Would you make anything of his birthday if he was your son?

[fedup4]

My son is nearly 15 and is absolutely horrible at the moment - we don't like him one little bit.

He has been truanting on and off for ages now, is hanging around with a bad crowd, is cheeky, rude and bone idle. He is constantly telling us to shut up when we ask him to do the simplest tasks. We have put all the consequences in place (like no phone, ipod, no money, no new clothes, no magazines etc etc). Usually it was for a week at a time but as the truanting lessons hasn't stopped we have now said it is for a month. All we get is do I care and am I bothered. I don't think it has been long enough yet for him to realise we mean it this time.

My husband was so fed up with everything he had done one day a couple of weeks ago that he said if you truant again I can promise you you won't get a thing for your birthday (this can add up to £350 worth of clothes, vouchers and money as his grandad is very generous and we have quite a big family). He said he understood this but still missed one lesson the next morning.

It was his dad's birthday 2 weeks ago - I went out and bought a present as we were short on time and I sent my son to buy a card and told him to write it out. It was still by the front door unopened and in its original packaging that evening and the next morning.

He couldn't even be bothered to write the card out. He didn't even mention his dad's birthday and certainly didn't wish him happy birthday.

I really think we shouldn't bother with his birthday at all this year - just get everyone to send him a card and he can get his presents when he gets his act sorted out.

I have phoned parentline so many times I am at my wits end. The advisor agreed with me and said if a teenager is being so horrible why should they get £350 worth of presents.

[cluelessnchaos]

I would still do the cards and do a special meal, but no I wouldnt be buying extravagant gifts, in fact I would be withdrawing all access to cash unless he earns it.

[compo]

Agree with Maryz , you don't want to alienate him further by doing nothing. Cards and a meal at least

[fedup4]

Yes, I agree on cards and a meal - but I don't see how he should be rewarded financially for being so horrible. I think he is of the opinion that he will act the way he wants as his birthday is coming up soon and he will get loads of new things.

How anyone could ever put up with all this when they are 17/18 is beyond me.

[ChickensHaveNoEyebrows]

I'd go with the cards and meal, but I wouldn't be spending £350 on someone behaving so appallingly. There have to be consequences to his actions.

[fedup4]

We are actually on holiday the week of his birthday so will probably make it easier.

[fedup4]

It's more like £400 spread amongst other members of the family (including around £200 from his grandad). His grandad has just found out what he has been up to as he has just conned some money out of him to truant with.

[plantsitter]

Why not arrange to DO something really cool on his birthday - like go karting or something - so that it's clear you've made an effort but so he doesn't have loads of material things that he'll be able to use even when he's being really horrible. I think Maryz is right that you need to celebrate him on his birthday and hold an 'amnesty' - this way he will remember you did it when he is eventually grown up and sane, but he won't have stuff after the day is over.

[thatsnotmymonkey]

I would do a meal and something as a family.

I would do more and more as a family actually. Do you have things like dedicated family eves/days?

I wonder if a mix of negative and positives would be better in dealing with him in general and trying consistently and persistently to engage with him. It sounds like he is a handful. Sorry if that is something you are y already doing!

[fedup4]

It really is awful to be forced into doing such things when he can have a fabulous fun fulled life if he chooses, but he has (at times) turned into a vile horrible young man. He said he wished his dad was dead last week and he hates us both. I can live with it. My husband is wondering where he has gone wrong.

As long as he can do exactly what he wants and we don?t ask him to do anything or impose any consequences of his actions, then he is absolutely fine. But this isn?t real life.

They went off to watch the football at the weekend and went for a meal with their granddad, no problems at all but he is a Jeckyll and Hyde character when things don?t go his way. He doesn?t like being told what to do but at the end of the day he is 14 still.

[thatsnotmymonkey]

Fedup- It sounds like you all need to reconnect and it will take a lot of effort and a bit of time. It is really interesting to see that he likes doing stuff with other adults in his life. I guess you need a bit of strategic planning for your DS to feel like he has some element of independence or control within the family.

I just think some positive experiences as a family are in order.

Like you say the current time, the situation is untenable.

What is he like at school?

[fedup4]

It really is awful to be forced into doing such things when he can have a fabulous fun fulled life if he chooses, but he has (at times) turned into a vile horrible young man. He said he wished his dad was dead last week and he hates us both. I can live with it. My husband is wondering where he has gone wrong.

As long as he can do exactly what he wants and we don?t ask him to do anything or impose any consequences of his actions, then he is absolutely fine. But this isn?t real life.

They went off to watch the football at the weekend and went for a meal with their granddad, no problems at all but he is a Jeckyll and Hyde character when things don?t go his way. He doesn?t like being told what to do but at the end of the day he is 14 still.

[fedup4]

The school have even put a parental support advisor in touch with us. She has said we are doing all the right things. All he has to do is stop truanting and he will more or less get everything back, but for some reason he won?t, even his head of year said he has got in with a bad crowd and doesn?t want to lose face.

He doesn?t even go anywhere with this bad crowd or hang out with them at weekends ? it is just all school related. He does have other friends who are fairly decent but he doesn?t see them often as he usually is not allowed out because he has truanted.

It is a vicious circle that he only he can end. We have tried ?if you do this you will get x? loads of times but it makes no difference.

He has a year left in school. The school have said it is rare to truant in Year 11 and it is only complete wasters who do it who amount to nothing and even they have said my son is a million miles for this at the moment.

