to think DD is too old for pocket money?

(166 Posts)
NewPatchesForOld Fri 08-Feb-13 11:14:28

DD1 is now 18. She is at college doing A levels having wasted a year doing a college course which she had no interest in and which, although now qualified, will never use. All her friends either work full time or have part time jobs in McDs, or local shops, or pubs etc...but DD1 just won't work. She says that she has tried to get a job but can't...that there are none around. However I often see jobs advertised in town and come home and tell her but she never applies for them. The local co op advertises loads of jobs but she doesn't want to work locally...McDs is 'beneath her', she won't ask in the pub up the road because 'they deal drugs', she won't take a job in the industry for which she is qualified bcause she hates the work, in short she just won't get off her arse and work.

Now she has asked if I will give her 'pocket money'. When I said I couldn't afford it she got really irate, she needs money, it's not her fault she can't get a job, as she can't get a job it's mine to fund her life...I have just finished paying out hundreds for her driving lessons resulting in me not having any spare money at all for myself or treats for the other Dcs, I'm a single mum and live literally hand to mouth some weeks.

She wants the money so she can go out drinking (I can't afford to do this myself), and get tattoos...she already has 2.

I was working from the age of 14, and frankly I think she should be embarrassed to be asking for pocket money at her age.

But AIBU?

Thumbwitch Sat 09-Feb-13 14:12:58

Well something has to change, Newpatches - perhaps you should cut down on her special Monday time, just the two of you - it seems like she thinks she has you twisted round her little finger, show her otherwise. I expect you pay for everything on those town/cinema visits too - she is spoilt, and her expectations that you will treat her differently/more specially than the other two are being reinforced by these Mondays.

Rather than doing something self-indulgent together, perhaps you could both do some voluntary work on a Monday instead? You could then still have your together time and it might encourage her to be less selfish.

NewPatchesForOld Sat 09-Feb-13 14:28:39

Thumbwitch yes something has to change and it has to be me who changes it.
I just don't understand her - if I was paying her less attention than the others I would expect this playing up for attention, but she already gets it...go figure!

I actually have heaps to do on a Monday, I am working on several projects to try and get the business growing, but I try and keep Mondays clear. I will suggest the voluntary work to her but I think I know what her response will be (something along the lines of she's not working for nothing)...if she won't get herself a paid job she's not going to do it for the love of it.

Hope you have a good weekend all smile

NewPatchesForOld Sat 09-Feb-13 14:29:36

Sometimes you can't do right for doing wrong as a parent can you? hmm

Thumbwitch Sat 09-Feb-13 14:35:44

Can she help you with any of the projects? That might be a way forward? It might help you out as well. smile

Hope you have a good weekend too - good luck! (I'm off to bed now, other side of the world, very late here!)

Sallyingforth Sat 09-Feb-13 15:05:50

if you knew me you would laugh at that because I am one of the most easy going people you could meet!
^ That
You are being too nice to her and she is taking advantage big time. Next Monday instead of taking her out to the cinema, sit down with her over a local paper's part-time job adverts.

Startail Sat 09-Feb-13 15:24:57

Personally I expect to fund reasonable expenses and socialising for my DDs until they get uni loans, but we live in the sticks.

There are shop and pub jobs, but my time and petrol to facilitate them doing them may well not be with it.

mrsbunnylove Sat 09-Feb-13 16:39:16

my understanding is that if you bite their tails repeatedly, they will leave the den.

NynaevesSister Sun 10-Feb-13 09:14:58

Marz thank you. It is a hard learned lesson that the last few decades have taught parents in situations where there has been relationship breakdowns. I was able to learn from the mistakes of others too and not do the same with our kids. It really is new terriotory, our grandparents didn't have to parent in the same world we do.

OP the more you say the more I can see where your issues might really lie. You see yourself as being involved and showing support by doing things like getting all her books, watching the documentaries. The message she is getting though is that you don't think she can do it on her own. And she doesn't have any confidence in herself so gives up and doesn't try.

You need to back off and leave her alone to work her own way through this. Stop the money stop telling her what you think she should do. If she wants to be a counsellor then say good for you. Off you go. If you want to do this then I am sure you can do it.

NewPatchesForOld Sun 10-Feb-13 11:59:43

NynaevesSister I never tell her what I think she should do apart from that she should actually attend college!?!

I buy the books she needs because it is part of her education, and I watch the documentaries because she asks me to. I have no qualms about funding her education, buying the equipment she needs, only with funding drinking and inking. And I said earlier that when she said she was thinking of becoming a counsellor I never told her to do otherwise.

You say I don't think she can do it on her own...on the contrary, I know she can and this is why it upsets me to see her not trying.

thumbwitch yes, she could very well help with some of the projects, so I will see about putting that into practice, thankyou smile

NynaevesSister Sun 10-Feb-13 13:02:18

No I didn't say you said that at all. I said that might be what she is getting from all this. Did you go and get the books? Or give her the money she needed for them (and if she spends that money on going out tell her tough go get a library card). So if you sorted all the books out and/or organised the doc viewing then the message is you don't think her capable EVEN tho that's the opposite of what you think! If you left it all to her to organise and just ordered the books when she gave you info on what and where, or gave her the cash, and sat down to watch the docs that she had sourced/figured out in tv schedule then frankly you've done the best parenting job you can and really stop beating yourself up. Good will out, and if you nip this money thing in the bud now then she will come out of this OK. May be a while though!

Yfronts Sun 10-Feb-13 14:16:34

In those circumstances, she must earn the money. Will be a good lesson for her. If she was studying at UNI, working part time and needing a bit extra towards food, that would be totally different.

Yfronts Sun 10-Feb-13 14:17:25

Tell her you will help her find work. Then help her. What sort of job does she want to do?

NewPatchesForOld Sun 10-Feb-13 15:39:14

nynaevesSister...sorry, my mistake smile. She had to find the books on amazon and then I ordered them, as it was with my card. I didn't source the docs either, I'm actually really interested in criminology so when there is a programme on she will tell me and I'll watch it with her.

Yfronts I've bent over backwards to help her find work, believe me. Even my BF will text me numbers/details of jobs he thinks she'll be interested in but she never really pursues them. She's applied for 8 jobs since November (I had a long talk with her yesterday) and 5 of those were to the same company but different branches. TBH I don't know what sort of job she wants to do - as nothing that comes up seems suitable.

YouOldSlag Sun 10-Feb-13 16:09:14

8 job apps in 3 months is not many. She is being too fussy.

NynaevesSister Tue 12-Feb-13 08:18:29

Then I think you've tried everything and the only thing left is to not give her any money, leave her to sort out everything on her own, and ignore her bad behaviour. Don't respond to anything she says. In another discussion we were talking about the success many people had had using toddler training methods on immature and bullying bosses. It occurs to me that her behaviour is very similar. Try the same techniques?

SunflowersSmile Tue 12-Feb-13 08:22:41

Sorry not read whole thread as about to go out...
Baby sitting for extra money?
I did this from age 14 [back in the olden days!!].

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