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..in not feeling comfortable with leaving my precious 5 wk old baby with MIL?!

(299 Posts)
havingastress Tue 11-Dec-12 20:48:40

I've posted before - don't have the best relationship with the MIL..

Anyway. She is now pressurising me massively to leave our baby with her overnight (without me) and I just don't feel comfortable at all. I'm running out of ways to say No - she just will not let it lie. She also wants us to go for extended stays, when frankly I can't bear spending more than a couple of hours at their house (they have big dogs which they refuse to put away and I'm allergic to them) as I find her such bloody hard work.

If I'm honest, the only person (other than my DH) who I feel comfortable leaving her with right now is my mum. But after all, she's my mum! MIL might be my DD's granny, but I really don't know her that well and I just would never forgive myself if something happened.

So, AIBU to keep saying No to the MIL? Or is she being unreasonable expecting to spend alone time with DD and complaining that my mum gets 'better access' (her words)

and yes, realise I am probably being PFB about this too

Will take on board all comments smile

tittytittyhanghang Tue 11-Dec-12 21:05:51

What wfy said. If you didn' leave your baby with anyone other than dh then YWNBU, but if you are willing to leave baby with your mum, then YABU.

rainrainandmorerain Tue 11-Dec-12 21:06:05

yanbu. I had a mil who had looked after other dgs overnight from
one week old (!) and expected to do the same with ds - luckily I was breastfeeding, so had a good excuse, but there was still a bit of pressure (couldn't he have formula for that one night etc).

She also smoked. Used to think I was making a big fuss about it.

The big dogs that they refuse to put away would be an issue, too. If they don't separate them when you are there, they won't bother when you aren't there, will they? My 2 and a half year old ds has never spent a night with either dm or mil - my own mother's lack of disciplined control over her dogs is one reason why not.

havingastress Tue 11-Dec-12 21:06:16

whatsforyou I do totally totally take your point, but i don't know how to get round it. My mum is my mum - I feel like DD is a mini extension of me and therefore of course it's ok for my mum to be left with her, because I totally trust her. Mind you, I did only leave her for 2 hrs whilst I had my hair done!

I know MIL has same relationship to my DD, but honestly, no, I don't trust her. I don't know her. Not really. I'm probably closer to my work colleagues than my MIL!

Is it really so odd that I feel happier leaving my DD with my own mum than DH's mum?

Oh. DH also thinks his mother is a fruitloop! He just tells me to ignore her. confused She is very controlling.

ZhenThereWereTwo Tue 11-Dec-12 21:07:21

YANBU If it was my MIL (and I loved her to bits) she would have been told a straight NO, no excuses, my child stays with me, final.

Dd1 is 3.5 and has only ever spent three nights away from me with my DH and my mum when I was in hospital after having dd2 who at 9 months has never been apart from me for more than 2 hours!

Pochemuchka Tue 11-Dec-12 21:08:15

I've never understood this obsession some DMs and MILs have with wanting a young baby over for the night. I can't see how it benefits anyone involved especially when you aren't keen!

It's not on that she's pressuring you and at 5 weeks I wouldn't be leaving her with anyone but DH and certainly wouldn't want to be away for a whole night.

Had a similar situation with my MIL who badmouthed me to all and sundry for not letting her have the DC over at about 8 weeks old and because I was very selfish for EBFing them.
She continued in that vein, getting worse, including being nasty to my face and contacting my family members on facebook (!) and the upshot is that she gets to see them about once a month, during the day with their dad in tow. (There are other issues too)

Bottom line is, you and DH decide what you're happy with.

ceebeegeebies Tue 11-Dec-12 21:08:32

Absolutely NBU smile

5 weeks is so so young and there is no way I would have ever have left either of mine overnight with either grandparents.

My parents are a similar distance away and, now my DC are a bit older and I would feel comfortable leaving them, why would me and DH drive 2 hours to drop them off and then either pick a random hotel near my parent's to spend the night in or drive 2 hours back and then do the same 4-hour round trip the next day? Where does she expect you to go for the night?

KindleMum Tue 11-Dec-12 21:08:37

Have just realised I've been dishonest - have left my eldest overnight at the age of 2, well in fact for a week, because I was admitted to hospital. Unavoidable. Wouldn't have done it otherwise. And DS was with DH, which cut into his visits to me in hospital but them's the breaks!

DewDr0p Tue 11-Dec-12 21:08:58

YANBU. I would never have left any of mine overnight with anyone else at 5 weeks, not even dh tbh! Not that I don't trust dh implicitly but I wasn't ready to be separate from them for that long.

I remember FIL trying to force us to let them babysit so we could go out for our wedding anniversary when ds1 was 2 weeks old shock - at that stage we were still all over the place with feeding and really didn't want to - so you have my sincere sympathies OP. Just keep saying no.

SeasonallySnowyPeasant Tue 11-Dec-12 21:09:20

YANBU. My DD is 5 weeks old and I wouldn't leave her with anyone. Newborn babies belong with their mums IMO.

havingastress Tue 11-Dec-12 21:09:39

I think she wants to play mum if I'm honest. She has (apparently) now kitted out the spare room as a nursery so that DD will have everything she needs therefore I have 'no reason' not to let her stay (her words)

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange Tue 11-Dec-12 21:09:47

DD is 2 and she has had one overnight stay away from me in her life, with a person of DH and my choosing. Your MIL is wrong to pressure you. What does your DH think.

rainrainandmorerain Tue 11-Dec-12 21:10:19

btw - totally reasonable for you to have different attitudes to differing family members. They are different people with different personalities. If your mother was bullying you about leaving your 5 week old baby with her, using emotional blackmail and not controlling animals you were allergic to in her home, no one would be saying you should be letting her have her own way.

my dm and mil have a very good relationship and regular contact with ds. ds has not at 2 and a half had an overnight alone with either of them.

