Stuff you just can't explain to dogs

(154 Posts)
HotPinkWeaselWearingLederhosen Sat 16-Mar-13 09:23:27

IT'S A PEACH!!!!!!!!

It's not a ball. I am eating it, see? Stop sitting, it's a peach. Go away its a peach. It's not a ball, sod off. Look. Just. Let. Me. Eat. The. Peach.
No! It's not a ball.
<<sigh>>
Let's go find your ball.
<<abandons peach>>

THERE IS NOT A PENGUIN IN THE GARDEN!!!!!!

Woof woof! Woof! Grrrrrrr woof wooooooof! Grrr!

Shush! Settle. Good gir....

Woof arooooooooooooooow woofwoof grrrrrrrrrrr

Look <<turns head>> the penguins on t.v. See? That's a reflexion on the window now settle. Good gir.......

Woof woof grrrrrrrr <<charge to back door>>

<<loops garden>>

Grrrrrrrr woof

<<returns in house>>

<<lies on carpet>>

<<sees window>>

Woof! Woof? Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD THERE ARE NO PENGUINS IN THE GARDEN IT'S THE TELLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

<<turns of t.v>>

<<reads book>>

<<cries a little bit>>

I know I'm not the only one with stuff I can't explain to dogs. 'Fess up please.

At Night in the Scone household

It is the moon.

The moon. Not an alien spaceship about to beam us all up.

Stop growling. It is the moon. Comes and goes I know, very confusing, but really it has done this for the entire 10and a half years you have been on the planet.

It is the moon. It is allowed to be in the sky.

During the day in the Scone household.

It is a vapour trail. Yes, it is a plane, clever boy. No, there is no point barking at it.

It is a jet trail, it cannot fall to the earth and wrap us in silvery tentacles.

Please don't bark. Or growl. Pleeeease....

DesperatelyChasingBloodyDog Sat 16-Mar-13 14:20:25

Just because I'm eating it does not mean you will.

Bugger off.

No!

Not at all.

well, maybe just a tiny bit.

oh ok, then, a bit more...

Here, did you want my cheese?

colditz Sat 16-Mar-13 14:24:14

I do love you but sometimes, just sometimes, I need to not be licked. Or sat upon. Yes I do love you. I do. Prostrating yourself could not produce any more love. Oh PLEASE move before someone treads on you aaaaaand now you've pissed yourself in excitement. Well done. No, you don't have to check your bum, it definitely came from you.

headlesslambrini Sat 16-Mar-13 14:25:50

It was you that bloody farted so stop looking at me.

ifancyashandy Sat 16-Mar-13 14:29:12

There are not a million doggies that l

If I am trying to knit, it does not help,if you come and sit right under my elbow, on my ball of yarn. Though it does explain why the cream tunic I am knitting is approximately 50% dog hair.

toomuch2young Sat 16-Mar-13 14:42:06

Yes I love you. No I do not need you pawing my hand to make me drop my phone when your sprawling your hairy selves all over me because i haved dared stop stroking you.
I have plenty of time and affection for both of you, you don't need to push each other out of the way while using me as a climbing frame!
No the neighbours cat will not jump off the fence into your garden. He doesn't care your barking at him. He doesn't care your spinning circles to get out to him. He's laughing at you. Please be quiet.

D0oinMeCleanin Sat 16-Mar-13 14:43:29

If it's raining outside the backdoor there is a very high probability of it raining outside of the front door, so there really is no point in me opening the front door for you to check if it is raining on the green opposite.

No, walking backwards and forwards to check each door will not help. Yes, I know it works sometimes but that is just because it happened to stop raining at that time, not because you managed to outrun the rain from the backdoor to the front door. It was at each door, simultaneously. It was probably all over the town. You did not beat it to the front of the house.

The neighbours frown upon me letting you on the green with no lead, and oddly you won't pee on lead. The rain has also stopped at the backdoor. Oh okay then, go pee on the green before you pee in the house.

Also learning new commands is not scary. Hiding under the dining table while I am teaching you is not helpful. "Stand" is just a word, the same as sit and down, it can't hurt you.

crumpeteater Sat 16-Mar-13 14:57:18

If I'm trying to put your bed back in its place, there's no point in you sitting in that place looking eagerly at me, I can't put the sodding bed down with you there can I?

The cat doesn't hate you, she'd actually quite like you if you stayed still and let her snuggle up to you. If you keep shoving your nose up her bum and pawing at her she will get annoyed and run away. And then you will be on your own again. Also, whining at her won't make her want to play with you.

