To think about leaving my husband over a bike?

(135 Posts)
Opossum99 Fri 11-Jan-13 13:31:35

Sorry,a bit long. I'm currently on parental leave following ML. My ft job has relocated and we would have to move for me to continue with my company so I'm taking as much (unpaid) leave as possible before having to make that decision. I've been looking for another job locally and was offered one on Wednesday. My OH is being made redundant end of march. On Wednesday after telling him I'd had an offer he came home and told me he'd bought another bike for £600. I'm fuming because a. We don't know about his work situation from march and b. I don't know if I want to take the job and c. I had thought I'd made it very clear I didn't want him buying a new bike as he still owes a couple of thousand on his credit card. Now after doing a bit of checking (he left a web page open on his iPad) it seems very unlikely bike was £600 and was probably more like £2000!
I took both DCs last night and stayed away but am thinking of whether I need to do more? Thoughts please??

AThingInYourLife Sat 12-Jan-13 18:41:57

Some people are so fucking dense when it comes to money.

I mean, really, if you think that having £1000 in your account means you have £1000 to spend, you have the financial acumen of a 6 year old.

JustFabulous Sat 12-Jan-13 17:26:09

If he has £1000 in his account why the drama?

Where is "your" £1000 coming from?

curryeater Sat 12-Jan-13 13:59:12

yep ok athing is right, even if the bike is ebayed for £200 it is symbolic

fuzzpig Sat 12-Jan-13 13:33:20

<joins AThing fan club>

AThingInYourLife Sat 12-Jan-13 13:03:32

If it can't be returned, then he must sell it and recoup as much of the wasted money as possible.

No way should he be rewarded for lying and taking family money without asking by getting a new bike out of it.

CajaDeLaMemoria Sat 12-Jan-13 12:47:52

I'm not sure a demonstration bike sold cheap would be returnable unless it's faulty. It'd depend on the shops policy but you'd never get that round here.

Still, he should have tried. He should ease his guilty conscious by returning the bike to show he knows it was a crap decision, rather than trying to buy you.

AThingInYourLife Sat 12-Jan-13 12:29:29

The bike needs to go back.

That is the first, and absolutely crucial, step in resetting the financial arrangements.

If he gets to keep the bike he lied and stole to obtain, then any new "settlement" is just appeasing the OP until next time.

If he's repentant, and if he gets why it was so stupid, so immoral, and so childish to buy himself a new bike for a treat and lie about it when he's about to lose his job, then he will happily send it back and use the money to pay down his debts.

If he complains about it, he's just trying to get you off his back and he'll continue his spendthrift ways at your children's expense.

What a shitty excuse for an adult.

curryeater Sat 12-Jan-13 12:12:54

Oh come on, I can see the Op's POV here - if you can re-set the financial set up, make it clear that he has to show respect to you in the way he communicates and in the way he spends money, and it works - you can come back from a foolish £1k purchase. I hope. I can see why she wants to give him a chance, but the relationship and how he treats her in future is more of a thing than the money.
I would be a bit pissed off at the "you can spend 1k too!" gesture as it is meaningless unless he robs a bank - it's just more family money. I think the op should explain this carefully in words of one syllable and "cash in" that gesture for something else that she really wants that won't cost anything in money (saturday lie ins for 4 weeks, say) (I can tell you there have been times in my life when I would have paid £250 to stay in bed in the morning!)

Euphemia Sat 12-Jan-13 11:47:02

So you were mad at £600, raging at nearly £3000, but okay about £1000 as it's not as bad as £3000? hmm

Neither of you sounds like you have a grip on budgeting, or sensible ways to spend money. You should be trying to clear your debts, and start saving, not pissing £1000 up against a wall!

You are both being unreasonable.

BadLad Sat 12-Jan-13 11:30:41

I thought I'd read this thread before. Turns out it was a cheaper bike.

http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/a1538314-to-be-pissed-off-my-OH-has-bought-a-400-bicycle

AThingInYourLife Sat 12-Jan-13 11:25:22

So is the bike going back?

