Really struggling...

[needastrongone]

I feel so dreadful writing this.

Firstly, we have a 7 month old Springer. He's a well mannered, well behaved, gentle dog. Perfect in many ways. Never chewed or nipped or cried at night. Toilet trained etc.

I walk him twice a day for 2.5 hours at least in total. Train him (he's done his KC Bronze), clicker train, feed him lovely food, groom him, kids play with him lots. He's not left for more than 3 hours ever. In the evenings he's at my feet in the living room and I stroke and cuddle him. he gets that during the day too from me. None of us have ever shouted at him, we use positive praise always.

He's had lots of medical issues already, thorn in his eye so he will eventually go blind, a tumour on his foot which has been taken off but he's opened the wound despite a collar the size of Mars (!). I am at the vets at least twice a week at the minute and it feels never ending.

I am so struggling to bond with him, which is breaking my heart. Have tried so hard to love him, I thought I did, but I look at him and feel nothing. I have posted quite a bit on here, think I have been trying to convince myself as much as anything about all the good stuff he is and does.

Please don't think I will rehome, DH and the kids love him to pieces and I wouldn't want them to know this. I have never shouted at him (apart from when he ate my seedlings!!), I meet all his needs and will always do so, we have adapted our life to fit him. I would never ever be cruel to him in anyway, shape or form. I chat with him during the day all the time and he follows me everywhere, flops at my feet and then just stares at me intently until I move. Which I find a bit hard tbh.

I don't care about the mud or the hair or any of that, I don't care about the medical bills etc or the chasing around to the vets all the time.

But I want to love him, I want to look at him and feel overwhelming love, and I feel nothing.

Please don't flame me, I want to love him and am asking you guys if there's anything else that I might do to help?

[ChickensHaveNoEyebrows]

You know what, I can completely relate. I was the same with my accident prone, anal gland issue spaniel, too. I did everything right, spent a fortune, made sure he was always cared for and exercised, but it all felt like work. It wore me down, and I'd look at him some nights as he snored upside down on the sofa and think 'But tomorrow, it all starts again'. I was anxious and miserable. It was less like dog ownership, and more like a prison sentence. So, what changed? He grew up a bit. He stopped trying to kill himself regularly. I sorted the anal gland thing (mostly). He started to show me affection, and behave. And now, at nearly 2, I adore him. He's my mate. We walk for miles and explore together. Puppies are hard. I'm doing the puppy thing again, and it isn't freaking me out nearly as much this time because I know it gets better.

[needastrongone]

Chickens - thanks so much. Your first 5 or so lines sum up exactly how I feel, like he's a chore and not a pleasure. I spend my time wondering when I will feel the joy and not the obligation... Thanks for understanding and not flaming.

[mistlethrush]

Out of interest - where do you walk him? Is this somewhere you actually like to be? I really enjoy walking the dog - but I enjoy it more when I'm walking somewhere that I really want to be as well as the dog having a walk. For instance, we have a perfectly good, large recreation field that's easy walking distance from the house which is pleasant to be in and the dog likes. However, I would prefer to go in the car a mile so that I can walk in a park that has a much wider landscape interest - there are bluebells at the moment, there is a stream, lakes, trees (varied), a bit of formal gardens etc etc. The dog likes them both, but I get more out of taking her to the second, so that's where we go more often.

[needastrongone]

Mistlethrush - That's the bit I enjoy, the walking tbh. We live in the countryside so I have lots of super walks at the doorstep. In addition, like you, I drive to a particular wooded area which is stunning but only 10 minutes max drive. I try to vary his walks to give him lots of different experiences so will sometimes go to a busy park too (not at the minute as his paw is too damaged).

It's the rest of it that I am struggling with tbh. I find it very very hard when he sits and just stares very intently at me, which he does if not asleep or walking! He doesn't play with his toys unless I go and sit with him and he doesn't go in the garden alone, but is happy to potter within a few feet of me if I am outside, then he will sit down and do his staring routine! I do play with him, but I can't all the time obviously.

[mistlethrush]

He is working out that if he stares at you, you feel guilty so do something that he is likely to want to do with you... It sounds to me as though you need to have a clear signal that you use (for both yourself and him) for when you're not going to give him any attention. I saw someone recently suggest a traffic cone on a coffee table - when the cone is on the table you are not going to pay him any attention, and you can only pay him attention (this includes looking at him directly) when the cone is off the table - of course choose your own 'trigger' but make it one that is a good visible reminder for you both. Perhaps get him a chew toy that you can stuff with something nice for him to chew at when you're doing this.

You really don't need to be paying him attention every minute - and if he is demanding this, I can see how you're feeling stifled - which in turn is stopping you being able to love him as I am sure that you will do in time...

