SAHD who doesn't do housework?

(237 Posts)
bushymcbush Fri 16-Sep-11 16:54:49

My DH looks after our DD (3yo) full time and I work (stressful and tiring job) full time.

Now, I know his job is looking after DD but I know when I did that job, I looked after the house too. It wasn't perfect but I tried to keep on top of the basics.

A year into our arrangement and his levels of housework are at an all time low.

He does cook almost every evening, and usually makes attempts to keep the kitchen tidy (not clean), but that's it.

The washing is constantly spilling out of the basket or sitting in clean baskets un sorted.

The carpets and floors are filthy.

The bathroom is filthy.

The house smells.

I often get home from work to find lunch and / or breakfast things all over the table still, DD watching TV and the dog unwalked.

AIBU to expect more?

QOD Fri 16-Sep-11 16:55:33

no
hth x

Georgimama Fri 16-Sep-11 16:56:49

Nope. Looking after one 3 year old is not a full time occupation. He should be doing more.

HappyMummyOfOne Fri 16-Sep-11 16:56:58

YANBU, an adult who doesnt work so is home should do the bulk of the housework.

However, the majority of MN believes the SAHP is there purely to look after the child and that the housework is not part of that role if you search other similar posts.

BootyMum Fri 16-Sep-11 16:58:06

This would drive me nuts!

Can your husband explain or justify why no housework is done?

If he has valid reasons, have you enough money for a cleaner instead?

NotFromConcentrate Fri 16-Sep-11 16:58:06

YANBU.

DH and I both work full time, but with different days off thank God , and it's a kind of unwritten rule that whoever is at home also does the washing up laundry etc. When he was a SAHD he did the majority of the HW and I helped out in the evenings/bathed the kids etc. When I was on ML, I did most of it.

Doesn't stop him ringing me at work and asking me what's for dinner though...

AmberLeaf Fri 16-Sep-11 17:00:59

That is taking the piss.

hayleysd Fri 16-Sep-11 17:02:27

If he's like my dp he is incapable of multitasking so can only cope with the dc's, I am a Childminder and manage to keep the house tidy with washing up etc done and look after 6 kids! I hate it when he's here alone as I come back to a total tip that takes me ages to clean up!

DH is is a SAHD and he does a fair amount of the housework. Yesterday, for example, floors were mopped and beds changed and washed as well as dinner cooked.

He has a bit of a blind spot when it comes to ironing but don't we all wink.

Your DH is not doing his "job". Actually, my DH went through a bit of a phase of leaving the bulk of the work for me until I pointed out that my job was in the office and his job was in the house i.e. its not a doss at home its work with the same status as mine.

diddl Fri 16-Sep-11 17:03:57

Sounds awful.

And poor dog!

porcamiseria Fri 16-Sep-11 17:04:09

my DP is similar (SAHD too), but he has 2 little ones and is a bit better than yours! sorry!

you have 2 options

nag and row
or get a cleaner

look just get a cleaner, really! I dont think some men "get" housework, you can flame me all you like but its true!!!!
you shoukd have married a nice OCD virgo

Proudnscary Fri 16-Sep-11 17:04:37

If this was a man posting about his wife, there'd be outrage etc blah de blah etc

Harecare Fri 16-Sep-11 17:04:50

If he is at home he is the household manager. His job is to look after the house and ensure your DC is safe, happy and stimulated. There is always a 2 hour lull in our house 1 - 3 giving plenty of time for chores. Does he realise it's part of his job?

bearhug Fri 16-Sep-11 17:05:15

YANBU but: My DP also says that looking after our 3 yo DS is his job, and that this does not mean he is also a housewife. He does do washing, dishwasher + tidying up, but draws the line at scrubbing bathrooms. For everyone's sanity, we now have a cleaner for a couple of hours a week. Phew!

bushymcbush Fri 16-Sep-11 17:05:58

I don't know how to talk to him about this without sounding like a nag.

bushymcbush Fri 16-Sep-11 17:08:47

We can't afford a cleaner.

diddl Fri 16-Sep-11 17:08:56

Is he actually playing with/entertaining/occupying your son all day?

There´s usually time to do something around the house!

Perhaps when you get in you can say "I´ll look after our son whilst you whizz round with the hoover, clean the bathroom, wash up..."

eurochick Fri 16-Sep-11 17:09:07

I don't think you are being unreasonable. If I was at home, i would expect to do the housework, just as my mum did.

Is there any way you can afford a cleaner?

ENormaSnob Fri 16-Sep-11 17:09:32

Yanbu at all.

I would say the same about a female sahp.

ChunkyPickle Fri 16-Sep-11 17:09:44

YAB a little U if you're expecting him to do all the housework.

We've now tried it both ways - partner working with me at home, and me working with DP at home and in both cases we share housework.

Ours is now 1 year old, and whilst you can probably get a load of washing on, the moment you try to fold it he's there pulling it back into the basket helping. Lunch is taken on the run while helping him get some in, he'll play a bit on his own, but not for long enough for you to really get much done (and if you try to do something like the dishwasher he'll be in there helping again)

When he has a nap, it's the only break that DP (or I) get, and so doing housework takes a back burner (after all, the working partner gets tea/lunch breaks).

On the whole, we both find being in work much easier than being at home, and so don't begrudge splitting the housework down the middle...

bushymcbush Fri 16-Sep-11 17:12:32

I have actually told him before that I don't care how dirty the house is as long as he and DD are out and about having loads of fun. But they mostly don't go anywhere. He spends a lot of time on the computer and on his iPhone - games, facebook, twitter, sports pages, news ...

Portofino Fri 16-Sep-11 17:13:06

porca - I married an ocd virgo - he is fab around the house. He does get stressed if the place is untidy though.....

The way I look at it though, is that you should both have the same amount of downtime. You maybe need to sit with him and ask how he manages his day and agree on roles and responsibilities.

PenguinArmy Fri 16-Sep-11 17:13:37

it's hard to say and most situations are unique. DH generally didn't do loads of housework, but if something needed doing I was able to say if you get a chance can you have a go at...

The only job that was his was the washing, oh and the shopping but we lived right near a supermarket. We then tried to do a 50:50 arrangement when we were both at home. He tended to do more as I had a stressful job and often did overtime. Nights I worked late, he would then do it all. We'd start each day fresh as it were i.e. all washing up done, living room tidy etc. However, he wasn't able to do things to 'my standard' and it wasn't him not trying (I've seen his mums housework). I tended to let him tackle the surface stuff and I would deep clean.

Depends on his whole attitude in general though. Does he agree in principle, do you do it all when you're in...

In principle I don't believe the SAHP automatically does any housework (and I am now the SAHP for a while)

SouthernFriedTofu Fri 16-Sep-11 17:13:42

He's dd's carer not your cleaner. He should clean up after the mess he makes in the day though and the proper scrubbing stuff should be shared equally.

You get a lunch break so he should get some time to himself too. If he has any downtime with the 3 year old it doesnt have to be spent cleaning!

Portofino Fri 16-Sep-11 17:14:07

He needs to treat this as a job in other words.

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