To be unsympathetic with pregnant friend

(498 Posts)
creamteas Fri 28-Dec-12 14:13:35

Two people I know were in an on-off relationship which neither took very seriously. Last year, due to contraception failure, she became pregnant. From the beginning, he made it clear he was not interested in being a father and offered her money and support through an abortion. She decided she wanted the baby, and at which point he stated that he wanted nothing to do which the future child and ended all contact with her. This was at about 6 weeks in and she is now 36 weeks pregnant.

Throughout the pregnancy she has sent him constant updates and invitations to scans etc all of which have gone unanswered. She was still assuming he would change his mind, when this week she heard the news that he is moving abroad just after New Year.

She is now apparently devastated and wondering how she will cope. Yet it was her decision to continue with the pregnancy and she did so knowing that he had no intention of being involved.

I am trying to be sympathetic but given that he made his feelings very clear from the beginning, I really don’t think she has anything to complain about. She made the decision to continue with the pregnancy knowing that he was not going to be involved. AIBU.

redexpat Fri 28-Dec-12 14:28:17

I understand where you are coming from, but really I think you should try and be a bit more charitable. It's much easier to see things in black and white when you are not directly involved. He should pay maintenance though. Perhaps you could help your friend by reading up on the rules and regulations? Having a baby is a major change in your life, adn it must be really tough to go through it alone.

atthewelles Fri 28-Dec-12 14:28:44

YABVVU. Not everyone agrees with abortion or feels it's the right decision for them. That does not mean the father can simply walk away from his responsibilities or refuse to support his child. He knew a pregnancy could be the result of the relationship and this child is now his responsibility just as much as your friend's. What a horrible attitude.

LikeAVirginMary Fri 28-Dec-12 14:28:54

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creamteas Fri 28-Dec-12 14:29:10

Women have a right to go ahead with a pregnancy against a man's preference. Men can't have a say over abortion, it is definitely a women's right to choose. But if they do so, they should not respect the man's right not to be involved.

If it was the other way round and men were forcing pregnancy or abortions on women it would not be acceptable would it? So why should women be able to 'force' a decision on men?

Families come in all shapes and sizes, and just having a mother is perfectly fine in my book.

emeraldy Fri 28-Dec-12 14:29:43

YABU. If you consider yourself her friend you should keep your opinions to yourself and support her. We all make misjudgements when it comes to men.

okaynowitstheseason Fri 28-Dec-12 14:30:20

YANBU. If he wanted the child and she didn't, the "her body her choice" brigade would have been making clear how little it had to do with him. So her body, her choice, her responsibility.

He hasn't exactly tricked her.

perceptionInaPearTree Fri 28-Dec-12 14:31:28

peaceandlove - it may have been her choice but abortion is never an easy choice to make. Why does this woman deserve mean minded judgement from the OP, who calls herself her friend?

perceptionInaPearTree Fri 28-Dec-12 14:32:25

Actually OP, you sound like a 'friend' I once had, who I binned because she wasn't really a friend.

Montybojangles Fri 28-Dec-12 14:32:35

I imagine (as most people would I'm sure) that she thought he might actually come around to the idea that he had created a life. The fact that he is leaving the country changes things for her massively.
I understand that she chose to continue this pregnancy, but one would hope the bloke could "man up" and face his responsibilities. Now I doubt she will even be able to get any financial support for the child from him. He is a louse and is clearly running away from his responsibilities, that's why she's so upset/panicked.

You are not being very nice or a friend, you are BVVU ( hope that's more acceptable MN)

Mosman Fri 28-Dec-12 14:32:36

I hope he's moving to a country where the CSA can still chase him, what a tosser.

Mosman Fri 28-Dec-12 14:32:51

I hope he's moving to a country where the CSA can still chase him, what a tosser.

EverybodysSnowyEyed Fri 28-Dec-12 14:33:05

if two people have sex, a risk is that a pregnancy may occur. the only way to ensure that doesn't happen is to not have sex.

by having sex your male friend ran that risk. it is not up to him to then lay down his conditions ie have an abortion or i'm off.

unlike your male friend, your female friend doesn't have that choice. unlike your male friend that little life is growing inside her and that makes the decision to abort or not much harder.

he may not have wanted the pregnancy to continue but he has a responsibility to that baby

Also, at 36 weeks pregnant I think most first tie mums are beginning to wonder how they will cope!

Cut her some slack

Viviennemary Fri 28-Dec-12 14:33:14

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Fakebook Fri 28-Dec-12 14:34:30

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creamteas Fri 28-Dec-12 14:35:20

I'm happy to support her in being a new mum, and have being doing so. I would have equally supported he in an abortion. Her choice.

But she was always going to be doing this alone, and she should have accepted this from the beginning rather than imagine a fairy-tale ending

GlaikitFizzogTheChristmasElf Fri 28-Dec-12 14:36:25

He still has responsibilities. Just because he wanted her to have an abortion doesn't give him a get out of jail free card. I hope he will support his child. If not I hope she pursues him though every court in the land.

Support your friend, but never, ever show yr smugness and "I told you so attitude". Even in a relationship I had "how will I cope" thoughts when pregnant. It is a normal thing.

tabulahrasa Fri 28-Dec-12 14:36:38

'So why should women be able to 'force' a decision on men?'

Unless she forcibly extracted semen and inserted it herself she's not forcing any decision on him. He made the decision to have sex with her and pregnancy is the consequence of that.

okaynowitstheseason Fri 28-Dec-12 14:38:26

'So why should women be able to 'force' a decision on men?'

Unless she forcibly extracted semen and inserted it herself she's not forcing any decision on him. He made the decision to have sex with her and pregnancy is the consequence of that.

You could use the exact same argument where a man is trying force a woman to go term, as long as he didn't rape her.

perceptionInaPearTree Fri 28-Dec-12 14:39:41

Creamteas - have you ever been in love with someone and failed to see things properly in perspective because of it?

Wow I have to say I'm pretty gob smacked with the amount of posters saying that she hoped he would come round to her way of thinking, or once she had the baby, he'd come round to it.

What a risky strategy that is, trying to manipulate a persons feelings.

She doesn't need "I told you so" advice though, op. She needs practical support. If you don't feel you can offer that then for her sake it's probably best that you break off contact, for both your sakes.

creamteas Fri 28-Dec-12 14:40:59

tabul That's rubbish. They used contraception (they both state this), so neither of them wanted a child. She made a decision not to have an abortion. He (rightly) has no say in this, which mean that it is her decision alone.

FreePeaceSweet Fri 28-Dec-12 14:42:27

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FivesGoldNorks Fri 28-Dec-12 14:43:08

"If it was the other way round and men were forcing pregnancy or abortions on women it would not be acceptable would it? So why should women be able to 'force' a decision on men?"

Because it's her body, and it's women who bear most of the brunt of pregnancy, childbirth and childrearing. As is clear in this case.

perceptionInaPearTree Fri 28-Dec-12 14:43:14

In any case, some people do change their mind and come around to the idea of a child sometimes.

ReindeerBollocks Fri 28-Dec-12 14:43:28

She clearly thought that this would save their relationship. Regardless of her views on abortion (do you even know what they are OP?) she has made her decision.

It's hard enough having a planned baby in a stable environment - but to do it alone, completely alone is terrifying. She is understandably upset that the father of her baby is moving away, even if he made it clear that he wants nothing to do with her - it's still a connection to a man she clearly has feelings for.

Personally I hope she has a great family round her who will support her and the baby.

So, are you a judgey family member or new girlfriend of the bloke? I seriously doubt you are her friend, you sound far too callous to genuinely be her friend.

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