[ChickensHaveNoEyebrows]

Ignore the staring. My spaniel does the same. I pretend I can't see him I know I was guilty of revolving my day around the dog, and that led to resentment on my part. It all got better when I just got on with my day and fitted his training/walks in when it suited me. He seemed to relax more, too. You can teach a settle command if you want, to send him to his bed to relax instead of the shadowing thing. I do think shadowing and staring is a bit of a spaniel thing, though, and you do get used to it.

[pinkbear82]

ah springers. mine will be 12 months old in about a week. I often find my self tearing my hair out over him - I love dogs, but I wouldn't have picked a Springer my dp did.

I'm due to give birth in 2 days and haven't been able to walk him properly in a little while and my dp is currently away (a whole other story) and I was vert afraid the frustration I felt with the dog would mount even more at the moment.

and altho he does still have moments (currently playing with an Apple the fruit bowel decided to evacuate unannounced) he has actually calmed down and we have our own little routine going. yes I feel awful he's not currently getting all the exercise he needs, he does get some and when family are here is gets main priority. but I suddenly realise I'd miss the great oaf if he wasn't around (don't think the cat would) and he may be mental, and accident prone and daft but his puppy eyes tell me he loves me anyways.

[GetYourMoneyBackAtTheDoor]

You do love him. You adore him. You are just tired and stressed, and the feeling of love is covered up by a thick blanket of resentment and anxiety about how you feel.

Its a bit like having a difficult baby - I felt like I didn't 'bond' with, or really love dc2, who was high needs to say the least. But why else did I meet all his needs, despite it nearly killing me? Why wasn't he just a bit neglected?

Stop analysing how you feel. Your actions tell you how you feel. I adore my dog, don't even think about it, but I don't look after him to the high standard you do. I meet his needs, but he has a fairly rugged (though loved!) existence!

[Pizdets]

Aww, needastrongone, we got our dogs at a similar time and you''ve been really supportive to me, sorry to hear you're struggling.

I really found pizpup hard work at first, right up to about 7 months but now i adore him and have to hold myself back from cuddling him too much (24 weeks pregnant hormones might also be contributing!). Things I found helped:

1. I chilled out massively. Instead of monitoring his every move in case he wee'd or went off upstairs alone and caused trouble. He's now allowed to chill out on our bed in the daytime (still sleeps in his crate in the hall at night). I realised that I'd been so hot on training him and modifying his behavior that he didn't really know how to behave without cues from me. He's now happy pottering around the house and garden alone while I'm working and I get much more space.
   
   
2. Like mistlethrush suggests, we've taught him to leave us alone sometimes. He has to 'request attention' by sitting politely and he does exactly the same as your puppy...sits and stares intently waiting for attention! Our command is to flick a hand at him and say 'fuck offV(m(might have to modify when the baby comes!) And amazingly he's picked it up really quickly and will now look a bit sad but wander straight off and amuse himself! It took a bit of perseverance to ignore him (no eye contact etc at all) at first but we'll worth it.
   
   Not sure if any of that helps at all. You sound like such a dedicated and responsible dog owner, I'm sure it'll become more of a pleasure soon!
   
   Piz

[Floralnomad]

My dog is attached to my side if I'm at home , he waits at the bottom of the stairs if I go up otherwise he is literally on top of me . I however don't feel obliged to entertain him I just carry on with what I'm doing . I love him to bits but to a degree he has to fit into my life ,my life does not fit around him IYSWIM. As an aside is it a histiocytoma that he had removed as mine had that and we had to keep his leg bandaged to protect the stitches as there was not a lot of spare skin to play with if he'd pulled them out . In the end it took about 3 weeks of bandaging and antibiotics post OP to sort it . If you don't mind me saying you do come across as quite intense IYSWIM about the dog and the pony , you seem to be always trying to do the right thing rather than just going with the flow a bit . My advice - relax !

[needastrongone]

Thanks all

So glad I posted. I am a worrier and always want to do it right. I never was, then DH was diagnosed with bi-polar, which I initially tried to manage by making sure everything was 'perfect' in his life. Then I couldn't stop (I suspect I have the trait anyway, just never so bad )

The tumour was a histeocytoma, but it's at the stage where the wound needs to heal and not be dressed, as it isn't drying out, the trouble being he can get to it, despite best efforts unless bandaged. Am waiting for some dog boots to arrive, on the vets advice.. and back at the vet at 2pm

I think you all have it, I need to relax. I am running my life round him and not the other way round, pretty much in all ways imaginable. I know I do this, and this is causing me to resent him totally. I stress if I get held up at work too long, go upstairs too long. DH does notice and mutters 'he's a fucking dog' etc etc.

pizdets - Yes, he waits for my next command. I need to teach him to amuse himself.

If anyone has tips on how to chill out that don't involve gin then I am all ears.....

