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To worry that this *Could* destroy us before we really get started together? (Long)

(263 Posts)
Redline Wed 17-Oct-12 04:16:06

Hi Not sure how to put this as I'm a man & not used to but getting lots of practice of late via MN lol writing about my thoughts & emotions? But will give it a go so bear with me if I'm over-descriptive somewhat in what follows; I'm someone who is normally very unlucky in love & recently got out of the lower depths of Hell a Very bad relationship with a woman who was about as close to the personification of pure evil as can be imagined in one person - Unfortunately? I have a DS with this Creature of the night nasty woman so still have to talk to her & interact with her to bring him up as best we can?

Anyway I recently (This Feb') met another lady (on POF of All places) who is kind, erudite, caring, sensitive, pretty, lovely to talk to (& very nice to look at to wink ) & who is basically the antithesis of my ex-fiancee (yes I know what was I thinking being engaged to her blush ) Most importantly (for my battered heart & hers to as she's been through the mill somewhat also)? This lady likes me very much & Indeed sought me out on POF much to my undying shock at so gorgeous a creation thinking even slightly nice thoughts of me shock & we began (via FB & online & phone before a couple of eventual meetings that went well) what can only be described as an emotional affair with her & she eventually (after a rather rocky period where I made one very bad mistake & really upset her) told me she'd been falling in love with me.

Anyway? To cut a long story slightly shorter? This angel from above stunning lady whose singlehandedly restoring my faith in womankind? Is 36 to my 34 (as of this year) & so (surprisingly)? Is the first woman I've ever been involved with whose Older than me? Further? We both have one child (me a DS aged 3, she a DD aged 17) are both possessed of similarly sarcastic & very quick senses of humour, finish each others thoughts & sentences on the phone, just click some of the time & feel so right together thus far; I think we might have a long term future if our 'babysteps' towards a poss' relationship (her words & both our idea) come off in short?

Anyway this woman I've found myself falling for come to care a lot for? Is also as of this year around March/April time in a new job after previously being employed as a teacher for around 10 years until this year; I'm not sure but judging by some of the tones & words I've heard from her? (things like "don't feel sorry for me, it's my job, my choice, I'll get used to it, I think") I'm beginning to think that she maybe regrets moving into this job which as far as I know? Is that of a Family Support worker which brings me to the problems.

I am currently involved in a Vicious custody battle over my DS with the Bride of Dracula my ahem not nice ex' and have had all manner of untrue allegations & lies hurled at me both verbally & (eventually) in print in the form of both allegations in court applications & via solicitors letters from her (string of different) briefs; I have replied in kind a little but other than that? have no legal involvement in my life of any sort bar one visit from the police a year ago when we broke up & she lied & Tried to fit me up on a particular charge (which collapsed 2 weeks later & she later admitted lying about & apologised for). Anyway? My new (soon to be fingers crossed) Lady has got very upset re' her job context when I've spoken about what's gone on re' me & ex' & our son along the lines of "how can you put me in this position hearing all this - do you know what I deal with like that every day at work?" but then just to throw another spanner in the works?

She's recently told me when we begin our relationship proper (as opposed to our Current Emotional Affair/Long distance relationship? If 18 miles is long distance - feels like so much more) that I (due to her Job) will have to have extended CRB checks carried out not just on me but my entire family & even house If she were to be staying there regularly with me (even though only me & fortnightly my DS live there right now) further? That as long as any allegations are being maintained against me in Court? She can't deepen our relationship due to this as "I can't be with someone whose had allegations made against them";

Further? I've got a bit of a problem re' PK's due to an operation 7 years ago that almost killed me & left me basically dependent on them & she's told me "I can't be with someone whose dependent on PK's". She's suggested waiting until the case re' My DS is finished & then meeting up & seeing where we go as she's Admitted? Feeling really strongly for me despite all the recent proviso's & prepartory to this & me undergoing the CRB? She's recently started asking me How DS' case is going in certain aspects which I've been frank & open with her about but then? She's telling me later I tell her to much & put her in "impossible positions" again & all the while? I see my ex' parading man after man into & out of her & our Son's life whilst (partly) thanks to her & her F**king allegations? I can't even move on Slightly with a woman I've fallen for in a mahoosive big, big way;

