To stick a newspaper under my arse and squat ??

(313 Posts)
HELPMyPooIsStuck Sun 04-Nov-12 21:37:59

I've been bunged up for days, so far i've tried raising my feet on the loo, sat with the paper and a coffee hoping gravity would take effect ( it didn't) rocking back and forth, vaseline splodges and drinking enough water to sink the marie celeste.

I've also tried prunes, treacle and shredded wheat.

I don't even like shredded wheat.

Bar the odd feeble offering loggy ain't shifting, it's right at the launch pad so to speak but just isn't taking off, I can actually feel it when I bend down etc, it appears to have set like clay.

So, in the interests of avoiding to mathmaticians route ( working it out with a pencil ) and in the absence of a bucket an old tub. Would I be unreasonale to shove a newspaper underneath my poor, long suffering arse and squat ??

I have a job interview on Tuesday. Every time I think of it I need to poo.

Do you have a job interview any time soon Op? Or anything else horribly stressful that you could focus on while squatting?

Fags are good, they have some kind of laxative or something that stimulates the poo glands, according to DH

Goldensunnydays81 Sun 04-Nov-12 21:52:05

Put your legs out in front of you, cross your feet over resting one angle on top of the other then open and close your knees, I found this helped after I had ds!!

OTTMummA Sun 04-Nov-12 21:55:04

Glycerine suppository, but make sure you put the flat bit in first, works a lot better, and make sure it goes in deep wince smile should take about 10mins.

Arthurfowlersallotment Sun 04-Nov-12 21:55:05

Ooh I can still remember my first proper shit after having DD.

I thought my arse was falling out but I felt brilliant afterwards.

Jesus, I'm nostalgic over a dump.

Orange juice and lots of it.

<sigh>

Glycering suppositories.

Somebody should put something on the Review bit about 'What works for (severe) constipation':

Exercise
Water
Fresh orange juice/prune juice/prunes/dried apricots or similar
Allbran (all other so called 'high fibre' cereal is rubbish IMO)
Lactulose
Senna
Movicol/Laxido/Maloxole

All the above and still no joy after 2-3 days, and stabby arsey pain grin

GLYCERIN SUPPOSITORIES

Bisacodyl suppositories
Micralax enemas
Phosphate enema
High hot phosphate enema (think of legend, not sure that it would still be legal wink)

If what stops everything coming out is a hard cork of poo sitting just there and not budging, nothing you take by mouth will work. You need to treat the tail end.

<<promises herself to never reply to a constipation related thread ever again>>

Mintyy Sun 04-Nov-12 21:59:36

Pmsl at Ivor and the job interview grin.

Op - have you tried laxatives? Senokot, or the small round yellow pill whats it called dulco lax or ducoease or summat.

Or squat near the loo to get things moving but actually get on the pan just in time?

VoterColonelSebastianDoyle Sun 04-Nov-12 22:02:20

Ive been exactly the same yday and today. My nan gave me 2 senna tablets had a walk around ashton and low and behold i needed to go. Still had to force the bloody thing out but i did it after nearly turning myself inside out! Dont think the senna had time to work but i found if you sit really straight with your back against the cistern it really helped.(i heard this was the natural path of the "passage") Keep us informed and good luck! grin

HELPMyPooIsStuck Sun 04-Nov-12 22:02:24

I'm drinking kia ora orange juice.

scented lovely suggestion but I can't imagine why people don't decide to try shoving orange and passion fruit scented fingers up their shit filled arse, in other words I AM NOT SHOVING SHOWER GEL UP MY ARSE the thought of the resulting thrush up my jacksie would have me looking at my toothbrush in a whole, new light.

TheCunnyFuntWearingAPoppy Sun 04-Nov-12 22:03:43

Why is it, that whenever there is a poo thread people always jump in with 'It's the Poo troll!' ffs? What if the OP isn't the PT and these problems are genuine???

I know if I had constipation/the shits and I needed advice desperately I would feel really hurt if I got called a troll just because there just happens to be a poo troll on the site. I've been here a while now so I know how MN works, but if I was a newbie desperate for advice I wouldn't come back if I got called a troll.

OP I have no advice I'm afraid, but I just had to say what I just said. It fucks me right off when people do this angry

VoterColonelSebastianDoyle Sun 04-Nov-12 22:04:45

op you need pure oj not concentrate smile

McHappyPants2012 Sun 04-Nov-12 22:05:55

try a few ciders and a hot curry

Fakebook Sun 04-Nov-12 22:06:15

My favourite is drinking cold tropical juice first thing in the morning on an empty stomach.

You can also try orange juice and olive oil mixed together.

My dad swears by molasses mixed in hot milk.

(We're a family of constipationers)

Molepom Sun 04-Nov-12 22:06:32

I'VE GOT IT!

OP, imagine you are going back to school....

that's enough to make anyone shit themselves.

HecatePhosphorus Sun 04-Nov-12 22:10:37

go for a jog. Running gets the bowels moving.

I find

<sigh> the things I divulge on here grin

That clenching and unclenching repeatedly, as though you were trying to send it right back up your colon, can actually encourage the bugger to come out.

Failing that, as has been suggested upthread - order something on line.

Or arrange an important phone call.

Or arrange to be somewhere.

Or invite the vicar for tea.

Or bung up the toilet so it won't flush.

shockers Sun 04-Nov-12 22:11:59

I had a broccoli, blue cheese and walnut lasagne the other evening, after 3 days of no show.

It worked.

Subway, with their foot long butties has nothing on me grin.

Twice grin

DH wouldn't let me tell him (I tried repeatedly, but he stuck his fingers in his ears and went, lalalalalala)

So I'm telling you instead HELPMyPooIsStuck, because I'd like you to share my triumph.

Walnuts.

That should shift it.

shockers Sun 04-Nov-12 22:12:32

And a brisk walk.

Molepom Sun 04-Nov-12 22:12:51

Get someone to put a large house spider in the bathroom, the next time you sit on the lavvy I guarantee the bugger will come out when you can't move...this will be the time you wil...l um....release.

Molepom Sun 04-Nov-12 22:13:55

Oh don't say that Shockers....I've just eaten a load of walnuts and there's nowt wrong with me.

JoanBias Sun 04-Nov-12 22:15:09

Drink a bottle of cod liver oil.

chinley Sun 04-Nov-12 22:15:20

Apparently Twiglets are supposed to do the job.

HELPMyPooIsStuck Sun 04-Nov-12 22:18:39

I've never been bunged up before, poor ds does which is why I could nick his movicol, the child practically gets packed off to the loo with a tape measure and colour chart, and has a welcoming committee on his return eagerly wanting to know if he's 'been'

I now have a whole new respect for the boy.

CunnyFunt I agree, because of some poo smearing numpty us posters in genuine << cough >> rectal discomfort are now a targetted group. Poo holders have rights too ya know sad

NellyJob Sun 04-Nov-12 22:20:57

strong coffee and a fag and then squat on the seat.

HecatePhosphorus Sun 04-Nov-12 22:21:00

from which end, chinley?

HELPMyPooIsStuck Sun 04-Nov-12 22:21:07

See, a McDonalds always makes me go, had a tried and tested large big mac meal and strawberry milkshake earlier and had nothing, nada.

I'm now wondering if the consumption of another McDonalds will ease things along ?? hmm

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