Two excitements in one week, what to choose!

[mumofblueeyes]

Hi lovely folks. We are off to panel in April for a beautiful little person who is approaching 3 years. We have been given a panel date and a proposed introductions date. These will be 2 weeks due to the anxiety levels. The slight issue is that my Other Half has a trip away booked for the following week, so about 5 days after Intros have ended. It will be 3 nights long. It is a team trip to a remote island location and they have been planning it for a year, having meeting and making plans. It's a wilderness type expedition that money can't buy and he was excited to go on, due to the specialist instruction etc. They are canoeing and all in pairs (in the boats) so if he drops out they will have an odd number. I am very confident in being able to meet LO's needs and my mum lives with us as well so will be around.

So the quandary is my dear friends - should he go or should he cancel??!!

[CrazyCatLaydee123]

Let him go! I know it's right when LO will just have moved in, which is a shame, but you won't be on your own and it's only 3 nights. It would be different if you were on your own with the LO or if it was a lads trip to Magaluf or something.

[Hels20]

I may get flamed but when you describe his trip I would say "go". It's 3 nights. And if you are main caregiver I think you will be fine.

My DH had to rush to USA to see his sick father for 4 days 6 weeks after DS had moved in. I don't think any harm was done.

[Maiyakat]

Sorry but I really think he has to cancel. Firstly because I hope once he's met LO he won't want to go! Your lives will have just been turned upside down, but more importantly LO's life will have. For Daddy to disappear for 3 nights (which is forever in the life of a 3 year old) less than a week after he's moved in is not great. Yes there are times when it's unavoidable (for family emergencies etc) but it is very far from ideal. Have you mentioned it to the SWs?

[RaspberrySnowCone]

I would say cancel. Not so much that LO will need him but the early days are so important, and hard. You will need him and you are a team. That said if your mum is around for you then it might ok, from my point of view there's no way I would've wanted DH away that soon after and i dont think DH would've wanted to anyway, intros were knackering and the first few weeks post placement are exhausting too, we definitely needed one another.

[mumofblueeyes]

Thanks for all your comments. They are really useful. We now have 2 yes and 2 No's. I haven't asked SS, I can predict their answer!! X

[NattyTile]

Delay placement if the trip is that important.

[tldr]

Cancel. Read MrsColly's active thread here if you need to. (Steaming towards placement I think it's called.)

Or, postpone intros, but frankly, I'd expect that to raise eyebrows with SWs.

[PicaK]

Cancel it. He shouldn't even need to ask. Surely you've done the training on attachment and the massive trauma your child will suffer as he moves in with you. Your child needs you both at the top of your game and focused on him.

[Mrscollydog]

Yep! Cancel. It is 100% a 2 man job. The grieving process for littlies is so distressing and we needed each other, especially in the first few days. When one loses the plot the other can step in. Intros were killer, I had no idea how tiring it could be.

[MypocketsarelikeNarnia]

Tbh I think delay intros for a week. They might get delayed anyway. Shit happens with intros. I wouldn't say that if it was a week in Magaluf but for this trip of a lifetime I think it makes sense.

You can't have him go away a week after intros - that's potentially seriously traumatic.

[MypocketsarelikeNarnia]

Not sure why it should be a big deal with sws either. People make plans more than two months in advance. That isn't to say it WON'T be a big deal...

[fasparent]

RISK ASESSMENT !!! CAN NOT PREDICT PANALS VEIWS. ??? CHILD OR TRIP. which is more of a life time experience, choices choices.
good luck.

[tldr]

I agree it shouldn't be a big deal, but I've heard of links falling apart for less.

But equally, our intros were delayed 3 weeks because of bureaucratic nonsense. If I'd have cancelled a trip of a lifetime during those three weeks, I'd have been very cross.

I also have some small memory in my head that that panel dates aren't as fixed as you think they are. (Ie some more urgent panel matter might come up and they'd bump you til next panel.)

Do you get on with SW? Maybe worth discussing it informally with her if you do.

But tread lightly. As fasparent says there is a chance they could see it as holding trip over child.