Anyway my question is 4fold I guess? AIBU to Hate my ex' for doing the damage she is doing to me & this possible DP of mine by maintaining allegations that have no basis in reality just out of clear malice, spite & venom (which she's had aplenty for me for a while now; Funny how those we love can hate us so much & vice versa when it all goes wrong sad); Secondly AIBU to be not a little confused by (possible) new DP's differing reactions to me re' my DS case despite it's (possible) importance to us in the future or is she as confused about all this as I am? And lastly? AIBU to think she should be as honest with me as I've tried to be with her (she knew all about my problems when we got involved? I made no secret of them on POF and it was never an issue until her new job came about)? She's recently made noises & taken actions that make me think she's getting impatient for the case to end & us to get on & see how we are together or not? But I'm prepared to wait for her & I think we're a good match (she's Taurus & I'm Cancer & the starsigns match if nothing else LoL - Yes a man who believes in those - shocking I know shock).

Anyway basically? I've had one hell (with that being the operative word BTW) of a Bad time in my life with romance & this woman even at my age? Is someone who I just get the sense Might be the one & for the first time in my life? I think we Could have something together fingers crossed - I'm sometimes to honest & humble for my own good & sense that may have worked against me here but she did ask me not to lie & hide stuff from her by omission so I took her at her word & did my best to do just as she asked;

Anyhow 4th (& final) question? AIBU to put all I've got into trying to make this work & move on from my battered, ruined husk of a past lovelife to something happier at long, long last? Or am I just wasting my (& her=New DP's) time & it will all end yet again re' me in heartbreak & hurt all around? I'm so worried now that yet another relationship in RL I'm involved in will get shot down before it can even take off. I've let the drawbridge & barriers to my heart down one last time but don't know if? Babarians are going to storm & sack it yet again or I'll finally get the love story & fairytale ending I so have wanted for a long, long time now;

I'm so confused so if anyone can help/advise? I'll appreciate it (& them) lots. I guess in the final analysis? I think really like this Lady (& Know she does me) &? I Really want it to work with her so I'm not in the wrong to not want us destroyed as a couple before we even get started am I? Actually in fact? Scrap what I just said - I don't like her - I'm in love with her - there I've admitted it. It's not wrong of me to want to save & build on that is it? I'm so confused & worried for our future together if that is future there will even be? Right now I just don't know & that really worries me as I've let down all my defences for her & don't want to be hurt again.

Yes I admit it LoL I'm a romantic at heart as you prob' knew from the first paragraph all guessed by now but? Even we have our limits & I? Feel I'm at mine now - One more nasty shock disastrous Relationship of the sort my hearts had all to often in life? Well If that happens? yet again? Then Let's just say I fear it Will finish me with women forever & if only for this lady & what I feel for her as well as my hopes of going on to raise my DS with a lady I love who loves me by my side & just being Happy with her? Well let's just say I really don't want that to happen so for me? I guess now? Is all or nothing time. Here goes nothing..........

Sorry for the length - fire away & again? I will really appreciate any (& all) help & advice so I'm not diving blind as it were (re' the "here goes" bit).

Anyway thanks for taking time to read this & take Care all.

Redline.

bragmatic Wed 17-Oct-12 04:30:48

You're going to have to shorten that. and leave out all the random segues and crossed out bits because they really aren't endearing

NapOfTheDamned Wed 17-Oct-12 04:39:11

I am concerned about your child.

What is it like for him to have his dad categorizing his mother as
Pure evil
Creature of the night
Bride of Dracula

And to have you calling your new GF an angel from above restoring your faith in womankind....otherwise you will finish with women forever

Equally ludicrous.

This is not romance, this is immaturity and self aggrandizement.
Grow up. It's not all about you. There is a child involved.

Your relationship with his mum failed: you owe it to him to be kind, dignified and grown up, not histrionic and self pitying.

You relationship with another woman is not progressing as fast as you'd like, well, deal with it. If it is strong enough to last,it will cope with a few delays in getting off the ground.

I think you need to have a think about what love means.

Redline Wed 17-Oct-12 04:39:11

Sorry - just crossed out & added bits as I went? Will see what I can do;

Hyperballad Wed 17-Oct-12 04:45:46

Redline, any reason for starting this new thread instead of continuing the one from a few days ago?

