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AIBU?

stepmum refuses to meet

63 replies

mothrhen03 · 15/04/2011 17:07

I have raised my children almost completely alone ( my eldest is 12 ). Their father has worked or lived over seas for 6 years now and we lived apart almost the entire 10 yrs we were married. We have only been separated/divorced for 2yrs now. He hasn't seen them in a year and half, and now that he has shown up with a new wife and child, expects me to let him take them without even meeting his wife. I don't expect to be friends, I just want to have some idea of who is taking care of my children.
I don't trust him with the children, he has made some extremely poor decisions while caring for them in the past, and am just looking for something to reassure me they will be ok while in their care. Problem is she is refusing. To the point where he is saying he won't take them if it's required to meet her. A day trip is fine, but over night? No way! They have only met her once, yesterday!
She came into his life before we were even separated, and his sister ( who I have helped raise since she was 7, now 21 ) is very angry. While the new wife was staying at his parents, his sister was very vocal about how she felt. So apparently the new wife now feels bad about what she did, and won't face me. I, however, am no longer angry. I have moved on and am happy with my life. My concern is purely for my children. I have tried to convey this to my ex, but he won't let me contact her to try and convince her.
I don't want to keep my children from their father, especially since he goes back overseas in 2 weeks, but don't feel comfortable letting them stay with an adult I don't know. (this goes for ALL adults, not just her ) What do I do?

OP posts:

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dawntigga · 15/04/2011 17:09

I'd have more issues with my children staying overnight with an absent father who hasn't seen them in over a year tbh.

HopeItAllWorksOutTiggaxx

strandedbear · 15/04/2011 17:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LowRegNumber · 15/04/2011 17:17

This is not just an adult it is the wife of their father. If they only have two weeks and they have not seen him for 18 months then I think you are very being unfair on them if you stop them because of a new wife tbh.

If it were a GF then he could have just not told you and then let them meet her anyway. He has told you so at least you are aware. I don't think it is particularly usual to be introduced to new partners before the kids can stay with them, infact I would say it is very unusual indeed!

Of course you are going to worry, it is your job but, overall, I feel YABU they are not toddlers they are almost teens.

ShoutyHamster · 15/04/2011 17:17

She feels bad about what she did, so her response is to be silly and childish and create a whole new situation of bad feeling?

She sounds like a drama queen, so I'd put my foot down big time. Steely smile - no, she can damn well grow up and meet you. Or no visits. If they are going to be around more from now on, this approach could probably nip a lot of potential problems in the bud. Don't let her have any authority in this situation - where YOUR CHILDREN are concerned.

If your ex had been more involved through the childrens' lives, I would not be so dogmatic on this - but it sounds as if he expects to be given a free rein which he has most certainly not earned. You have been their carer all along, he has fallen down on that responsibility, so he can damn well respect your position on this. You get to call the shots. Say this to him, and point out that with regards to both you and his sister, new wife really is starting off on the wrong foot big time. Tell him politely that if he wants years more strife, trouble and constant bad feeling, go ahead and indulge her pettiness. If he fancies an easy life, advise him to tell her to get over herself, have a nice friendly meeting and get on with the business of getting to know the kids.

IAmTheCookieMonster · 15/04/2011 17:23

lowreg - a good point, but in those cases the father would have regular access to the children and be trusted with their care. The op doesn't trust him on his own let alone with someone she has never met as well.

highhopes2010 · 15/04/2011 17:27

what strandedbear says.YANBU at all.good luck hun.

LowRegNumber · 15/04/2011 17:30

The eldest is 12 not a little one though.

These children get a tiny amount of time in 2 years. Sorry but it does not matter which way up you turn it the best thing for the children is to get the opportunity to see their father and meet their half sibling before he goes again. Unless the op is concerned that he is going to convince a 12yo (that she has raised and, presumably, taught some common sense) to start playing on railway lines then there is no good excuse to stop contact going ahead.

IMHonestO (probably an unpopular one) the op may be using the wife as an excuse because the farther has disappeared for all that time and she is angry. It is reasonable to be angry but it is not reasonable to stop the dc seeing their dad in this situation.

FellatioNels0n · 15/04/2011 17:30

I agree with DawnTigga. I'm stuggling to imagine why he think she needs a new wife and child when he clearly paid little attention to the first ones. If your eldest is 12 then the younger ones must barely know him. I realise they have a right to now him, but I'm wondering what the point is, unless it is to make him feel a bit better about himself before he buggers off again.

highhopes2010 · 15/04/2011 17:31

No way LowReg.The kids need to start up relationship with their dad again first,he hasnt bothered with them for a year and a half!