ClaudiaSchiffer Tue 11-Dec-12 21:10:47

She is nuts. I would never have let my 5 wk old stay with anyone else. Soz but NO.

I would stick my foot right down on this one. Write her a letter if needs be. But I would make it abundantly clear that there is NO WAY my teeny tiny baby would be leaving my side overnight (or at all). I wouldn't care what my dh had to say either. I got all ANIMAL about protecting my babies when they were tiny, which imo is a good think - 's all bonding innit.

If she's going on and on about it, repeat no, no chance, not until s/he's older. Then put the phone down if necessary. You don't need the stress 5 weeks post birth.

Would your dh support you if you asked him to talk to his mum?

Rudolphstolemycarrots Tue 11-Dec-12 21:10:56

5 weeks old? Absolutely would not leave my baby with MIL. The fact she has dogs also rules out toddlers staying with her too.

Trust your gut. 90% of gut instinct is correct.

Just say no and say you will not discuss it further. Ignore any comments.

Don't do it. YAmostdefinitelyNBU!

First time I left my PFB with MIL (and i love her) was at 13 or 14 weeks and that was "to go out for dinner" with DH. I think we left in the middle of our main courses because I couldn't handle it, and we were just down the road grin

Rudolphstolemycarrots Tue 11-Dec-12 21:11:56

can you laugh when she nags 'oh not a chance DD is only 5 weeks! har har'

whatsforyou Tue 11-Dec-12 21:13:31

That's different if your DH agrees with you that she is a bit mental and can't be trusted.
Of course you are going to trust your mum more but while you feel like your DD is an extension of you she is also an extension of DH. I just had a bit of a problem with the fact it initially read like your mum had more rights to your DD because she was 'your mum'

I haven't seen your earlier threads but from your later posts she does sound very pushy and I also thought perhaps your Mum had overnights so could see why she would be a bit annoyed.

Personally I agree with the other posters who think that 5 weeks is way to early for any overnights, we just managed our first at 14 months!

If DH feels the same as you then don't let her steam roller you smile

5 weeks?! hmm

DS is 16mo and the only time I've left him overnight was when DH was bluelighted to hospital two weeks ago. I was only away for a few hours (and had to call a friend in the middle of the night to come sit with sleeping DS) but spent the whole time being a hormonal mess.

I have to admit to hoiking my judgy pants up everytime I see FB statuses from a cousin who seems to leave her (much younger) DS most weekends.

NutellaNutter Tue 11-Dec-12 21:13:59

I have never left my daughter with anyone other than my husband overnight and she's five! You need to be assertive. Something to the effect of, 'I've already said no, and I'm not going to change my mind, so please don't ask me again.' Broken record technique.

ClaudiaSchiffer Tue 11-Dec-12 21:14:12

Also I totally agree about feeling more confident in your mum looking after your baby rather than your mil. ITS YOUR MUM - it's natural to feel more secure with her than bullying nutcase dog loving mil.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Tue 11-Dec-12 21:15:22

Your MIL is being utterly ridiculous and leaving DD for 2 hours with your mum is not remotely similar to leaving her overnight at that age. Just say you're not comfortable leaving her yet.

Plus I'd say overnight stays (even for older kids) only really work here the parents live very near the grandparents. If you have to travel 2 hours each way you will also need to stay with MIL so there would not be an overnight stay. Evening babysitting while you and DH go out yes but not an overnight stay without you.

MerryLindor Tue 11-Dec-12 21:15:47

oh, I am not saying that it is abnormal to feel more comfortable leaving your DD with your mum than your MIL.

Does your DH think that you should leave your DD with his mum?

PurplePidjChickIsNotTheMessiah Tue 11-Dec-12 21:15:53

Tbh i think fuck off is a pretty reasonable response to someone who is trying to ride roughshod over you. Why are you the one telling her, why isn't your partner shielding you from the extra stress?

havingastress Tue 11-Dec-12 21:16:46

I've had 2 hrs away from her since she was born and was all jittery LOL. I can relate to the feeling all 'animal' about her.

We're just now (obviously) getting into the whole Christmas thing now - why aren't you coming down, you have to stay overnight or else how will you see all the family, coming for the day is not good enough blah blah blah.

Why can't they just come for the bloody DAY?! If they came here, then we wouldn't have to put up with dogs and I would feel much more comfortable in my own surroundings. Dh thinks we should compromise and tell them to come here but say they can stay for the weekend...Hmm...I can see his point...but the thought!

ClaudiaSchiffer Tue 11-Dec-12 21:17:40

BTW I left my pfb daughter at 6 months with my parents to go to Italy for the weekend (ooh get me). But I left her with sheets and sheets of A4 instructions on when she liked a biscuit, how to wind her etc etc blush. And I totally trusted my parents to take care of her. It's VERY hard to leave our precious babies even when they are big.

Expecting to have your child overnight at 5 weeks is beyond mad. Ipso facto she cannot be allowed to have her.

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