to think that having 8 DC by 3 different fathers may well have a detrimental impact on the DCs?

(380 Posts)
StuckForAUserName Thu 24-Jan-13 20:08:19

Especially as the first two fathers are not in the picture anymore so the 3rd husband is bringing up someone else's 6 DC and then a further 2 have been added to the household hmm.

The mother is effectively a single parent anyway as the latest DH is away a lot in the military. The oldest 3 are in boarding school though so there is only 5 DC full time at home. This is a middle class family btw not a family of 'benefit scroungers'. The mother states that 'her kids have a decent dad and will all be fine'. AIBU in thinking that it's terrible?

Fairylea Thu 24-Jan-13 20:35:26

I think you are missing the point a little ... everyone enters into a relationship believing it is the one, life long etc. So when she already had the first lot of children, she fell in love, thought that was "it" and had more... she obviously didn't anticipate the same thing happening again. Or again.

Or are single parents supposed to give up once they've had their one shot at it??

80sMum Thu 24-Jan-13 20:38:24

YANB at all U to think that OP. I think it highly probable, sadly.

DumSpiroSpero Thu 24-Jan-13 20:41:54

You've obviously had a very bad experience with your own step father, so I can see why this situation has touched a nerve but surely you must be able to see it is you that has the issue here, not your aunt.

I'm a bit shocked that you would be so unsupportive to be bad mouthing your own family member on the internet over her life choices & family set up tbh. Within my extended family there are all sorts of nuclear family situations, beliefs & odd characters. We're not close as we're spread out all over the country but I wouldn't dream of slating them on a public forum (or judging them privately tbh). For that alone I would say YABU, not to mention disloyal and bloody rude.

CaptChaos Thu 24-Jan-13 20:41:56

YABU

My DH is not my DS's biological father, he is his actual father however, given that he is there for him, provides for him, does 'dad' things with him. I'm sorry you didn't like your SF, maybe some help with that might be in order if you are going to project your difficulties onto happy families.

Military families are effectively single parent ones are they? I think I notice a difference, it's the large chap, wears MTP a lot, makes us all very happy.

Get over yourself.

sweetkitty Thu 24-Jan-13 20:43:10

I think your anger should be focused on the two useless men who fathered children then walked away from them. I just don't understand how any decent man can do this?

DialsMavis Thu 24-Jan-13 20:43:53

Is the number of children or the number of fathers that has hoiked those judge pants so far up your pious backside?

I have 2 DC with 2 Dads, If DP and I split up (unlikely, I hope) and I met someone else and wanted another then I would have 3 by 3 different men

PassMeTheWino Thu 24-Jan-13 20:46:07

I knew a very lovely woman who had seven children by 7 different men, I kid you not.

I just didnt understand it, she seemed like such a sane, well adjusted, lovely person. Clearly with terrible judgement though.

I feel it was a saving grace in some ways that all the fathers were shit apart from the last one who she married, and is a fab father to all of them.

I hope they're still married anyway, Ive not spoken to her in years.

McNewPants2013 Thu 24-Jan-13 20:55:38

So single mothers should be sterilised because how date they have more children when they are in a new relationship

LynetteScavo Thu 24-Jan-13 21:02:37

YABU. I have a friend in a similar situation and she does an amazing job of raising her DC. We are all in awe. Especially as she grows all her own organic veg, and had makes the most amazing costumes for world book day. It certainly doesn't seem to have had a detrimental impact on her DC.

And her house is fabulously furnished in they style of Kirsty Allsop.

The father of her eldest DC is not around as he is/was in prison

HappyMummyOfOne Thu 24-Jan-13 21:03:29

Having witnessed several step parents treat their own biological children differently to the others i dont think YABU as you state thats whats happening here.

The choices people make as an adult are theres to make but they have a huge amount of responsibility to their existing children.

I wonder how many half brothers/sisters believe they were treated equally or whether they felt second best.

wow you sound lovely , pull your knickers from up your backside and carry on with your own life and let her do the same

fuckadoodlepoopoo Thu 24-Jan-13 21:10:22

Wow that's a lot of kids! Im just amazed that she can manage that many! I think i quite admire her!