[ChickensHaveNoEyebrows]

Needs, you'll be fine :) I am very much like you, I think. I suffer from anxiety, and it was all centred around the dog for a long time which did neither of us any favours. Now I have a handle on the anxiety, I find that I am more relaxed about the dog(s) Grab those little moments when he makes you smile and store them away for when you're bogged down by it all. My dog is certainly happier and more relaxed by having a less 'rigid' daily routine. As long as he is walked twice and fed, he's pretty much happy to follow me about, get cuddles and bounce on the trampoline (Yes, really!). If it gets too much, feel free to message me

[neepsandtatties]

I'm really sorry you are feeling this way but I think you are trying to hard! I've been reading your posts over the last few months and each time, they've made me feel a bit inadequate (you know like you do when you read on facebook that someone has spent half term baking cakes with the kids, while you've just stuck them in front of the TV!).

I got my rescue dog about 3 months ago when he was aged 9 months, and from day 1 he fitted in with me. I work from home, and I couldn't be doing with the staring so if he does that to me, I shut him in the kitchen.

You've mentioned previously how he doesn't like playing by himself, and wants you to play with him. Well bollocks to that - he's a dog! If you don't feel like playing with him then don't! He can either play by himself or not bother.

I read how you always take him out for two long walks a day. How does this sit with you: occasionally, if I'm too busy to stop work, my dog doesn't get his lunchtime walk, I just chuck him out in the garden. Do I feel guilty? Not really, he soon forgets.

As for training, I do evening training classes with him, as I enjoy it socially, but I would never feel 'obliged' to do any 'sessions' at home with him for the sake of training per se, I occasionally do a bit at home as it's fun to see how far on he's come on, or as something to do with my DS.

I don't constantly talk to my dog either. Your dog sees you as a member of his pack and dogs don't verbalise to each other for companionship. They just 'be'. My dog is currently in the garden sunning himself, I'll probably pop out to him for a cuddle and a chat a couple of times over the afternoon, but that is as much attention as he will get until I give him his tea (which will be +/- 2 hours of his tea time).

I completely agreee with Mistlethrush, the reason you don't love your dog is because you have turned him into a chore, by setting such high standards for yourself. I don't see any part of having my dog as a chore, because he fits in around me. He enhances my life, doesn't detract form it in any way, ergo I love him to bits.

[tabulahrasa]

Monster puppy has been a complete nightmare...he was such hard work as a tiny puppy, then we had problems with food, he's got a mild eye/fur issue that he has seen the vet for but haven't worked out what's going on yet and of course the big one of him having elbow dysplasia.

Because of his elbow he's had months of house rest, weeks and weeks of crate rest which didn't really go that well, it ended up with me and him sitting in a confined space rather than him in his crate, lol.

I've done masses of training with him because I've felt so bad that he couldn't walk or play and he literally took up all of my time.

Recently his leg's been slightly better, I can walk him further...and I've stopped feeling guilty that he's missing out, because of that I've actually started to enjoy him - it's like actually having a dog instead of this huge burden that I was stuck with.

I've had dogs before, I know they shouldn't take over your whole blooming life, lol, but it's hard not to let that happen when there are medical issues going on with a young dog who needs a bit more attention anyway.

So yeah, try and relax a bit - it'll probably not work, but try anyway and wait for a period of time where there's not something extra needing doing with him and you'll suddenly notice that the last few days have been good, then the last few weeks and then you'll realize that you look forward to doing things rather than dreading yet another vet visit...and you'll be late home and he's still fine and it becomes not so big a deal.

I'm quite liking monster puppy this week, he feels like my pal rather than yet more work that needs done and really the only difference is that I'm not obsessing about him quite so much.

[hortensemancini]

everyone has given such great advice, all I wanted to add was that there is a definite tipping point with puppies, and suddenly they're a lot less stress. I went through exactly this with ours. We adopted our older dog as an adult, so she was very calm and undemanding from the start. I had no idea how much the puppy would take over my life in the first year or so - at least when he was little, he slept a lot! At 7 months he was active, very chewy, still slightly unreliable at weeing inside, not old enough to be worn out on walks (large breed), constantly vying for attention if the older dog was around, his irritable bowel meant I was monitoring his squishy poo daily like some kind of Roman fortune teller, he was prone to Kevin the teenage temper tantrums, too big to pick up easily... God, it drove me berserk.

HOWEVER, when he got to about 15 months I had a quiet day, and suddenly realised there was a shoe in the middle of the floor with no bite marks. And the dog was asleep, after a good long walk. We are now best best best friends, me and him, because I was there all that time. The older dog adores DP, but the pup (now 4) is my boy, and when he lies with his big head stretched along my neck, eyes closed in happiness... [fills up]

Stick with it. You sound like a lovely owner.