It looks like exactly the same post to me?

Proudnscary Wed 17-Oct-12 04:46:12

Jesus Christ if you actually speak in such flowery, irritating, longwinded, seven-words-when-one-will-do, self-obsessed, bitter, OTT, delusional, cringey language in RL - and call women 'ladies' - then this is what could 'destroy' your relationship with your new angel lady from above...and probably what destroyed your relationship with the 'bride of dracula'.

Softlysoftly Wed 17-Oct-12 04:54:49

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Redline Wed 17-Oct-12 04:57:51

The reason I wrote that stuff about her Nap? Is because she was (& is) truly evil to me; She (& Her second most recent) BF made death threats against me & my family; She has attacked me & my mother in the street on her doorstep; Done something to me several times that can only be described as female on male R*pe; Committed a Lot of acts of DV on me & beat the hell out of me several times whilst Knowing that due to the operation I had? If I got hit in a certain place? I could Die as I have 2 steel plates in my face; I didn't have a good time with ladies before her but I fell for my ex' originally & spent 6 years with her - I loved her so much & looked after her half the time as she had learning difficulties, trusted people to easily & often ended up in bad situations (lost or in the middle of nowhere with me On the phone guiding her home or working with her parents & the police to get her home safe). I am trying to be dignified & grown up in our court dealings over our child;

I have said nothing & communicated through our briefs - I have attended & she has sabotaged 3 times mediation with her; She & her mother have both said they will not sit in the same Room as me & my family for no reason other than they hate us & our whole family; They have accused me of wanting to kill or hurt my child & I have numerous times had reasons to be concerned when he's returned to me from her with numerous unexplained marks & bruises; I have alerted SS to this numerous times; The list is endless & today when i finally read the final SS report on all this? I found she had often dumped my son on her new BF & let him take care of my son instead of her (cooking, washing, taking to school etc) I also found that sometimes in all this? She had been so drunk (drunk 3 bottles of wine in one go once?) That she was paralytic while my son was there? So I'm right to be not a little concerned no? Also during all that? I didn't see my son due to her (for no reason at all) stopping contact with him for 4 months & 1 week which took in mine & his birthdays & fathers day. I may be a little hurt by all that & thus inclined to be very angry at her yes but it's only on here I say stuff like that & vent give light to some of my true feelings NapoftheDamned - in RL? I often tell our boy "mummy & daddy love you" & ask her to "kiss him goodnight from us both" I'm as civil as I can be to her but? She's hurt me terribly & my whole family to of late (*They*?) didn't see my son for 5 months before we finally sorted out something at court that's ongoing in his case & now? She's trying to ruin that to.

I maybe am a little overdramatic re' my new GF I just feel that I don't want to be kicked in the teeth again as some of my most promising R'ships in the past? Have gone horribly wrong & if it happens again here? I don't know what I'll do though finishing with women? Is prob' not on that list as I was once alone for 4 years & will not do that again. I'm not self-aggrandizing though I admit I might be immature somewhat as other than my ex' & another ex-fiancee before her & (Maybe) this new lady? I've had few long term r'ships in real life so maybe haven't developed as much as I Could of done I know that & having so nearly died 7 years ago (I woke up after the op' went wrong having lost 2 pints of blood & only able to move my little finger? I had to learn to walk, talk, eat, shave the lot from scratch). I maybe lost a little time to develop as quickly as others my age.

Again? I am trying to be kind, dignified & grown up re' my son in my dealings with his mum & I acknowledge our relationship failed badly due to both of us not just her or me alone. All the overtures for peace in this saga re' my son? Have come from me & all? Have been ignored except when they surrender to what she wants & even then? She soon goes back on what is agreed as & when it suits her & her family but complains the minute We? Have a fingernail out of place. I don't pity myself - Just tend to view things after what happened to me 7 years ago in very Strong terms most especially emotions when in my former life before that? I prob' couldn't have cared less about them - now? I take everything each day that I get & try to live it as though It's my last. Sorry if that makes me histronic or overdramatic - I try not to be but maybe come across that way.

I'm not fussed re' my relationship with this other woman progressing slowly - In fact? I prefer that as I often get shy & frightened when progressing with women & become unsure of myself; I'm dealing with it as best I can - I was just asking if I was right to consider all those factors & dislike those behind one of them was all. I did say I was confused no? I fully agree re' if it's strong enough it (our relationship) will cope & get through delays in getting off the ground. I couldn't have put that better myself Miss.

