Is there a time and place to NOT speak up about misogyny and abuse? eg facebook and the like

(83 Posts)
alltoomuchrightnow Mon 02-Sep-13 18:50:44

To try and summarise.. i left my alcoholic and also extremely misogynistic and abusive fiance this summer. I fled everything and am in the horrible position of being back at my parents, in a complete mess, traumatised and with a life to rebuild.
I have tried to keep my head down and just get on with things, but ex's abuse and harrassment still reaches me. I'm waiting to see my DV advisor and will probably have to get an order against him as he's stopping me from moving on.
Ex is continuously spreading vicious lies and rumours about me, inc on public forums such as facebook and a podcast he does. So far i've tried to keep dignity and ignore it all, though it's hard. But it all came to a head last week.
I know Facebook isnt the place for it,but it's all i'm on , apart from Mumsnet. Even then, i did not lower to his depths..and did not mudsling at all . I put (on my status) that i was sick of the lies and having to justify and explain myself all the time.. and felt i was being punishing merely for having left abuse. I did not name him personally, just referred to as my ex. And warned others against him..with good reason..he was harrassing my friends and family right then. That is all i put.
I should explain that when he puts vicious rants about me, there's very few that stick up for me. Most people just ignore..i guess by now, they know what/ who he is. (i have blocked him by the way, but people keep telling me what he's put) Sadly, some people actually support him..enablers..and send him money to live on, as his now slashed benefits all go on booze. He is very charming and charismatic so is very good at pretending to people he's in the right all the time and will make up lies as to why i left..eg i had affairs or whatever...he will tell people i'm mentally ill and lie about abuse (when he himself is mentally ill, and I am not, though i have bad anxiety and depression over all this)
When i put my statuses saying i thought the lies were unfair.and to warn people.. my inbox was flooded. Strangely enough..it was male friends offering sympathy and support. It was some women... who were the opposite. Telling me to take down my statuses as i was doing myself no favours . That i was laying myself too bare and vulnerable (but unlike my ex, id given no specifics about anything)
They said i'd be laying myself open to more attack from him.
I took down all my statuses.
But he's still kicking off at me and spreading muck
I'm angry i should be told to keep quiet and not speak out. Why should i try and protect him ? Pretend it never happened?
I realise FB is not the place..but i wasnt mudslinging, merely warning others that he was harrassing my friends and it could be them next..and not to believe any lies.
So..should i have removed them ? After all, others make a stand for things on FB be it something they're promoting, or something they believe in.
Why shouldn't i promote anti misogny, if i wanted? And be empowered that i left him?
why is it women telling me to keep quiet as it's airing dirty laundry (and i emphasise again..unlike him, i gave NO details)
HOw is me talking about him , letting him win? (that was their accusation) He's stripped me bare, there is nothing more he can take from me.
Why should i pretend DV doesnt happen, so people can go on ignoring it and burying their heads?
I'm not trying to be a victim..I'm a survivor. I'm happy I left. Why are other women warning me to keep quiet?
I would really appreciate views here but please go easy on me! i'm still reeling from what he's put me through and the damage he's still causing.

alltoomuchrightnow Mon 02-Sep-13 18:51:16

Sorry that's so long!
I feel really let down, that female friends told me to take down my statuses.

alltoomuchrightnow Mon 02-Sep-13 18:55:54

I accept if i'm being totally oversensitive right now.....but it feels like i'm being told to be the 'little woman' and to keep quiet and shut up about it all... and the fact his woman friends have given him money..knowing who and what he is..sickens me. He abused his ex wife too.. people know this..why are there so many enablers out there? I feel he has to justify nothing (and believe me, he's done some really evil stuff lately) because he can (and does) just states he's ill..yet i have to keep justifying the lies he spreads about me.. I know others with illnesses and addictions and they'd never get away with treating others like he does. Why do people support the abuser over the abused woman?

LRDMaguliYaPomochTebeSRaboti Mon 02-Sep-13 18:57:12

Oh, that sounds horrible.

