to think DD is too old for pocket money?

(166 Posts)
NewPatchesForOld Fri 08-Feb-13 11:14:28

DD1 is now 18. She is at college doing A levels having wasted a year doing a college course which she had no interest in and which, although now qualified, will never use. All her friends either work full time or have part time jobs in McDs, or local shops, or pubs etc...but DD1 just won't work. She says that she has tried to get a job but can't...that there are none around. However I often see jobs advertised in town and come home and tell her but she never applies for them. The local co op advertises loads of jobs but she doesn't want to work locally...McDs is 'beneath her', she won't ask in the pub up the road because 'they deal drugs', she won't take a job in the industry for which she is qualified bcause she hates the work, in short she just won't get off her arse and work.

Now she has asked if I will give her 'pocket money'. When I said I couldn't afford it she got really irate, she needs money, it's not her fault she can't get a job, as she can't get a job it's mine to fund her life...I have just finished paying out hundreds for her driving lessons resulting in me not having any spare money at all for myself or treats for the other Dcs, I'm a single mum and live literally hand to mouth some weeks.

She wants the money so she can go out drinking (I can't afford to do this myself), and get tattoos...she already has 2.

I was working from the age of 14, and frankly I think she should be embarrassed to be asking for pocket money at her age.

But AIBU?

fromparistoberlin Fri 08-Feb-13 11:36:21

yanbu

she needs to GET A JOB

she will get it, eventually!

and cruel to be kind I agree

tass1960 Fri 08-Feb-13 11:36:45

If she's at college is she not entitled to a bursary/student loan ?

Thumbwitch Fri 08-Feb-13 11:39:13

YY, stop buying her luxuries! My mum stopped buying my clothes, pretty much, when I was 15 and getting my own money from my Saturday job. She still bought me basics, like underwear - but everything else I bought myself (and wouldn't have let her buy for me anyway, not without my input at least!)

I'm actually quite surprised your DD has so little shame that she is prepared to almost literally steal food out of the mouths of you and your other 2 DC because she is too lazy to get a job! shock

CartedOff Fri 08-Feb-13 11:39:50

It really does sound like she needs to learn things the hard way. I can really appreciate why you drove her into town to find jobs and encourage her to go to college: it's so hard watching your own child doing badly because of the choices they make. It's shit. But I would back off and let her make her own mistakes, because right now it seems like the encouragement you give her just lends her more fuel to come up with excuses and take on the role of a child. Whenever you tell her to apply for jobs and she says there isn't any work she's just enforcing what she's convinced herself: that it's ever so hard and she won't do it. The help and support you've offered her isn't making any difference to her rotten attitude: 56% attendance for A-levels and applying for one job at Christmas. Let her stuff things up if she wants to, she'll find out sooner or later what the reality is if you don't put any work into life.

HecateWhoopass Fri 08-Feb-13 11:40:21

Stop buying make up. And only buy clothes as required to replace an item that has worn out!

She's taking the piss and will continue to do so for as long as she can get away with it.

She will get a job when she suffers more for not having one.

So no more make up. No fancy shampoo or conditioner or anything like that. Just basic requirements for good personal hygiene.

She needs to understand that no honest work is beneath anyone and she needs a dose of reality and / or your foot up her arse. Frankly.

NewPatchesForOld Fri 08-Feb-13 11:40:22

carted off I only buy her make up as far as foundation and powder goes...she has always been self conscious about her skin (teenage acne) and although that has cleared up now she still feels bad being without it. However, other make up, no. She also has far more clothes than I do, so it's rare that I buy her any.

littlewhitebag yes...she's fed, housed, kept warm etc, I buy her the essentials in make up and clothes (underwear etc).