FellatioNels0n · 15/04/2011 17:31

he needs, not she needs.

highhopes2010 · 15/04/2011 17:32

OP has said she's not angry.

LowRegNumber · 15/04/2011 17:33

But that is not an option highhopes, the choice is all of them or no relationship.

Yes it may be "better" but are you really saying that they should not see their father at all if the best option is not open to them? Are you really saying it is in the childrens best interest to say "all or nothing"?

Have a moral stand point by all means but this is not "ideal" and whatever happens it is not going to be "ideal".

StewieGriffinsMom · 15/04/2011 17:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LowRegNumber · 15/04/2011 17:34

No, the op has said she is not angry about the way the relationship started - about the overlap.

grumpypants · 15/04/2011 17:42

Maybe she feels offended that she is to be 'vetted' - just thinking how I might feel if I felt somebody wanted to assess my suitablility, particularly as a parent, and a wife.

pozzled · 15/04/2011 17:43

I agree with SGM, it depends on what contact they have had recently and how the DC feel- would they be excited about seeing their dad again? I think going straight to an overnight stay is asking a lot, is it possible to take it a bit more slowly? Could they spend a day with their dad, meet the new wife and then go and stay with them both a few nights later?

Personally I wouldn't insist on meeting the new wife first, but I would want to know what steps their father was taking to make them feel welcome and help the visit go smoothly after so long.

highhopes2010 · 15/04/2011 17:44

The dcs have not heard or seen their dad in over a year,and now he's suddenly back with new wife and child in tow.No,imo the dcs need to get used to dad again and if he wants his new wife involved then yes he should do what op is asking.She is not asking anything outrageous!

LowRegNumber · 15/04/2011 17:47

But he is going away again highhopes, he is not around for long enough to build up a relationship and then introduce wife, there is a time limit. Assuming he is going away for a while they may not meet their new sibling until it is well grown and no longer even a baby! Missing out on this meeting could have big knock on effects for all the relationships involved here.

FabbyChic · 15/04/2011 17:47

To be fair you generally would never meet the other woman. My children have gone to stay with their father before with the his new partner, I trust his judgement not to put his kids in any danger.

This is your ex husbands wife, I fail to see what the problem is.

Give your eldest a mobile so they can text you periodically during the evening, and first thing in the morning.

You should allow them to go, he hasn't seen them for over a year and this is their only chance for a good while, they need a relationship with their father, don't hinder it, be the bigger person and allow it.

flippintired · 15/04/2011 17:55

Unless I have missed a post....... what do the children want? Do they want to see him? I think that is the most important consideration

mothrhen03 · 15/04/2011 18:01

LowRegNumber, he hasn't seen them for a year and a half because he chose not to. He has actually been in the states twice and not seen them, his choice again. He has promised six different times, to the children, that he would be here and cancelled because of her not wanting him to be around me. Even though I am presently engaged and happy with my life, and have no interest in him.
I also have his entire family telling me how terrible she is, and what an inept mother she is. She is actually moving here from his parents house b/c they kicked her out because of her behavior.
I have explained that it would be to her benefit in case of an emergency because she doesn't know anyone here, to at least know who I am as well. She is moving here with a 5 month old and no resources. She doesn't drive and I have offered to help with groceries if necessary, and yet she still refuses.

strandedbear: I would allow him to come visit here in the home, but he does not want to meet my fiancee and refuses to do so.

OP posts:

worraliberty · 15/04/2011 18:11

You've forgotten the most important thing here OP

How do the children feel about staying overnight?

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LowRegNumber · 15/04/2011 18:15

Too be honest none of what you have just said really changes anything. They have this opportunity before he goes again. THey should be allowed to see him regardless of the new wife. YABU sorry.

mothrhen03 · 15/04/2011 18:17

I have already allowed them to see him. They had dinner last night, and met their sister and stepmother. I don't have a problem with daily visits. It's over night that is a problem. They want to take them on a vacation while he's here, and are planning an out of country trip for the near future.

We weren't even told they were married until 6 months later, or that they were having a baby until his insurance cards showed up at my house ( because he still uses my address ). His contact with the children has been sporadic and truthfully, hurtful, to them.

He has been living in a war zone for 6 years, and I am unsure about his mental stability. I just want to know who the other person taking care of my children in this situation is.

Oh, and my youngest is 7 and has only seen him 3 times.

OP posts:

worraliberty · 15/04/2011 18:20

Sorry, if you're unsure about his mental stability...shouldn't that be a bigger issue than you not meeting your kid's stepmum?

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