TTC whilst unemployed & job hunting? Long, sorry!

[DillyDaff]

Name changed

My DP and I are TTC despite him currently being on minimum wage and me being unemployed. I am in my early thirties and need to have fertility treatment for a pre-existing condition in order to conceive. For my particular condition I have been told it's pretty much now or never, otherwise even though I desperately want a baby I'd be waiting until we were a little more secure.

I come from a very poor background, worked my way up to a 'good' job in my late twenties earning a decent salary and then had my life turned upside down by redundancy whilst working overseas in the global meltdown of 2008/09. I rejected consumerism and the need for status derived from material possessions, became more interested in sustainability & the environment and ended up volunteering in West Africa. All very noble I'm sure, and whilst it has been a brilliant and enriching experience, I am now feeling like a bit of an idiot as I have no savings left and no financial security. D'oh! We currently live in a room in a shared house (a very nice house though!) and are saving up to rent a place of our own.

I met my partner about 18 months ago, he's a few years younger than me and we've been in a relationship for 14 months but have lived together since day one. We volunteered in Africa together and came back to the UK a few months ago. He's got experience as a craftsman, but has been unable to find work in his particular field so is working a minimum wage job at the moment. He's applied to do a 'proper' course starting this Sep - it costs 3000 pounds which he'll take out a career development loan for, but after it he can become a 'master' in his field, earn a decent wage and eventually start his own business. So hopefully our long-term future is secure...

I am currently unemployed, doing the odd bit of freelance work, plenty of volunteering and job hunting like mad, but it's like a race to get in somewhere before I start the treatment so that I can get MP. Needless to say I am not mentioning TTC to any potential employer! I feel this is devious but don't see what else I could do? At the moment, I also have absolutely no intention of returning to work for the first couple of years.

Our first consultation at the fertility clinic is tomorrow, but needless to say I'm not expecting the treatment to actually start for a few months. So, AIBU in TTC whilst completely and utterly skint, knowing that we will remain skint for a good couple of years? How expensive are babies??!! I will be relying on the goodwill and generosity of others, in terms of hand-me-downs and cast offs. I might be relying on the state to provide benefits. My family have no money so I will get nothing but love & emotional support from them :). My DP's family also have no money. However, at the risk of sounding cheesy my heart is already overflowing with love for our child... Does it matter that my purse is empty? Or do I need a reality check?!

[TidyDancer]

I suspect opinion may be a bit split on this one, but in my mind, YANBU.

[Gemsy83]

If you can get by on what little you have then fab- if you will be relying soley on state support then YABU. But I think youn fall into the category of the former and imo that is NBU.

[Oakmaiden]

If it is now or never, and you want it to happen - then it will HAVE to be now. Not ideal, but life so rarely is.

[DillyDaff]

Tidy - I feared it may turn into a bit of a bun-fight, so I put my flame-proof pants & hard hat on before posting...

[compo]

How old are you?

[spidookly]

You're going to get slated for ttc when you can't support a baby without benefits, but not from me :)

this is a tricky one.

Given your condition you don't have much time to play with, but really you are nowhere near ready to have a baby in practical terms - you've not got a proper home to bring the baby into and you can't make ends meet without a job, which you'd quit soon after you found it.

Do you have a tendency to throw yourself into enthusiasms with abandon?

I'm wondering if your anti-materialism thing has now been replaced with the baby project?

How does your DP feel about all of this?

[MorticiaAddams]

Usually I would say not in your financial situation but if it's now or never then you shouldn't miss your only opportunity to have a baby.

Babies can be expensive but don't have to be. Freecycle or hand me downs for a cot, clothes, etc, breastfeeding is free and terry squares (which we used for a while) are very cheap.

[Gemsy83]

Where did the OP mention claiming benefits?

[expatinscotland]

Go for it, IMO.

[MainlyMaynie]

YADNBU. Don't piss about with your fertility, you can find a job later.

[DillyDaff]

Gemsy - I expect we will have to rely a bit on state support to start with... tax credits and the like. My DP is utterly determined to support his family though, and I don't mind going without for a few years while he builds his earning power up. But it all seems very scary at the moment! Especially with the economy in decline and the cost of living rapidily increasing

[Quodlibet]

I think you sound like you've got your priorities very firmly in place and aren't being unreasonable at all. Your employment situation is temporary and it sounds like it has good prospects to improve, your fertility situation needs addressing now and can't be put off.

You'll doubtless get some heartless folks pursing their lips about claiming benefits when you could have remained childless instead, but I reckon in the grand scheme of things, you've supported others with your volunteering choices, have thought really clearly about all your options, are making the most sensible plans for the future you can and are entitled to some support yourself if you need it. Good luck to you.

[Onetoomanycornettos]

I also had a condition which gave me a very clear window in which I could have children before it worsened. I went ahead with a second child in less than ideal cirumstances, debt and work wise. I don't regret it a bit, but have not found it easy and the stress of no money is great (I never claimed benefits but found it hard to manage money-wise). However, now as a family our work has picked up considerably and the future is relatively secure and exciting. You only have one life. I vote for living it to the full, as long as you are prepared to take responsibility for providing for your children, which mean, for example, you working not just taking two years out, or you working days, he working nights.