The DCs only have one compulsory job around the house (apart from having to pick up after themselves obviously) and that is to wash up, dry up and put away...they alternate between the 2 older ones, and the youngest has to clear the table every night. Other that that, I will pay them to do jobs for me but it is always DS and DD2 who do the jobs. DS will hoover the stairs, do the bins, go to the shop etc, and DD2 will polish etc...they like earning money although more often than not DS will refuse the money anyway.
DD1, however, will not do anything, complains when asked to do something. She will wash up random cups etc during the day, and then says she does more than anyone else in the house.

I live in a rented house, and the other day we were due an inspection. I and the other 2 DC spent all day cleaning bedrooms, hoovering, dusting, and generalloy making the house look nice but DD1 sat in her pyjamas ALL day on the settee watching tv!

HecateWhoopass Fri 08-Feb-13 11:41:57

it's still a luxury and perhaps you telling her that you won't buy it any more may be the motivation she needs to get herself a job.

Thumbwitch Fri 08-Feb-13 11:44:33

I'm going to be a bit harsh here:
"I and the other 2 DC spent all day cleaning bedrooms, hoovering, dusting, and generalloy making the house look nice but DD1 sat in her pyjamas ALL day on the settee watching tv!"

WTAF were you thinking, allowing her to do that?? I'd have had the plug off the tv to prevent her! I know she's 18 and so on but seriously? You need to take a bit of a stand here, I think.

cantspel Fri 08-Feb-13 11:44:55

She needs to start acting her age and not like a spoilt child.

Stop buying anything for her, no clothes, make up or toiletries and she will soon learn if she wants them they need paying for so she needs a job even if it is in a crappy shop.

No doubt you do her washing and cook her meals so i would stop doing those jobs as well. She is a young adult and so should be acting like one.

Remotecontrolduck Fri 08-Feb-13 11:45:13

I supported mine until they finished A Levels, after that they needed to get a job (though I would help out with uni costs etc). They were always grateful and never money grasping, and we do live in an area where jobs are scarce (no real shops except charity shops!)

Nothing wrong with offering support while in education, but your DD sounds like an entitled madame and needs to get a job. Don't buy her anything and tell her to get some damn respect!!!

NewPatchesForOld Fri 08-Feb-13 11:46:10

Hecate I've done that and she refused to leave the house!!! This was when she was at school and she wouldn't go in unless she had make up on! However, she gets Natural Collection at 1.99.
I don't buy luxury brands anyway, as I can't afford them so it's whatever is on special offer at the time.
She is also a vegetarian so I have to buy her quorn everything and make separate versions of dinner for her. It's not that I mind doing that per se but it's the fact that, as so many have said, she is so 'entitled'.

NewPatchesForOld Fri 08-Feb-13 11:51:05

Thumbwitch be as harsh as you like, I think it's what I need! Had I unplugged the tv she would have just gone to her room and watched it there on her own tv.

I've told her that McDs are known to be excellent employers but she doesn't want to know. Similarly the card shop wasn't crappy, it was a normal town centre card shop. Even my bf gives her details of jobs, phone numbers etc but to no avail.

I am going to have to back off completely from trying to help her, and stick to my guns about money.

charlearose Fri 08-Feb-13 11:51:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes Fri 08-Feb-13 11:53:40

my ds1 was at college and he only got money when he did jobs. we had a system of what was expected for him and ds2 like keeping rooms clean, washing up etc then paid chores like washing floors, washing cars, doing windows, sweeping outside, washing kitchen units etc when he wanted money he would turn into a hive of activity grin he's still at college and works as a window cleaner on the days he has no lessons.

charlearose Fri 08-Feb-13 11:54:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thumbwitch Fri 08-Feb-13 11:54:26

I'd have the tv out of her room as well, tbh. Say if she wants money and isn't prepared to work for it then her stuff will need to be sold to fund her lifestyle, such as it is (sponger).

You know, I'd watch it - she might be one of those who keeps trying different educational routes because the previous one "didn't work out", so she avoids getting a job for as long as is humanly possible. Make sure you don't facilitate this!