I know what I think love means; I think it means when you & another person are totally at ease with & around & talking to one another . When you think about each other lots; When you're as happy holding hands & cuddling as you are sleeping together etc When you're so in tune? You finish each others sentences, when your thoughts & manners are similar but different when your two halves of the same whole. I think love? Is when you just feel right & click In your head (& theirs) with the person you're with & you (& they) Just Know you belong together. That's what I think love is & I think it's something some people? Are Very lucky to ever find in their lives & that others? Are much the poorer for never having known at all.......

I hope that explains me a little better NapOfTheDamned & sorry if I wrote a little OTT earlier? I had a couple of nasty shocks today & suppose a bit of the anger at my ex' re' our son (who these shocks concerned) was still there & came out when I wrote. As I said? I hope this explains me better & you realise some of why I wrote as I did not that excuses me in the overdramatics stakes...........

Redline Wed 17-Oct-12 05:00:03

Hyperballad? Probably - I found out a few things that really shocked & upset me today & suppose I wanted to somehow include them in there/here.

Sorry proud'n'scary - I've been told I'm to descriptive at times by others; Will have to work on that. Softlysoftly? As I said just now? I was prob' a bit angry/not thinking straight when I wrote that.

Hyperballad Wed 17-Oct-12 05:10:20

Eeek! I can't work out what's new in your post! All seems the same! If you want some continuation of advice it's probably worth posting the new stuff in your old thread. I suggest this as you seemed to have some posters genuinely trying to give you some advice on your last thread.

I am though with the others on here, your language makes me feel nauseous although that could be because it reminds me a but of how my first ever boyfriend wrote. Yuk, cringe!

Redline Wed 17-Oct-12 05:14:47

Look sorry If I appear & sound confused re all this? I am confused you're prob'right in some ways NapoftheDamned - I do need to learn (by thinking about it) what love is & means to me - I've done my best to describe how I feel for this new GF to you & think that's what Love feels like - I guess I just want to be happy & I'm not getting any younger so was just asking for advice on how to best keep that happiness was all? I've been hurt terribly & treated very badly by someone I thought I Really Loved & Did love enough to have a child with in the past & despite it all? I am Very grateful to her for the son she gave me & always will be;

I just wish she wouldn't be acting like she hates me & mine So much & doing her level best to make me submit to all she wants in relation to our child & doing her level best to Not negotiate bar when I totally submit &/or she can blacken/damage me & My familys names is all; I suppose I do hate her now for what she's done/is doing but I have almost never shown that in front of DS - I'm fully aware of what effect it would have on him & have been to several parenting courses that have reinforced that fact so I know very well the necessity of him Not seeing what me & his mum think of each other now. As to me? Basically I just want to be happy & feel very confused right now. Is that so wrong? I've never been happy in love with someone for a long time (& it has nothing to do with how fast a r'ship progresses - rather how solid it feels); I just want that happiness & it to last & that is why I wrote on here. I hope that explains me a bit better.

Redline Wed 17-Oct-12 05:17:22

Sorry Hyper' I just believe & was brought up in being polite to women & thus sometimes call them ladies - I prob' read far to many historical novels with that sort of language in to lol I'm a real book fanatic so prob' sound a little old-fashioned idiotic at times. The new bits are what I found about the CBR checks & what I found out re' the SS & my ex' being drunk around our child as well as the True extent of how many allegations she's hurled at me via the courts of late & How Much they're holding me & the new GF up. Hold on - will look up my old thread. Thanks for talking

Redline Wed 17-Oct-12 05:20:53

Yes see what you mean now Hyper - sorry should have prob' put this in the old (Sept'?) thread. Didn't realise was to lazy to look that one was about; I might put some of this stuff in that then later. Am a little tired now so will prob' make a warm cuppa - listen to the rain launching down in our local town (yet again) on the windows & try to sleep for a few hours before dawn & our last but one Court Date re' my boy tomorrow/later today. Thanks for answering Miss.

corblimeymadam Wed 17-Oct-12 05:25:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chubfuddler Wed 17-Oct-12 05:42:14

You've got one hell of a madonna/whore complex going on there.

