to think DD is too old for pocket money?

(166 Posts)
NewPatchesForOld Fri 08-Feb-13 11:14:28

DD1 is now 18. She is at college doing A levels having wasted a year doing a college course which she had no interest in and which, although now qualified, will never use. All her friends either work full time or have part time jobs in McDs, or local shops, or pubs etc...but DD1 just won't work. She says that she has tried to get a job but can't...that there are none around. However I often see jobs advertised in town and come home and tell her but she never applies for them. The local co op advertises loads of jobs but she doesn't want to work locally...McDs is 'beneath her', she won't ask in the pub up the road because 'they deal drugs', she won't take a job in the industry for which she is qualified bcause she hates the work, in short she just won't get off her arse and work.

Now she has asked if I will give her 'pocket money'. When I said I couldn't afford it she got really irate, she needs money, it's not her fault she can't get a job, as she can't get a job it's mine to fund her life...I have just finished paying out hundreds for her driving lessons resulting in me not having any spare money at all for myself or treats for the other Dcs, I'm a single mum and live literally hand to mouth some weeks.

She wants the money so she can go out drinking (I can't afford to do this myself), and get tattoos...she already has 2.

I was working from the age of 14, and frankly I think she should be embarrassed to be asking for pocket money at her age.

But AIBU?

SunflowersSmile Tue 12-Feb-13 08:22:41

Sorry not read whole thread as about to go out...
Baby sitting for extra money?
I did this from age 14 [back in the olden days!!].

NynaevesSister Tue 12-Feb-13 08:18:29

Then I think you've tried everything and the only thing left is to not give her any money, leave her to sort out everything on her own, and ignore her bad behaviour. Don't respond to anything she says. In another discussion we were talking about the success many people had had using toddler training methods on immature and bullying bosses. It occurs to me that her behaviour is very similar. Try the same techniques?

YouOldSlag Sun 10-Feb-13 16:09:14

8 job apps in 3 months is not many. She is being too fussy.

NewPatchesForOld Sun 10-Feb-13 15:39:14

nynaevesSister...sorry, my mistake smile. She had to find the books on amazon and then I ordered them, as it was with my card. I didn't source the docs either, I'm actually really interested in criminology so when there is a programme on she will tell me and I'll watch it with her.

Yfronts I've bent over backwards to help her find work, believe me. Even my BF will text me numbers/details of jobs he thinks she'll be interested in but she never really pursues them. She's applied for 8 jobs since November (I had a long talk with her yesterday) and 5 of those were to the same company but different branches. TBH I don't know what sort of job she wants to do - as nothing that comes up seems suitable.

Yfronts Sun 10-Feb-13 14:17:25

Tell her you will help her find work. Then help her. What sort of job does she want to do?

Yfronts Sun 10-Feb-13 14:16:34

In those circumstances, she must earn the money. Will be a good lesson for her. If she was studying at UNI, working part time and needing a bit extra towards food, that would be totally different.

NynaevesSister Sun 10-Feb-13 13:02:18

No I didn't say you said that at all. I said that might be what she is getting from all this. Did you go and get the books? Or give her the money she needed for them (and if she spends that money on going out tell her tough go get a library card). So if you sorted all the books out and/or organised the doc viewing then the message is you don't think her capable EVEN tho that's the opposite of what you think! If you left it all to her to organise and just ordered the books when she gave you info on what and where, or gave her the cash, and sat down to watch the docs that she had sourced/figured out in tv schedule then frankly you've done the best parenting job you can and really stop beating yourself up. Good will out, and if you nip this money thing in the bud now then she will come out of this OK. May be a while though!

NewPatchesForOld Sun 10-Feb-13 11:59:43

NynaevesSister I never tell her what I think she should do apart from that she should actually attend college!?!

I buy the books she needs because it is part of her education, and I watch the documentaries because she asks me to. I have no qualms about funding her education, buying the equipment she needs, only with funding drinking and inking. And I said earlier that when she said she was thinking of becoming a counsellor I never told her to do otherwise.

You say I don't think she can do it on her own...on the contrary, I know she can and this is why it upsets me to see her not trying.

thumbwitch yes, she could very well help with some of the projects, so I will see about putting that into practice, thankyou smile

NynaevesSister Sun 10-Feb-13 09:14:58

Marz thank you. It is a hard learned lesson that the last few decades have taught parents in situations where there has been relationship breakdowns. I was able to learn from the mistakes of others too and not do the same with our kids. It really is new terriotory, our grandparents didn't have to parent in the same world we do.

