To want to run away and never see them again

[SilverBaubles33]

Briefly, the Alpha mums invited me for coffee and a get to know you after drop off today - there are a few of us new mums this term. The main Alpha has been really friendly, but is constantly putting herself down and comparing herself to me - I used to have a quite high-powered job, she's a bit tubby, my DDs are on a scholarship etc, and making unfavourable comments. I don't know why she needs to do it as on the face of things she's really popular, has a gorgeous house, lovely dcs, kind husband, she's thoughtful and generous etc.

Anyway, we all turned up for coffee and one of the other mums is from Holland where I used to live, so we started chatting in Dutch. I went to find the loo and Alpha was in the kitchen crying with about four friends, saying that I had ruined her coffee morning, I was an effing bitch, she wished she's never invited me etc.

They saw me in the doorway and Alpha said sorry, not having a great week, and the friends basically asked me to leave.

I asked, is it cos I spoke Dutch, sort of laughing because I thought it must be a joke or something and they said, she can't really deal with you, she feels you're always competing with her etc etc.

I am beyond embarrassed about the whole thing. I just went red and left like they asked me to. My husband said I should laugh it off but I rally don't want to see any of them again and we've got school stuff coming up in the next few weeks, I feel really sick and I've been worrying about it all day.

Should I call her? pretend it didn't happen? Speak to one of her friends? I've never come across this sort of thing before, am I BU or is she and how should I react?

[ShamyFarrahCooper]

she's a bit tubby

well that's nice.

[BuntyPenfold]

I would think she's a bit dotty, except her friends all seemed to take her seriously.
I've never experienced this level of neediness, but clearly you are seen as a threat, as a high-flier with talented children

I would try to speak to whichever of her friends seems the least crazy, saying you have no idea etc. and only wanted to get to know a few people. Don't forget several of them may read these boards though.

[BitOfACyclePath]

I think she was saying what the Alpha Mum has been saying about other people.

[AThingInYourLife]

Well you do compete with her. Your first paragraph is just sneering at her and saying how great you are.

And it is very rude to start speaking in another language like that during a social event.

She was nice and tried to include you, but you think you're too good for the other mothers, so now you will have to find other "high powered" friends.

Hint: lots of school mothers have, or used to have, high-powered careers.

[BuntyPenfold]

What about the other person speaking Dutch - was she asked to leave too?

[goodiegoodieyumyum]

I don't know about the rest of it but it was a bit rude to start speaking in a different language that only you and one other person understood, why did you do that, because you could, it could easily be seen as showing off, the Dutch person was just as rude.

[SugaricePlumFairy]

The speaking in Dutch could be interpreted as being rude and seeing as Alpha sounds highly strung and emotional, well she went into Drama Queenmode.

I wouldn't make an effort to bring it up again, just smile when you see her and be friendly then run! She sounds like a nightmare.

[FeckOffCup]

I would probably try to have a chat with the Alpha mum face to face and I would probably start by apologising, although she was way out of order to call you an effing bitch and she totally overreacted I think you were a bit rude to talk in Dutch to another mum while there, maybe she thought you had switched languages to slag her off or something? I wouldn't go through one of her friends as it will probably turn into chinese whispers and make things worse.

[monsterchild]

I would avoid her and never look back. Be polite, of course, but I wouldn't initiate anything. at school stuff just grin and bear it. I'm guessing she'll have another target soon enough.

Having a cry at her own coffee time because you're a bitch for being there? Sounds attention seeking and has her friends conned. She also has poor social skills.

You have nothing to be embarrassed about, this is her problem. Be glad it happened so quickly and you've been shown her true colors. I'm guessing other not-Alpha mums will be able to tell you similar fates of other newcomers.

[SilverBaubles33]

Bunty, thanks I'll try the most approachable one this evening.

Shamy, sorry that wasn't meant to sound judhemental, it's what dyes always saying about herself constantly.

If any of them do read the boards perhaps they can tell me if I unintentionally offended her with something else or if I should apologise or what.

It's my first coffee morning since pre-school, o took flowers and was really excited about meeting some new people and now I'm feeling like I did a terrible thing.

I hope my sense of perspective kicks in soon...

[ClippedPhoenix]

Just give them all a wide berth OP. Don't know why you mentioned tubby though in your opening post?

[pictish]

Um...ok...I think it was a massive overreaction on her part.
But...I also think you have a competitive streak a mile wide, going on your OP.
And really...speaking Dutch was a bit rude and showy offy in the context of an intimate coffee morning.
I don't know...I wasn't there, but maybe there's some truth in how she perceives you?

Even so...I wouldn't have cried about it. That's rather feeble imo.

[Janeatthebarre]

The whole thing sounds bizaare.
Alpha mums??? What does that mean?

[BuntyPenfold]

Maybe have your own coffee morning and make some different friends.
She is deeply insecure if a few sentences in Dutch makes her cry tbh.

My friend from Delhi often lapses into another language unknown to me - boohoo.

[HecatePropylaea]

So you and the other woman started speaking to one another in a language the others couldn't understand?

While I think bursting into tears and slagging you off was a total overreaction, you must know that what you did was very rude indeed.

You don't start chatting to someone in a language other people don't speak when you're together as a group. That's really rude.

It's happened to me and it isn't nice.

Unless you can all speak dutch, in which case never mind.

[Janeatthebarre]

TBH you all sound like a bunch of high school kids. Alpha mums, crying because someone's 'ruined' your coffee morning; friends ganging up in the kitchen. Is there more that you're not telling us?

[RobotLover68]

I think she was saying what the Alpha Mum has been saying about other people

I read it that this is what Alpha Mum says about herself

I may be wrong

[pictish]

Like how this took place in the housey corner at nursery, and they're all four?

[BuntyPenfold]

I thought the same as Robot

[BuntyPenfold]

Yes I know pictish, and it wasn't fair and they're telling Miss.

[EmmaBemma]

I do think it's a bit rude that you and the other mum chatted in Dutch, but really Alpha sounds like a nutter. I've got the hump with people before, often about obscure reasons I don't properly even understand myself, but I wouldn't be crying in the kitchen while they're in the loo! That's just... wow. I'd wait at least till everyone had left, fester on my own for a while, and then get over it.

[goralka]

she sounds mad and you sound rude,(speaking in Dutch)

[AThingInYourLife]

I know, imagine crying, or being insecure!

What a fucking bitch she must be.

As well as fat.

[bradywasmyfavouriteking]

Tbh I think are down plating your role in this. especially since they all seem to agree. Your OP smacks of 'i am amazing in comparison'. Perhaps you don't realise you come across that way. Could she be putting herself down as she feels you do it so she beats you to it? I know a few people who have self esteem issues that do that.

You all seem very childish and, yes, holding a conversation in another language (therefore excluding others) is rude. But since it seems the other one wasn't asked to leave I would imagine there isore to it.