To make dh choose-me or his mother?

(238 Posts)
ariane5 Fri 28-Dec-12 16:18:08

11 years ago when I was 18 and very silly dh (then dp) persuaded me to get an £8000 loan out for his mum as she had a bad credit rating but needed one to pay loan sharks.
Being silly and in love I did and she refused to make the repayments, dh and I split up and I had to raise dd1 with virtually no money as I had to pay the loan.I went to small claims court and mil had to pay it back (but it took years.

We now have 4 dcs and the money situation with dhs family worse than ever.dhs brother owes us 200 pounds his sister 390 pounds, his mum has borrowed here there and everywhere from dh-how much I don't know as its all so secretive.dh works for his brother and some weeks does not get all his wages.I am in control of all the bills now as I cannot trust him and we have no money Iam really struggling and we never have treats and it is really difficult.

Dh family on the other hand ALWAYS have nice stuff-hair/nails done, sil planning a huge expensive wedding for next year and a honeymoon yet she won't pay back what she owes us? I keep asking and texting and phoning even 5 pounds a week as thatd buy a pack of nappies I'm that desperate but they ignore me.

The last straw came today when we got a debt recovery letter for dh.his mum had opened a catalogue in his name (from when he lived at home) had not paid it so now we have got the letter.I have always paid my bills and don't want to be blacklisted.

I asked dh to phone mil as its her debt she has to pay.He lost his temper saying he will not fall out with his family no matter how much they owe us.

I tried to reason with him saying that because of them me and the dcs are going without its just not fair but he will not tell his mum to pay he says she has no money etc etc.but WE have no money I cannot make him see that they are taking the piss out of him.

I'm so angry I told him to choose me and dcs or his family I can't do this any more.

He said Iam out of order making him choose and trying to tell him he can't be friends with his family he cannot see that they are just using him and he would rather see his wife and kids go without.

ariane5 Fri 28-Dec-12 17:48:20

He couldn't get the loan himself as their address has been blacklisted for a long time.

I was living with my mum at the time and I was an idiot.

jessjessjess Fri 28-Dec-12 17:49:20

Unfortunately loving him isn't enough.

I strongly recommend you contact a debt advice charity like StepChange or Payplan. And I think you need to issue your DH some major ultimatums.

financialwizard Fri 28-Dec-12 17:56:22

I work in finance obviously and I have also been married to a man like your husband. Earlier on you said that his Mum was fleecing him but you also said that after you took his cards off of him he got a new credit card. I would hazard a guess that it was maxed out already, if not close to it. If that is the case I hate to tell you this but he is just as irresponsible financially as his mother. You will not be able to break him of this cycle. I have seen it with my exh and with my clients time and time again. If you want to provide properly for your children I think you are going to have to wave goodbye to your husband.

financialwizard Fri 28-Dec-12 17:57:36

X post op.

It is a complete fallacy that addresses are blacklisted, it is always the person only.

ariane5 Fri 28-Dec-12 18:02:04

Must have just been the plan all along then to just get the loan from me and not repay it.

I have my suspicions that the latest card was obtained in order to pay sil rent arrears as she was meant to be evicted but it never happened mysteriously.I only found out as I had started opening dhs bank statements to check what he was doing as he had been on online banking a lot that's when I saw payments to the new credit card.

I just can't keep up with it all they take money here there and everywhere.

peaceandlovebunny Fri 28-Dec-12 18:05:13

ok, ok, i have faults. i don't read posts in detail and i never read the whole thread.

but you have made me so angry.

am i right? is this what happened?

you had a child with a man you hadn't bothered to marry - that's not too bad, people do that all the time.
you were conned by him and his mother out of £8000. that should have been the end of the relationship.
you had the man back and had three further children with him. were you mad?
you continued to lend his family money. give it. you know they don't pay back.
you continued producing children knowing your partner has an unreliable job and a family of leeches? how could you be so irresponsible?
you and your children live in poverty while his family have a great time. and you're just waking up to that?
you aren't even thirty yet. four children, miserable past, nothing to look forward to.

ok, i've stopped feeling angry at you. you've had a very hard time (even though a lot of this is your own fault - you should have got out of this three children ago).

do as people here advise. get advice re debt. and get rid of you partner. get rid. you can't afford him. he's like a bad gambling habit or drug habit - he's taking everything and he isn't giving back anything worth having.

you need to sort things. you are young - really young - though as a hard-pressed mother of four i am sure you don't feel it. you have potential to make a good life for yourself and your children once you get rid of the loser and his family of leeches.

good luck. stop being a doormat and get on with your life.

HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly Fri 28-Dec-12 18:05:19

Maybe its time to consider the possibility that HE sees you as a cash cow too and uses you just as they do.
I'm sorry you're in this situation. It must be so painful

ariane5 Fri 28-Dec-12 18:12:28

Yes I have been stupid.I honestly thought that after I took mil to court over the £8000 that was the end of it.A lot had been lent/given since that was kept quiet from me it has only been last 2-3 years that things got really bad and a lot of money has gone.

I feel awful I know I've been stupid.I have horrendously low self confidence and that has played a huge part.That and hoping he would change.

diddl Fri 28-Dec-12 18:16:07

"I have horrendously low self confidence "

Had a feeling that you might say that-otherwise why not just tell him to "go away" when he asked for 8grand-11yrs ago!!

