Housework and couples

[antoinettechigur]

Just wondering how housework is divided in your home? Are some things seen as "women's work"? Or if you are a same sex couple, does each partner have certain jobs that are "theirs"?

When I met my partner he was very much the product of a traditional upbringing, but learned to share household tasks. Except laundry. He just won't do it. He does far more than me overall, however (I work more).

I accept the laundry thing due to the amount of cleaning, cooking, hoovering etc that DP does. But it doesn't sit completely comfortably with me that there is this one thing he won't do. Thoughts on the realities of housework in couples please..

[ABetaDad]

DW can cook, but she has hates it and has not cooked a family meal in 25 years. On the other hand she will not let me near the washing machine.

[antoinettechigur]

Oh how I wish there was a housework activity that I felt territorial about! I think me and DP might be Felix and Oscar i.e. neat freak (him) and slob(me - at least by comparison).

[foreverastudent]

You mean he doesn't even do his own laundry???

[tortoiseonthehalfshell]

There's nothing that either of us won't do out of principle. In practise, though, I steer clear of the manly chores out of a sense of total inadequacy. My husband, in his spare time, builds furniture and landscapes the garden and does general DIY repairs, and I don't know how to do any of that and I hate learning new things and I hate looking incompetent. So I steer clear, and he does all that sort of thing.

I think that's quite common, actually; socially, it's easier for me to simper at someone in a garage than to learn to change my own tyres, too. If I'd ever lived alone I'd have perhaps learned more of these skills, and I have told my husband that I really really want him to involve our daughter in that sort of thing as she grows up. He learned to use table saws at his Daddy's knee, whereas no-one ever taught me anything of the sort, and I want our daughter to benefit from his knowledge.

The only things I do that he does are things like baking, but that's a preference thing. Actually he makes a mean apple pie when the mood takes him.

Laundry is the favourite chore of both of us. He does think I'm bonkers for ironing children's clothes, though.

[Tortington]

its a matter of time in out house, i have more time, i do more. i feel this is fair.

dh came home yesterday and i had fallen asleep when i came in from work - when i woke up he had my tea ready

just about fairness.

[SolidGoldBrass]

I think if someone has a particular task they loathe, it;s OK not to do it if they take on their fair share of other tasks, and the particular task isn't the absolute worst one in the household ie something particularly gross, exhausting, time consuming to a greater extent than the rest of the shitwork.
My quick calculator for fairness works like this, though - do all the adults in the household have an equal amount of leisure time, regardless of their monetary contribution? If yes, your household is equal. If the money earner gets all the free time and the non-wage-earner gets no child-free, chore free time, then the wage earner is treating and percieveing the non wage earner as a servant.

[nooka]

I think that is a really good measure SGB. My dh is the domestic one in our house. I am I have to admit fairly lazy on that front. Currently he is a SAHD so it is fair enough that he does the cleaning, laundry etc because those get done during the day (and our children are at school and at 9 and 10 don't really need a huge amount of looking after). When he is happy he cooks the evening meal too. When he is feeling low I do that when I get home (short commute). When we both worked we had a cleaner, I did most of the cooking an he did all the washing (he really doesn't like me doing the washing).

But I have to admit when I wasn't working I didn't do half the stuff he does now. But I hated being at home, whereas he really seems very happy, and gets enough video gaming in to feel his life is balanced I guess.

I do all the DIY and gardening.

[Beachcomber]

That's a good way to look at it SGB. Using your method, our household is pretty fair.

Before having the DCs we shared all tasks really. I probably cooked more because I like it and DH did more dishes (before diswasher).

Then we had children and I stopped work for a year with DD1. Obviously I did more then. Also took time off for DD2 and also did more then.

Now I have managed to wangle things that I work from home so I do more childcare during the week and obviously do more house stuff because I'm here so can put a wash on, etc.

Also DH works longer hours than me.

SGB's leisure time theory works well for us here as most weekends DH gets up with the kids on both Saturday and Sunday. I don't tend to sleep in but enjoy not having to jump up and be mum straight away. I read a book generally. At the weekend we share stuff although DH does more stuff like chopping wood (I'm a bit nervous of the big axe). He's good about getting the hoover out and good at bathrooms and toilets.

