to come to the conclusion that the vast majority of men online dating are just on it for a shag?

(175 Posts)
soontobedivorced Sat 10-Nov-12 15:21:37

or is it just me. And every one of my single female friends. Do men really not want relationships any more? Going to be a huge number of sad lonely old men sitting around in their rented flats surrounded by cats living on beans and smelling of pee in a few years time. You watch and see.

hatesponge Sat 10-Nov-12 16:11:14

Soon honestly I don't think there is a way. It either happens or it doesn't. I'm sorry to be so brutal.

I've tried different dating sites, amended my profile more times than I can remember, lost 5 stone, tried dating different types of men, gave it all up completely for a while, and it's made no difference. I'm attractive, intelligent, have a great job, house etc - and it's taken me 4 years to get a second date and he turned out to be a shit. Every other bloke dumped me immediately after the first.

I don't think it will ever happen for me now.

soontobedivorced Sat 10-Nov-12 16:14:46

Ah yes I forgot about the opposite extreme, the control freaks / sociopaths. Those are the only types I've met that are interested in a relationship!!

hatesponge Sat 10-Nov-12 16:17:14

Oh and before we get onto the paid/free sites debate, theres not much difference in reality. There might be fewer men on paying sites looking JUST for sex, but I'm not convinced they are all looking for relationships either.

Trills Sat 10-Nov-12 16:17:25

You sound very bitter.

Nothing wrong with cats. Or beans. And neither of those things is associated with smelling of pee.

ilovesooty Sat 10-Nov-12 16:18:05

Anybody want to tweak Lovebunny's profile for her and cheer her up a bit?

grin grin

She's just got in in for men as a species as far as I can see.

I can certainly agree with those who say that OD is necessarily a gamble, but soon has been let down in RL.

digerd Sat 10-Nov-12 16:20:30

Mine and my friend's husbands we didn't meet on a dating site, but just as "iffy", and that was on holiday. She didn't meet her ex on a dating site either, and were married 16 years when he left her for another woman just down the road. He left their 2 children 12 and 14 and never had any more contact with them. The holiday romance lasted for ever.I do know of one couple who married meeting on a dating site. There are some lovely, good men out there, but think they are in the minority, I am sorry to say.

Try stating on your profile that sex before 6 weeks will not be considered

ilovesooty Sat 10-Nov-12 16:29:40

There are some lovely, good men out there, but think they are in the minority, I am sorry to say

"Out there" meaning in life generally? Is there any reason for decent men to be in a minority, and presumably if I infer correctly, for society to be overrun by "lovely" women trying to find a man who isn't a total shit?

MsVestibule Sat 10-Nov-12 16:31:12

I met my lovely DH on a dating website in 2005 and by 2009 we had 2 children and were married. He, and several of the men I met prior to him, were looking for a relationship, and only one was obviously just looking for sex.

I don't know if things have changed since then. Perhaps OD is far more popular now, and men have sussed it's an easy way to get laid? It certainly wasn't that way a few years ago, it's a shame if it's changed. Does it say on their profile that they're interested in a relationship? And yes, I do realise that men have, on the very odd occasion said that just to get a shag! Good luck, soon, hope you find somebody who treats you as you deserve to be treated thanks.

hatesponge Sat 10-Nov-12 16:32:36

Every man says they're looking for a relationship on their profile.

Almost none actually are.

TulisaLover Sat 10-Nov-12 16:33:50

YANBU - but I absolutely love it! DP and I have an open relationship - we've always been very free sexually, and I've leveraged online dating to spice up our own bedroom life. Yes - every man is after sex if he's offered it, and by god do I make use of that fact. DP has actually found that the same applies the other way - except that a lot of the women involved in online dating are serial daters who are looking for a meal ticket. He simply promises the earth for the forthcoming second date, and the panties just drop.

soontobedivorced Sat 10-Nov-12 16:33:56

Perhaps it should be re-phrased as behaving decently rather than BEING decent. Just like you should tell a child his behaviour is naughty rather than that HE/SHE is naughty. Bad behaviour all around as far as myself and my (lovely, sane, balanced) single female friends go and it all ends in tears, every time. But of course the guys don't see that because they are already onto the next one. A male friends told me once that men will tell you anything, all sorts of lies and bulls*t, to get a woman into bed. Maybe that is just how they are wired. Shame he's now 6,000 miles away, he was one of the better behaved ones sad

hatesponge Sat 10-Nov-12 16:34:01

And you could say on your profile you wouldn't have sex for 6 months, it would make bugger all difference to the men you'd get messages from. Most men don't read profiles anyway, they just look at the photos hmm

