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WIBU to have told DH to go f*** himself

(370 Posts)
catgirl1976 Mon 28-Jan-13 20:14:43

Background:

I work FT in a really demanding job. We have a 14mo DS. DH doesn't work, lost him job 2.5 years ago . Had a break, then I got pg and we decided it would be nice for him to be at home with the baby whilst I was on Mat Leave. Although I was back at work pt when DS was 1 month old and full time when he was 5 months old. He's looking for work now (but not very hard). I do all the cleaning, cooking, shopping, laundry, bill paying etc.

DH picked me up from work tonight and then we picked DS up from DMs who has him on Monday. Tues and Thurs he's at nursery, Wed I work from home and Fridays DH has sole care of him. I get up with him every morning, except Sundays , when I get a lie in.

At DMs it was clear DS was tired and hungry. There is no food in the house and DH hasn't cooked anything (never does). I'm knackered so say "We'll get fish and chips on the way home." Quick, cheap and DS likes them.

DH pulls a face and says "We had chips last night"

Which to be fair is true(oven chips and we normally eat pretty well, it's just how it's fallen) but I cba shelpping round the supermarket, then cooking etc. DH then goes "But OK then we will"

DH parks near fish and chip shop. I go out in howling gale, get Fish and Chips. We need to stop at local shop for some cat food etc. Again, it's me that gets out, runs rounds shop, pick up I box cat food, 1 bottle diet coke, get back in car.

DH turns to me and says "What happened? Was there a massive queue?" (With massive, arsey edge to voice)

I say "No. No queue. Why?"

DH: "Well you were gone about 15 minutes"

Me: hmm "No, I wasn't. I was about 5 minutes."

DH: (really arsey) "They played two songs on the radio"

Like I was having a lovely browse in co-op hmm

Me: "Oh fuck off DH"

Get home. DH grabs his food, goes and eats in living room. I feed DS, play with him, bath him, change him, give him his bottle, story and put him to bed. DH played computer games. Which is what he has done all day. He has tidied the kitchen and taken the re-cycling out, but left washing up in the sink and the rest of the house is a bombsite. I've had a hard, shit, long day at work and the period from hell.

WIBU to have told him to fuck off? Would I be further unreasonable to tell him to fuck off some more?

Sorry that was long. I needed to rant. I feel better now.

justmyview Wed 06-Feb-13 13:28:11

Hey catgirl, how are things going now? Hope it's still moving in the right direction

gimmecakeandcandy Wed 30-Jan-13 23:06:12

smile x

AnyFucker Wed 30-Jan-13 23:04:04

Cat, if required, you and ds go to a nice MN'ers house to be pampered.

And send him to mine < evil > grin

deleted203 Wed 30-Jan-13 23:01:07

You can come to me, catgirl. We've got a spare room. And 5 DCs aged 7 - 20, so another child or two (or extra adult) never matters.

We've got a lovely spare room catgirl grin

You're not gonna need it though gringrin

catgirl1976 Wed 30-Jan-13 22:42:04

If it starts going tits again, I may be on here asking if anyone fancies an overly optimistic, fading wino and an adorable little, urchin faced sprite as lodgers smile

Oh wow, so glad to come back and see the positive updates. Really sounds good -- best of luck going forward! We're here if you need us smile

AnyFucker Wed 30-Jan-13 22:13:51

Do it for yourself, and your ds... not for us smile

TheDoctrineOfSciAndNatureClub Wed 30-Jan-13 21:34:45

Yy linerunner - we are all still here if you need us again, catgirl;

LineRunner Wed 30-Jan-13 21:32:08

You be careful out there, catgirl. smile

Oh and just to say - if it does all start going tits up again, please don't be reluctant to come back and start a new thread, or whatever. OK?

catgirl1976 Wed 30-Jan-13 21:28:00

And BigFatSpider I'm so sorry about your separation and I hope you are much happier in the future as you clearly deserve to be

catgirl1976 Wed 30-Jan-13 21:27:19

Just wanted to thank everyone again for all the support and the I'm going to let the thread fade away

AF - we certainly have smile That you ignore that to give me support, despite that makes it clear to me what a bloody amazing person you are.

You all are. Your family and friends are incredibly lucky to have people like you in their lives. LineRunner, Cheerful Yank, MMe Lindor, Rhonda, Gimmecake, Spicy Pear, Dreaming, Noel, Hearts, LadyB, Handbag and all the other wonderful people on here - thank you x

Today was a good day too

I won't let you all down

justmyview Wed 30-Jan-13 08:22:19

Stay strong catgirl - if you agree that he will do something, then you really, really need to stay strong and don't fall into the trap of "oh well I'll just do it this once." It's a slippery slope. Don't pick up those dishes.

I do remember hearing that if you say "You need to do ....... or I'm leaving" is unhelpful, because the other person feels that you're bullying them & they feel resentful

On the other hand, if you say "I don't feel happy in this relationship. I don't know if I want to continue like this. I think I should let you know I'm thinking of leaving" is meant to be better, because you put the responsibility on the other person to decide if they want to make the changes in order to keep you

I know you don't want to end the marriage, but this might help you to think how you phrase things in your discussions

One huge issue for me would be to establish whether problems have arisen due to laziness or depression. If he had a physical illness, people wouldn't say "you need to tell him to buck up". They would be more tolerant. If it's truly down to depression / mental health, then that's totally different from laziness / taking the p..s

MmeLindor Wed 30-Jan-13 00:18:25

I am glad that things are moving in the right direction, and hope that he will step properly up to the plate, not just for a week or two but permanently.