OP the more you say the more I can see where your issues might really lie. You see yourself as being involved and showing support by doing things like getting all her books, watching the documentaries. The message she is getting though is that you don't think she can do it on her own. And she doesn't have any confidence in herself so gives up and doesn't try.

You need to back off and leave her alone to work her own way through this. Stop the money stop telling her what you think she should do. If she wants to be a counsellor then say good for you. Off you go. If you want to do this then I am sure you can do it.

mrsbunnylove Sat 09-Feb-13 16:39:16

my understanding is that if you bite their tails repeatedly, they will leave the den.

Startail Sat 09-Feb-13 15:24:57

Personally I expect to fund reasonable expenses and socialising for my DDs until they get uni loans, but we live in the sticks.

There are shop and pub jobs, but my time and petrol to facilitate them doing them may well not be with it.

Sallyingforth Sat 09-Feb-13 15:05:50

if you knew me you would laugh at that because I am one of the most easy going people you could meet!
^ That
You are being too nice to her and she is taking advantage big time. Next Monday instead of taking her out to the cinema, sit down with her over a local paper's part-time job adverts.

Thumbwitch Sat 09-Feb-13 14:35:44

Can she help you with any of the projects? That might be a way forward? It might help you out as well. smile

Hope you have a good weekend too - good luck! (I'm off to bed now, other side of the world, very late here!)

NewPatchesForOld Sat 09-Feb-13 14:29:36

Sometimes you can't do right for doing wrong as a parent can you? hmm

NewPatchesForOld Sat 09-Feb-13 14:28:39

Thumbwitch yes something has to change and it has to be me who changes it.
I just don't understand her - if I was paying her less attention than the others I would expect this playing up for attention, but she already gets it...go figure!

I actually have heaps to do on a Monday, I am working on several projects to try and get the business growing, but I try and keep Mondays clear. I will suggest the voluntary work to her but I think I know what her response will be (something along the lines of she's not working for nothing)...if she won't get herself a paid job she's not going to do it for the love of it.

Hope you have a good weekend all smile

Thumbwitch Sat 09-Feb-13 14:12:58

Well something has to change, Newpatches - perhaps you should cut down on her special Monday time, just the two of you - it seems like she thinks she has you twisted round her little finger, show her otherwise. I expect you pay for everything on those town/cinema visits too - she is spoilt, and her expectations that you will treat her differently/more specially than the other two are being reinforced by these Mondays.

Rather than doing something self-indulgent together, perhaps you could both do some voluntary work on a Monday instead? You could then still have your together time and it might encourage her to be less selfish.

NewPatchesForOld Sat 09-Feb-13 14:00:33

We even go to the cinema on a Monday morning if there is something she wants to see that we can't see with the other Dcs, so she really does get more time, and attention, than the others.

NewPatchesForOld Sat 09-Feb-13 13:57:37

believe me, I have tried sitting down with her and trying to explain things to her. I'm not angry - if you knew me you would laugh at that because I am one of the most easy going people you could meet! I am fearful for her future mostly, and hurt by her attitude towards me and the other Dcs, but not angry. I was behind her when she said she wanted to do forensic psychology, bought her the books, watched the documentaries with her etc. I've never said she couldn't make it as a counsellor, even though I know it would be the wrong thing for her to do as she just doesn't have that empathy required. I've always encouraged the DCs to reach for the moon.
Yes, I believe she is jealous of DS, but there is nothing I can do to change that - he is a go-getter and she is not, and I'm certainly not going to try and get him to hold back so she doesn't feel inadequate.
She has every Monday off college, and we always either go into town, go to costa and have coffee and cake or if it's a crappy day we will snuggle up on the settee and watch programmes she wants to watch or a film etc. Mondays are our day, and the other 2 DC don't get that, so she isn't lacking in one to one attention from me.

Merry please don't think I am minimising the HMS, I'm really not. I have fibromyalgia, and at times I have to use a stick to walk. Part of that is also extreme debilitating fatigue so I do know what it's like, but I know for a fact that she plays on it, and she admitted that last night when she said she takes all the time off from college because she hates it, not because she is ill. Now that makes me angry, faking illness to be lazy. I also had cervical cancer this time last year, so I know more than many how badly illness can affect you, but I am a single mum of 3 and I had to keep going, keep getting up every morning. And I worry that she will be unable to work because she cannot bring herself to do a full day's hours.

