AIBU to be cautious of this man....

[Starbuck999]

Ok, I'd like some opinions on this one please...

I have a best friend, we share everything and she has had a hard time recently, she is very fragile emotionally and has in the past been depressed and taken medication for PND. She is a single parent with a 5 yr old dd and has no family and few real friends She has recently told me she has met a man - I'm very very happy for her as she has been very lonely recently.

They work together, she says he is very kind, polite and quite quiet. Apparently he seems like a bit of a "loner" and doesn't share much about his private life at work - fair enough I thought, lots of people are like that. She went on her first date with him which went very well, they had fun and she says he went on and on about how much he likes her, has fancied her for ages etc. Then he bombarded her with lovely texts and calls. The next date they went on he was so different. Not at all tactile, very quiet, not affectionate etc.

He has told her today that he has mental health issues. That he is bi-polar and suffers from severe mood swings. Now I appreciate a huge proportion of adults will suffer from mental health problems and this in itself isn't a reason not to have a relationship with someone - of course! However, he has also said he doesn't take medication as he doesn't think it helps him. That he sometimes just has to stay at home and doesn't want to do anything but sleep and be alone for days on end. He also admits to her that he has a terrible temper and when in a depressive state he has been known to be aggressive and throw things, smash things etc.

She has asked me what she should do and I have asked her to be very wary of this man. Not becasue he has mental health issues but because she is very vulnerable and emotionally unstable herself and I can see her getting very hurt. Also, that I see it as unwise to have someone who is basically a stranger who admits he has violent tendencies around a 5 yr old child.

AIBU? I am basically discriminating against someone because they have MH issues and I can't decide if I am justified in my advice that I have given her or not. I admit I have very little experience of bi-polar as a condition and would very much appreciate some opinions and perhaps someone with any advice I can pass on to her...

[MerryMarigold]

Don't really have any knowledge. I think his honesty is in his favour. I think she would know when he was going into one and could make sure he wasn't around her dd (maybe he wouldn't want to be). The meds...hmmmmmm...maybe a relationship would make him re-consider and try harder to find something that did work. I know you are trying to protect her but I'd just suggest they take it slowly, she gets to know him, and maybe decide herself if she can't handle the highs/ lows.

[ginodacampoismydh]

i dont think you ABU, sounds like you have sounded this out for your self and are being cautious of the risks.

As a sinle parent my self to a 4 yrold dd i would not view this person to be the right person for me to be getting into a relationship with.

for these reasons amongst others.

1. my priority is DD and i would be unable to give some one with complex needs the correct amount of my attention
   
   
2. would be worried about my safety and my dds safety at the hands of someone who has admitted to being agressive
   
   
3. I would be seeking a person emotionaly and physicaly strong to have a relationship with

[Starbuck999]

Thanks! I think it's because she relies on me heavily for advice and support and it will be me who picks up the pieces if this all goes wrong that I want to give her the best advice that I can.

I think I could have a relationship with someone with complex mental health issues - i am a strong minded person, but she is such an emotional wreck already, I don't think she can cope being strong and offering support to someone with a condition like this.

[tethersend]

YANBU.

For him to say this much early on would make me wonder about the extent of his illness/violent behaviour.

Perhaps you could just advise her to keep him at arm's length for now, meet in public places and not be around her DD etc.

If your friend is emotionally vulnerable, then it's quite possible that she is not right for him either.

[ChippingIn]

YANBU and in your shoes, for her - in her situation, I would feel/do/say the same :(

It's a shame for her, but there will be someone else out there for her.

[AnyFucker]

no, if she were my friend I would be giving her exactly the same advice as above

to have a successful relationship with someone with such severe MH problems (and they do sound severe), who refuses medication to boot, needs a person who is very strong and secure in themself

I wouldn't bring a 5yo child into the mix either, not at all

[clairefromsteps]

Starbuck, you're right, MH issues are no reason to shy away from a relationship, but this man does not sound very stable - he admits himself that he has a temper and is aggressive. Not someone I'd want to expose my DC to, tbh, or to take on and try to 'fix'.

Also, him not trying to seek help or correct medication? Not good. I'm not a MH expert, but I understand that medication can often be a trial and error until you manage to find the combination that works for you. Maybe he hasn't had much support from his GP in the past - perhaps a different GP with more experience of MH would be a better bet?

[LittleMissHissyFit]

No, No, no and No!

Ok so there probably are people that could have a relationship with someone with complex and severe MH issues, but surely not out of CHOICE?

She has to put DD first and foremost. She needs to be looking for someone that not only will be strong and secure enough to be supportive of her, but of her DD too.

If this bloke is admitting to all this already, and openly refusing to take his meds, what is he NOT admitting to?

[Desiderata]

Relationships don't conform to PC work/opportunity ethical considerations. The guy's got mental health problems. It's the last thing she needs. It's the last thing her dd needs.

It's probably the last thing he needs, too.