YouOldSlag Fri 08-Feb-13 11:55:55

OP- why isn't she cooking her own meals? She is 18. No need to do that for her any more. She can eat other stuff that doesn't have Quorn in or the rest of you can eat Quorn too. It's expensive cooking separately and making her all the food she requests.

If she wants food- tell her it's in the in kitchen
If she wants money- tell her it has to be earned
If she wants make up- tell her she'll have to buy it.
If she wants to live at home like a non paying hotel guest- tell she will have to clean.

She's pushing you around. YOU be the boss. YOU have the power!

MammaTJ Fri 08-Feb-13 11:56:57

My DD is 18 in a few weeks and has not had pocket money since she was old enough to get a job. She has worked in the same shop since she was 13. First she was just filling shelves, then she got trained to use the till. Now she holds a set of keys and opens and closes and is often in sole charge of the shop. <proud mum emoticon>

She knows that if you want something in life, you have to work for it. A lesson your DD has yet to learn.

YANBU!!

NewPatchesForOld Fri 08-Feb-13 11:58:19

She even has her phone paid for as her father pays for her contract, so she really has the life of Riley. I so admire any child/young adult who works while at school or college...I did it, right from 14. Paper rounds, supermarket checkout, shelf stacking night shift, bars, clubs, ironing, cleaning...

Remote there are so many jobs here, we live within a bus ride of several towns, one major and several smaller ones so she doesn't have that excuse.

havingastress Fri 08-Feb-13 11:58:24

YANBU. She's 18. Not 8.

Make her get off her ass and earn some cash! She'll become less fussy once she realises that's the only way to get the money she needs.

My mum stopped buying me things at 16. I did babysitting until I was 17, then it was glass collecting, then bar work, then shop work.

She sounds a little bit spoilt. Put your foot down!

HecateWhoopass Fri 08-Feb-13 11:58:54

ok. then she refuses to leave the house.

She loses her place at college and has no social life.

It depends how far you are willing to go to give her this VERY important lesson.

Screw up in the short term, serious shit for her to sort out right now, held back, suffering, has to restart but LEARNS and changes what needs to be changed.

Or

28 years old and mooching off you, getting pissed in clubs every weekend and acting like the world owes her a living.

It really does depend how much you are willing to allow her to risk in order to develop her as an adult.

Realistically, how long will she go without leaving the house? No make up = no social life. She may be happy to not go to college, but will she be happy to not see her mates?

And if you give her fair warning when she's still got it, then she's got time to sort it out without even running out. It all depends on whether she believes that you mean it...

She needs the biggest of all possible shocks. Hard as it is because as her mum, you want to protect her and certainly from anything as bad as having to start her a levels again.

But sometimes you have to look at the very long term and the adult you are hoping to release into the wild wink

Trills Fri 08-Feb-13 11:59:05

Living at home in pre-university fulltime education I would give some pocket money, if I could afford it.

If you can't afford it then it doesn't matter whether you think it's right or not, you can't afford it.

Good grief.
She needs to buck her ideas up.
I'm mid 40's and having to work full time and have a part time pub job.
I worked from age 13 and contributed to my mums household from age 16 when I started work full time!
She needs to start getting some independence. She needs to do her own washing and her own cooking.
She needs to help around the house and not for money but because she is NOT contributing with money so she needs to by helping out.
You really do need to take a stand now. She only goes to college half the time. What is she doing the other half of the time?
Times are hard for everyone and there are jobs out there but she has to understand that the majority of the population do jobs because they need to earn money and not because it's their 'dream' job. Very few of us have one of those!!!!
Stop putting up with it and stop enabling her!

havingastress Fri 08-Feb-13 12:00:59

(OP, you sound like a lovely person btw but with 18 yr old girls you can definitely be too nice!!!!)

Remotecontrolduck Fri 08-Feb-13 12:01:54

It doesn't sound like your DD has any excuse at all. If my kids had become so rude, the money would have been cut immediately, and they would have HAD to get one regardless of travelling time.

You need to put your foot down now, it's hard but she'll just carry on like this forever if you don't do something!

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