To not want to have any more sex with my DP because of his beer belly?

(143 Posts)
nevermindthebuzzcocks Fri 11-Jan-13 17:49:43

Basically, it's his choice if he wants to drink beer and have a big belly because of it. I still love him and he is still my best friend. I love him, unconditionally however, I cannot fancy him unconditionally.

Would it be too mean to say no more sex until we can do it the way I want to instead of having to take his belly into account all the time?

Please don't just use this as an excuse to be really rude about him and make jokes about him - I do still love him very much, I just don't enjoy sex now his belly is big. sad

mentallyscrewed Fri 11-Jan-13 17:51:06

Know exactly where you are coming from! Yanbu

MrsKeithRichards Fri 11-Jan-13 17:51:36

I'd hate for my dh to say the same about me.

HecatePropolos Fri 11-Jan-13 17:52:46

Have you told him how you feel? And that you are worried for his health? What does he say?

Do you look exactly the way you did when you met? Will you expect a roll in the hay when you are old, grey pubed and wrinkly?

malteserzz Fri 11-Jan-13 17:53:32

Are you perfect then ?

akaemmafrost Fri 11-Jan-13 17:54:42

"I've put on weight over the years, bigger than I used to be, mainly gone on my stomach. DH says he won't have sex with me till I lose weight sad."

See what I am saying OP?

SashaSashays Fri 11-Jan-13 17:55:22

I don't think its beer belly specific. Its that should you have sex with your DP if you don't fancy him.

Obviously not, you shouldn't have sex with anyone you don't want to.

However I would say, as a woman who (like most of my friends) has regularly ballooned through pregnancies and then taken some time to loose the weight and is certainly not the same weight or state as when we met, I'd feel devastated if my DH said that about me.

You not fancying him and not wanting to have sex with him is imho a massive deal. Does he know how you feel about this?

diaimchlo Fri 11-Jan-13 17:56:58

Since when did his belly have anything to do with sex????????

Surely sex is an act of love not vanity?????

YABVU!!!!!!!!!

strumpetpumpkin Fri 11-Jan-13 17:57:11

I cant stop drinking beer every night and am now clinically obese. My husband does not appear as attracted to me as he did..

I dont think people would be telling her hes a cunt for that either

MovingOnNow Fri 11-Jan-13 17:57:47

She has a valid point. She didn't say she didn't love him, she said she finds it difficult to have sex with him. I knew a friend in a similar position. She manned up and broke it to him gently. He lost 2 stone. Ageing is inevitable. Being unhealthy or unhygienic is easily sortable.

betterwhenthesunshines Fri 11-Jan-13 17:57:52

I don't think it's about being perfect, or staying the same. It's about a general respect for your own body and your partner's feelings. If I put on a lot of weight (through choice) then I wouldn't expect my DH would still fancy me. But I wouldn't expect him to REFUSE to have sex with me. YANBU.

DamnBamboo Fri 11-Jan-13 18:01:27

Of FFS. OP, you will get battered for this unfairly I might add.
She is making a comment saying she is no longer attracted to him and telling us why. It is not unreasonable for her to say this.

MollyMurphy Fri 11-Jan-13 18:02:18

I have up and down in weight since I married my husband and 2 c-sections have left that unsightly belly overhang thing. I would be so hurt if he said something like this to me.

There is a major difference between supporting your partner in making lifestyle changes and expressing concern for their health and insulting them via ultimatums.

nevermindthebuzzcocks Fri 11-Jan-13 18:03:25

I get what many of you are saying. No I'm not perfect malteserzz and I am not the exact same shape as I was when we met BUT i did recently lose 2 stone becasue i was no longer happy with how I looked (DP says he thinks I was fine as i was and am fine now.)

I have been saying to him for quite a long time (probably years now) that I struggle to feel sexual about him now his belly is big. I have been subtle and i've been obvious. i have also told him that I'm worried for his health (carrying all your fat around your middle is very dangerous).

i knew there would be people who said, stuff like will you expect him to want you when your old and ugly etc.... But I'm not saying it to be mean. I don't like being rude and hurting him. BUT what can i honestly do if i struggle to have sex with him. I could weep when i think that i will probably never again get to have sex with the man i fancied so much before.

mrskeithrichards I get what you're saying you'd hate your dh to say that about you BUT if he had been saying for years that he struggled with a part of your body that had changed due to what you were eating or drinking would you ignore his feelings or try to change the part of your body that was causing the turn off???

MajesticWhine Fri 11-Jan-13 18:04:22

I think saying "no more sex until we can do it the way I want to" sounds unreasonable. Having a very delicate and honest conversation about how you love him, but the belly has affected your physical attraction to him, is the right way to go, not giving him conditions and ultimatums.

MajesticWhine Fri 11-Jan-13 18:06:42

xpost OP, well obviously you have tried to tell him... so what happens when you do say these things to him?

Iggly Fri 11-Jan-13 18:06:43

If its physically turning you off and physically getting in the way then I understand.

And I'd understand if DH felt that way about me if I got fat.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Fri 11-Jan-13 18:07:08

He's obviously drinking too much to have developed a beer belly.

That would worry me as much as any unsightliness

DamnBamboo Fri 11-Jan-13 18:07:41

OP, how does he react when you communicate this to him?

nevermindthebuzzcocks Fri 11-Jan-13 18:13:43

Since when did his belly have anything to do with sex????????

Surely sex is an act of love not vanity?????

YABVU!!!!!!!!!

it has everything to do with it. We can only make love with me on top, i am not allowed to look at him naked because A) he is embarrassed and B) it definitely wouldn't help get me into the mood. So instead of looking at the person I love and having spontaneous sex i have to try not to look at him, try not to touch him around that area and be perched up there on top of him.

I have not given him this ultimatim YET. i have had a gentle conversation with him SEVERAL times about this. when i tell him that i would definitely want more sex with him if he could get a slightly flatter belly he tells me that i wouldn't want any more sex whatever he looked like (like i don't know my own mind.)

DamnBamboo Fri 11-Jan-13 18:17:21

OP, just how big is he?

Are you also concerned for other reasons?

hpsaucy Fri 11-Jan-13 18:18:25

How much weigh has he put on??

JamieandtheMagicTorch Fri 11-Jan-13 18:19:00

Is he depressed? Why is he drinking so much?

I don't think i'd have approached this as you have, if the same was said to me i'd be deeply hurt but otoh you are being honest, and there is something he could do about it

nevermindthebuzzcocks Fri 11-Jan-13 18:19:42

When I talk to him about it he says stuff like, it's not what i eat i just need more exercise (and then does nothing) or he says, i need to cut down on carbs (but it is not a carb belly).

He has always drunk a lot of beer but when we first met he got a lot of exercise so it never caught up with him - of course now we are both in our 40s and we don't get enough exercise it is catching up with him.

i thought he was going to turn over a new leaf for NY but yesterday he came home with a fridge pack of beers and a giant bag of peanuts. on the one hand i think it is up to him what he eats and drinks (he doesn't tell me what to eat) but on the other hand why should i make love to him if i don't want to.If he had looked like this when we met i would not have gone to bed with him and yet now i am expected to have sex regularly despite not feeling turned on by the way he looks.

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