To be peed off at parents who drop their children's off at birthday parties...

(331 Posts)
AnnaLiza Sat 10-Nov-12 14:05:30

....instead of offering to help out!
It's not only about the child being able to cope without the parent. I do expect 11 year olds to be ok without the parents but how can it not occur to mums and dads that I may struggle to feed and look after a bunch of 15 kids when they sit down for food and cake?
I find it very rude that the parents just shoot off without even asking if I might need help. AIBU?

Snog Sun 11-Nov-12 11:32:06

Annaliza the parents were not rude, it is your expectations that were very wide of the mark here.

If you need help then ask your friends or other parents well in advance. That's what everyone else does.

Sorry to hear it was a bit of a nightmare but I bet the kids loved it.

DowntonTrout Sun 11-Nov-12 10:34:44

It seems clear you have not experienced these parties before. Have you moved from abroad where the form is different? I think people are disbelieving because that is how parties are and you were obviously expecting something else. It can't be the first time you have had aparty if your DC is 11 so where you lived before it must have been the norm to stay and help.

You must just put this down to experience. If you are trying to fit in somewhere new you have to realise these parents are not rude or unhelpful- they just did not know you needed help. Just as you did not expect them to drop and run.

By 11 parties are quite often smaller. It is ok to just have 3 or 4 friends and do cinema/ bowling/ go karting or videos and sleepover type things.

If you need help supervising it is ok to ask- just do this when you are planning the party.

Share a party with another child who has a birthday around the same time. We had 6 January birthday children who shared a big party one year. We shared costs, had loads of helpers, each child had their own cake and they had brilliant fun. This might be worth thinking of if you do it again, and when you know people better or if you have younger DCs.

I'm sorry if I have got this wrong and presumed to much, I just couldn't come up with another explanation as to why you were so shocked.

prettybird Sun 11-Nov-12 10:11:37

YANBU to demand and expect reasonable behaviour from 11 year olds. Excited and over-exuberant they may be, but food throwing and not offering to help is not on

In future, invite a smaller number (ask your ds who his true friends are) and make sure that they are clear about what your expectations of their behaviour is.

WofflingOn Sun 11-Nov-12 10:10:09

'did you tell parents of the particularly badly bheaved dc? i have done in the past, and got an apology and flowers from one dc '

smile I did tell one particularly awful 9 year old girl that she could either remember her manners or go home, and I'd phone her parents for her.
She chose to stay.

WofflingOn Sun 11-Nov-12 10:08:34

What happened at his last party, when he was 10?
Or the one before?

cory Sun 11-Nov-12 10:08:31

Itchy, what about public transport then? All our local buses are filled with pre-teens in the morning and afternoon and they do not descend into LOF desert islands. Noone to supervise them, driver downstairs, but on the whole they do behave, if a little noisily.

What I meant was not that children cannot be carried away and misbehave- of course we all know they can- but that one adult without special training can keep them under control if said adult makes it clear that there will be consequences to misbehaviour.

When I was doing work experience as a 14yo I was left in charge of a whole class of 10yos while the teacher popped to the office. They obeyed because they knew I would have no qualms about telling on them. Absolutely no reason you can't make that clear at a party you are organising.

The OP did not know, next time I hope she will come down like a ton of bricks, send them home, tell the parents etc. It is allowed, OP. You don't have to suffer in silence, it's just a question of attributing the blame in the right quarters. Remember, the ones at fault here are not the parents, certainly not you, but the boys themselves. They need to learn that if they get carried away, they will get punished and nobody will excuse them because they got carried away.

I have a 12yo and I would be devastated if I found a parent let him get away with misbehaving because she was afraid of telling me. But my anger would be directed firmly against ds, not against anybody else. Come to think of it, ds is grounded at the moment....

op you can borrow my mother. she is very good at being stern and she would love it grin

did you tell parents of the particularly badly bheaved dc? i have done in the past, and got an apology and flowers from one dc <<and his mum>>

CouthyMowEatingBraiiiiinz Sun 11-Nov-12 09:44:27

I would be very irritated with a bunch of 11yo's that didn't know how to behave at a party, actually.