Good luck

CheerfulYank Tue 29-Jan-13 23:12:29

To do lists and routines helped massively for me, as well as a good hard sobering look at how much time I wax actually spending lazing around.

SpicyPear Tue 29-Jan-13 23:12:23

Hope you've had a great sleep. It's a step in the right direction, but only a step. This should be the very least he does, stage one if you like in being the husband and father he should be. You owe it to yourself and son not to accept another slide back into drinking and gaming.

I think counselling would really be helpful, to look at why you feel you should take all this upon yourself and get some boundaries in place. Everyone has a breaking point. You are strong but can only go on so long. Take care of yourself, your son needs you to.

gimmecakeandcandy Tue 29-Jan-13 23:02:54

Glad to see your positive update, stay strong and show him things must change. You mustn't do it all alone!

We haven't always seen eye to eye on threads but I wish you the best x

Catgirl, I've stayed up past my bedtime grin to catch up on this thread.

So much of your situation resonates with me - strangely, DH and I have both taken turns being the depressed lazy SAHP at different stages, and it takes a huge effort to change the toxic patterns. If you apply even a small % of the effort you put in to just keeping your family ticking along every day, every little bit will help to chip away the old attitudes.

It is do-able. It is bloody hard. But in our case, so so so worth it. We each have our fun-loving, energetic, ambitious, hard-working and hard-playing best friend back, the way we were when we first met to be honest. We had some other issues to tackle as well, but the one thing that strikes me is how easy it is for someone to be depressed and really not realise it.

Very best wishes to you and your family to work through it all.

Catgirl I want my wine at yours too. Sounds fun.

A couple of things I wanted to add... Firstly, I was that "I'm fine, fantastic" manic grin type during my first marriage. The only friend I confided in IRL when the marriage was going south said that it was a fucking relief as he had become sick and tired of always offloading on me and me pretending to be perfect. Trust your friends and family to step up when you need them to.

Secondly, he has agreed to the bare minimum; 'only' drinking three nights a week; taking his child two days a week; doing one thing out of the house. What this means it that it should be easily sustainable and improvable on. If it slides, even an inch, you need to not accept it.

He needs this as much as you, if not more. Imagine yourself like one of those feeders. He has the eating disorder but you are enabling him. Stop giving him room to make himself more ill. If he has no time and too much responsibility to drink and game all the time, he may not. If he still does, well he has made his decision about you and DS.

Good luck and thanks

Leedscatgirl Tue 29-Jan-13 22:22:02

My hubby stays at home while work and he does all the housework apart from the ironing which I do
He cooks through the week and I cook weekends
Seriously your dh is taking the piss

NoelHeadbands Tue 29-Jan-13 22:18:32

Catgirl that's a positive start. Hope you're feeling better and can get some rest tonight.

BigFatSpider sorry to hear about your separation- but fwiw you sound really strong and sure about it. All the best

TheCrackFox Tue 29-Jan-13 22:14:14

Catgirl, I just wanted to wish you all the best. X

CheerfulYank Tue 29-Jan-13 22:06:47

I'm still at home during the day but I have to be up and dressed to drop DS at preschool, and then I'm very strict with myself about what has to be done by what time.

I also work evenings now (just 15-20 hrs a week) so I have to get my to-do list accomplished by the time I go to work.

We are much happier now. smile

LaQueen Tue 29-Jan-13 21:48:18

Ah yes, I can identify with that CY.

After having the DDs I tried being a SAHM, twice, for 8 months each time.

Both times were a disaster. Too many mornings when I still wasn't showered and dressed by late morning. All too easy to postpone tackling the ironing until tomorrow.

Because my days were all open-ended, and my week was just the same as my weekend, it was too easy to just drift and achieve very little. Which left me feeling flat and deflated, so I felt even less likely to do stuff. Plus, the residual PND didn't help hmm

Once I went back to work part time, I achieved far, far more because I had to. My days had a specific focus, I had dead lines to meet, and I was more energised.

CheerfulYank Tue 29-Jan-13 21:38:08

I am totally blush to admit this, but a few years ago I was a lot like your DH.

I worked part time at a school (was home at noon every day) and was off June-September. I certainly fed and played with DS, but while he was napping or at an activity or watching TV or just playing I often did sweet FA.

I always did the laundry but rarely put it away, washed up when it got to dire proportions, and cleaned if we were having visitors. I did cook dinner most days but not always.

I just kind of got into a rut of just lazing around. DH tried to tell me he was unhappy but I would get angry and think it was just him wanting a "little woman" at home to do everything.

But he was right to be angry, and I was being a lazy bastard. I didn't play computer games but I spent oodles of time on Facebook and mumsnet.

I finally got it and am much better now. I was depressed but didn't know it. I feel much better now. smile So change is possible but he has to see he is in the wrong and truly want to do better.

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