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to think DD is too old for pocket money?

(166 Posts)
NewPatchesForOld Fri 08-Feb-13 11:14:28

DD1 is now 18. She is at college doing A levels having wasted a year doing a college course which she had no interest in and which, although now qualified, will never use. All her friends either work full time or have part time jobs in McDs, or local shops, or pubs etc...but DD1 just won't work. She says that she has tried to get a job but can't...that there are none around. However I often see jobs advertised in town and come home and tell her but she never applies for them. The local co op advertises loads of jobs but she doesn't want to work locally...McDs is 'beneath her', she won't ask in the pub up the road because 'they deal drugs', she won't take a job in the industry for which she is qualified bcause she hates the work, in short she just won't get off her arse and work.

Now she has asked if I will give her 'pocket money'. When I said I couldn't afford it she got really irate, she needs money, it's not her fault she can't get a job, as she can't get a job it's mine to fund her life...I have just finished paying out hundreds for her driving lessons resulting in me not having any spare money at all for myself or treats for the other Dcs, I'm a single mum and live literally hand to mouth some weeks.

She wants the money so she can go out drinking (I can't afford to do this myself), and get tattoos...she already has 2.

I was working from the age of 14, and frankly I think she should be embarrassed to be asking for pocket money at her age.

But AIBU?

ZZZenAgain Fri 08-Feb-13 12:01:59

Well I would support her through A-levels so she can get on with sorting out her life in the long-term but beyond the essentials and maybe an occasional treat I wouldn't finance her lifestyle. Don't buy her make-up, don't give her money to go out. She will have to get herself a job in the end. She is just not motivated to make her life more difficult if she does not absolutely have to do it. What is going to happen after A-levels, does she have any plans?

HollyBerryBush Fri 08-Feb-13 12:03:34

They wont keep her at college with attendance like that.

NewPatchesForOld Fri 08-Feb-13 12:04:27

Thumbwitch I have thought about that whole switching from one course to another...she intends to do this one and then go to uni...hahahahahaha...how the hell she'd fund that I really don't know. She says she will go and live with her father as she is in a town where the uni is, so straight from living here to being kept by her father. She wouldn't have to emerge into the real world until she was...what...23?

I can remember some time back, I was feeling a bit crap and to cheer myself up I went to a nail bar and had false nails done...cost me all of £20. She went mental, as I had refused to give her money for something a couple of days previously. She was enraged...'oh, I see you have money for that, but not for what I want'! Says it all really.

amothersplaceisinthewrong Fri 08-Feb-13 12:05:24

Good, God, I think I would be showing this girl the door. Absolutely no pocket money. There will be some job she can get - my daughter, now 22, has always had some sort of part time job since the age of 16 - card shops, Boots, amusement parks. At 18 she ran a bar in a hotel for a summer.

Stop enabling her behaviour today!

HalleLouja Fri 08-Feb-13 12:05:28

My mum used to cut the plugs off my stereo etc when I was a pain. I was a bit younger and it was a bit harsh but your DD sounds like she might need it.

I used to babysit until I was 17 and then worked every holiday when at Uni and have worked ever since.

HalleLouja Fri 08-Feb-13 12:06:19

Maybe she could go and live with her dad.....

Remotecontrolduck Fri 08-Feb-13 12:06:28

Oh my goodness, I think you need to do something REALLY drastic here, her attitude is appalling.

You're a good person, but she's taking the piss. I'd have hit the roof if mine had behaved like that.

Believeitornot Fri 08-Feb-13 12:08:06

Why are you scared of putting your foot down?

Does you dd realise your in and outgoing and how tight things are?

diddl Fri 08-Feb-13 12:14:41

I would support through A levels-as I was.

However I had good attendance & was applying myself.

But it was the odd tenner here & there for a night /lunch out.

I was for that expected to iron my own clothes, look after my own room & do anything as & when asked.

ouryve Fri 08-Feb-13 12:14:47

Even without a job, she needs to be pulling her weight. I have much younger siblings and at 18, I didn't have a job, but I took care of them after school and during the holidays, I cooked family meals, washed up and did the laundry and mine and my siblings' share of the ironing, I took the dog for walks and I pushed a vacuum cleaner or duster around where it was needed. In short, I earned my keep within the house.