Is there any reason not to delete and block him on facebook?

alltoomuchrightnow Mon 02-Sep-13 19:04:40

he is blocked. but mutual friends keep me informed of the vile spew he says about me and others (he will drag my friends into it too) i guess its cyber bullying. he will put very personal stuff about me like about my fertility, dress size etc or accuse me of all sorts eg affairs with married men or that i have eating disorders (how kind he is..and disrespectful others that have problems that he's accusing me of).. last week he went too far and he broke up my relationship with a new man. I'm totally heartbroken..and furious. He announced on FB that he'd break us up..and then he did. He outed loads of very personal stuff about me and this guy inc stuff from past and a good measure of lies. that's why i finally said something in my statuses. and it was the woman telling me to keep quiet! hmm The new guy wants nothing to do with me now, because my ex wont leave me alone and therefore will target them too (which he did)

alltoomuchrightnow Mon 02-Sep-13 19:05:20

the women not woman arggh!

scallopsrgreat Mon 02-Sep-13 19:55:54

I think your women 'friends' are doing the classic of minimising nasty male behaviour and focussing solely on quite reasonable female behaviour and equating them at the same level. hmm I also don't think that they want to face up to the fact that you were in an abusive relationship and they stood by and let it happen.

This is one of the many reasons women find it so difficult to leave abusive relationships. There are so many enablers outside their relationship.

I'm not surprised you feel let down. Anyone would. Your feelings are valid and I'm sorry you are going through this. You haven't done anything wrong.

WilsonFrickett Mon 02-Sep-13 20:24:40

Scallops is right.

But I would also suggest coming off facebook for a while. It's not doing you any good at all. Now I know that may sound like I too am trying to silence you - I'm not, at all. It's your right to say what you like, where you like, of course.

But ultimately a social media site is just something to mess around with while the ad breaks are on. It's not important. But by continuing to use it you are continuing to allow XP in to your home, every day IYSWIM. And you need to move on from that situation. You have left him - well done. Now you have to heal and move forward. Only allow people in your life who can help you with that. Not your shitty apologist 'friends' and certainly not your X. Take down your account for a week and see if things improve.

nameequality Mon 02-Sep-13 20:29:03

I'm glad you have managed to get away (physically) from this abusive man. I believe everything you have said.

Do you have a date for your meeting with your DV advisor?

I think that you should speak to the police as you are being stalked.

Have a look at the DASH risk checklist.

Can you ask people not to tell you what he has put on Facebook? Your friends are asking you to modify your behaviour which is a form of victim blaming.

Please check out the everyday victim blaming website. I think this will give you some comfort as you can label what your friends are doing. Please understand that victim blaming is deeply embedded in our culture. You could perhaps share the website with your friends. You may want to make new <feminist!> friends going forward.

As to why the abuser is supported over the abused well I think that is in the main due to Patriarchy. Have you read any feminist books?

You can talk to someone on the Rights of Women helpline about getting an order against him.

Have you heard of the Freedom programme? Would you consider going on this programme before embarking on another relationship?

This new guy was not right for you if he has been put off by your ex. How did he get in touch with him? This is part of the stalking and I think needs to be reported to the police. Do discuss this with your DV advisor and use the checklist linked above.

I hope your parents are supportive? Do you have a job?

Do you think your ex might suspect you post here? You can get this moved somewhere quieter (non searchable) on MN if you like?

I hope you will find that a feminist perspective will help you make sense of what has happened/is happening to you.

BasilBabyEater Mon 02-Sep-13 21:32:18

I'd post the everyday victim-blaming site on your FB status to point out to your silly friends what they're doing.

And then dump them and get new friends if they don't learn from it.

