AIBU to never want kids??

(225 Posts)
Judged Fri 08-Feb-13 14:47:43

So I don't want to have children and I am incessantly judged and patronised for it. It doesn't help that my reasons are unusual.

The following are my reasons for never wanting kids-

-I have severe tokophobia (pathological fear of childbirth). I cannot even contemplate the idea of a vaginal birth.
-I love my career and have high ambitions. Becoming a SAHM or a housewife would be a slow death for me. Also, I don’t like the idea of being economically dependent and answerable for how much I spend and why. It’s important for me to have my own money.
-I’ve seen children take couples further and further apart. I’ve always kind of perceived them as a threat to a strong relationship because of the challenges they bring.
-I have always had body confidence issues. Due to my PCOS, I have always battled with maintaining my weight and I already have things like stretch marks and acne scars. The thought of having a major acne breakout during pregnancy (I’ve heard that pregnancy can make acne worse) makes me literally want to cry. As does the idea of putting on weight which won’t come off.
-The idea of developing issues like melasma and severe morning sickness really terrifies me.
-I just HATE hospitals and invasive medical procedures. I’m an extremely private person and the idea of being poked, prodded and being so vulnerable is just awful to me.
-Due to my PCOS, there’s a chance that I might need hormone therapy and/or IVF and that too makes me sick to the stomach for the same reasons mentioned above.

Vaginal birth, weight gain, the changes in the body, and the possibility of having to give up job just make me hate the idea of ever having children.

In my culture, EVERY man wants kids. I know at the back of my head that I will have to have them whether I want them or not and this does tend to disturb me immensely.

So what do I do??? AIBU to not want to have kids??

I have PCOS and after slimming down from 18 stone to 11 stone in 2001, put on quite a lot of weight during pregnancy (2010 - 4 stone, DS born March 2011) but have lost over half of it now and am looking to be back in my size 12s by christmas at the latest. The idea of putting the inevitable weight on upset me quite a lot, but I love Dominos after a few months I got over that and just enjoyed my expanding bump. I had no problems conceiving (1st month of trying, got pregnant on honeymoon). I already had stretchmarks from my teenage years, so DS didn't give me any new ones at all. If you don't want a baby, don't have one. But the PCOS doesn't always mean you'll have problems smile

Maryz Fri 08-Feb-13 16:50:06

amillion, she wouldn't be considered for adoption at the moment if she gave her op to a social worker, for two reasons. Firstly she says she isn't prepared to take a step back, to take time off, to take a career break. Unless her partner was prepared to stay at home for at least a year, then adoption isn't an option. The second reason is that from her post it seems to me that she would find the adoption process extremely invasive of her privacy, much more so than getting pregnant.

There are many, many more hoops to adoption than most people think. She would need to prove that she really wants children, not that she is prepared to have them if they don't change her life, if that makes sense? I'm not of course saying she could never adopt, but she would have to sort out her anxieties and also know for certain she wanted children before starting.

People are proposing adoption as an easy answer - oh, if you don't want to get pregnant you can adopt; oh, if you don't want to cope with a small baby, you can adopt an older child etc. In reality adoption is a much harder and more stressful way to parenthood for both parent and child.

Maryz Fri 08-Feb-13 16:50:46

PearlyWhites - that was unnecessary hmm and probably untrue. The op doesn't sound self-obsessed to me, she sounds anxious.

HecateWhoopass Fri 08-Feb-13 16:55:17

That was mean.

And anyway - so what if she was, anyway? At least she is aware enough to not inflict herself on a child! That's good.

Get over to the stately homes threads to find out what happens when self absorbed people actually have children.

(sorry, OP, not agreeing that you are. just making a point)

amillionyears Fri 08-Feb-13 16:56:01

I didnt know that one person had to stay at home full time for the first year if they wanted to adopt.

PearlyWhites Fri 08-Feb-13 17:02:55

Maybe a bit mean but that wasnt my intention. I was just being honest. I have never read so many "I's" in an op.

Judged Fri 08-Feb-13 17:08:07

If I already was a parent, then thinking about myself only could be considered selfish. I don't understand it when people say I am selfish to not want kids....
Being selfish is about doing something that's good for you even if it harms other people. Who am I harming by not having children?