I wouldn't have expected their parents to stay, but I WOULD have been picking the 11yo's up on their behaviour, and I WOULD be telling their parents.

I've only had to tell the parents twice in 14 years of hosting birthday parties for 4 DC's, though.

<<Concerned that DC's behave for me at parties 99% of the time.>>

<<Wonders how scary I actually am!>>

CouthyMowEatingBraiiiiinz Sun 11-Nov-12 09:38:05

shock A bunch of 11yo's were throwing food around?! I would have given them my very best stern look, and told them that that was NOT acceptable behaviour, and that if they didn't stop, I would be informing their parents of their behaviour when they were collected!

You need to perfect your death glare stern look, OP!

CouthyMowEatingBraiiiiinz Sun 11-Nov-12 09:34:11

I did a bowling party for (then) 10 9 yo's, a 7yo and a 6yo with a 10 week old baby single handedly. One of the 9yo's has ADHD, the 7yo has Autism, and the 6yo had ADHD and Autism. (They are 10, 8 and 7 now)

I also had my then 12yo with Autism there, who was suffering from sensory overload due to the darkness and neon lights.

And you can't manage 15 NT 11yo's?

AlienRefluxovermypoppy Sun 11-Nov-12 09:28:06

It's generally the norm now for our parties to be drop off, ours are 5, but we do put it on the invites, so people know they are not expected to stay, and there's no confusion/embarrasment.

We do have a list of eachothers numbers, left over from playgroup though not school.

Oh yeah, if anyone put my kid in a taxi, and sent them home because I didn't stay they would be the talk of 'the steamie' (what ever that is smile )

Drop and run for ds2's class from reception.
Loads of ds3's still seem to stay (year 3). Although luckily as I'm not in the clique they generally don't stay for ds3's. Thank God.

For ds3's last year I thought I might need a bit of help. So dh, me, we arranged for ds1 to go elsewhere, and for one of his helpers to come and lend a hand (paid her obviously). One dad stayed but the others cleared off, including the parent of the child with autism. The dad who did stay wasn't needed. With the party host person as well (it was outside) all ran smoothly.

What I used to hate was people staying AND bringing siblings. Please no. Just go.

People always stay if we do one for ds1, and I would be aghast if they left, but all his party friends are severely disabled.

TBH if dump and run wasn't normal there would be very few parties that ds2 and ds3 could attend.

dysfunctionalme Sun 11-Nov-12 09:26:32

Well I think you just sound a bit lost and that a lot of posters have been unneccessarily nasty. You get that in here.

It seemed obvious to me you were not local and unsure what to expect.

No it would not be normal to stay at an 11yo's party. Invites here (nz) usually specify whether parents are to stay or not but usually from 4 they go solo.

The kids shouldn't have been throwing food, that's incredibly rude. And I think you can see you could have done with some help so in future I would recommend you ask another parent or a friend whether they might be able to stay to help.

But that does seem like a lot of kids for an 11yo's party. Maybe go smaller next time and get a friend to help you out just so you don't have to worry in advance. It's nice to have another adult to chat to when there are lots of kids around.

CouthyMowEatingBraiiiiinz Sun 11-Nov-12 09:20:07

You want the parents of 11yo's to stay at a birthday party? Eh?

Surely you arrange to have enough of your friends to help out, and if you don't have enough friends who will help you to safely take care of 15 11yo's, you, well, just don't invite as many?

You invite as many as you can cope with. Where I live, parents don't expect to stay at parties once their DC's are in Y1, except in the cases of particularly shy DC's. and they would be there for their DC's, not to help out with the party.

If you wanted parents to stay, why didn't you ASK them?!

gettingeasier Sun 11-Nov-12 09:10:54

An amusing thread with my Sunday morning coffee

Fair enough OP if you didnt know the form at these parties and actually I am feeling a little sorry for you as you sound somehow isolated .

I am with crackfox in not missing parties but most of all not missing shopping for or getting party bags - hated them !!!!