Pretty fair really although I did find it both hard and interesting to see how our roles changed when I SAH with the kids.

[seeker]

Both of us will do anything. But he hates washing up and I don't mind it so I do it. And I hate hoovering, so an inclined to flick over and he does a proper job.

He doesn't do lunch boxes - because he's useless in the mornings - and he doesn't do nits because he can't bear the thought of pulling the dc's hair, while I like nothing better than a bug hunt.

[Beachcomber]

Very true about learning behaviour.

I grew up in a single parent family where my mum worked and had to do everything else. My sister and I were brought up to be very independent and obviously helped my mum with jobs like cutting the grass, washing the car, pruning trees, DIY, etc as well as cooking, cleaning, etc.

My dad lived alone for a while and always cooked properly and is the tidiest person I know with a very clean house. Now, when we go to visit my dad and his partner, he does nearly all the cooking and they share the housework and gardening.

I remember when I first met DH's (French) family and I was that his dad would sit at the table at meal times with his wife scurrying around doing everything. When he had finished eating he just got up and walked away from the table leaving her to clear everything up.

Luckily DH isn't like his dad and agrees with me that their roles are not fair (MIL works full time and commutes).

[ShinyAndNew]

Everything is womens work here. Right down drilling holes for curtain wires. DH does not have a clue because he was pandered to as a child and everything was done for him.

On the rare occasions he does help he is better at washing up than me.

MIL and my mum do/did everything for their Hs too. I am not happy with being left to do everything alone because 'he works long hours'. I work too and do all the childcare/petcare/cooking/shopping/cleaning/diy........ It causes many arguments.

[boogeek]

I like SGB's approach - because at the end of the day we all have jobs we loathe (I don't put on duvet covers, DH doesn't clean a bathroom) and if one can find a partner to share these things with then life is happier all round, I don't feel a need to make him scrub the loo out of principle. At the moment I am the one who is home most so I do most of the jobs - but I am also the one who gets to have coffee out with friends, and we both sit down in the evening.
Having said all that, my DH was also a pandered child and while he is happy to do jobs he does not see them, so I am always the one to say x needs doing. (Apart from swepping the patio for some reason, which never reaches the top of my list but he does every few weeks).

[msrisotto]

Well, I am not allowed to do washing after too many shrunk/dyed clothes so DP does that. I'm more likely to push the hoover around than him but tbh neither of us does housework realy and are about to hire a cleaner! We cook together if we both have spare time, if not then whoever is at home first does the cooking. Overall, he does more housework than me.

Even though my mum is fanatical about having a spotless house, it just isn't something that occurs to me.

[IMoveTheStars]

We don't have a great balance - DP is a neat freak and can't leave anything in the kitchen and just HAS to wash it up, and will leave DS in front of CBeebies while he does this. He does all the hoovering and cleans the bathroom.

I do all the general tidying, all the laundry, meal plans and 95% of the cooking, admin, most of the childcare etc. I book the holidays and basically organise everything

He does all the DIY (I am more than competant in this area but don't get a look in) and sorts out anything to do with the car.

[MrsWobbleTheWaitress]

Our household chores are shared out according to circumstance, not sex. It's as simple as that! He clears the kitchen each morning before he goes to work, because he has child-free time to do it in the mornings. I do the laundry because it needs doing during the day, when I'm home. If I have the ironing board out during the day, I do his shirts, if not, he does them before work each day. He does laundry on his days off - well, whoever is free does it!

I do all the organising as I'm better at it, better at time-management and better at prioritising, but not because I'm the woman and he's the man.

[antoinettechigur]

Oooh all very interesting.

I hope it didn't seem like I was moaning excessively about DP not doing laundry, just find the strength of his aversion to it striking. And he tried that "you're so much better" tack. Once.

I agree with what people said about overall fairness being the key, especially what SGB says about leisure time.