The only worrying thing you have said is the favoritism. Its great that her most recent partner is happy to bring up the other children but they MUST be treated equally or it will be disastrous for them. I really hope you are wrong about that sad

MammaTJ Thu 24-Jan-13 20:20:52 I can top that with 5 DC, 5 different fathers, but as long as the DC are loved and cared for, it doesn't matter.

Do you mean that you have that situation or a friend of yours?

Fakebook Thu 24-Jan-13 21:10:40

I'm a bit shocked that you would be so unsupportive to be bad mouthing your own family member on the internet over her life choices & family set up tbh.

Really? Have you ever taken a tally on how many AIBU threads are about family members? It's the norm here, nothing to be shocked about really.

DumSpiroSpero Thu 24-Jan-13 21:13:43

Well Fakebook, I see what you mean, but I think there's a different between 'x family member has done y to piss me off' and casting massive aspertions on their most significant life choices & family set up.

BumpingFuglies Thu 24-Jan-13 21:14:32

Actually, OP, unless you have a particular interest, keep your nose out. Really. You have no idea about the circumstances.

BlackMaryJanes Thu 24-Jan-13 21:15:51

YANBU.

I can't understand women who have children to three or more men. It comes across as fickle and making light of reproduction. Sorry but it does.

BumpingFuglies Thu 24-Jan-13 21:18:38

BlackMary I very much doubt that a woman has 3 children by 3 different men because she is "fickle" or "making light of reproduction".

BlackMaryJanes Thu 24-Jan-13 21:20:51

BumpingFuglies breeding without thinking, or breeding too soon, or just choosing arseholes. Take your pick. Either way it's not in the child's best interests.

McNewPants2013 Thu 24-Jan-13 21:25:32

Ffs.

So is a women is meant to have a crystal ball

Chubfuddler Thu 24-Jan-13 21:28:52

You could be describing my uncles mother. She had twelve children by three different fathers. Despite some of these events taking place in the 1940s she - shock horror - wasn't even married to the second man. They pretended to be.

She was a wonderful mother and everyone loved her.

DumSpiroSpero Thu 24-Jan-13 21:32:57

Or perhaps being in an abusive relationship & being lucky enough to get out and have a second chance with someone lovely. Or being widowed & fortunate enough to fall in love again.

My nan was widowed with 2 boys under three & another on the way halfway through WW2. They were evacuated to the NE where they lived in a commune, but when she returned to the East End after the war found she couldn't cope on her own & my dad and his brothers were taken into care. Several years later (my dad was 14 when his Dsis arrived) nan met someone else & had 2 more children (out of wedlock too shock).

I am bloody grateful to my 'feckless' nan because I truly believe that helping to raise his baby sister (having had little experience of growing up in a family setting himself) made my dad the fantastic father & grandpa he is to me & my DD.

Just because a family situation isn't conventional or 'ideal' doesn't necessarily mean it will be damaging.

McNewPants2013 Thu 24-Jan-13 21:38:56

Everything as a parent will have an effect on our children.

Sometimes positive sometimes negitive. All we can do is the best in the situation. As long are children are well cared for there should be no lasting damage.

My friend has never had any desire to meet her sperm doner, her mum has told her the truth about him and it was never a secret. I think her mum after all the hurt he put her through she saw pass it.

thekidsrule Thu 24-Jan-13 21:41:42

why are three dc's at boarding school op

FanFuckingTastic Thu 24-Jan-13 21:47:23

Totally just depends on the circumstances, nothing to do with numbers.

Two to two here and doing my best.

Sparklyboots Thu 24-Jan-13 22:00:10

I can't see why the fact the DC are 'only' halves would inherently damage the DC. I do think there is potential for 'damage' where a DC has beenio effectively abandoned by a parent as the first two fathers seem to have done, but then I was abandoned by my DF and can't really say that it's a massive handicap. Nothing about the situation necessitates damage but it does have to be handled with care by the adults involved.

I'm actually more interested in your reasons for getting so hot under the collar, OP? Even in the case that the relevant adults aren't doing a great job, it's hard to see how complaining about them on the internet is helping. If you are concerned about the DC's feelings of stability, focus on being a loving and stable adult in their lives, which would include showing unconditional, unjudgemental affection to their DM, or else you risk making them feel guilty about loving you when you are ambivalent to their DM. If you must complain about anyone, it's the men who abandoned the children, not the woman who continues to provide a loving family home for them in the best way she knows how.

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