Thumbwitch Fri 08-Feb-13 12:15:40

I'll give you an insight into what it could be like if her behaviour isn't changed now - my BIL is 38. He only does short term contract work, refuses to get a permanent job. This is because he has an attitude problem, especially when he drinks. Anyway. Every time his jobs fall through for whatever reason (contract end, thrown off for disruptive behaviour etc.), he comes home to mummy (MIL). Who takes him in, feeds him, clothes him, does his washing and basically gives him no incentive whatsoever to leave again.

After a very short while of feeling grateful and therefore behaving in a decent manner, he takes to drinking again. Then he comes home and shouts abuse at the neighbours, who sometimes call the police (which shames MIL). So she gives him money to go away for a bit. He does, and then it runs out and he comes back.

He had a house. While he was out of work, she paid the mortgage so he didn't lose it. He didn't live there though! He stayed there occasionally, and once when he was out of money and had lost his driver's licence yet again, he subsisted on the oranges off the tree in the back garden (and lost shitloads of weight).
Then he sold the house - got a tidy profit (6 figure sum!) - did he pay any of it back to his mum? Did he fuck. DId he do anything sensible with it? Did he fuck. It took him just over a year to go through it and then he was back whinging round his mum's.

Then he got drunk and violent and she called the police and she took out an apprehended violence order (AVO), like a restraining order, against him. He wasn't allowed at the house with alcohol on board, he wasn't allowed to stay overnight, he wasn't even allowed to visit without permission - for a year. So - Christmas, she has him over (fair enough, it's Christmas). It took 7 days for him to play up, and she left the house - neighbours called the police, the AVO will be reinstated when he's back in court - at some point, he might ACTUALLY go to jail for breaking it.

My point? His mum has facilitated this behaviour pattern over and over by giving him money and taking him in and doing everything for him, rather than giving him the tough love and guidance he needed when he was a young man. He's been like this for 18 years now - he's not going to change.

ZZZenAgain Fri 08-Feb-13 12:15:49

Maybe she doesn't know where she is going and is a bit afraid of being independent when she leaves home, so she is blocking it all out.

Not sure how to handle it. I would want her to work hard at A-levels and get good results. If she was doing that, studying hard, I would be more supportive because the goal would make it worthwhile but from what you say she is back at school but not putting in much effort.

One thing worth doing I think is to make her do her own vegetarian cooking now so she can learn the ropes and be able to cook her own vegetarian meals when she is at university or out living on her own. I think you probably have to be a bit cruel to be kind.

It would be good if she had a goal and knew what she wanted to do after A-levels. What course did she do which she now knows was not right for her?

diddl Fri 08-Feb-13 12:16:42

I did used to babysit as well-forgot about that.

Could she get a job cleaning?

When I did an HND

diddl Fri 08-Feb-13 12:17:48

Oops!

fulltime, most of the younger students had jobs.

Supermarket work?

bedmonster Fri 08-Feb-13 12:22:09

Good grief I would embarrased that I had let my daughter get away with being such a brat for so long tbh.
I knew a lady like this, she was absolutely lovely, well educated and not at all stupid. Her daughter treated her like a slave in her own home. The Mum cooked her snacks, took them to her bedroom, collected the dirty plates and picked up scummy washing. Washed it and not only delivered it to her room but put it away for her as otherwise it would just get reabsorbed into the dirty stuff again. Gave the daughter lifts to friends houses, parties, gave her money to buy drinks at the pub. Daughter had no motive to get a job - she had a cash cow.
The person causing the problem is you. You have enabled her to live her life this way, and you are the reason she still does it. Make a change now.

Thumbwitch Fri 08-Feb-13 12:22:40

Here's an idea for her - she should get work in either a department store or somewhere like Boots so she can get discount on her makeup. It's quite a good discount at Boots, too!

Shellywelly1973 Fri 08-Feb-13 12:23:09

Op, my dd is 21 &ds is 24.

Ds was fine,worked through his a levels &uni. Although he loved going out&shopping, he didn't expect me to fund him.

Dd so different. Just this week something happened that has made me realise she's a self absorbed, entitled brat... I should have put my foot down when she was 17. I am thoroughly ashamed of her & realise what a rubbish job I've done with her.

Sort it out now, your dd needs to learn to be responsible for herself, i wish i had with my dd.

