To put the scarf back on my head due to family pressure? I can't take this.

(89 Posts)
NoScarfOnMyHead Tue 13-Nov-12 20:21:33

You most prob remember me. For the last few weeks dh has had a few pains in his chest area and been struggling to get a good lungful of air. After a trip to A&E and an ECG and x ray, as well as trip to doctors to test breathing etc, he has been declared asthma free and heart attack free. Perhaps a bit of work anxiety or the. Fact he has just started playing football again after not doing it for so many years/poor diet etc. anyway just got a text from mil. Implying that his chest pains are a result of my decision to remove my headscarf. She also said maybe he's too afraid to tell me...(dont know what kind of relationship she thinks we have) but has asked me to "think about it please". I may as well just fucking put the cloth back on my head to shut everyone up mightn't I???? Really upset and quite frankly doubting every inch of myself.

noblegiraffe Tue 13-Nov-12 20:37:01

This is like the religious people in the US who tried to blame hurricane Sandy on the gays. Utterly bonkers.

Seriously, if there was a god up there dealing out individual active retribution for perceived slights, don't you think that taking a scarf off would be well down his list?

crescentmoon Tue 13-Nov-12 20:37:45

im muslim and i do wear a headscarf but God isnt going to send a thunderbolt down from the sky if i dont wear it. theres far more debate on it than on other parts of islam - me i just err on the side of caution but i acknowledge that there are legitimate other views on it.

NoScarfOnMyHead Tue 13-Nov-12 20:38:11

Absolutely shocking how a cloth over the hair can give people the right to judge.

SilverSixpence Tue 13-Nov-12 20:39:46

I am Muslim and wear hijab, but would say it is a person's choice to wear it or not, so if you don't want to, you shouldn't do it for the sake of pleasing your family. It wouldn't really keep the peace, as you would resent them for it anyway. I'm guessing your inlaws are Asian, as some will try every trick in the emotional blackmail book to manipulate people into doing what they want sad.

If you want support from someone who understands and won't judge you, I'm happy for you to PM me

SirSugar Tue 13-Nov-12 20:40:37

There are plenty of muslims who don't wear a headscarf; depends on country of origin and type of interpretaion of modesty.

Starting to wonder if maybe mil thinks my removal reflects badly on the family as a whole?

I can see why you would worry about this but really, they are adults as are you! And you're not responsible for upholding family honour!

You've made a decision that is right for you. Your dh is supporting you and that's commendable especially in light of his feelings on it. You need to remember your valid reasons for not wearing it when they start to put the pressure on.

You shouldn't have to be answerable to MIL or anyone for the choices you make in your own life.

SilverSixpence Tue 13-Nov-12 20:42:00

Also if your husband is ok with you (even if he disagrees) it is nothing to do with your MIL so I would just ignore it. Avoid her for a while if possible, she"ll get used to it.

NoScarfOnMyHead Tue 13-Nov-12 20:42:49

Crescent do you think, even though you wear it for caution, that there are valid reasons why some scholars interpret quran to not mandate the headscarf? It's just so ironic. I pray 5 times a day, have a strong imaan, fast and try to look after my family/be a decent human being, and for crying out loud the rest of my body including my bloody neck is covered by loose baggy clothes. I feel like the covering of women in modern day islam has overtaken and dominated every other subject, even those that are much more pressing such as character building and following the kindness and tolerance of Mohammed (saw)

Molepomandmistletoe Tue 13-Nov-12 20:42:54

If you back down now she will know that she can do it again with something you both disagree on and then your life wont be your own.

It's your life, your head, your decision...NOT your mother in laws.

NoScarfOnMyHead Tue 13-Nov-12 20:44:43

Jazakhallah silver sixpence, and my ils aren't Asian (though I totally get what you are saying..) they are african

Conflugenglugen Tue 13-Nov-12 20:45:54

NoScarf - If you were to follow your heart, what would it tell you? (I have an opinion, but I'm interested in yours.)

NoScarfOnMyHead Tue 13-Nov-12 20:45:57

Aaaaaaargghhhhhhh *cries and tears (what's left of) hair out

greenbananas Tue 13-Nov-12 20:47:42

I do remember you, and I'm so sorry to hear you are having a hard time. Also really sorry to hear about your husband's health problems.

I can't possibly advise, as this is such a difficult situation and I am not a muslim myself so can't offer you any 'inside' opinions. I have lots of neighbours who are muslims, and some wear the scarf and some don't - it is clearly not a simple issue. I am aware that some young women face huge pressure from their families about all sorts of things, and I know that this must be very difficult.

