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Friend wants dinner and housework before I can have newborn cuddles...

(264 Posts)
Sal77 Sun 20-Jan-13 11:40:30

My close friend has recently had a baby. I went round to see her after she'd got out of hospital with a lasagne I'd cooked for them for dinner. When I arrived I was given a piece of paper with a list of chores and told to choose one (I did some hoovering whilst she sat on the sofa with the baby, her DH was at the gym she said). It was a little awkward. Only after that could I have a look/cuddle of the baby.

Now, don't get me wrong, I understand having a newborn baby is hard work and I'm happy to help out (I also bought the bump Christmas presents, birthday presents and arranged the baby shower before baby was born). I didn't mind cooking her and her DH dinner, but I feel as though being asked to do housework on arrival was a bit rude given I'd already done dinner...

My friend did mention before the baby arrived about her idea to only allow guests over if they bring dinner and do chores but I didn't think she was that serious about it... And of course I don't mind helping out with babysitting and cooking dinners... But I did think it very rude to ask me to hoover too...

AIBU?

EarnestDullard Mon 04-Feb-13 15:43:07

Madness OP. I think it's accpetable for the mum of a newborn to ask a visitor to stick the kettle on, but to demand that they do actual housework is way OTT. Especially as you'd brought them a home-cooked meal.

Then again.. my house has been a tip for the 4 months since DD2 was born. Maybe I missed a trick grin

atthewelles Mon 04-Feb-13 16:40:31

I would be stunned if I called around to visit a friend and her new baby (with a pre-requested dinner) and was then handed the hoover. I would have no problem being asked to stick the kettle on, mind the baby for ten minutes so the new mum could nip out to the supermarket or make a phone call, run upstairs to fetch the changing bag and generally help out like that. I would also, if it was a close friend, probably offer to do some grocery shopping, hoover, wash the dishes or whatever. But being ordered to do housework (especially when her dp was at the gym; not at work, not out doing shopping; not in the kitchen making her a meal; but relaxing at the gym) is rude and self entitled.

trustissues75 Mon 04-Feb-13 16:45:18

I think your friend has less class than a Jersey Shore cast member...WTF?!

LightTheLampNotTheRat Mon 04-Feb-13 16:50:29

I'd have laughed and said "oh the house looks fine, don't worry about the hoovering - plenty of time to do that in a week or two". I don't think the idea of hoovering - anyone doing it - crossed my mind for WEEKS after my DCs were born. And rarely does now

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes Mon 04-Feb-13 18:16:24

Heh Heh... I think it is funny grin especially that people were so nonplussed that they actually did it without saying 'give over you daft mare, give us the baby'

maninawomansworld Thu 07-Feb-13 11:45:55

Let it go this time. If she tries it again just laugh it off in a jokey 'I'm not here to do your housework.. hahaha ' sort of way and then just don't bother going round any more.
When she asks why you've stopped visiting, just tell her straight without any hostility but in a matter or fact way.

VenusRising Thu 07-Feb-13 11:51:49

Brilliant! Especially if she had a tough delivery.
No doubt OP when you have kids you'll think she's brilliant too!

I wish I had thought of that, rather than waiting hand and foot on any visiting relatives and friends who plonked themselves down on their behinds and expected tea.

Scholes34 Thu 07-Feb-13 13:24:05

When I was a new mum, I loved people coming round for newborn cuddles whilst I was able to do some chores. I felt helpless pinned to the sofa with DD and was longing to do something "normal".

Actually, right now, dealing with teenagers, I'd love to go back to those times and be pinned to the sofa again.

OP - I think your friend was verging on rude and YANBU.

Andro Thu 07-Feb-13 13:45:54

My friend had been in hospital for 6 weeks before giving birth and had had nothing but hospital food in that time, when I found out she was being discharged and decided to cook for her. I got a bit overexcited and made so much it took my friend and her DH nearly 2 weeks to eat everything blush fortunately she knows what I can be like when I start cooking!

Far from asking for chores etc in return for cuddles, she took one look at what I had brought and handed me the baby (I was terrified, despite having twin brothers 12 years my junior I had never held a baby) while she tucked in to the first decent meal she'd had in weeks (her words). She spent the next 10 minutes trying to apologise for her lack of manners...unnecessary to say the least under the circumstances.

Your friend was unreasonable, but a long friendship should be strong enough to deal with a one off incident of her not thinking clearly.

mummytime Thu 07-Feb-13 13:51:49

Is she often like this? Does she take instructions literally?

lovetomoan Thu 07-Feb-13 13:52:05

Not everyone can hoover after giving birth, at the same time YANBU, you already gave her dinner.

As many others have pointed out, I bet she is a mumsnetter and took the advice literally.

dampsponge Thu 07-Feb-13 14:04:47

I'm due my second in a few weeks. Had an awful time with my first dealing with unannounced visitors and cheeky fuckers who assume bringing a present made it ok to turn up at 9am.

Anyone who turns up this time will be handed a mop and told to get cracking.

detoxlatte Thu 07-Feb-13 14:29:48

This is so ridiculous it's funny. In a sad way.

It's the really frightening result of a combination of (a) totally entitled culture (b) current craze in populist culture for all things pregnancy/new mother related (c) ignorance.

As though the woman was thinking that just because she has had a baby, she can have help around the house.

When actually she should have thought about what housework actually needs to be done that week/fortnight (prob not a lot, esp if she had prepared herself before hand), and politely sought help from the correct quarter (DP) with what absoluyely couldn't be avoided.

The important bit is the baby, and her friendships, not being waited on herself!

It's so utterly depressing.

drjohnsonscat Thu 07-Feb-13 14:32:42

I'd rather hoover than cuddle someone elses newborn

Hilarious. Although I hate hoovering so I'd have offered to thoughtfully take home the lasagne and eat it there to avoid leaving any mess for her to clean up.

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