[spidookly]

In the OP she said she might need to depend on the state for benefits.

[fartblossom]

Go for it. Plenty of other people do. Also what if you didnt have fertility problems and decided to wait, but for some reason or another you DID get pregnant now anyway what then?

You will get the "you should wait" brigade, but whats your choice really? Sounds to me its either children now or not at all. I honestly dont think you have a choice. Anyway you'll cope other people do and so will you. So what if you need benefits for a bit? People do, thats why they're there. For people in times of need. Anyway doesnt sound like you will be forever on benefits, you just need them while the economy picks up and DH can find a good job in his field. Dont worry about what people may think of you just cos you may need benefits. As long as you work your way out of it, most decent people wont bother. Some people get a good job, have babies then something happens (illness, redundancy to name a couple) and then have to rely on them.

Dont worry about it, just go for it and good luck with your appointment tomorow.

[doley]

YANBU ~at all :)

I believe things turn themselves round eventually ,you had a wonderful job -life happened and now you are in this situation ...

I think things can /will change again for you and as you only have a few years left to conceive ....well ,

what choice do you have ?

You are both qualified ,there is nothing to stop you getting on your feet( job wise)in the future .

Things are going to be tough ...I suspect you know that though :)

Very good luck ...and keep your hard hat firmly in place

[mamatomany]

You've got to do it really haven't you, you're not going to get anywhere near the level of state support you would have two years ago, as long as you realise that and can manage.
Best of luck

[jenga079]

The main thing that would worry me would be living in a shared house. Can you move to a cheaper area or be creative in where you live to find a place to call your own? I've read a few articles recently about people who have become 'guardians' for property owners (e.g. part converted warehouses, old fire stations etc) There's an article about it here

[KaraStarbuckThrace]

Thing is, babies don't need to be expensive. There are lots of places you can get baby equipment cheaply or for free if you are not proud!
Charity Shops
Ebay
NCT nearly new sales (these are particularly good for pushchairs and cots)
Freecycle.
Bfing is free.
And cloth nappies are very economical too.

It sounds like that neither of you would be content to sit on benefits forever and you are making plans to improve your life. And with your fertility issues the sooner you get started the better.

Good luck!

[DillyDaff]

Spidookly - You're very astute and quite right, however, I am tired of constantly bouncing around and feel a very deep need to settle. It's been growing steadily for a few years, and my family agree that I am in the right place mentally / emotionally etc for a baby. But you are also right that practically I am in no way ready. I just keep thinking though that if you suddenly found yourself pregnant you'd have to pull your act together.

My DP wants a baby just as much as I do. The idea of having a child formed in our minds at the same time - it was a look we'd give each other before we even spoke about it. I can't even remember which one of us mentioned it first. And we even both thought of the same first name at the same time.

He says we'll manage, he'll work 2 jobs if he has to, we''ll find a way etc. I worry more about the actual details!!

[DillyDaff]

jenga - I hate living in a shared house, as lovely as my housemates are, and can't wait to move into our own place. We just need to save up a deposit first. The area will depend on where I can find work.

This may possibly be a really stupid question but someone said I might not be able to afford to stay home and will have to work. Are you really that much better off financially working but paying childcare? After all the effort involved in having a baby I really don't like the idea of having someone else look after him / her. Sorry, I don't want this to divert into a SAHM vs Working Mum debate - am just interested in the financial implications. I'd just assumed I could stay home somehow for the first couple of years. Am I being ridiculously naive??!!

[DillyDaff]

Oh - and thank you all so much for your support. It means so much :)

It was never meant to be like this, but when does life ever turn out the way it's meant to?!

[beesimo]

Love is the foundation of family life not money. When I had my oldest Dcs we were really struggling, got on our feet through hard work and effort. Had my twins everything good moneywise Then foot and mouth worried sick about money for a year or so, pulled round again working all hours ect ect. Sold some land for housing and bingo we're riding high again, and once you've got a bit of money its easy to make more. But family wise you still have your problems for example it can be a real struggle stopping my lovely DDs from turning into upstarts.

The point is nobody can read the future and its not how much money you can spend on your DCs its how much love you have in your heart for them and how much time and effort you are prepared to put into rearing them. As long as they are fed,sheltered and clothed and no1 priority to you and their father they'll do ok. Just go for it.

I wasn't born with my bum on a velvet cushion and I turned out lovely.

[HappyMummyOfOne]

Living in a shared house, with one income and having to rely on benefits to support any child, it wouldnt seem like an ideal time. If you have only been together 14 months that also relatively short term to plan such a big commitment together.

If you're only in your 30's and need assistance to conceive you could ask if doing in say two years time is viable for instance.

[roomonthebroom]

Do it, do it, do it. I think you would regret not doing it, and from what you say you're financial situation will pick up, your DP is willing to work hard to support you and realistically you probably won't have a baby for another year. Fertility clinic will take a few months at least to sort out treatment then the pregnancy will last 9 months, and a lot of positive things will happen in that time because you will make it happen- you sound like that sort of person :o

Babies don't have to be expensive with freecycle, gumtree, eBay, local community charity projects etc. It will work out okay.

Good luck with your appt tomorrow, and good luck with your treatment.