Maryz Fri 08-Feb-13 17:08:44

Many children being adopted have been moved around a lot amillion, so need stability for quite a while.

zzzzz Fri 08-Feb-13 17:09:01

I wasn't asking about adoption as a having children lite shock.

I was trying to tease out what the stumbling block was. I see no reason why anyone has to have children at all. But OP says she likes children and finds babies adorable but is petrified of financial dependence and pg. I was interested to know which bit was driving her stance.

Adoption is IMO a totally different ball game to fertility treatment, however many people who are sub fertile have already thought a lot about it rather naturally.

DontEvenThinkAboutIt Fri 08-Feb-13 17:09:09

pearly. The OP's dilemma is her dilemma confused. Of course, her OP has to contain lots of I's. How could it not ?

Maryz Fri 08-Feb-13 17:09:50

x-posted.

You are harming no-one. And you are benefiting the rest of the world, there are far too many children in it as it stands.

Lottapianos Fri 08-Feb-13 17:12:32

YANBU at all OP. I'm pretty sure I don't want children either. I hear you on the judgment issue - I have had some people make really rotten comments. But I've also had lovely comments, and total indifference too, which is fine by me. If someone is being incredibly critical of such a personal decision, I think it says more about them than about you. There are lots of non parents on here by the way so stick around!

Absoluteeightiesgirl Fri 08-Feb-13 17:13:38

Am surprised you have to ask.

amillionyears Fri 08-Feb-13 17:14:36

Judged.
The people around you should not be judging you.
You are not doing anything wrong by not wanting to have children.

Agree with Maryz, there are too many children in the world already, you are balancing it out a bit.

DontEvenThinkAboutIt Fri 08-Feb-13 17:17:38

OP, Do people actually tell you that you are selfish for not wanting kids ............

or is it just that you think they think you are selfish?

amillionyears Fri 08-Feb-13 17:17:42

I do have to say one thing.

Where I used to work, there was a person who was adamant she did not want children. Fair enough. She bought up the subject quite often. OK.
But no matter how many times her work colleagues agreed with her that she it did not matter if she did not have children, she kept bringing the subject up.

In the end we realised that she had a problem with it herself.

thebody Fri 08-Feb-13 17:22:40

Why would you feel you 'have' to have kids.

Lots of women choose not to. Do what suits you.

Who should care but you. It's your body and your life.

My dss didn't have kids! Didn't want them. So what!

You seem quite clear that for a number of reasons you don't want children.

And that you'll be looking for a partner who doesn't want them either.

That's good, you know what you want. Start from there !

Personally I found having two babies and raising them was a fab (if tiring) life project, but I do know as well that there are a thousand other things you can do with your life - either instead or as well smile

NumericalMum Fri 08-Feb-13 17:36:45

YANBU for not wanting children.
I do think your reasons are a bit odd tbh.
Childbirth, whilst not any fun, was pretty easy compared to recovery from major surgery.
I am not a SAHM. I hated maternity leave. I am not financially dependent on anybody. I have a pension and own half a house, car etc. the small time out I had on maternity leave (11 months) was a tiny insignificant part of my whole career.
My DH and I did find our DC caused a wedge in our relationship but to be honest that was there long before DC, she just meant we couldn't hide from it anymore. After significant counselling and a lot of hard work our lives as a team of 3 are so much better than the individuals we were pre-DC!

Judged Fri 08-Feb-13 17:40:58

NumericalMUM- I don't really want to get into a debate about a vaginal birth v/s recovery from a major surgery. I'm quite well researched on the subject and I have a severe phobia of birth. I simply cannot do it vaginally. It's a c section or nothing. I suppose you have to have the phobia to understand what I mean.

Judged Fri 08-Feb-13 17:41:30

No, I don't think I am selfish, but plenty of people have called me that for not wanting children.

I really think anyone who calls a woman selfish for not wanting children is a bit dim hasn't thought things through at all

JamieandtheMagicTorch Fri 08-Feb-13 17:45:24

I don't think you sound at all selfish. You do sound quite fearful, which might end up being a bit limiting for you in the long run. I'd say this if the issue weren't having children.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Fri 08-Feb-13 17:46:02

I meant, I'd also say this if the issue weren't having children

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