Don't doubt yourself - you made this decision honestly and in good faith, and you did talk to your husband about it. I don't what the best thing to do now is, but good luck whatever you decide.

NoScarfOnMyHead Tue 13-Nov-12 20:48:58

Conflugen. My heart tells me it's not neccessary to put a headscarf on, due to how I truthfully fel when I read the Quran and listen to the pints raised by other scholars,even though I know the majority says otherwise. I believe covering everything else with loose clothing, lowering my gaze, praying, fasting and being a good kind person is what is asked of me.

NoScarfOnMyHead Tue 13-Nov-12 20:49:48

Thank you for your kind words green bananas

NoScarfOnMyHead Tue 13-Nov-12 20:50:56

Lmao I meant pints raised by other scholars, not pints!!! Hehe that def wouldn't be very Islamic ;)

NoScarfOnMyHead Tue 13-Nov-12 20:51:31

Points points points I meant!!!!jeez!!! iPhone . Enough said.

DIYapprentice Tue 13-Nov-12 20:53:06

OP, I'm not muslim, but at my family's church you are supposed to wear a headscarfe in church, for a woman to have her head uncovered in church is considered sacriligous to them. I stopped wearing them when I was 18.

Over the years when I have visited them and gone to church with them I have had pressure put on me to wear it. I will accept the other restrictions, wearing a below knee skirt and not trousers, keeping shoulders covered, tops modest, wearing a paler shade of lipstick rather than a really bold colour, etc- but only because they are things that I don't object to doing, and would, at some point or other, do myself. I wouldn't, however, ever wear a scarf on my head at any other point in my life so won't wear one in their church.

I also have [shock, horror] sat with my DH at the back of the men's aisle rather than leaving him to it - he doesn't however speak a word of their language. I'm sure a large part of the congregation thinks I'm damned to hell - even though I attend an Anglican church regularly and actually assist with communion. I keep having 'but you know what the true faith is' thrown at me. hmm

So I do understand (to a small degree) what you are going through. I hope you find the strength to not be bullied, because that is exactly what she is doing.

SilverSixpence Tue 13-Nov-12 20:53:15

Noscarf you are absolutely right that it has become an overemphasised issue in Islam and there are those who feel it is open to interpretation. It is a decision you can only make for yourself as you have to live with it. I think as you have already made your decision you should stick with it as the fallout will only lessen now and you've probably dealt with the worst of it.

Hassled Tue 13-Nov-12 20:55:10

Well then follow your heart. You've thought about this, you're clearly very devout, you sound like a very thoughtful person. You have to go your own way - try to find the time to sit down and explain to MIL why you feel the way you do (and do you have some texts you could show her which back up your views? Has someone influential who she would respect written/said anything which would help?) but otherwise carry on scarfless.

crescentmoon Tue 13-Nov-12 20:56:55

yes i do think there are valid views on not wearing it but i think the evidence for wearing it is stronger. but it is not a creed issue, its not theology, its to do with practise. and as for all the other minutae of daily practise you have to have heart and conviction in it else it will not be recorded for you. if you pray 5 times a day on time your doing better than me cause my salahs are crap at the moment and im doing them all late!

GrimmaTheNome Tue 13-Nov-12 20:59:35

Wear whatever you think right and encourage your DH to improve his fitness gradually. (The latter seems rather more important to me).

Tell your MIL that you've thought about it and there is no conceivable link between your DHs fitness and your headwear. (Maybe she should have a think too, what link could there be - surely not that she believes Allah would punish your DH for your different interpretation of the Quran?)

noblegiraffe Tue 13-Nov-12 21:00:28

Who is the higher authority? You should not be more scared of the judgement of your MIL.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos Tue 13-Nov-12 21:02:10

Are you still happy with the decision you made now that you have lived with it for a while?

Peevish Tue 13-Nov-12 21:03:07

Noscarf, please don't give into such naked emotional blackmail. I fully support women wearing whatever they like and covering as fully as they see fit or not, but your two threads offer a depressing insight into the insidious cultural/social/familial pressures on Muslim women to cover, should they not want to.

I agree it's an overemphasised issue in western understandings/media depiction of Islam, but I think some negative responses come from people wondering whether a hijabi is covered because she wants to of her own accord, or is forced, or emotionally blackmailed similarly to you.

Best wishes for your husband's recovery.

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