When the vet is trying to look in your ears, she does not need you to lick her face.

Startail Sat 16-Mar-13 15:19:14

Daft DFs Westie, those white things are sheep, you are not allowed out your garden to chase them.

It is, therefore your own fault you are stuck between your fence and next doors fence. It's no good blaming your owner, she has spent a fortune fencing her garden to stop you escaping. No she isn't going to climb over and get you, she's 82!

MrsWolowitz Sat 16-Mar-13 16:24:10

The cat food is for the cat.
See. Your bowl is full of dog food. For you. The dog.
No, this bowl not that one.
Seriously, what's wrong with you - this bowl.
STOP EATING THE CAT FOOD!

There is nothing for you in the bin.

There is nothing for you in the toilet.

Staring at me with such intensity that you show the whites of your eyes will not make me give you a bit of my sandwich. Oh go on then, just a bit of the ham

TheCunnyFuntIsAGrittersFiancee Sat 16-Mar-13 16:57:38
OrbisNonSufficit Sat 16-Mar-13 17:25:15

No, dinner time is in another HOUR, looking at me lovingly will not make time go faster or make me forget what time it is.

(I love this thread grin)

WaftyCrank Sat 16-Mar-13 17:25:16

No matter how flat you make yourself on the sofa, I can still see you there.

Yes I know you're very cute but you don't need to put your face that close to mine. No don't lick my nose.

I know you are obsessed with the baby but please don't try to sit on me when I'm feeding her, you're not a small pup.

Inthepotty Sat 16-Mar-13 17:33:01

I can see you on my armchair. Through the window- it's glass, you see. No matter how quick you jump back onto your bed when I open the front door, I SAW YOU ON MY CHAIR.

I do the school run every day, at the same time. Yes, you may come in the car, but whimpering as we drive past the fields will not make me stop, say sod it kids lets go for a walk, IT WILL NOT HAPPEN. We go on the way back, EVERY DAY.

Sherbert37 Sat 16-Mar-13 17:40:13

Rolling in fox poo does not make you more attractive to other dogs. It just means a bath and your collar in the washing machine, again.

GemmaTeller Sat 16-Mar-13 18:07:40

Walking really really slowly to the bathroom then standing there looking the other way and not making eye contact with the bath will not make it go away - GET IN!

Somehow managing to glue your feet to the floor then going all floppy when I try to lift you up (you big lanky legged boxer you) will not stop you going in the bath - GET IN!

No, you can't have the rubdown with the towel either first or instead of a bath - GET IN!

VerySmallSqueak Sat 16-Mar-13 21:20:27

It's a football you're shagging,not a bitch,OK?

BrianCoxandTheTempleofDOOM Sat 16-Mar-13 21:43:04

You know how I can't have a bin in the kitchen because you think it is your own personal snack bar? Well, when I forget to take out the rubbish bag, that isn't me being nice and leaving you a treat for when I'm out.

Especially when there are egg shells in said bag.

Oh and cat food tins, chewed to within an inch of their life - that massive scar on your tongue from when you were a puppy....it didn't really need a companion did it! angry

We won't discuss the enigma that is a cat litter tray that never has cat poo in it either.

Lucyellensmum95 Sat 16-Mar-13 21:59:49

Dear LBRD (little brown rescue dog) It is MY bed, not yours, OK i like you keeping my feet warm but please stop groaning if i dare to move and disturb you. Oh and eating MY bed? Really not on, seriously! And another thing - do you HAVE to somehow get into the duvet cover, get stuck, panic, fall off the bed, pulling the covers off me and DP at 3am???

Feilefoo Sat 16-Mar-13 22:13:21

Hotair balloons do not shoot death rays, they don't hunt down and kill dogs. And if they did they would totally be able to find you hiding in the iris bed!

OrbisNonSufficit Sat 16-Mar-13 22:16:58

I know I go away for work sometimes, but the suitcase does not always need to be a source of deep depression. Sometimes you get to come too. Stop pining.

HotPinkWeaselWearingLederhosen Sat 16-Mar-13 22:34:27

Hot air balloons also can see you when you hide under the garden table. As can we. It's glass. You muppet.

This is also why I can pre emp your incredible sneaky stealth attacks. I can see you hiding through the table.

Feilefoo Sat 16-Mar-13 22:38:16

HotPink that's hilarious! I can just see a a dog thinking "the fierce, stealthy wolf, here under the glass table, sneaks up on the unsuspecting prey.."

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