MsVestibule Sat 10-Nov-12 16:35:19

There are some lovely, good men out there, but think they are in the minority, I am sorry to say

Sorry digerd but that is absolute bollocks. IME, the majority of men are lovely and good. I'm sorry if that hasn't been your experience. Perhaps I've just been lucky?

soontobedivorced Sat 10-Nov-12 16:36:48

MsV, it does seem that things have changed as I have heard a lot of people met on dating sites in years past, but these days, I don't know what has happened in this society, fast food, fast sex, easily available porn?, but things seem to have deteriorated and I wonder if single people are going to outnumber couples soon if not already the way things are going.

soontobedivorced Sat 10-Nov-12 16:38:56

MsV they may appear lovely and good but these sites seem to bring out the worst in people. maybe it is the anonymity of it all, and because they can, and because there are women out there that will drop the panties for them as was said above, but it means that they have no reason to spend any time getting to know anyone as they can get a shag anywhere anytime. just seems a lonely life to me.

hatesponge Sat 10-Nov-12 16:38:57

I think you'd struggle to find a lovely SINGLE man.

Seriously, have a count of how many you know.

I know loads of lovely men who are happily married. I can think of maybe 1 single man between say 30 and 50 who I'd describe that way. and a lot more who are complete tossers.

TulisaLover Sat 10-Nov-12 16:39:33

"A male friends told me once that men will tell you anything, all sorts of lies and bulls*t, to get a woman into bed."

Yup, DP has found that to be absolutely true during his forays into online dating. But he is also a stunningly charismatic specimen and I think any woman is lucky to be bedding him. He's a powerful, generous lover so they definitely get their dates worth.

SoleSource Sat 10-Nov-12 16:39:52

I have had (what started out on my behalf) one night stands but they always came back and were together.

When dating and I hace refusedtbe offer of sex on a first/second/third date I have been asked why I think sex is a bad tning, am I frigid, lesbian, that he is sorry I had bad sexual experiences before to make me decline his offer.

So insulting

hatesponge Sat 10-Nov-12 16:39:52

To add, I've never met one decent, lovely man on dating sites in 4 years.

TulisaLover Sat 10-Nov-12 16:40:40

Hatesponge I have to say you seem to have a very negative view of men which I suspect you are projecting onto your dates.

MsVestibule Sat 10-Nov-12 16:43:15

He's a powerful, generous lover Sorry Tulisa, but that actually made me laugh out loud! I'm sure you're right, but it's very Georgette Heyer!!!

hatesponge Sat 10-Nov-12 16:43:39

Thanks for the patronising comment.

I actually come across very well on dates. I'm just a bit too bright for shag-monkeys who are only interested in a fuck and run, which is probably the reason for my lack of second dates.

WarmFuzzyFun Sat 10-Nov-12 16:44:13

I think that (rightly) expectations have risen too.Women aren't willing to take any man irrespective of how he treats her. And women do like sex, NSA/FWB sex too, so I guess OD makes it easier for the like minded to meet.

I've always wondered whatever happened to those 'singles' nights that clubs and pubs used to have back in the 80's and early 90's (ie before the interenet)? I quite like the idea of going to one.

I do think that there are good men out there, but it is luck/chance and taking a risk that sometimes produces positive results.

TulisaLover Sat 10-Nov-12 16:46:14

It was hardly patronising. Your posts are teeming with anti-male sentiment, which I cannot believe is not the primary reason for your lack of second dates. You might be exceptionally bright academically - but unless you're open to the possibility that a man might not be a bastard, your attitude will turn them off.

soontobedivorced Sat 10-Nov-12 16:48:44

tulisa, some women, I'm guessing the majority, coulld do NSA with your dp or whoever. Personally, I've not yet met one who could. Women always get emotionally involved and it all leads to heartache. I cannot express to you the sadness of knowing that that is all a man thinks you are worth.

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