[Notonaschoolnight]

I don't have anything to add as such but felt the need to contribute as I too have read all your posts and felt a connection as the ewok is only a month behind your springer. I agree you have worked like a Trojan on this dog and you should cut yourself some slack at times and I also feel like you do and I also hope it'll be like someone referred to above, they become more affectionate, less needy and more of a friend

[needastrongone]

Thank you so much for the further posts. I feel a bit stupid now but glad I posted I need to stop seeing him as a human and remember he's a dog.

I really haven't meant to make anyone feel inadequate, if my posts have come over in this way then I am sorry.

Tab - you have had a bloomin' mare of a time with your pup, you must have laughed at my ramblings.

Guess I need to chill out and cut myself some slack but it's kind of good to know that others have find it hard too iyswim? With a young dog etc etc.

Notonaschoolnight - hope you are ok too? Sounds a bit like having a bit of a tough time? Let us know!

[tabulahrasa]

'you must have laughed at my ramblings.'

Don't be daft...anyway mostly I was just overwhelmed by how hard little puppies are, the youngest dog I've ever had before was about 6 months old, I mean I knew it would be hard work, but I wasn't expecting quite the invasion that he felt like at times.

I was able to at least tell myself that I knew this wasn't what owning a dog is supposed to be like and hang on in there until it got better - it was the only thing that kept me sane when he was on crate rest, lol.

[Notonaschoolnight]

How am I doing hard to put into words really the negatives are ewok pulls like a train and bounces up at every man woman or beast that goes near so I'm worn out on every walk through trying to get her to heel and I'm constantly apologising before she jumps, while she jumps, after she jumps, you get the picture.

Actually we've just returned from puppy improvers class, trainer called her a "hooligan" fair point

I'm stressed about whether or not to neuter and when I should do it she's booked in for the 24th but whether I keep the appointment...

I'm also stressed that I promised oh that once she was old enough we'd put her in kennels or an alternative and get back to having the city breaks we normally have a few times a year, but now were getting close I'm so worried I was hoping that I'd meet someone and shed be able to stay in a more homely environment but so far that hasn't happened so she's booked into kennels and the thought of her spending 4 days there in Aug makes me feel poorly

And for all this work and stress what do I get back nowt really, so thank god she's so cute

[tabulahrasa]

I keep trying to give mine away to random strangers...anyone who says he's lovely or even pays him a bit of attention, they think I'm joking, I'm not always sure I am, lol.

[furbaby]

That's a shame , but so nice to read that you are still happy to walk and do all the things he needs doing for him .
I do know how you feel we had our darling boy dog from a pup and he was our world , everytime I looked at him
I felt so much love for him , he was so clever bea utiful and wonderful I would do anything for him .
We had him In 2000 , in 2003 we had a friend leave his dog with us same breed (staffy) and we took her on , but the love just was, nt there .
I am happy to do everthing for her but tolerate her rather than enjoy her company .
Feel bloody guilty that I don, t love her like our boy .
Mind you she has the last laugh as our darling boy was put to sleep 3 weeks ago aged 12 and we still have her at 16 years old .
Now feel guilty that I would have been happy to have lost her if we had our darling boy back .
Will never get over losing our boy .
There is hope for you though , sounds like your doing a great job and one day the love may just come , he will do something and you will think hey thats my boy .

[Jenda]

I can't give much advice but just wanted to agree that you sound like a lovely owner. I actually think people should read things like this considering a puppy because people don't realise how much hard work it involves! My friend has a beautiful retriever who used to love following and staring! She's calmed down now she's a few years old and is happy to just entertain herself; apart from when I go round and she gets on my lap and intensely stares into my eyes because she knows I will allow it involves(and undo owners hard work). Hope things improve soon

[mistlethrush]

I was just thinking about our dog - who we've now had for seven months. DH is working from home at the moment - when I get home with DS, we are greeted by a dog who has clearly just dragged herself off a bed somewhere and who has been ignored for the last 2 or 3 hours so welcomes home people that will give her some attention ecstatically (a bit too ecstatically sometimes). She clearly has got the message that DH will simply ignore her whilst he is working - although he is around. When we first got her she was a Daddy's girl because he was there nearly all the time - and she would worry if he went out in the evening, even though DS and I were still there. Now she's more of a Mummy's dog as she gets more attention from me!

[needastrongone]

Thank you all again for your lovely messages. Had a better day today for relaxing more, although still couldn't quite manage to not rush home from work after 3 hours!

Thanks for listening and posting your advice and comments. Strangely, just saying it out loud so to speak, admitting I wasn't enjoying it as much as I 'should' be has helped loads. I was the one who pushed for a dog so I wanted to show I could do it 'right', but went a bit wrong along the way lol!!!