Mumsnet Talk

My friend has been diagnosed with CFS. Over the past 6 months or so she's been struggling with tiredness. She's had blood tests which found nothing, she's looked into herbal medicine and so on. A couple of weeks ago the GP said it's CFS.

During the past few months she has become more and more self absorbed. She is single, she wants to meet someone and have a family and is feeling the pressure as she's in her late 30s. Along with this taking up much of our conversations, she talks constantly about her tiredness, or just other aspects of her life. Almost nothing about me, except on a couple of occasions some bitter digs about how parents are so rude/thoughtless/whatever. I'm sympathetic but beginning to get sick of it. I'm also sad about it because we have been great mates. I try, I really do, but my frustration with her is getting the better of me.

If she was to ask me I'd say I think it's depression or stress by another name with sleepy side-effects, but if I so much as hint at that I get the brush off. In my view, she needs a serious amount of counselling to deal with the trauma of losing both her parents when she was young and various other issues that have come up along the way. She has barely had a proper relationship - the last one was 12 years ago. That the CFS might be in anyway be a MH issue is a non-starter with her.

So AIBU? Is this CFS absolutely out of my friend's hands? And at what point am I allowed to say, 'I've done my duty as a mate and listened to how hard it is not being able to get up until noon. Now I'm fed up with your jellyfish comments about the evils of 'screaming babies' or whatever'?

life changing illness imo
you don't sound like a great friend tbh

Here's a suggestion google CFS/ME and see what you find.

It's not all in the mind FFS.

If your friendship is a one way street then sort it. No need to suggest CFS is something that she can help.

You can ask her to depend on you less, but if she had cancer would you ask her to be more in control of her health?

CBT can be very helpful for people with CFS in helping them cope with other people who don't believe in ME

Imagine having flu for 6 months plus

But just because her friend has CFS doesn't mean she can't be self absorbed and bitter.

My 18 year old niece has CFS. It is a life chanching illness. It is absolutely not 'depression with sleepy side effects'.

It is a need to sleep, not a wish to sleep. You are not 'sleepy' you are bone-achingly tired.
Other symptoms are also chronic pain, which my niece now really struggles with.

In my niece's case it meant being unable to complete A levels, giving up on her dream of going to uni, slowly losing her friends as she was unable to go out etc.

It is horrid and you do not sound sympathetic. Your friend's diagnosis is new, let her talk. She is coming to terms with this. Give her time. Be there for her or be straight with her and walk away so she can find some other (better) friends.

I understand your friendship with her has changed. And that must be hard. But it is hard for her too and she is not doing this by choice.

I maybe didn't make it clear that I don't think the friendships should be one-way. I have been dealing with this for months! Hours, hours and hours of listening to it. Hence the AIBU to do something about it. Either a plan of action for her, or putting some distance between us.

I imagine feeling knackered and shitty for that long it would be extremely difficult not to be self-absorbed and bitter to some extent.

OP, maybe you could take some comfort that you can get away from it, your friend has to live with this 24/7.

ok can you not manage to spend a certain amount of time with her - she probably won't be up to that much anyway
she will def appreciate it

Put distance between you both if that is what you want. Only you can decide if you want to continue with the friendship. If you do, then get together with her and formulate a plan of action, for your sake and hers

Give her space, and give yourself a break. She is ill, but she also is obsessed, naturally with the whole thing.

what mycat said

for your friend

I don't think OP is saying it's all within her friend's control, more that there may be other issues involved, like depression, which actually seems very likely. Chronic fatigue is a common symptom of depression, and sadly the stigma that still surrounds depression means that people will often accept CFS as a diagnosis more readily than depression.

OP knows this lady better than we do. I know myself that seeing someone who would benefit from treatment for depression but refuses to have it, can be very frustrating.

It can be hard to remain eternally supportive of someone who doesn't at least try things that may help them.

Imperial is quite right. I have a friend with CFS and much as I love her, she can be fucking hard work at times. That has nothing to do with her CFS - she can just be fucking hard work. But sometimes (and I will rot in hell for even thinking this) it seems to me that she uses the CFS as a justification for why she can be fucking hard work.

