ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.
EVIL MILs - WHY DID YOU MARRY SOMEONE WHEN YOU DON'T LIKE THEIR MUM??(207 Posts)
What did you think would happen?
Oh OP - well I saw a few signs but ignored them as I wasn't of their culture. Did that entire well I'm a multicultural person from UK so can deal with anything. Oh wrong. Plus didn't speak their lingo very well. But now, she affects our relationship every day of our life even though we don't live in her country. I blame dh more than her, though. He has choices, he's made his.
DP and I have huge extended families and we all live quite close to each other. We see FIL, SMIL, SGIL, SIL and BIL for Friday tea, and my mum (and sometimes my brother/brother's current GF) for Sunday tea.
We don't see it as being in each other's pockets, it's a regular time for DD to see her family, and for each of us to catch up with our parents.
Suppose it helps SIL and I were close before DP and I started dating.
My MIL is a "raving fringe lunatic," convinced she is chosen by the Lord to be an avenging angel. Every time we see her we're lectured on our sins, and how we will be going to HEEELLLLLL and that we must get DD baptised at ONCE because maybe (just maybe) she won't be condemned then.
She does love DP and DD though- adores them. She's just insane and has no sense of personal space and often smells like mothballs.
Crikey, I don't think I like anyone enough to see them that much, just thinking about it has made me come over all hot and itchy
I see my parents every day, and speak to them atleast once a day too on the phone. They live around the corner, we get on very well (at last) and I help out caring for them as they both have health issue. Luckily they adore H and he loves them too!
If I had known then what I know now, I wouldn't have married my DH because of his parents and the way they have treated me.
But we married very quickly, after just seven months of knowing each other, and I thought at the time we would be able to get along most of the time once we got to know each other. I didn't know MIL very well but I believed that as we got to know each other, the odd things she said and did might settle down and we could have a good relationship as we do have a lot of interests in common and we could have been friends.
They never did get better, instead they got worse. To the point now that I don't see them anymore and DH rarely does, through his own choice, I haven't stopped him.
MIL is a bitter and unhappy woman, but she can put forward a good face and if you met her, you might like her. But is is unable to sustain a proper grown up friendship because of her behaviour.
I've always gotten along with boyfriends parents in the past, so it came as a shock to me to realise that nothing I did with MIL would or could change her behaviour (and I have a very long, unanimous AIBU thread somewhere telling me IANBU in cutting contact with her following a detailed description of just some of the things she has done and said.)
We had been married for over six years before she really showed just how awful she could be, married for eight years when DH told her she had to stop upsetting me with nasty comments, and ten years when I finally said enough is enough and cut contact altogether. We are coming up on twelve years of marriage now and these past two have been so much better for not having MIL hanging over us dripping poison into our lives.
It was hard at first as DH felt guilty but even he has admitted now that his parents controlled and manipulated him all his life and have never been happy or normal people. And he says he never could see or speak to them after he left home without coming away feeling depressed and unhappy.
I do love DH but I really do believe that if someone had told me the future on my wedding day, I would have turned and run while I still could.
The poor relationship I have with them is not something I wanted or something I am happy about, but they virtually stalked me and drove me to a breakdown that made me ill for months. I haven't chosen this situation, they have made it happen with the way they behaved. It would have happened no matter who DH married and they have been exactly the same to their other sons wife too. They've now emigrated and SIL says their behaviour was a big deciding factor to do so for her.
I've got quite a large extended family - lots of cousins, and we all used to camp together as kids in the summer holiday when different countries' holidays coincided. And we're not close, but we all get on like a house on fire, probably because we've been brought up too make allowances for differences. It's a fantastic craic at weddings and even funerals - it just is.
Compare with dh's family, who used too be geographically close. They all walk on eggshells and seethe with resentment at each other, all unhappily pretending to be close, while working through the latest lies that mil has told them about each other.
The mil that told me after I'd known her a year that her mother had told her to have her dd1 adopted because she was a devil child. The same mother that apparently sexually abused her as a child, bit when I greeted the mother with politeness got told off for not being warm enough.
You're right. I should have run for the hills. [regret]
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