No way could I have got a loan for that at 18!!

ariane5 Fri 28-Dec-12 18:16:39

It won't be easy, when we split up after the 8000 loan (when dd1 was between 8 weeks-3yrs) I had his mum round constantly demanding to see dd1, they took me to court for contact it was awful they made my life hell.

HecateQueenofWitches Fri 28-Dec-12 18:19:41

Ok. Before you get him out, secretly gather evidence of her fraud.
Give him no indication that you are doing it.
Put the originals in a safe deposit box
Give him the copies and her and say if they hassle you in any way, you will take this evidence to the police. At that point say you want him out.

forgetmenots Fri 28-Dec-12 18:21:20

How were they able to take you to court for contact given that you could easily prove you had had to take your mil to small claims court for fraud?
(Genuine question)

ariane5 Fri 28-Dec-12 18:22:18

I was very stupid, I was 18 I had a good job but had just lost a baby so I was in a mess. Dh was living with his mum and said he wanted to move out get a flat with me etc etc but that he couldn't as was so worried about his mum being hounded by loan sharks-he said if I got a loan for her and it was all paid off he would get a flat for us.

I was just ridiculously naïve I didn't think for a second she wouldn't pay it back she promised she would.

All I can see is how many mistakes I've made I feel sick.and so so stupid

HollyBerryBush Fri 28-Dec-12 18:23:37

I really feel for you OP. DH's feckless brother used to be like this. The amount of bad debt he accrued, both directly and indirectly - in my opinion - caused FIL to suffer a massive fatal heart attack sad

I am not forgiving at all, I have a very long memory. DH has come to terms with it on account that BIL is the only brother he has. Fortunately they moved abroad and we never have to see them.

You are going to have to toughen up, lovvie, really toughen up. I can't tell you to boot him out, but if he puts his mother over his childrens needs, then you need to rethink what exactly he brings to all your lives.

HecateQueenofWitches Fri 28-Dec-12 18:24:08

We all make mistakes. Don't feel stupid, just learn from them!

ariane5 Fri 28-Dec-12 18:25:31

I asked that at the time, according to solicitor and CAFCASS the money/loan issue was seperate to dd1 having contact with her father/grandmother.in the end only dh was granted supervised contact but it was a long hard fight.mil had such a nerve harassing me to see the very child who was going without because of her.

forgetmenots Fri 28-Dec-12 18:28:31

That's why I had wondered ariane - to me it is obvious he does not have your children's interests at heart. It sounds like she has put you all through the mill with your DH's permission. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this, it has to stop.

peaceandlovebunny Fri 28-Dec-12 18:28:46

stop feeling stupid and sick.
say 'i did that. i did my best. it didn't work out'. then forget it.

and now that you are a different person, with so much more life experience, start or keep working on making a better future for yourself and your children.

ariane5 Fri 28-Dec-12 18:55:17

Dh has just tried to tell me how he knows I am right but he's embarassed that his family have kept doing this and he just can't say no. He doesn't know what to do as I have asked numerous times for my money back and his family just ignore me and he doesn't want to argue with them.

He wants to wait and see if the debt collection agency(for catalogue in his name) write again after the deadline they've given then he will apparently tell his mum to pay it.

I just think he is fobbing me off, trying to avoid it all "til the next letter" or saying they might pay us back "after christmas".

I've had enough all I can see when I look at him is a weak man who has chosen to let his dcs and wife go without. I felt defeated at first now I keep feeling angrier and angrier I look at myself in the mirror-a mess I can't afford a haircut and my glasses are scratched to bits and not strong enough because I can't afford new ones.Dcs all wear 2nd (or 3rd) hand clothes yet sil dcs always in new things.I feel so bitter that his family aare draining us of so much money.

Tomorrow is ds1 birthday I don't want to ruin that but I think after this weekend Dh will have to move back in with his mother.

Doinmummy Fri 28-Dec-12 18:57:52

You have been naive and far too trusting. Stop beating yourself up and take action. Sort your own finances out, make sure you have an account only you can access. I agree with hecate , gather as much info as poss on MIL's fraud.

You must take control of yourself . Your DH cannot be helped.

I wouldn't be surprised if things are worse than you know. You need to extract yourself from any finances connected with your DH and his family. You will be ok on your own. DH and his family can still see the children. Life is hard enough without your DH creating financial hardship for you . It must be a terrible strain for you. You can't live with the deceit and lies.

Doinmummy Fri 28-Dec-12 19:00:10

He can't possibly love you. Your last post has brought a tear to my eye.

HecateQueenofWitches Fri 28-Dec-12 19:09:47

He's probably sensed a determination in you and is trying to pull you back in to save his skin and theirs.
Don't fall for it

ariane5 Fri 28-Dec-12 19:14:16

I won't fall for it, he's tried it before, hoping I will just let it go.

I can't do it anymore I've been pushed to my limit. Iam good with money, I always pay my bills I can manage all that fine by myself and I won't have to worry about debt letters turning up anymore.

It is so sad it has come to this though.

AllOverIt Fri 28-Dec-12 19:15:22

I'm not normally in the LTB camp, but today I am.

Please ask him to leave. He will not change, and has proved that time and again... hmm

MaryPoppinsBag Fri 28-Dec-12 19:21:18

OP what is your financial situation?
Do you work? Do you own/ rent your home? Basically what I'm asking is can you kick him out and support you and your DC's? (you'll docs better job than him by the sounds of it)

Do you know whether he has used your names to open any credit cards etc. have you checked your credit rating / history recently?

They sound like an utter nightmare TBH!

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