Or does he get to tell lies and spend money you don't have on bikes and get off the hook with a meaningless offer to waste the equivalent money on you?

He knew you would reject the offer. He was not trying to salve his conscience, he was trying to manipulate you into letting him keep the dishonesty bike.

And the grand that should have been knocked off his loan but is now going to sit in your shed in bike form gathering dust while he imagines he is a cyclist is accruing interest.

Opossum99 Sat 12-Jan-13 11:03:27

There is no way that I would spend another £1000 on anything right now. He just wants to salve his conscience.
athing I see your point, I only meant that at least its not incuring interest as well.

oldebaglady Sat 12-Jan-13 00:41:26

what AThingInYourLife said!

StuntGirl Sat 12-Jan-13 00:34:32

What athing said.

So glad you will e handling the finances. that way you can make sure the debt is cleared.

AThingInYourLife Fri 11-Jan-13 22:09:50

"He also said I could have £1000 to buy myself something if I wanted."

So he's going to keep the bike and blow another grand to keep you sweet?

hmm

"The bike he bought on his debit card so hasn't actually added to his debt."

confused

When you're in debt and you spend £1000 on something you don't need instead of paying down your debt, then you are adding to your debt.

You seem to be as daft as he is.

bureni Fri 11-Jan-13 21:44:26

My hubby nearly left me after I bought my last motorcycle, he did however point out that I already has another 2 and asked how many backsides I had which was a fair point I suppose grin

Opossum99 Fri 11-Jan-13 21:39:29

Hi Msvestibule, I'm feeling much better now. I know a lot of people here have said they would leave him and I guess if he had spent almost £3k and then refused to take it back I would have to consider this option more but before breaking up a family you have to be absolutely sure it's the right choice, not one made out of pique. He understands what he did was wrong but he has now apologised and agreed to let me handle the money so can I expect more? I don't imagine he will repeat the behaviour.
fuzzpig he is a higher income earner and is expecting to get equivalent to 1/2 year salary when he leaves.

MsVestibule Fri 11-Jan-13 21:27:56

I know he's still in the doghouse, but how are you feeling about him/the situation now? Overall, are you happy with the way the finances in your household are dealt with? Is this a one-off?

I have a lot of sympathy for you. Money is the only thing DH and I argue over - but I won't hijack your thread by moaning on about that sad.

Opossum99 Fri 11-Jan-13 21:17:20

Ok update. I confronted him when he got home. He admitted bike cost more and then produced receipt - £1000. Apparently it was cheaper because it was considered used as it was last years demonstrator model. So I felt at least a bit better about that. He apologised for lying and said it was a spontaneous thing when he saw I was pissed off when he told me had bought a bike. He said he knew he would get some money soon and he has offered to give the remaining amount to me to handle, once he clears his credit card. He also said I could have £1000 to buy myself something if I wanted. The bike he bought on his debit card so hasn't actually added to his debt. He knows he's still in the doghouse though.

I'd tell him to return the bike and hand over all finances to you to control, no cc no atm (you can hand him a set amount of cash each week and he has to make it last or go without) so that the family can become financially stable, or show him the door and tell you hope he and his bike will be very happy together. Why should you have to leave? He's a big spoilt child and is risking his family future over buying "stuff"

CuriousMama Fri 11-Jan-13 20:33:25

No he doesn't my dp is and still wouldn't do this.

ThereGoesTheYear Fri 11-Jan-13 20:02:20

He doesn't sound like a cycling nut - he hadn't been on a bike for 6 months until last week - he sounds more like Mr. Toad.

13Iggis Fri 11-Jan-13 19:17:27

He already showed he was selfish by not sharing the money properly when you started SMP. He has the example of his father to go on - presumably his motheer did not leave when the ipad was bought, so he maybe thinks you will be equally soft!

CuriousMama Fri 11-Jan-13 19:12:28

I think I'd throw up if dp did this. He's a cycling nut and bought a £500 when we got £18K. That's the last he'll buy though, he says that not me.

Your OH sounds so irresponsible.

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