...to challenge the guy I have been dating for six months

(205 Posts)
Poppysquad Sat 13-Oct-12 23:22:39

I noticed that the third item on the 'History' on his iPad was a married affairs website. He claimed that this was from ages ago before he met me, which I am pretty sure is rubbish. He has put the phone down on me, saying that I was just a jealous woman and was upsetting him. We are both in our fifties!

SoleSource Wed 17-Oct-12 23:20:22

thete might be someone put tbere fpr ypu Poppy. First off all feel OK about yourself and love yourself. It is a cliche to some but true. Switch tbe focus from looking for a man to love, get to know who you are, what you love and what you really wang in life and what you want and will not stand for in a mans persobality/actions. It is early days and natural/understandable you feel the way you do. It might go on for some time. Try a new therapist/theapy?

Poppysquad Wed 17-Oct-12 23:00:01

Do you really think that there are decent 50 plus year old men out there? Ones that will accept a slightly dumpy woman who isn't always pert and perfect. I have been reading the Plankton Blog. Its depressing. She seems to have come to the conclusion that there are so few decent guys out there

SoleSource Wed 17-Oct-12 21:57:33

Yeah, try stuff. Voluntary work?

Poppysquad Wed 17-Oct-12 21:36:16

Thanks SoleSource I will check it out

SoleSource Wed 17-Oct-12 20:44:19

www.meetup.com

The above site is excellent. You can start your own group too.

"I do need to get out". I really hope you do - You'll feel so much better for a change of scenery. Sitting in the house feeling gloomy isn't good for anyone.

Poppysquad Wed 17-Oct-12 20:30:34

I think I lived with an unsuitable husband for years. I was on my own for over twelve months before I dated anyone. I left well alone, and I know I dont need a man to define myself. I do worry though about DS leaving home though and being a lonely old bat in the house on her own.

I do need to get out. I feel very mistrustful of dating websites at the moment.

My lifestyle doesn't really allow for a dog. My DS would love one but I do work away from home quite a bit and there's no one I can really leave a dog with. Maybe the Cinnamon Trust might work for DS and me.

DS is back from rugby, it has an amazing way of enforcing normality

"It was my fault then? I couldn't cope? I am too demanding? I can't trust anyone?"

He was looking for sex with married women! He doesn't want commitment. He was happy to bob along with you while you weren't rocking the boat but how long could that have carried on for? Even the happiest couples have the odd row.

"I couldn't cope" Cope with what? With having to put up and shut up? Not a case of "couldn't". Should be a case of WON'T.

"I am too demanding" Nothing you've written here leads me to that conclusion. He was looking for other women and you miss him? If anything you're not demanding enough. After six months together expecting an exclusive relationship with him is not unreasonable.

As for not trusting anyone - well who can blame you. But doesn't trust have to be earned? You said earlier that he didn't share a lot of himself. If he was being guarded then why should you be trusting? It does work both ways.

You don't really miss 'him'. Not the real him anyway.

I understand that you miss the attention but he was also looking for other women. Married women. You weren't getting his full attention.

I'm on my ipad now - when I touch the search bar in the top right corner all my latest searches come up. Not alphabetically but in the order I looked for them so the last thing I looked for is at the top. If I type a letter in, 'M' for example, it comes up with the things I've searched for beginning with M and then popular seaches beginning with M. MSN and Macy's is there. So, if the dating site search you saw was third from the top then it's very likely that it was a recent search.

You're coming across as if you're prepared to put up with an unsuitable man rather than be alone - do you think that might be the case? Can you get out and about a bit more? Are there many social activities where you are? The more people you meet the more chance there is of meeting someone you're compatible with.

Oh, and if it's his dog you miss I can lend you one - I've got six here! Seriously though, if you have time for a dog then they're great companions and they get you out every day and you'll soon make friends with other dog walkers and lots of people will stop you to stroke your dog and for a chat. If you haven't got time for a dog then you could contact the Cinnamon Trust and they'll put you in touch with local people that need help walking their dogs. They may be ill or disabled and without volunteers to walk their dog the dog would have to be re-homed. Something to think about anyway.

Poppysquad Wed 17-Oct-12 20:01:53

I don't know which version is real anymore. Me, the unreasonable, demanding person, or him the potentially two timing liar. I am really struggling

Poppysquad Wed 17-Oct-12 19:57:46

It was my fault then? I couldn't cope? I am too demanding? I can't trust anyone?

"Tears. Thankfully DS is out for an hour or so. I reread his note to me again. It all sounds so reasonable, so measured. It's not horrid at all, he admits its as much to do with him not being able to deal with my insecurities"

Why don't you delete his emails? You're just upsetting yourself by going over them and trying to read between the lines. No matter how nicely it was written or how much of the blame he has taken himself it's still a 'Dear John'.

He told you not to contact him. How dare he! He said you had to wait for him to contact you. Self important prat! Then he writes again to tell you he doesn't want to see you again and doesn't want to try and mantain a friendship. He can't really make it any clearer.

I know it's hard - I think we've all liked someone more than they've liked us at some point or been dumped when we really thought the relationship was going somewhere. There's nothing you can do! Somewhere out there is someone that you're more suited to. This wally has done you a favour because now you can get out there and meet him.