Strawhatpirate Wed 17-Oct-12 05:44:32

Have you at any point contacted the police when your xp attacked you? I think you are setting yourself up for a fall by thinking of the new lady as angelic and a creature of pure elemental good. She has flaws like everyone else. The real world isn't like dungeons and dragons in which you can just asign someone an alignment. For instance xp is chaotic evil, new dp is neutral good.

Strawhatpirate Wed 17-Oct-12 05:46:32

Exactly Chubfuddler! The entire thing seems a bit histrionic

Redline Wed 17-Oct-12 05:46:46

I agree re' the take a breath Belgian - I suppose? I didn't just come onto MN to talk (though I do a lot of that) I know I have problems emotionally am a bit of an emotional Child in truth? I suppose I came on here to learn also - I'm impatient, have trouble moving on from the past at times, use to many words to articulate myself & use random emphasis - all of which I've been told here & will now work on - I guess I came on as much to learn as anything else?

I need to learn to chill out & as you say "don't ramble, spend time with her etc" & it will "fall into place if meant to?" see you can say in about 9 words what I can't in 9 paragraphs? (shakes head); I'm starting to see I think that only I can ensure my own future happiness whereas before? It used to be me thinking it did depend on others (& clearly still is at times).

Takes breath & composes self

My sons future happiness? What do you think I should do then? As I've said? I've made many sensible suggestions re' him to the ex' & had them all rejected out of hand - I've not for a Long time now expressed what I really think of her in public never mind in front of my son, I've done my level best to work with her &? She's thrown it all back in my face; I just want my boy to live with her if she's going to be his primary carer as she's indicated - see me at agreed times between the two of us that cannot be messed with & be happy with his mummy & his daddy. Simple concept no? It's us the parents that are making it hard.............And breathe.

Don't mind if I do Belgian biscuit and wine (sips guiltily & munches biscuit) TY for those Miss; You know I think more than other stuff? I think I need to find my sense of humour once more - I'm to serious at times or I think I sound like that no? I'm learning here a lot about myself & others; Slowly but? I am learning & more? I'm enjoying the process so will say thanks MN so far.

Redline Wed 17-Oct-12 05:50:59

As I said Chubfuddler? I was a bit angry still when I wrote the original post here; In truth? I'm not quite as angry at the ex' as I indicated then - I was just very angry at her about something & I do have doubts re' the new lady Strawhatpirate - hence things going slowly as much by me as her - There's at least one thing about her flaw in her nature I've noticed that could spell trouble if things advance.

I know re' the dungeons & dragons thing - I've just tended to have feelings at one extreme or the other in the past 7 years is all but in the end? They settle in the middle normally edging towards one way or the other. I was a bit OTT in the first post I get that - I've calmed down & can be a bit more dispassionate now.

And re' the XP & the police? Yes a couple of times. I most certainly have.

As I've said? Sorry if I sound childish/extreme at times in my feelings? I guess I'm learning how to be emotionally mature in a way many other people did long ago - I had a long time out recovering a while back so am still catching up in some ways. MN has helped me a lot in that respect whilst opening my eyes and making me ashamed of my sex in certain others.

peedoffbird Wed 17-Oct-12 06:06:00

Why is everyone being so harsh? OP your first post was a nightmare but your others have been more heartfelt if still too long. If the factual stuff he says about his ex is true then she is pretty grim and this is possible! He sounds caring and emotionally literate if a bit over romantic but that is no crime. Yet again another case of treating a man differently because he is a man.

Redline Wed 17-Oct-12 06:07:29

BTW? I don't think of the ex' as a creature of darkness - just a misguided girl child woman who whilst when she's good is or can appear to be? Very good? When she's bad? Goes totally off the rails & whose temper & actions swing wildly between those two in RL - I know my feelings seem like that to but the crucial difference is? I don't Act that way in RL; There's still things I admire about her - she's a truly fantastic cook for instance & has a very nice way with little ones when she wants to play with/work with them but the negatives? More than outweigh all that more's the pity......