Lemon - you either have the emotional energy to stick with her and ride it out and hope there's an improvement, or you don't. Whether you do or whether you don't is fine. You won't rot in hell for thinking "actually, I can't deal with this". And she'll understand that.

sometimes being a good friend is telling them when enough is enough. If shes tired and sick, shes hardly going to feel ontop of the world.
BUT maybe you need to give her more time. DH doctor said when you get a life changing dx, you go though different stages, a little like grief
If your a good friend, then be there but know she was only told a few weeks ago, so maybe a while before she's got her head round it all

My friend has been diagnosed with CFS. Over the past 6 months or so she's been struggling with tiredness. She's had blood tests which found nothing, she's looked into herbal medicine and so on. A couple of weeks ago the GP said it's CFS.

Thats not a diagnosis, it's an opinion on the part of the GP.

She might have a million and one things wrong with her. Unless she is properly diagnosed then you cant help her, other than be moral support. You can only do so much. Some people are so self aborbed that it is all me me me and it does suck the life blood out of you.

Fair play she's looking into herbal medicine and having berevement councelling - but - always a but - there comes a time when you actually have to look at the imact someone has on your life. If it is negative, then you have to let that relationship go.

From your post it's a one way friendship. Crass call, who ever made the cancer post; one of my Bfs died with cancer, she never became self centred, visiting her was always a joyful thing because she had the personality to enrich those around her; even during those later days where she was slipping away.

YABU to dump a friend who is ill

YADNBU to ditch someone who is playing the victim and moaning the whole time. IME the people with the most to moan about are the ones who ask how you're doing all the time because they want distracting!

I agree with you Lemon. I have depression and various (visible, not like CFS) physical side effects. The physical bit was taking over my life, I went on ADs and it's now so much better. My eczema has cleared up and I don't feel the need to endlessly talk about myself.

Don't really have any advice for you though

Crass call? It was not about being self centred it was about being in control of her health, read it in full trois. I too have friends with cancer, MS etc they are all individuals

Fucking hard work is exactly right. That's what she is at the moment. And as for me having a strange notion of friendship or of her finding other (better) friends, almost everyone else has jumped ship already.

Lots of our mutual friends just say 'the thing is, Lemon, once you've discussed X's issues for an hour with her, there's not much more to say' or similar. They're bored of it. I'm less bored, more pissed off.

YANBU - this is a very heavy burden on you, dealing with someone else's long term illness. AND just because she is tired, doesn't mean she can't take interest in you. When people do become ill like that naturally it takes over and they can become very self-absorbed. Definitely have a break, perhaps be less available so that when you do see her you can be attentive for a while. It also wouldn't be wrong to point out at some point that while you sympathise with her situation, it would be nice if she asked after you. She does sound though as though she has her head in the sand over a lot of issues that could be causing depression and ultimately the CSF (which is after all a collection of symptoms and not an easily definable illness).
You are a good friend to have dealt with it this long

substitute cfs for cancer or any other serious illness in your post

Although when I first read your OP I thought that with friends like you, who needs enemies, I can actually remembering feeling similar when DH was depressed a few years back. Its hard living with something, its also hard supporting someone who has something... ask any carer.

I think you need to learn to manage your time spent with your friend so its not going to make you bitter and resentful. Its very very difficult to have valid suggestions that get dismissed instantly, but you're judging her by the wrong rules, you're judging her responses as you would someone who isn't living and breathing their illness 24/7, normal social rules don't apply.

I do think there has to be a point where you step back, or step up and tell another how their illness is affecting you, and whilst some might think that's heartless because their suffering is worse and at least its not you who has this and its alright for you, there is no need for you to be made ill also, and being a supporter, at all times, is exhausting and unless you learn to manage it will make you ill too, then you won't be able to be any help/use/support.

Having an illness doesn't cancel out all personality flaws, and maybe her illness DOES make her bitter and understandably so, but you cannot be expected to listen in silence, and support unconditionally.

You must understand though, that even if your suggestions are perfectly valid, even if there IS something she could do, something proactive, that her illness and her personality may never allow YOU to be the one to bring it to her? Woudl she listen to her GP if he/she were to suggest the same? My friend listens to nothing unless its prescribed. You could speak to her GP, he/she won't be able to speak to YOU about your friend, but he/she can listen.

As an aside, why do many (some) people with CFS seem so determined that CFS couldn't be a mental health illness but must be a physical illness, as though a mental illness was some how an innately lesser affliction?