Poppysquad Wed 17-Oct-12 19:45:17

I miss him. I miss the attention. I miss the comfort of knowing someone out there cares. I miss being in someone's arms. I miss being able to call him on my way home. I miss his bloody dog!

No! Don't go round there.

What can you possibly gain from it other than looking unhinged? You may enjoy the little rant while you're in the moment but once the adrenaline's worn off you'll feel like a wally. That's if you even get the chance to get three words out. He may well say he has said all he wants to say and shut the door on you. Then what? Yell through the letter box? Drive off with your tail between your legs?

Just stay put. It might be a good idea to tell your friends that you're not really interested in whether or not he's at home, doing his shopping or flying to Jupiter for the weekend.

As things stand he has no idea how your feel. Leave him guessing! If you go round there and get upset or start shouting the odds he'll think he's had a lucky escape. This way you're displaying a dignified silence.

Poppysquad Wed 17-Oct-12 19:26:46

Tears. Thankfully DS is out for an hour or so. I reread his note to me again. It all sounds so reasonable, so measured. It's not horrid at all, he admits its as much to do with him not being able to deal with my insecurities

SHIT Everything is going backwards again. I feel totally heart broken

Poppysquad Wed 17-Oct-12 19:19:30

Just had yet another wobble. A friend drove past his house and texted me to say he's at home. So tempted to call round and confront him. I want to tell him that its no wonder I was unsettled when he kept so much from me. I am writing this now rather than contacting him. I am so tempted though. When my friend sent the text to tell me I quaked....

CuriousMama Wed 17-Oct-12 08:32:59

smile It's good when we have friends like this.

RosemaryHoyt Wed 17-Oct-12 00:43:01

Fwiw my iPad history is:

Mumsnet
Register self employed
Pinking shears
eBay
Emma bridgewater eBay
Blanket stitch
Length of child foot size 7

Nothing there about NSA anything. Bogey was bang on. Agree with controlling behaviour analysis. Good luck. It's ok to be by yourself than with someone like that.

Bogeyface Wed 17-Oct-12 00:28:34

Thats great smile

Call her again whenever you have a wobble. Did she say that you are well rid? I bet she did, trust her smile

That's great news Poppy!

Of course you'll have a wobble now and again, he treated you appallingly. Your girlfriends will get you through this and in a week or two you won't give him another thought.

Just keep busy and fill any free time with friends.

Good luck. smile

Poppysquad Wed 17-Oct-12 00:03:19

Thanks again! I am truly taking on board all your comments

The fact that I've not posted tonight is good news. After a devastating few minutes in the car on the way home, tears, shaking, sobs, I called a girl friend who had offered to be there, anytime.

She came over and we had a great time. Talked about the situation, your posts, life in general. Laughing, joking. I feel so much better. I can't claim that the self doubts and tears wont come back, but they've gone for now.

Poppysquad, it seems to me that you think everything is your responsibility. That if a relationship works or not is down to you. I can only assume that this way of thinking is a legacy of your "sham of a marriage where I dared not challenge my ex husband in case he'd leave me and my son". Please, please, don't torture yourself this way. It is NOT your responsibility. It takes two to form a relationship, and if one party is a lying weasel then there is NOTHING that the other part can do to make it work, no matter how softly they tread on those eggshells. At best they can delay the inevitable.

You've already travelled that road, and it's really not in your interests to do so again. There are nice men out there, please don't waste your precious time on another worthless man. Remember - you are NOT responsible for this relationship not working, he is.

Anniegetyourgun Tue 16-Oct-12 10:13:53

Given that he was cheating on you, surely it would be more of a failure on your part to trust him? If "maintaining a relationship" with him required you to put on your blinkers and pretend to yourself that nothing is going on, when you know deep down that it is, that is too high a price to pay just to have male company. It is a recipe for madness and will make you not just mentally but physically ill in time.

It is his fault for lying to you, not your fault for finding out. He was talking to you about how very devoted he was to you alone, nobody else would get a look-in, all lovely words, but it was proven to be a bare-faced lie. How can you even believe you should trust a man like that? Just think for a moment how skewed that is. It's the way you had to think to get by with your ex, and that wasn't very good for you. This one may be less of an up-front bastard but he's still a liar and a cheat. There is no happy ending to be had with one of those, unless and until he gives up his cheating ways - not you give up your grasp on reality.

Bogeyface Tue 16-Oct-12 08:43:31

You couldnt maintain a relationship with him, because he wasnt in the relationship.

He was still going on the dating site you met him on, he didnt need to do that to reply to people, he could have deactivated his account or put something to that effect on his profile and ignored messaged, he didnt. He was looking at a married affairs website, and got extremely snotty when you asked him about it. He didnt need to do that. Just a simple "Oh I saw it on X program and had a look!" or whatever.

His behaviour has proved that his is ALL HIM. There is nothing you could have done apart from lie down and let him walk all over you.

As I said, you couldnt keep the relationship going because you were the only one committed to it, and that is his failing, not yours.

HE FAILED, HE WILL ALWAYS FAIL! YOU DID NOT FAIL.

Aspiemum2 Tue 16-Oct-12 08:23:10

It's not as if he was gorgeous or a great catch.................

So why were you with him? You do deserve someone that you're attracted to you know. Please don't settle, which is what you were doing. Don't sell yourself short, you can and will do better but only when you're ready

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