Reporting historic rape and terrified

[whitetigerlily]

Am posting here as when I did a search on reporting rape this was the section that seemed to not mind discussing it.

Despite knowing all the reasons not to very well indeed, I am on the verge of reporting the man who sexually abused and raped me when I was 13 (28 years ago).

I have being seeing a therapist who is the first person to ever make me feel like I had the right and the reasons to do this, and even though I know it will probably go nowhere I feel I can't not do this. Can anyone understand that?

Am already in touch with Rape Crisis. Just need some reassurance that it's ok for me to do this as I'm really scared.

Thanks

[BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure]

It's ok, it's more than ok, and you are very strong to do this.

We believe you.

[LurcioAgain]

Good luck. And so sorry this happened to you.

I haven't experienced what you have, but my experience of fighting a workplace dismissal battle was that, even though I knew from the outset I was overwhelmingly likely to lose (and I did - contract was unjust but not illegal), the fact that I fought did wonders for my self esteem. Sometimes knowing you stood up and told the truth can be a source of strength. I hope it is for you.

[QueenStromba]

I reported a rape five years after the fact and it was taken very seriously but unfortunately they couldn't find the man. The police were lovely and supportive all throughout and I only had to speak to female police officers. It was a scary thing to do but I feel a lot better having reported it even though nothing has come of it.

[ppplease]

I have a mind that will not let things lie. So I would definitely report.
Good luck.

[BitOutOfPractice]

Oh OP I'm so sorry to hear that this happened to you.

Of course you can and should report this. I sincerely hope you can get some justice. I admire your courage and wish you all the very very best

[CaptChaos]

I believe you.

You are stronger than I am, I could never report. If you keep posting, we will be here for you.

[SabrinaMulhollandJjones]

Yes, whitetigerlily, it is ok for you to do this. I wish you well, and I hope you can get some closure.

And good for your therapist too, it's good that you have that support.

[ppplease]

I imagine that reporting, even if nothing happened, must be part of the healing process.

[turbonerd]

I will support you. I was terrified when I had told the police what happened and they came back saying they would investigate it and press for the cpa to charge with rape. That was a 5 year old case (dv, ongoing sexual abuse type thing) the police were Very supportive. In the end the charges were dropped because of not enough evidence. But it made a huge difference to my view of myself and that someone believed me with no victim blaming. I hope you will find the support you need.

[whitetigerlily]

Thanks everyone. Am bit stressed today. I didn't sleep last night for worrying about this.

Basically I met the guy when I was 12 and he spent months grooming me for sex. I was very vulnerable as came from a chaotic alcoholic home (hence the reason he was able to take me out in the middle of the night and sexually abuse me without my parents knowing or caring).
I would be rigid with fear and totally repelled as I had already had already been sexually abused when I was aged around 7, but he manipulated me and took me in one time when my father had turned violent on me and I believed he would help me out of the situation I was living in at home- he had witnessed the violence and knew about the previous sexual abuse and used both to coerce me into finally having sex age 13. After he'd done that a few times with me as I lay gritting my teeth and on the verge of tears, he told me that I was now ruined and no one else would ever want me.

Like a lot of people I used to believe that the word rape could only be applied when violent physical force was applied and therefore always blamed myself for "allowing" this to happen. I don't think I can really overstate the effect this had on my life- the awful, damaging relationships, the anxiety and depression, the complete lack of self esteem etc. I have recently been diagnosed with PTSD due to the abuse and many other aspects of my childhood. It completely warped my view of men and relationships, destroyed my ability to trust myself or others.

There are so many things that would be used against me in court, and my abuser is now extremely wealthy and could afford the very best of defence. My counsellor says it doesn't matter if he claims I consented to sex as it is still statutory rape due to my age. I believe he may also threaten my life or pay someone to hurt me as he is aggressive and totally amoral. I don't think I have a hope in hell of this even getting to court but all I can say is that no one has ever, in my life stood up for me, and once, just once, I want that , miserably unhappy, neglected 13 year old girl that I was to be treated as if someone actually cared. The only person she has is me, and after all the years of self hatred, I want to treat myself as I would my own daughter and call this what it was- a totally unacceptable criminal act. Now that I have faced up to what actually happened I feel as if there is no turning back- does anyone understand this?

Rape crisis reported him anonymously on my behalf back in January. I was hoping the police would tell me I was not the first to have reported him but (although I would be astonished if there weren't others) no one else has come forward. So if I want him investigated at all I have to give my name. He can threaten me if he likes, but I have two children.

Am so scared. Please don't tell me just to let it go because it's not that simple- I know because I've tried for nearly 3 decades.

Thanks for listening to me and sorry for epic post.

[BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure]

We are here

Are you still in touch with Rape Crisis?

[whitetigerlily]

Yes I spoke to them last night. They are sending me out info about the reporting process.

[QueenStromba]

That's awful, I'm glad you're getting help.

The process when I went through it was that I phoned 101, they took some basic details and sent two police officers around about an hour later. One was male but it was the female officer that asked me the questions. In my case it was also "consensual" in that I knew that he was having sex with me whether I wanted it or not so I consented in the hope I could at least get him to wear a condom. I was not made to feel at any point that the police didn't believe me or that they thought it was any less rape because I had "consented".

Later the same day I was phoned by the Sapphire Unit (the UK equivalent of SVU) and they made an appointment for me to come in to give a formal statement on camera about two weeks later. I was allowed bring my DP with me but he wasn't allowed to stay for the actual interview. The detective on my case was male but it was a female police officer who had been trained in dealing with rape victims that interviewed me and she was my point of contact with the police.

I can't tell you what comes after that because in my case they couldn't find the bastard.

Good luck. When I was going through this I had a thread in chat and found everyone to be so supportive - I'm happy to hold your hand while you go through this and I'm sure everyone else on the thread will too.

[CaptChaos]

I imagine that reporting, even if nothing happened, must be part of the healing process.

Both of my rapists are now dead.

I do understand the feeling of there being no turning back, and I am so glad you seem to have good support. We're still here for hand holding though

[ppplease]

I meant even if nothing happened after it was reported.

[ppplease]

This may sound daft, but would it help if you wrote a "report" for the police, and then chose whether to hand it in or not. Regardless of what the police did with it?
Not sure if that is a silly thing for me to write or not.
But I am a great believer in the old expression "better out than in".

[whitetigerlily]

queenstromba was it a historical case you reported? I am worried because this happened so long ago. Also a friend who is a lawyer said this guy could get away with anything because of who he is (multi millionaire businessman). But then I see Gary Glitter being tried for offences from the 70s and I think, as my counsellor said, people like him and Jimmy Saville have changed everything in terms of historical investigations?

[Singsongmama]

Hand to hold

It doesn't matter who he is - what he did was wrong and illegal and he is wholly culpable.

Good luck

[QueenStromba]

My rape was about five years before I reported it, so not as long ago as yours but still long ago enough that there would be no physical evidence and the exact details are hazy. The man who raped me was a doctor so social status isn't important to the police - they really wanted to go after him but they couldn't find him as I didn't remember enough details about him. I bet the police will be all over your case given operation Yewtree - the public is very intolerant of men getting away with child rape because of who they are these days.

[ToAvoidConversation]

Hand to hold here too.

Nothing else I can add to what I've seen above but wishing you bravery and hope going through the process helps you heal.