Need advice quite long

[noddyholder]

About boundaries for 15 yr old bot going out times getting home how much freedom etc.Ds is 15 lovely boy lovely friends no trouble at all.he has been to a few parties where we pick him up etc.tonight he wanted to go to a freinds til midnight just to watch dvds etc.I said ok and dad will pick you up.he wanted to get a cab I said no it descended into huge row.he has gone and dp will pick him up but i think we need to set some rules now as things are changing and if i'm honest some of his friends a lot freer than him but also a lot more together in many ways too!he says we are over protective but I am more worried about something happening en route rather than drink drugs etc.i know they will prob have some cider and prob smoke but I do need to chill.How do you know when its safe to let them go?We do all the ferrying around as the otehr parents seem to have let go a bit now

[noddyholder]

bump

[Winetimeisfinetime]

I will watch this with interest as have the very same issues noddy.

[noddyholder]

Dp back from dropping off Its a nightmare as dp says all teh talk in the car contradicted everything ds said.Have now found out his other freind hasn't gone but hey ho.Dp not keen to be too liberal I am worried about ds not being allowed to do enough

[stleger]

I think it depends a bit on where you live and what is going on there! Which is no help, really. I didn't let dd2 and her friend (they are 12) go to the park at eight this evening, because it would be gearing up for teenage drinking. DD1 is 15 and avoids drinking opportunities so far...having witnessed ds being loaded into an ambulance when he was 15. He had hardly ever been 'out', had done dvd evenings etc. As a result he didn't seem to have enough confidence to say no to 'fun'. No advice, really, just empathetic vibes!

[noddyholder]

Well he has lied through his teeth,its a full on party and his tale of 'everyone went there last friday to chill and watch films' is BS.The joys of teenagers much worse than little ones Help!!!!!

[stleger]

That is the problem. Ds was going out for 'a pizza'. He failed to mention the coke bottle filled with whiskey he was taking. It was a post exam 'event'. My learning experience was to make sure both he and dd1 know what to do if a friend 'is taken ill' after drinking or anything else. Recovery position, keep warm, ring me, ring their mum etc, because a passer by rescued ds. I think you can't trust them not to drink, smoke etc (even the really good, nice, sensible ones), but you can keep communicating and kind of trust them to 'act responsibly in a potentially bad situation'. And pray. (And threaten them with the furminator!)

[noddyholder]

Thanks I think I got a bit hot and bothereed!Just get so worried and dp can't let him go in many ways. Oh well he is out now and will ring before we need to pick him up.Can't relax though not knowing 100% where he is but will get used to it Hope he's not pissed I am exhausted and need to sleep!

[stleger]

I don't think I will ever get used to it and will be the MIL from hell!

[noddyholder]

Oh yeah god help any girl he brings home.She would have to be a mini me to even get in teh door

[mumonthenet]

it's the part - not knowing precisely where they are...what they're doing...who they're with... that's the difficult bit.

Your only hope is going down the road of...you need to know roughly where he is, how he's getting home and at WHAT TIME i.e. agreed time. Apart from that tell him you presume he knows it's a jungle out there and no doubt he knows how to look after himself

when he does manage to get home at appointed time you make absolutely sure you say something to show that you appreciated and noticed that he came home at appointed time. (the theory here is that the responsible part of him tunes in to this) Your Dp might start to relax when he sees signs of some responsibility in ds.

Good luck, tis not easy. I dropped dd 17 off at a disco the other night. She told me they had transport home at 5 am. I gave her the lecture of call me if anything goes wrong, don't get into any cars if anyone's had any alcohol..etc.......she said calmly to me....

"don't worry mum, you'll get used to it"

She was home at 5.am on the dot.

[Saint2shoes]

oh noddy your bit about not being able to relax, I know that feeling.
from what you have said about your son he sounds very level headed so try not to worry too much. I don't blame you for not wanting him to get a taxi home, I would be the same(this town has some odd ones)
would you have let him go if you knew it was a full on party?

[noddyholder]

thanks xx Will try that tonight if he's on time and not sozzled! He doesn't seem that interested in alcohol thank god.So hard as I want him to have fun and be independent as he is very reliant on his friends as an only child.They are like family to him.

[noddyholder]

Thanks 2shoes I def don't want him getting a taxi.I think I would have let him go but would prob have made sure I knew a bit more about it.He is good and level headed but also with his dyspraxia is not brilliant in a crisis so I worry even more.

[Saint2shoes]

ds doesn't drink either or smoke
I think the not drinking is his way of reblling
when does he leave school

[mumonthenet]

what time's he due home noddy?

Will you be still up?

Will I be still up?

[noddyholder]

He is only in yr 10 He is the youngest in the year he will be 15 on May 1st.Most of his friends are nearly 16.I know he sometimes feels out of his depth because he does say no to some things but feel there were girls involved tonight so that changes everything

[noddyholder]

He said 12 we said 11.30 and he just accepted that

[Saint2shoes]

ds hasn't done parties yet he did do a sleepove with a group including girls, I went into total panic

[mumonthenet]

that's a good one.

dd (now 17) used to try for a later time but used to accept an earlier compromise. (they know if THEY suggest 11.30 you'll say 11.00 !

[noddyholder]

Well we have always been a bit of an open house lots of sleepovers and small parties but this is different

[piscesmoon]

I think that at 15 you need boundries. I would insist on picking up-it is too young for taxis home.
I find the whole thing odd-I have just argued long and hard for more freedom for younger DCs (with you I think, noddyholder),on the whole parents are what I would call over protective-and then they get to 14 or 15 and it is liberty hall!!
I want to know exactly where mine are and who they are with at that age. I insist on having their mobile switched on so that I can contact them and them texting with change of plans. I don't do very late unless it is a special occasion. I can't believe the irresponsibility of parents who actually supply them with alcohol.
I am still on my gradual slide to fully independent by 18 yrs. I don't do plunges into the deep end-as in parents not even letting them go into town on their own with friends at 12 yrs but by 15 yrs have jumped to parties with alcohol that go on past midnight!
It is hard-I can't sleep until they are in.

[noddyholder]

Well ds has been out and about 12.He started going into town then too and cinema etc at about 13.He skateboards so has been out on his own in the day for years.But it is not a sudden arrival at alcohol and parties and I don't think the parents supply it but it is there I am not blinkered.But i still think 9 is too young for teh cinema!

[noddyholder]

Where does it say parents supply alcohol?I have never encountered that

[mumonthenet]

if they want the alc they'll manage to get it, the parents don't usually have much to do with it.

[mumonthenet]

should have added...

the trick is - to teach our teenagers to cope with the inevitable reality which is: encountering alcohol - whether they refuse it, whether they can't resist trying it, whether a friend drinks too much, whether somebody who's due to drive them home has had some.... etc. etc.