Mumsnet Talk

Ok I am absolutely prepared to get flamed and be told that IABU.

My dds dance and do festival dances -basically dance competitions.

I work pt and put a lot of time and money into their hobby which they absolutely love.

I have no queries with the amount of time I spend at festivals, in fact I love it. I enjoy relaxing and chatting to other mums. I have made lots of friends and enjoy watching the dances etc etc.

Anyway when my dd1 did a ballet dance I had no choice but to have a tutu made. It cost a lot (for me)and I will not sell it as it holds sentimental value and one day I am hoping dd2 will wear it. It no longer fits dd1.

As more children are doing festival dances the ballet teacher asked me to bring in dd1's tutu to show the other girls and give them the number of the dressmaker. This was in November.
Several people asked me if I woukld sell them the tutu, I replied that it is not for sale. No probs.
Another girl who is doing a ballet dance, told dd how much she liked the tutu. I told my dd to let her know that it wasn't for sale, but I would be leaving the dressmakers details with the dance teacher.

Now today my dd has said can this girl borrow her tutu as even though she has known for 6 months that she needs her own tutu, she hasn't bothered to get one!!! This girl is 14, almost 15.

I am annoyed for the following reasons and initially told dd no she can buy her own like I had to:

Why has she left it until the week before to ask?
Why has her mother not got one sorted-this is not something you can usually buy off the peg and the dance teacher has told her this.
Why does she assume that because I won't sell it I will in fact let her use it for free.

What is getting to me is that her mother has a very good professional job and drives around in a massive car which I could never afford to run.
Btw I don't dislike her or her mother but find it very very cheeky and feel like she has put my dd in a very awkward position.

The tutu cannot be washed either so it isn't like I am lending her a pair of machine washable trousers.

She would need it more than once as "She hasn't got the time now to have hers made."

Am I being completely unreasonable about this to feel bloody put on.

I also told dd that really this girl's mother should have initially asked me in which case I would feel fine saying actually no it isn't for sale.

The other thing that occurs to me is that this girl "borrows" her other outfits from the dance studio.

Sorry for the long post.

we had a few that my mum kept and our children use them now for dressing up. definitely would not sell or loan them for that reason alone!

Blimey I think you need to chill out

Maybe the girl just can't find another one as nice as your DD's one or maybe her Mum forgot.

Lend it or don't. Is it really that big a deal?

YABTU. Say no by all means, its fine...blimey, she only asked!

I understand why you feel upset, just say no, it has sentimental value so it is not available to borrow or buy. It's not your problem if the girl doesn't have an outfit in time.

Just say no; it's pretty simple.

The thing is worr my dd has been in tears this morning because i apparently abu.
If some asks has anyone got a tutu for my dd then I am absolutely fine saying no but they haven't directly asked me hence my anger.

Appreciate I may be overreacting though!!!

The girl is going with the pathnof least resistance, she saw a ready made coveted tutu by her teacher and it is much easier for her to get that in her mind.

She should get lean on her mum not your dd, she should get the dressmaker number and get her own tutu sorted, it's easy laziness, tightfistedness or entitlement.

Learn to boost your dd so she is not made to feel bad by her teacher and peers.

YANBU - just say 'No, I'm sorry, it's not for sale, hiring or borrowing - it has too much sentimental value to us' END OF. If she ruins it you will be very upset. The fact she hasn't sorted one out is her problem, she must be able to hire one from a professional outfit and if not, tough, maybe it will teach them both a lesson they need to learn.

So she also normally borrows her dance outfits from studio.
Just because mum drives a nice car and has a gold job it doesn't mean they have money to spend, some live to their very means.
If you don't want to lend it, don't. Maybe you should ask dd, it is afterall her tutu

You need to say that the tutu is neither for sale nor for lending. Make sure that DD1 understands this too.

Hide the tutu (lockable suitcase?) and stick to your guns.

YANBU at all! I've a 14 year old dancer (exam day today!) and know the time and expense involved with tutus/exam wear /show costumes and never have and never will allow them to be loaned out.
Fortunately dd is very sentimental over her tutus so it's not been an issue but I'm behind you all the way

Is this girl bullying your daughter? your daughters reaction seems a bit overwrought, unless this other child is continuously pressing her for it.

Your daughter sounds lovely and very compassionate if she's upset that you won't allow her to lend her tutu out.

YABU to let your kids do those horrendous festivals which are all about the parents and teachers bitching about each other

Tell your DD that is as may be, but it's your decision and the answer is no. She might not appreciate it now, but she will when she's older and it hasn't been trashed by someone else. Tell her that if the girl wont accept 'My Mum said 'no'' that she should get her Mum to ring you. Don't be bullied into this by your DD or this other girl. It's something that's important to you, it doesn't matter what it is or whether anyone else agrees that it's an important thing.

Thanks for the replies.
I did tell dd that this girl's mum must speak to me.
I am angry like I said because dd is a people pleaser, I on the other hand can see the bigger picture and won't do things to make people like me.
I feel for dd though as I don't want her in this postion at all, hence why I told her straight off to let this girl know that it wasn't for sale.
Unfortunately she has persisted in trying to get it and made dd cry over it. Grrrrrrr.

My son did festivals so no need for tutus just tights and a tunic. Now i have dd doing it i have learned to make them Yanbu at all they are expensive and flimsy just say no and tell dd the same.

Festival Mums are abreed unto themselves though.

You are not being unreasonable, however you are stressing out about this too much - just say a polite no, and hand over the dressmakers details. (Say it now belongs to DD2 and she isn't happy to lend it, if you want to give a reason)

It's an expensive handmade item, that's difficult to clean. It's not your problem the other girl doesn't have anything.

It's funny how ALL the parents I know who send their kids to those festivals say "yes the other parents are awful and bitchy but we just keep ourselves to ourselves"

Right everyone but you, oh and you and you...sorry I just think it's money down the drain probably better spend on something more constructive or less bitchy.

I think the tutu is really your daughter's, not yours, and she has said the girl can borrow it.

Hedgeblog Not always if they enjoy it which they do,and ds is now in west end so not actually a waste.It needs to be kept in perspective thats all whch many cannot do.The day one of mine sulks if they dont win they will stop immediately.

if you are not happy never to see something again, never lend it.

BUT- whilst YANBU not to lend it, YABU to get so het up about it. In some families, people are brought up with the idea that "it does no harm to ask"

other people are brought up to find it extremely difficult and stressful to say no.

sounds like you may be coming at it from different ends of the spectrum to me.

and as the kid involved is 14/15, the mother may have been asking the child for months whether she has asked your dd, because she doesnt want to go buy unless she has to.

you have said no, forget it and move on.

Euro hick, did you see op has a younger daughter who can use it, and they are fragile and expensive?