Also report the bloke to the police for harassment - just because it's happening in a virtual environment, doesn't mean it's not real, it's still harassment.

scallopsrgreat Mon 02-Sep-13 22:19:38

The website is here. You can also submit your experience (anonymously) if you feel it would help to write your story down and get validation from others.

alltoomuchrightnow Mon 02-Sep-13 23:52:22

im back and really, really scared. he has been threatening my friends tonight. ive been getting messages thru from them telling me. inc my best friend. she says if i dont stop him i'll lose her forever. i cant lose her, i've already lost this new guy. its not violent threats, it's about exposing things he knows about people. he's done it before to people, to hurt me. She said it's my fault for not stopping him before. I was too scared to. i need to speak to police in morn. my parents wont let me deal with it tonight as they say it's non emergency. i will ring the policeman i dealt with months ago..he begged me then to get an injunction back then. my best friend is saying its all my fault , as i didnt do it then. I didnt because then..as now..he had my pet and possessions and i didnt want his son to hate me

alltoomuchrightnow Mon 02-Sep-13 23:53:01

and because of the blackmail and threats.
No, my parents arent supportive. my dad is an abusive bully but not a drinker. violent when i was young but he's old now. he's still a controlling bully,,like my ex

scallopsrgreat Mon 02-Sep-13 23:59:03

If you don't stop him??? Wtf? Since when have you been responsible for his behaviour? Since when could you stop him? And she's your best friend? Why isn't she blocking him (although I think that horse has bolted if she is already getting blackmail threats)?

Regardless of that it is time to get the police involved. Really, neither of you should have to put up with it.This is harassment/blackmail and probably a whole host of other things.

Ring the police non emergency number and get some advice, quickly.

AnyFucker Tue 03-Sep-13 00:03:06

Report to police first thing in morning. All of it.

alltoomuchrightnow Tue 03-Sep-13 00:04:06

he has her and her partner's mobile numbers.

BOF Tue 03-Sep-13 00:07:02

Just screenshot everything and go to the police. You will be able to get an injunction to stop him doing this.

alltoomuchrightnow Tue 03-Sep-13 00:08:03

my parents are angry with me for again bringing stress to their home (oh so i didnt flee here in terror?) and telling me to deal with it in morning. i will end up totally alone and isolated. the new guy has not only been convinced of my ex's lies and is now against me..(despite what my ex did to him!) but i will lose more friends inc best friend. she has told me in black and white terms..i will lose her as she will blame me. she said i need to be taught a lesson and its my wake up call and all my fault for meeting him on facebook and agreeing to go and meet him. but he was a recovered alcoholic. He was dry for 6 yrs. so we had a good 3 yrs out of our 4. it was only the last year he picked up the bottle again. I should say ive never joined so much as a dating agency or met a guy on the net before. we had many mutual friends and i'd already seen him at a gig. he wasnt a stranger. how did i know what would happen?

alltoomuchrightnow Tue 03-Sep-13 00:08:41

he still has my stuff and my beloved pet whom i can't get yet :-( he'll punish me for this. why do you think i didnt act before

WafflyVersatile Tue 03-Sep-13 00:09:19

Tell your friends to report him too. He is blackmailing them.

It's not fair to hold you responsible for his actions.

WafflyVersatile Tue 03-Sep-13 00:10:24

Ask the police to escort you to his to remove your stuff?

alltoomuchrightnow Tue 03-Sep-13 00:36:31

im so scared im shaking i know i'll be up all night again and no strength to deal with this but i'll have to do it. i can't remove my stuff.. i'm too ill from all this to drive there (two counties away) and no where to put my stuff. i ws going to get storage with new man but of course ex scared him off. i cant afford a van or storage alone. i have to leave my stuff.

alltoomuchrightnow Tue 03-Sep-13 00:37:44

i shouldve done this in Feb when the police begged me to, so this is partly my fault

alltoomuchrightnow Tue 03-Sep-13 00:38:15

im just in constant fear and anxiety and unable to act..but i will in morning i promise. i cant put my friend thru this

WafflyVersatile Tue 03-Sep-13 00:43:52

Well if the police were begging you to take out an injunction then you should be confident that they will support you in taking one out now and enforcing it.

It seems a bit harsh that your friends and family are having a go at you but I can also understand that this is impacting greatly on their lives too and that it must be frustrating for them.

I hope you get some sleep.

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