We don't have children yet, may do soonish, but I wonder how that affects housework. Seems like housework and childcare are sometimes a package deal unless you are careful?

Certainly seems the case in same and mixed? sex couples with DCs I know - with the odd moan resulting.

[Dillie]

I am actually ashamed to say that my dh does jack. He will run the hoover over if I nag him enough!!

I work too, so housework doesnt really get done and most of the time looks like a tip. My dd is very good though. Even though she is 4 and a half, she well help me. Mostly without me even asking. I do feel bad, as I dont want her to grow up thinking that women have to do everything! There is always clean clothes, tidy kitchen, food on the table etc.

As for DIY, I am completely useless and my dad does most of it or at least points me in the right direction I had to wait 3 years for my DH to put a shelf up in DD's bedroom. Eventually I got the drill out, the shelf, all fixings, phoned my dad and bless him he said, wait until we come to visit! (They live 160 miles away)

[Takver]

I agree that there is no need to divide every task absolutely equally - I love making bread, DH has no interest - what would be the point in him doing it, especially since its not in any sense essential as we can perfectly well go & buy some.

Overall we split household chores fairly equally though we each have things that we tend to do (I do most of the washing, he does most of the hoovering, for example). We definitely have equal amounts (or not) of leisure time.

I did spend many years guilt tripping over how DH does much more DIYing/mechanic-ing etc. than me (and trying to do my share), but at a certain point I realised that he does far more than nearly any other man I know, either, as a result of his upbringing (FiL has been spending all his leisure time recently building his own lathe. . .). Unfortunately, while my dad did loads of stuff with me, his talents are more in the baking/cooking/gardening line.

I now figure, as with the bread, if its a non-essential, & DH wants to do it, fine, and I only feel a moral obligation to join in & be crap at it do my share if it is vital & we couldn't reasonably expect in other circs to do it another way/employ someone else.

[Slubberdegullion]

We follow the SGB rule of thumb too.

I do 100% of the household stuff monday to friday because I am in the house %100 of the time and dh is %100 not. (well maybe 65% not, but the other 35% he is mostly sleeping, with a bit of washing himself, and eating).



In a 24 hour period he is out of the house 53.33recurring% of the time.

Gosh when you look at it like that, instead of him doing a 14 hour day, it doesn't look too bad at all. What is he moaning about.

Maybe he should be doing more work.

Anyhoo, on the weekends it's 50-50.

[Slubberdegullion]

58.33 recurring.

I'll ease off a bit.

[hazeyjane]

dh is the wage earner, I am the non wage earner, and we have 2 los under 4.

In a venn diagram (I love a venn diagram) of household chores, I would say that dh does lots of car stuff, diy stuff, sorting out piles of paper (I am very good at making piles, crap at sorting them out). I tend to do the laundry, cleaning and paying bills. Then there is the crossover bit in the middle, which we both do, depending on knackeredness, who gets there first etc - this would be tidying up, hoovering, washing up, cooking, recycling, bins.

I know a lot of people who complain about their partners not doing certain household chores, but then when the partner does the chore, they moan that it hasn't been done properly - I am anal about the way washing is hung up, and sometimes if dh does it, I have to hold myself back from re hanging it, because really it doesn't matter and the job is still done.

[GerMom7]

I have been completely shocked by how DH and I have slipped into traditional gender roles since birth of DS (14mo). He does virtually zero housework - will clean the bathroom at the weekend if nagged, very occasionally cooks and really that is about it.

He is good at DIY but it has taken over a year to get him to put some pictures up. It frustrates me that I need to ask him to do stuff like that, as I wish I knew how myself, but the truth is I don't and DIY terrifies me due to having a dad with short fuse who spent a lot of time swearing and shouting when he had to do things around the house! I always feel as though something catastrophic will happen so leave well alone.

DH does work long hours and is away two days during the week but I am working part time and studying part time (Should be working just now) so it does feel a bit unfair and leads to arguments at times. He says he will do anything if asked but it is very annoying to be made to feel like the nagging old bint

Might have to employ the statistical analysis to our arrangement!