[Geistesabwesenheit]

The DD's priorities have to be put first. I don't want to be tactless about MH problems (I've got a few myself), but my dad was bi-polar and refused medication and life was hell.

[ApocalypseCheese]

Yanbu

[HalfTermHero]

Yanbu, I agree. Mind you, it is pretty honest of the guy to have admitted all that on a second date so hat off to him for that. Fingers crossed that they both find their own happiness soon.

[Starbuck999]

I thought it was lovely how honest he was with her too. He sounds like he realy is a nice guy but is very aware that he has MH problems and very aware that he needs to make any new potential partner aware of his issues early on.

She's meeting him again next week, so we'll see how it goes - she really likes him!

[Desiderata]

Bi-polar will admit it straight up. That doesn't necessarily make him a nice bloke. They have a tendency to blurt.

I can understand why he doesn't want to take his meds, but there will be times when he will, and that will affect his moods/weight/appearance, and all things will be temporary and stressful.

I suggest your mate takes up reading, and leaves this guy alone on an intimate level. She has a daughter to consider. His condition is not his fault, but as he is not the child's natural father, I think it would be sensible if it precluded him from any involvement.

If he were the natural father, of course, the family unit would have to suck it up. But she has choices, and the little girl wasn't born into it. It would be sad to expose her without necessity.

[Heracles]

Christ, he's only bi-polar not an axe murderer. Sure, it might make him a pain in the arse at times but that doesn't mean he should be avoided.

Replace bi-polar with a physical disability and watch the fucking flames on here then.

Bloody hypocrites.

[anonymosity]

No you're not being unreasonable. I think you're right. And unfortunately there is no such thing as "only bi-polar" as no one person's symptoms are exactly the same as the next person's. If he has temper issues he is unpredictable. Its great that he's been honest, but it doesn't sound like your friend (and her child) should be taking this on.

[Heracles]

unfortunately there is no such thing as "only bi-polar"

Balls. Plenty of people are "only bi-polar".

[anonymosity]

I don't mean to sound rude, but I think you're ignorant Heracles, unless of course you'd like to wow everyone with details of your psychiatric knowledge and training...

[YunoYurbubson]

There was a very good thread on MN about the importance of listening when a man tells you what he is like.

Let me find it...

[YunoYurbubson]

This one: When a man tells you what he is like, LISTEN!

It seems to me that this man is telling your friend that he is moody, he is violent, he will disengage when he wants to, and he can't change any of these things.

Why would she want to be with him?

[mollycuddles]

My dh has bipolar and it's hard to live with at times but it does not excuse aggression and violence. If someone said they had cancer and were aggressive would that make the aggression ok? Not IMHO. Nice sensitive guy who likes her with bipolar I'd not interfere but history of aggression and throwing things? I'd tell her to run for the hills.

[DegreesCelcius]

I have a partner with bipolar.

In the days before it was diagnosed it was bad. The mood swings,aggression,out of control drinking and OCD were pretty bad.He had also started self harming.

Nothing like the person I had originally fallen for.

Finding the right medication was a balancing act but eventually (after a spell in a mental hospital) the right balance was found.

This changed our lives completely. He changed into the person I used to know and regained his sense of humour which had totally disappeared.

OK,there are still times when he is going through a low period but it is much more managable.

What I am trying to say is that in my experience my partners bipolar has to be controlled by medication for a happy family life.

Just thought I would let you know my experience.

[onmyfeet]

I would never knowingly get involved with someone with mental health issues, if I had a child. There are many fish in the sea, release that one. I wish I was not saying that, as my brother is bipolar, and it would be nice if he had a loving wife, but I can understand why he doesn't. He takes medication, but before he finally was diagnosed, he put everyone though hell. He lost his business, house, wife and kids. He was stressful and could be violent, he went on spending sprees and wasted money he did not have to waste. Now he is properly medicated (took years to get the proper meds, he had to be admitted in a special hospital for brain injuries and mental illness before they figured out what was best for him)and he lives alone, (in squalor) and will never be able to work. His dd has a lot of problems and I will not be surprised if she is diagnosed with bp herself one day down the road.
I also know a young woman with bipolar who is frequently attempting suicide, and checking herself into the hospital when she doesn't trust herself not to harm herself. I know another fellow with bi-polar to whom only the thought of his wife and family are preventing him form suicide tonight. I care about all of these people, but I would not ever recommend anyone to hook up with someone who will cause them a world of hurt and pain.

[saffy85]

YANBU for me it wouldn't be the Bi-polar being the main issue, it'd be the fact be doesn't take any medication. There is no way I'd want someone who admits to being violent and agressive round a child.

I don't see how this makes me a hypocrite either.

[Chil1234]

YANBU...and your friend needs to be very, very careful now if she wants to cool the relationship. If this man has problems controlling his temper and is the kind to 'bombard' a woman with texts and calls, he may find rejection difficult to cope with.