Scholes34 Sun 11-Nov-12 09:09:43

My time is very precious and mostly accounted for. Were I to be asked at drop off to help out, the chances are I wouldn't be able to and I wouldn't expect to be asked at that stage. It's quite possible parents have arranged to lift share, so wouldn't be making the return journey to pick up, so have other plans for the duration of the party. However, had I been asked prior to the event, I would have been able to make time to help. You do feel when the children are older that you'd be in the way.

I'm surprised you don't know your DC's friends well enough to have a few stern words with them about unacceptable behaviour that their parents wouldn't allow in their own homes.

WofflingOn Sun 11-Nov-12 09:08:42

So, you were ill-prepared, did little thinking about the actual circumstances that might occur and didn't ask for advice or help in advance. Now you are cross with the parents of the children, and the children themselves because you proved inadequate to the event.
Well, now you know that wrangling 11 year olds takes a bit of skill, I suggest you think ahead about next year and get DS to choose something different.
Cinema? bowling? paintballing? With half the number of children.

fedupofnamechanging Sun 11-Nov-12 09:08:00

I've been to quite a few soft play parties where the parents have not stayed. I've been a bit shock at that because the parties are in a public place and the parents are relying on the other parents who did stay to look after their dc. The hosts are usually too busy to keep a proper eye on all the dc, so I feel it's risky leaving a small child there.

As for 11 year olds - I would trust mine not to go wandering off, but if I'm honest, I wouldn't like to leave them in a busy public place with a host who didn't have any help. I would have offered to stay, so I could keep an eye on my own child. It's a tricky one for parents because quite often the hosts don't want other parents to stay. When my 11 year old has been at someone's party in their home, I have not stayed because I don't want to intrude on their space. There is an assumption as dc get older that they can be trusted more and it is up to the host to actually host their own party.

I feel for you though, because kids without their parents present can be very badly behaved and you don't want to spend the whole time telling other people's kids off.

happyinherts Sun 11-Nov-12 09:03:16

I think your original post is very confrontational. You are peed off.... You find it rude....

I think a lot of the mothers of your son's friends would also be peed off and find you rude to be complaining.

A party for an 11 year old is just that... Parents are not welcome, don't expect to stay and neither would their offspring want them to stay. It is to be assumed that if you're sending out invitations to a party then you have the arrangements in place to cope. If you thought you could but realised too late that wasnt the case you are out of order in being peed off or thinking other parents rude. If you have anyone to be venting anger at it's organisers of party venue if you think they didn't provide enough staff.

I hope the mothers you are peed off with do not read this post as I don't think you're going to be very popular.

auntpetunia Sun 11-Nov-12 08:50:57

Yabu, have I got this right 15 year 6 boys had a spy/play party in a venue and then sat down for food and you served them! and expected other parents to stay! bonkers!!

do you normally wait on your son? he may be in for a hard time in school on Monday.

HappySeven Sun 11-Nov-12 08:14:29

I wouldn't expect to stay - I'd assume I'd be in the way. How did you get RSVPS? If it was by text and you felt you'd need help, could you have texted a reply asking if they would be willing to stay and help?

My ds is 6 and I wouldn't stay now, my parents are shocked we stayed when he was three. Next time I think you really need to call the children on their behaviour, it's a party not a free licence to run riot. You should have contact details of parents in case anything happened, maybe ring the parent of the worst child to be collected? Or at least threaten it and then carry it through if behaviour doesn't improve?

exoticfruits Sun 11-Nov-12 08:08:11

Sorry- never post on AIBU! Now that you have asked , next time only invite the number that you can look after. If you want any help find it in advance. Don't expect parents to stay. If you want them to stay make it clear on the invitation and provide them with food and drink- but I wouldn't, they will just chat and get in the way!

AnnaLiza Sun 11-Nov-12 08:03:53

I've been accused of being passive aggressive, annoying, a fake etc. I'm just asking a question to find out what I should have expected as I'm not from here and somehow I haven't had this problem in the past. I am very sad that people choose to be so mean to me for no reason sad

Ha ha at Lird of the Flues!
Serves me right trying to type on an iPhone with sausage fingers.

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