I've spoken to her this morning about her behaviour last night. She said she was tired and in pain and that made her grumpy. I said I understood that but that it was no excuse to be mean, and that she owed her brother an apology...she refused to do that.

I don't mean to drip feed, or keep adding to her list of 'crimes'; I love my DD very much, she was my first born and will always be special and I do show all the DC that I love them every day. I am very affectionate, I cuddle them all, kiss them, and we all say 'I love you' man y times a day, including DD1. But I can see her ruining her future before it's even begun, and that panics me.

I encouraged her to see the student counsellor at college, as I thought there might be something she felt she couldn't tell me, or that it might be something I am doing myself and she doesn't want to offend me. She made an apt but never went. We talk about everything, are all very6 open with each other and they all know I will always have their backs.

Sallyingforth Sat 09-Feb-13 12:32:15

I had to laugh at the counselling too! Sounds like she needs to be receiving rather than giving it.
At 18 she's an adult and needs to be at least attempting to support herself.
You are not helping her by pandering to her entitled ways.

By 18, I was working f/t, pregnant and in a house share. I had an entitled attitude but finding myself homeless at 17 really helped, I worked in McD's which was one of the best jobs I've had.

I would be offering her choices to knuckle down to study, get a job and pay board and lodgings, get a full time job and pay b&l or get a job and find another place to live.

18 may be young, but there's no need for entitlement, she is an adult and she needs to be treated like one.

Maryz Sat 09-Feb-13 11:58:57

NynaevesSister, that's a very interesting point about " at some point she learnt to associate how much you love her with how much you give her".

I never thought of it like that, but with us all having such busy lives I suspect this will become more and more of a problem with kids - we no longer have the time to spend with them, to teach them how to deal with, eg household chores, finances, that type of thing. Instead we are busy earning money to buy them things.

I'm going to remember that in the future. It's a valuable lesson. We need to teach our children that sometimes we show our love by not giving them things.

MerryCouthyMows Sat 09-Feb-13 09:15:54

Socharlottet - The OP may get Tax Credits, but surely that is to cover the electricity, gas, water, food and basic clothing that the OP's DD requires? And possibly her travel to college too.

TC's certainly don't give you enough to fund a child's social life!

TC's work out to around 54 a week per child if you are getting the maximum. Which is unlikely as the OP works. Once you have paid fares to college and bought food for that DC, there won't be anything left over.

MerryCouthyMows Sat 09-Feb-13 09:11:18

I have Hypermobility syndrome that has now caused me to develop arthritis. I have 4 DC's, 3 of whom also have Hypermobility syndrome, and pain from it. We all still have to get on with day to day things.

I have to do the housework as much as possible, and the DC's have to help me with that too. Tbh it sounds like my 9yo with SEVERE Hypermobility syndrome (to the point where he didn't walk at all until he was 3y7m, and has developed kyphosis so severe and painful that yesterday the orthopaedic consultant said he is at risk of ending up in a wheelchair if his Physio doesn't have enough effect.)

He does more round the house than your 18yo DD. Hypermobility syndrome is painful. But it isn't an excuse to do fuck all and mooch off your Mum forever!

MerryCouthyMows Sat 09-Feb-13 08:55:47

Christ on a bike! My nearly 15yo DD with multiple complex needs is trying to find a weekend job FFS! She has one place, a bakery, that might take her - she has to go there again next weekend to sort it out. As the manager said, it doesn't matter if she can't read Shakespeare, as long as she can bake! (Which she can. Awesomely.)

I would LAUGH at an ADULT if they asked for money at 18 - by 18 I was working FT and had a DC.

DD knows that there is no way I can pay for driving lessons for her, and no way I would - it would have been a great motivator to get a job.

You can say no to your DD over this without any guilt IMO. She CAN get a job, she just doesn't want to.

NynaevesSister Sat 09-Feb-13 08:49:49

I was going to say what Hesterton said. Basically, at some point she learnt to associate how much you love her with how much you give her. And of course that is never enough. As we all know things don't fill the gap but she hasn't learnt that. This behaviour is oh so familiar from the step families support groups I have belonged to in the past.

So the answer is to stop giving her money, things, and your help. Give her your time, smile as much as you can when she is around to reinforce good behaviour, tell her that you love her lots even when she throws it in your face, don't react to her when she mouths off and instead just listen to her. Finally stand firm. You are a good mother, believe in yourself and she will start to believe in herself too.

And when things are at their worst, peek in on her sleeping. You will see her real face, the lovely little baby and girl you remember. It really helps get you thru those tougher teen years.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now