five things women do that frighten men off

(129 Posts)
SantaIAmSoFuckingRock Tue 04-Dec-12 21:46:31

anyone seen this 5 things women do that frighten men off?

so basically

1) expect to have no input at all into where your relationship, sorry, his relationship with you, is going

2)hide your real self, poor men cant be expected cope with a real woman

3) do what you were told not to do in no1 and voice your own opinion, but only as far as what you watch on tv. apparently he now wants to date an equal.

4)dont make him jealous, but do.

5)dont have emotions. emotions mean you are out of control and weak.

so, now you all know wink

but seriously, this has to be a piss take. what woman (the tip giver is a female dating 'expert') honestly believes this shit?

SolidGoldYESBROKEMYSPACEBAR Wed 05-Dec-12 14:21:19

See, I think that wanting a committed relationship is in itself a dubious, unhealthy goal, especially for women. If someone you are dating turns out to be someone that you want to spend a lot of time with and s/he feels the same, good luck and all that, but setting out to Find My Soulmate is basically putting your life on hold when there are so many other things you could do. Even if it's a case of wanting DC and worrying about time running out, there are so many other options available - and if you're looking for a father for your potential DC, you're likely to be even more desperate and forgiving of faults.

And I have also met plenty of men who are needy, desperate, gagging for commitment, full of appalling romantic guff about 'You could be The One' so I, at least, am not saying that it's only women who do this sort of thing.

LRDtheFeministDude Wed 05-Dec-12 14:26:01

Why's it unhealthy? What's the downside to a committed relationship?

I'd always understood that phrase, looking for a committed relationship, as meaning you didn't want to faff around with someone who was interested in sleeping with multiple partners. If someone likes doing that, fair enough, but IMO it's good to know from the outset what your set-up is, and healthier too, I'd think.

Romantic guff about 'the one' may not be your style (or mine), but I don't think it's quite the same thing, either.

FelicityWasSanta Wed 05-Dec-12 14:38:20

Is wanting a committed relationship dubious?

Committed relationships are enjoyed by the majority of adults in our culture. Not all relationships last the distance but the overwhelming majority experience committed relationships in their lives.

It is socially unnaceptable to appear 'needy' or 'desperate' male or female, however, it is ludicrous to suggest that millions of adults end up like that by accident.

AbigailAdams Wed 05-Dec-12 15:14:15

Oh I think that there is a feminist argument as to how long-term relationships are not good for women but that isn't really the point of the article nor the point that I and others were making SGB. As someone said up thread the depiction of the woman in the article is so passive and things like establishing ground rules; where you stand; ensuring your needs and wants are met is met with derision and the sureity of it being the quickest way to lose your man.

I don't like the implication that the man doesn't have to put any effort in, gets to call the shots and if you don't like it, well, leave. No discussion in case you seem needy; no compromise because men apparently don't want to do that (but obviously women do) and commitment is scary scary scary. So your options are observe, go at his pace, leave if it isn't what you want. That is not the depiction of a healthy relationship and nor how any relationships should be conducted (be they romantic or otherwise).

AbigailAdams Wed 05-Dec-12 15:15:21

In fact if this was a relationship with a business partner or boss the opposite would be recommended. Why when it is a personal/sexual relationship is this drivel pedalled?

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock Wed 05-Dec-12 16:27:00

"but setting out to Find My Soulmate is basically putting your life on hold when there are so many other things you could do. "

like what? i've done the teen thing, i've done the ONS thing, i've done the FWB thing, i've done the serious thing. i know what i want. i want long term companionship with a member or the opposite sex. i'm not putting anything on hold, i've done everything else i want to do, i've experienced and enjoyed it all but i know that i no longer want to do those things. my life is carrying on as normal, i'm raising my dcs, i'm getting back into employment, i'm planning our futures. none of it is being put on hold. a committed partner would only enhance my life not make it happen!

i'm certainly not looking for the one or a soulmate as i dont buy into that. i fully accept that i may spend 15 years with someone and then need to move on. but i do know i want a companion in my life. i hat ethe thought of spending my days moving from one person to the next and having no history with any of them.

sieglinde Wed 05-Dec-12 17:10:25

Gee. So they don't want Bella Swan and Ana Steele after all? Who knew? smile

Joke over; this dispiriting piece illustrates how far some supposedly feminist goals are really MEN'S goals. Calm, independent, not needy, hard to get, feisty... no kidding. Yet if you write a book about a girl like this, people will hail it as feminist.