NewPatchesForOld Fri 08-Feb-13 12:27:09

Here's her trump card regarding college attendance. She has hypermobility syndrome, which is basically another term for double jointed. It does cause her to ache sometimes, I don't deny that, BUT...she can spend all day on the settee complaining of pain, then jump up, get ready and go out dancing all night. She lays it on thick at college, uses a 'disability' argument and they buy it. Now I would be the first to defend her and make allowances for her but I know she plays on it enormously, especially at college. That's how she gets away with such poor attendance. Other students in her class with higher attendance are on report at the moment.

bedmonster Fri 08-Feb-13 12:27:31

I and the other 2 DC spent all day cleaning bedrooms, hoovering, dusting, and generalloy making the house look nice but DD1 sat in her pyjamas ALL day on the settee watching tv!

And as for this, why didn't you make her help out? The reason is, because she would never have done it. Because you've never made her before. Because she knows everyone else will pick up the slack for her. I feel sad for your other children who were working hard for the good of the whole family to see their lazy sister slobbing on the sofa all day not being arsed about pulling together. And again OP, it's you who has enabled this.

ZZZenAgain Fri 08-Feb-13 12:28:43

maybe if she only has the option between voluntary work for a charity in order to get work experience or working for a wage, she'll get herself a job.

If she is old enough to vote/drive/drink/smoke she is old enough to pay her way.

No pocket money
No gifts of make-up etc. These are NOT essential.
No money for drinking. She wants a social life? She has to EARN it.

In fact, I remember my mum stating that if I was 18 and still living at home not only would I not get pocket money, but I would have to pay rent (if I had a job) - if I didn't have a job, then I would be expected to help out at home, effectively be a live-in nanny and cleaner for my mum smile

I did my A-levels and HND (living at home still) while holding down several crap jobs (caravan cleaning, shop work, call center etc). I left aged 20, and felt more than capable of coping by myself.

She will never learn to be independent if you don't show her how to.

ouryve Fri 08-Feb-13 12:37:38

Newpatches - I have HMS, too. I'm in my 40s now and it's really beginning to cause me difficulties, but the kids still need to be fed and got to school and the house still needs to be kept habitable and the laundry still needs doing and putting away. If she's well enough to shop and party with her friends, she's well enough to pull her weight.

CheeseandPickledOnion Fri 08-Feb-13 12:38:46

Rod. Own. Back.

You should have addressed this self entitled, disgusting behaviour years ago. Why on earth you've allowed it to continue is beyond me.

My Mum was a single parent of 3 and I had to work from age 13 for my own money.

No more money.
If she wants money, she can get a job.
Remove all expensive items from her room that YOU own. She needs to earn her own stuff.
Refuse to cook a seperate meal. Time she learns to cook.
If she wants to stay in the house without paying rent (and the only reason I don't think she should be is that she is still in education) then she must contribute with set chores. Clean the bathroom etc.

Grow a large set of brass MN balls and sort her out.

NewPatchesForOld Fri 08-Feb-13 12:39:35

Sorry, x posted as was on the phone, actually it was bf with another phone number of a tea room looking for staff.

I know it's largely my fault, so I don't take offence at anyone saying that.

bedmonster I am not quite as bad as that! The 2 older DC both have washing baskets in their rooms, it is up to them to sort it, bring it down and put int in the washing machine...I certainly don't go looking for it. having said that I only implemented that a week or so ago and no washing has come down from either of them yet!
I don't iron for either of them as I was sending piles of ironed clothes to their room and finding it dropped on the floor days later.

ZZ when if she goes to uni she will be living with her dad so again will not need to be self sufficient. But she can actually cook anyway.

She did beauty therapy, so she could work in a salon at weekends but doesn't want to. She hates children so won't babysit. She even tries to charge me for looking after DD2 on the odd occasion I go out.

Battery's about to go on laptop but keep posting and I'll go and plug it in.

NewPatchesForOld Fri 08-Feb-13 12:45:12

Again I know...but have I left it too late to change? A large part of it is that I felt terribly guilty for our pasts...me and their father divorced (he was cheating) and when I remarried it was to an abusive horrible violent man. So I have always felt like I had to make it up to them; we lived in a refuge for a while, lost all our material possessions etc.

The cleaning spree thing - the other 2 dc had to spend most of their time sorting their rooms out, but as DD1's room is always tidy she felt she didn't need to do anything. but when I told her to hoover her room (she has the dog in there and he moults a lot) she just kept saying she'd do it later.

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