[MypocketsarelikeNarnia]

If you get on with sw then they just tell panel 'and intros will start on the 2nd of May as dadofblueeyes is on a work related trip till 1st' and panel all nod sagely.

[MypocketsarelikeNarnia]

And I agree to 'tread lightly' - it's exactly this kind of shit that pissed me off with sws though. Completely inflexible and unable to be pragmatic about little things like this that make fuck all difference in the long run and then absolutely prepared to move kids from placement to placement at the drop of a hat, have babies picked up by complete strangers and taken to another room full of strangers for contact visits, delay placements because of fc's cat's birthday etc etc

[Kewcumber]

Would he go 5 days after you've given birth? Birth parents on the thread can correct me if I'm wring but it's just a traumatic in it's own way.

I'd either try to delay placement or cancel.

[Desmoulinsonatable]

My DH unexpectedly had to fly to Germany for work in the middle of week 2 of our intros. It was fine. Our Littles (we have 2) are a bit older do remember it, but they like the story! I know you are talking about a little later in the process, but we have suffered no ill effects and are now seven months in.

[Mama1980]

Agree with Kew, speaking as single mother with both birth and adoptive children he will need to be there.
I would look to delay if possible or if not then cancel.
I know it's slightly different in that there are two of you but None of mine would have dealt well with me not being there for a few days at any point in the first well couple of years really.

[FarrowandBallAche]

You have no clue how the LO is going to react at leaving the FC. You say you are confident you can meet their needs alone but I think this is naive.

And I think SS will take a dim view of your plans if I'm honest.

Either postpone intros ( which I really wouldn't do ) or cancel the trip ( which I think you should do )

[MypocketsarelikeNarnia]

Dh went away for three days on a work thing two months into our placement and that was a bloody stupid idea on reflection.

Partly he only did because we weren't thinking straight after intros. I seriously think that option is off the table for you because it could have such a serious impact and you don't have the old crystal ball.

[Chillywhippet]

Birth parent here but some experience of adoption issues theough work (mental health).

you said about intros These will be 2 weeks due to the anxiety levels

Is that the LO's anxiety? If the child is already anxious then SW may worry that their new Daddy disappearing five days after LO comes home for 3 nights could trigger fears in the child that any of you could just go. You will know that he's coming back but a grieving 3 year old with a history of loss may not.

Lots of posters here tell stories of their newly placed DC finding it less risky to relate to dad initially, before becoming more trusting of mum.

I think the advice about asking SW about work related trip is sensible but "trip of a lifetime" might not be well received.

[RaspberrySnowCone]

I think as well for me that the 'trip of a lifetime' stuff could come back to bite if he goes off and has an incredible time and comes back home to you, who may very well have had a very traumatic few days trying to settle a distraught little one who is grieving badly. There's scope for a lot of resentment, you would instinctively say 'no I wouldn't ever resent it' but when you're exhausted, emotionally run down etc which potentially you could be by that point, the fact that he's been off on a lovely jolly might break the camels back.....

[Libertas]

Adopter eight years in and foster carer here. My vote, for what it's worth, is to cancel the trip. There's a shortage of children for placement, and particularly younger children. Why run the risk of another couple better placed to put a child's needs before their own stepping into the breach to become mummy and daddy to a little one in need of a forever family? You've stated that your matched child is anxious so why consider adding to those anxieties with new daddy vanishing for a few days at such a pivotal time for a fledgling family? Seriously, this is not a bombproof birth child but a traumatised child who has possibly had numerous people come and go in their very short life. It will NOT be ok for your DH to disappear off for a fun time for three days and then reappear in this child's life.

[GirlsWhoWearGlasses]

Another vote to cancel the trip. That first week home, my DD's need was to be physically attached to both of us for pretty much all her waking hours. She certainly didn't want us out of her sight. Your LO may react completely differently, but you just don't know.

[GirlsWhoWearGlasses]

Your wee one will have lost everything they've known. To be honest I feel a bit upset at the thought of this vulnerable little person, desperately trying to make sense of their new life and their new forever daddy up and disappears.