends invited me as well as the other person to a Saturday lunch although she knows how I feel.

mynewpassion Fri 08-Feb-13 23:18:48

Guess your friend is not holding a grudge.

Yfronts Fri 08-Feb-13 23:20:09

you are both grown ups, I'm sure you can be civil

echt Fri 08-Feb-13 23:21:58

You've managed to be civil once, so I'm sure you can do it again.

MrsMangelfanciedPaulRobinson Fri 08-Feb-13 23:22:58

mynewpassion why would the ex friend hold a grudge against the OP? The OP hasn't done anything wrong

Yfronts Fri 08-Feb-13 23:24:20

move forward? get over it. agree gazumping is an dirty thing but it's just part of house buying and I'm sure it was nothing personal. of course the vendor would sell to who ever was prepared to pay more. you could have offered more also possibly?

SirBoobAlot Fri 08-Feb-13 23:27:34

So she paid more for a house you wanted?

And you expect other people to isolate her because of this?

hmm

HecateWhoopass Fri 08-Feb-13 23:28:11

you can't expect your friend to choose between you.

If you play with her i won't be your friend any more...

you have to get over it.

Yes, it was a shitty thing to do. But it's been a year. you are going to have to find a way to be civil. People aren't going to choose sides. If you can't find a way to be civil, then you risk losing friends.

Neverland2013 Fri 08-Feb-13 23:28:27

Yes, it was horrible at the time. Perhaps more as it was done by someone I knew well and our children spent so much time together. Although I don't expect my friend to choose I would prefer not to be invited to same playdates or lunches (although I can understand if it is a special day eg. B'day etc).

MrsMangelfanciedPaulRobinson Fri 08-Feb-13 23:29:04

I'm really surprised that some of you think that the OP's ex friend didn't act badly? I think, if she knew the OP had gone for the house that she acted sneakily and unfairly. I would never do that to a friend, not if I wanted them to talk to me again! People do get emotional and upset about house buying, it's very stressful. I think her friend acted badly.

HecateWhoopass Fri 08-Feb-13 23:29:59

But it was just an invitation. Which you are free to decline. I don't understand why you're cross that she invited you.

Just say no.

Unless what you actually want is her to not invite the other woman, so that you can go?

I mean, you can go, obviously, but you don't want to if she's there.

MrsMangelfanciedPaulRobinson Fri 08-Feb-13 23:30:33

I don't see too how the OP will lose friends by refusing to have anything to do with this woman. As adults we are free to choose who we socialise with and associate with. I would expect my friends to be supportive of any decisions I make not to speak to someone. Not to take sides, but to respect the fact that that was my decision.

ouryve Fri 08-Feb-13 23:30:57

How many of you are going?

If 3 of you, you can't make it.

If 12 of you, then sit at the other end of the table and get over it. Or say no, anyway.

HecateWhoopass Fri 08-Feb-13 23:31:28

I agree. She did.

But who's going to lose out now? The OP. By declining invitations etc, she runs the risk of not being as close to her friends. You can be civil to someone in a group, for the benefit to you of being part of that group and being with the other people.

Whoknowswhocares Fri 08-Feb-13 23:31:37

Well that's your call. But it will be you and your children who will miss out confused Cutting off nose to spite face will not turn back time and she will have got the house AND your friends
Which will make it 2-0

MrsMangelfanciedPaulRobinson Fri 08-Feb-13 23:32:52

Well that's very true Hecate, and I think if I was in OP's position I would do as you suggest. However I would expect friends not to fall out with me just because I'd decided for my own reasons to cut someone out of my life.

CaseyShraeger Fri 08-Feb-13 23:33:25

You're the one with the grudge; you should be the one to make the effort to check up on whether your ex-friend is going to be at events before you accept (or decline) the invitations. It's unfair to expect all your mutual friends to keep a mental spreadsheet of who isn't speaking to whom and validate all their invitation lists against it.

HollyBerryBush Fri 08-Feb-13 23:33:47

I doubt the seller was upset. Its an estate agents remit to get best price. Duty of care to the seller.

SirBoobAlot Fri 08-Feb-13 23:33:50

If you'd rather not be including in social gatherings, then you will loose friends. Plain and simple. Firstly as people will stop inviting you, and secondly because they will think you are being very childish.

No one is asking you to be the best of friends with her, for goodness sakes, but surely its worth a few civil words for the sake of the rest of your social group?

HecateWhoopass Fri 08-Feb-13 23:34:07

If she distances herself from the group, won't attend all the get togethers, basically makes it be known that it's either her or the other woman - do you not think that has the potential to make things harder for the group, or to create more distance?

It would for me.

Like I say, I think this other woman behaved badly. I wouldn't do that to a friend. A house is not worth more than a friend. But it's done and the best thing for the OP to do is to be the bigger person about it.

Neverland2013 Fri 08-Feb-13 23:35:57

I received the invite earlier today via FB and already accepted without noticing that the other person was invited as well. The group will be rather small - 4 families max. I feel like coming up with an excuse but then again I don't understand why am I being invited when I made my feelings very clear.

HecateWhoopass Fri 08-Feb-13 23:36:12

I am not saying they will actively fall out with her.

It is more - and this is just speculation on my part - that a distance could be created. and who wants to organise alternate get togethers and remember to not invite X if you invite Y. In the end, one of them will get sidelined. Not in a grand falling out way, but in a this is just too much hassle way

MrsMangelfanciedPaulRobinson Fri 08-Feb-13 23:37:05

I find it interesting to see some of you on here refer to the OP as bearing a 'grudge'. I don't see why wanting to cut someone out of her life is holding a grudge. If someone treats me badly then I cut them out of my life. I try not to dwell on it and would never act spitefully to someone in retaliation for them treating me badly, but I would cut someone off. I don't see this as being a bad thing in all honesty.

SirBoobAlot Fri 08-Feb-13 23:37:09

Maybe because they value you as a friend and expect you to act like you're not 13?

HecateWhoopass Fri 08-Feb-13 23:37:11

Does it matter? If you don't want to go - don't go. They only invited you. you're free to decline.

CaseyShraeger Fri 08-Feb-13 23:37:56

I don't see too how the OP will lose friends by refusing to have anything to do with this woman

Because the wider group of friends is going to have a series of lunches and birthday parties and get-togethers, and the OP isn't going to be going to them -- indeed, doesn't want to even be invited to them -- in case she encounters X. It seems obvious that that's going to distance her from the group, if she sees them far less often than she used to.

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