The school will be completing reports for colleges in the next 3 ? 4 months and all this will be included.

We do lots of family things together ? he spends time with his granddad and uncle ? but the problem is the truanting and the bad crowd. We have no control over this and that is basically why he is doing it ? to say I can do what I like when I am not in the house.

[thatsnotmymonkey]

Hmmm, is he in the same from as this "bad lot"?

But the influence and models of behaviour this crowd are setting for your son are having a massive impact on your home-life.

Is he in the same form as this crowd? I would consider asking the school of moving him out of the form if this is the case.

Are you dropping him off at school and picking him up? Until he has good attendance I would do this, take him into reception 1 minute before the bell and collect him at 1 minute after. Can other family members help with this. Until he can show a good run of attendance and attitude he will be taken to/picked up from school like this.

Have you made him draft and sign a behaviour contract with you? Sometimes teenagers respect and respond well to the formality of a contract.

[thatsnotmymonkey]

form not from!!

[fedup4]

He doesn?t usually bother turning up to Form at school which only lasts for 20 minutes. He is with some of them maybe in one or two lessons which I suppose the school have no control over. It depends what options they have chosen.

I have resorted to taking him in a taxi in the past as I don?t drive ? it was costing me £30 a week one way. My husband leaves the house at 7 am to drive 30 miles as he has his own business. He says he may as well give up work if he has to resort to driving his 15 year old son to school like a toddler and missing 3 hours of work, where he has to supervise others.

It is not fair either to ask a 76 year old man (his granddad) whose wife has dementia to come down and pick up his 15 year old grandson to take him to school.

This has been going on for more or less a year and it happens 5 ? 10 times a month. He usually misses one or two lessons at the beginning of the day and he knows I will always find out. He has never missed a half a day or a full day, presumably as he has no money and nowhere to go.

Interestingly he asked me for his ipod and phone back last night so he thinks I may back down. I am determined to tough this one out. That is probably why he never went to school until 10 this morning but sometimes he doesn?t need a reason.

I think it is a pattern of behaviour he can?t get out of as it has been going on for so long. He might need some behavioural therapy!

I really don?t know what is going to become of him. Unless he matures, I can imagine our relationship will be completely destroyed by the time he reaches 18. Sometimes I wish I could fast forward 3 years and have his bags at the door.

No-one will possibly understand on here unless they have lived with a teenager like this. Parentline have said they can?t wave a magic wand and it is just a case of hanging on and toughing it out.

On a positive note, he hasn?t been in trouble with the Police or stolen anything from us (yet). He has dabbled with drugs in the past also. He would still probably be now if he had the money and the freedom.

[msrisotto]

Could you change schools? They sound like they have been helpful but if it's to do with his friends?

[fedup4]

It's going to be his last year next year at secondary and I think this would be the completely wrong thing to do. I can imagine he would truant from the new school to meet up with the truants from the old school - even more of an excuse to do it.

At the end of the day he has to live with the consequences of trying to cock his life up.

[herladyshiplovesedward]

fedup4 you have my respect, you sound like you are trying really hard in very difficult circumstances.. i am sure that although he might be a 'troubled teen' now your ds will pull through this phase and grow into a lovely young man..

it will be your help and love that gets him through it and sees that he is alright in the end..

please don't ignore his birthday, most teenagers are insecure children on the inside however horrible they may be on the outside!! what about a trip out somewhere he likes and then a meal instead of expensive gifts? my ds (15) loves theme parks or skiing at the indoor snow slope or climbing at'go ape' treetop adventure.. it might help you all have fun together and reconnect?

also in the past purchased and 'experience day' for ds, driving a ferrari at mallory park and he was speechless with excitement (which takes some doing with a 15yo boy!)

good luck

[herladyshiplovesedward]

the experience day was about £70 btw

[venusonarockbun]

Fedup - are you sure drugs are no longer involved as you say your son has just conned money out of his grandad to 'truant with'.

[mumeeee]

I would still celebrate his Birthday. But you don't hnave to buy him expensive presents. A card,nice meal and token gifts will be fine.

[noteventhebestdrummer]

Read some good online advice which helped me:

Do as much as you can to make the kid feel he is a person who you can value

Do NOTHING that facilitates their bad habits - no money, no lifts to place they might be tempted by poor company/drugs

Do not let them change your views on the right ways to live, no matter how much they try to emotionally manipulate

I'd do a birthday treat but no presents YET

[fedup4]

noteventhebestdrummer - points 2, 3 and 4 are straightforward. It's just a matter of how long he wants to string this out. He is in for a very bleak summer holidays.

I don't understand how we can make him feel he is a person we can value the way his behaviour is at the moment. His bath water wasn't at the correct temperature last night as we are having plumbing problems due a new radiator being fitted. Because he didn't get to go on the play station (he tried again even though he is banned) he repeatedly said in a very aggravating manner "Are we tramps - get these taps sorted out". I told him the taps don't cause me any problems and if he knew of a plumber then he could ring one. He then called me a tramp.

How is this a person we can value at the moment? He then said he wasn't going into school all day today.

He turned up at 10 am again at school this morning.

Drugs are no longer involved - he never has any money and doesn't go out because he doesn't have any money. If he had the money and the freedom he would be a pot head by now, I have no doubt.

He is truanting persistently because it is the only thing he can do. But then again he has been doing it on and off for a year when he had everything he wanted.