TeiTetua Wed 05-Dec-12 18:39:55

Not Bella Swan or Ana Steele--or Bridget Jones.

OrangePanda Sat 08-Dec-12 06:59:50

I am sorry but I do not find it funny when someone makes a post that it is a good idea to stab and suffacate somebody. The woman who said it and the women who laughed about it must be ashamed of yourselves

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Sat 08-Dec-12 07:03:02

Who said that on this thread, OrangePanda?

OrangePanda Sat 08-Dec-12 07:32:10

Karlos, abigail and grumpia

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Sat 08-Dec-12 07:40:02

I see.

Did you have any thoughts on the article?

OrangePanda Sat 08-Dec-12 07:43:07

I didn't look at the link and the 5 points at the top of the thread were too confusing. As if someone with poor english written it

FivesGoldNorks Sat 08-Dec-12 07:44:51

"There genuinely are ways that people drive a potential partner away, and being latched onto quickly, and totally catered to, are likely to be among them"

But that's not what the article said - it said "men are X...women do Y"
That is sexist

However I can see where SGB is coming from. I think parts of it are good advice for anyone. Shame it's aimed exclusively at how women can modify their behaviour.

FivesGoldNorks Sat 08-Dec-12 07:45:23

Orange I think you're on the wrong thread

OrangePanda Sat 08-Dec-12 07:48:54

I think that is why there is argument about what it means - it is not clear at all. I am sure that one thing that will mean a woman will not have a decent man is if she wants to stab him with her scissors

FivesGoldNorks Sat 08-Dec-12 07:50:12

OK confused

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Sat 08-Dec-12 07:56:48

Orange, I see you're fairly new to Mumsnet. Sometimes people don't read a whole thread before posting as it's got too long, but it is customary to read and respond to the OP at least. If any of it needs clarifying, just ask.

OrangePanda Sat 08-Dec-12 08:22:36

It is not possible to respond to it because it is not clear english. An article is not written well if people have to argue about what it means

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Sat 08-Dec-12 08:25:10

Funny how the rest of us have managed, Orange.

We are clear about the meaning of all the words in the article - we are discussing whether the ideas are any good.

OrangePanda Sat 08-Dec-12 09:05:11

That is not true. ruddynorah and santa-somebody think it meant different things. That means the article is not well written and it is not good that someone says she stabs and suffacates men

It makes me sad that women think people can be stabbed. It has spoiled the thread - but it wasn't a good thread at the beginning anyway! because of the unclear article

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Sat 08-Dec-12 09:16:50

If you expect everyone in a thread to agree about the interpretation of everything, I fear your time on mumsnet may be fraught.

Which of the interpretations of the article do you agree with?

OrangePanda Sat 08-Dec-12 09:24:52

What is 'fraught' please?

I like ruddynorah's way of saying what it means - just get on with life and see if you meet a good man. if the article means that then i agree with it. No games, no trying to catch a man but if a prince comes in your life then WOW!

LRDtheFeministDude Sat 08-Dec-12 12:09:35

orange, I didn't find the English unclear but if you do, fair enough (excuse me for asking, but it's not your first language, am I right?). I think (if santa will excuse me) what she's saying only really makes sense if you read the article too - that's the whole point! So perhaps if you try that you'll get it.

If not, I think the general point she's making is that she feels this advice is asking women to be passive in relationships and to hide their emotions and opinions, but at the same time, to change these if need be and display more 'correct' opinions for the man they're dating.

I don't think there's any way to interpret the article as advocating 'no games', honestly.

I agree with you about the stab comments, TBH, they don't make me terribly comfortable, but usually if you let posters know you're bothered and they read the thread, they'll come and explain/apologize if they need to. The rest of us who can still chat.

AbigailAdams Sat 08-Dec-12 12:47:31

I think I can reassure you Orange that Karlos isn't going to stab and suffocate someone. She was insinuating that the woman who wrote the article probably thought that the women she was aiming the article at were one step away from stabbing and suffocating their partners. Which is obviously ridiculous but how women can be portrayed in some quarters. It was a joke at women's expense, not men's. So your precious men can rest easy in their sleep. We aren't after their blood.

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