Equally? I don't think of the new woman as a creature of pure light & elemental good - that was probably my overactive imagination heart & the true warmth of my feelings for her (whose strength is surprising even me so long is it since I felt like this) speaking somewhat over common sense. She's clever, pretty & very nice to talk to/get on with yes but? She has a bit of a temper & does not like being questioned (that flaw I mentioned earlier?) either. So yes I know she's just human - they both are; They're not perfect anymore than I or you are; None of us are - it's what Makes us unique individuals.

Anyway? I just think if I get the chance? I'll enjoy learning about the new Lady & growing into whatever it is we're building together hand in hand & walking into our future together is all & that? Is all I really want - to be quiet & happy & bring my son up as best I can for a good few years & work with the ex' to give my son the best most stable & rewarding upbringing we can despite all the bad blood - I know I seem extreme at times when writing on here when not clear-headed but in truth? That is how I feel behind it all & always have..............

Breathes & sips wine again. Baby steps as the new lady would (& does) say.

Strawhatpirate Wed 17-Oct-12 06:08:11

Make sure you keep contacting the police! it will be of vital importance because then you can show a pattern of behavior. My stepfather went through a very long and messy custody battle with his unstable xw so I know these things are absolutely horrendous. Please try and focus! Ultimately things will either work out with "new lady" or not. If they don't I'm sure you'll find someone lovely but this time inbetween angel and hellspawn.

Redline Wed 17-Oct-12 06:15:57

TY Peedoffbird - I'm not going to have a go at anyone as I recognise my first post was bad but hope they can be reasonable with me thereafter as despite being overdescriptive? I did try & be a little more evenhanded;

Anyway? I'm glad you are being reasonable to me Miss. Yes I'm an over-romantic & I often think I do care to much in RL - 'tis one of my weaknesses I think. And yes the ex' is every bit as bad as I said at her very worst - The factual stuff was all true sad; At times? She's been much, much worse in fact; Grim? Doesn't come close to describing her. But I loved her very much once; I still regret the loss of our happy little family sometimes though more for my son now than due to missing her but still? It's a terrible shame it came to this.

Suppose it's summed up by something that happened earlier this year? I was invited to a couple of friends wedding (to each other) in the summer which would had we stayed together? Have been a double wedding with me & the ex' after all 4 of us got engaged 2 & a half years ago? Gutted doesn't come close to how upset I was that day not going & knowing the wedding was happening without ours? So yes I think deep down? I still feel something for my child's mother & always will sad sad;

Treating me differently as a man? I don't know - I've had some very nice responses on here before but not many angry or questioning ones so suppose I was overdue a bit of a tonguelashing somewhere down the line; Still I'll take my medicine - 'tis the ways of learning MN & emotionally growing up no? And I've still got much to learn I know that....

TY again anyway Miss; Means a lot to read your words POB. thanks

Redline Wed 17-Oct-12 06:21:15

TY for telling me that Strawhatpirate - I will do as you say then & keep the pattern logged with the police though I don't See her much in person now bar when picking up/dropping off DS? Is mainly barrages I get down the phone or via FB rather than the horrendous batterings I used to take in person from her when she Knew I wouldn't hit back until one day? I did & then? I knew we had to break up - and a few months later? I made damn sure we did. TY for telling me re' your SF - I recognise these battles are horrendous to (as the one I'm in is proving right now);

I'm totally focused right now on completing the court case re' my son & setting all contact in stone now however she tries to sabotage it & yes the SS & police do have details of how she's attacked me in the past & the SW in his report? Recommended not only that my contact be set in stone but further? Joint Residence re' DS between me & her so I think as much as he Can be? He's on my/our families side. After that as Belgian said earlier? I'll spend time with the new lady & see where things go after we talk & meet a bit more. If not? As you say I'm sure someone lovely but more inbetween will be there somewhere. 'tis just a matter of finding her..........

Thanks for replying & taking time to talk to me Miss; I appreciate it thanks

Proudnscary Wed 17-Oct-12 06:21:18

Oh give us a break peedoff - was just waiting for someone to start bleating about posters treating men differently.

I'd feel/say exactly the same if it was a woman talking waxing lyrical about her new 'saintly knight in shining armour' (not to mention the bolding, strikeouts, question marks) in an over-long, self-absorbed way.

It is ludicrous, dangerous and entirely unhelpful to see partners/potential partners as either the devil incarnate or angels of purity and light.

And, err, got anything useful to advise the OP rather than berating responses, since you are so concerned about him?

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