Daughter is so sad about being larger than all her friends

[aida]

Can anyone help with this please? My (just) 12-year-old daughter is larger than all her friends - not just taller (she is 5ft 7) but bigger in every dimension (though not yet very big-busted, nor having periods). she is not particularly fat but she has a large tummy - always has had, since birth - and quite well covered thighs, and she is also heavy (9 stone 4). She is now pushing size 14, yet is surrounded by tiny dainty little friends who all still wear age 10-12 things. she gets so sad about this and it breaks my heart to see her struggling to find things to wear. she is such a beautiful girl - easily the loveliest in her class - long blonde hair, big blue eyes, clear peachy skin, long long legs - but what matters most to her is that she just longs to be like the others. ever since she was very young we have always done the "big is beautiful" thing, and i always told her how lucky she was to be a big strong healthy girl, not little and skinny like her friends who all used to shiver after swimming classes, and i think she has internalised a lot of this, but it doesn't help much when you can't find anything to fit you. even going shopping is no fun for her because she always ends up crying in the changing room because the girly things she has chosen just don't come in her size. she wants to wear the things 11-12-year old girls like - cropped tops, low-slung trousers - but these things really make her tummy bulge if they are too tight, and i just don't know where to go to find young teenage fashions in larger sizes. i have always know the time would come when she would find her size difficult to come to terms with, and now that it has i so want to help her. we have just had the saddest time: she was getting ready for a party and every pair of trousers she put on was too tight apart from her jeans (which she didn't want to wear) - she has obviously grown since she last wore all these things, but it was heartbreaking to watch the pile growing and to see her sobbing on her bed instead of enjoying getting dressed up. even my things don't fit her now (i am size 12) and i think that makes it worse for her because she can now imagine i don't understand. my questions, for anyone who can help, are these: on a practical level, what shopscatalogueswebsites are good for fashionable clothes for a larger than average 12-year-old, and on an emotional level what is the best way to support her on this issue? anyone who can help me find some answers to these questions will earn my undying thanks. PS this is my first post on this site, and i chose the nickname Aida after Verdi's ethiopian slave-girl because as the mother of two adolescents i feel like a slave who was born for better things ...

[JanH]

Hi, aida, welcome to mumsnet!

Your daughter sounds lovely and I'm so sorry to hear she's going through this - it's a difficult stage for them anyway, in betweenies.

Is New Look any use for her? They do a girls' range - is it 912 or 914? Can't remember the number now but I'm sure my DDs bought stuff from there when they were about 14.

My younger daughter is 19 now, she buys a lot from places like River Island and Top Shop, maybe you should be looking at the young womens' clothes now? I don't think the styles are so different. 9st 4 doesn't sound terribly big for 5'7 and she's obviously tall enough to wear grown-up clothes.

HTH...

[JanH]

It's 915 .

I'll see what else I can find.

[jampot]

Hi aida - my dd is 11.5 and quite tall for her age, she is slim but I know what you mean about a lot of the other girls looking really dainty. My dd could easily pass for a year 8 or 9 girl and most of her friends still look like year 6s. She does have a bust and has started her periods before all her friends and I think she has just accepted that everyone is different. I would say though that most of her friends are seriously fashionable and seem to know whats "in" which does cause her some self doubt sometimes. Your dd sounds beautiful and I wouldn't mind betting the envy of a lot of children in her year.

[misdee]

new look, top shop, etam (dunno how big tammy girl go up to) but at 5ft 7 she shouldnt have many probs with the length of adult clothes. i'm only 5ft 2, tell your dd i am very jealpouf of her height, would love to be taller. i think she needs a serious shopping spree.

it must be hard for her being so much taller than her friends, and being taller would make her larger, has she hit puberty earlier than her friends? if hse has, then i na few years her friends will hopefully catch up.

this is something i am expectign with dd2 in the teenage years, she is only 2, but the size of 4-5yr old.

[JanH]

Just occurred to me, have you tried Matalan? They have some lovely girls' clothes which go up to age 14-15 I think; but again you could look at their ordinary adult clothes at her height, they have girly things too.

Haven't found any useful websites yet!

[Frizbe]

try miss selfridge too

[MummyToSteven]

tammy girl and zara do clothes that go up to late teen size - or trendy adult clothes at trendy shops - e.g. per una due at M & S

otherwise it sounds like your daughter isn't large - 5ft 7 and 9st 4 doesn't sound remotely large for her height for me, just more physically advanced than her friends.

i was my full grown height at 12 (5ft 3(!) and 8.5 stone) and felt like a complete heifer at that point - but obviously a few years down the line my classmates outgrew and outweighed me.

best of luck clothes shopping

[aida]

thank you everyone so far - for your suggestions and also for wanting to help. it's great to know you're there! i can't believe i have so many answers already. i'll keep looking - but now i'm off to fetch dd from her party, where i'm sure she will have cheered up - while she's been out i have cleared up all the clothes that didn't fit her & removed them so she doesn't have to look at the evidence when she gets back. but oh dear - my son (14) wants to watch Bridget Jones tonight - will this be good for dd or not, i wonder?

[aida]

actually i spotted a typo - my dd is 5ft 5 and 9st 4, not 5 ft 7, so a bit heavier for her height than originally suggested - still, as some of you say, it is more a matter of being much bigger than her friends than being big per se. husband has just suggested we send her out shopping with his older daughter (her half-sister whom she thinks the world of)who is 20-something and will know all the young adult shops and styles, plus will give her a lot of fun into the bargain. i'll try that and all your suggested shops too. thanks again everyone.

[JanH]

Shopping with her sister is a fabulous idea - they will both have a great time!

[berries]

I suspect we are going to be having this problem with my dd somewhere down the line. My dd is 9 but has to wear 11-12 yr clothes. problem is that as girls get older their shape changes, in particular they go in at the waist & out at the hips. If your dd still has a 12 yr olds shape you may find this is why none of the clothes fit her (waist too small perhaps?). I know that at the moment can only get trousers from gap or next, but Next have very few examples of her size. I emphasize the 'healthy not skinny' aspects, emphasising that it is more important how healthy you are, rather than how skinny you are. Also have dd2 who would slip down a drain if she turned sideways, so have to be very careful what I say.

[aida]

Berries, that is such a good point. She does indeed have a 12-year-old's shape - pretty much straight down (plus a relatively big tummy in front as well). I hadn't thought of it in this way but now you point it out it's obvious. We have recently had success with Gap jeans. Next is absolutely hopeless - yet dd adores their clothes ... You may well be in for this in a few years' time as you say: my dd was certainly in 11-12 clothes at the age of 9. Perhaps I can keep you informed as I go!

[spacemonkey]

Just caught up with this thread. I have the same problem with my dd - she is 13 and is 5 foot 9 and in a size 16 (not age 16, SIZE 16). She has huge breasts too (at least a 38E) but is too self-conscious to go for a proper bra fitting. And she has size 9 feet. It really doesn't help that she is a completely different shape to me - I'm tall but have small boobs and size 12-14. Her self esteem is very, very low because she is twice the size of her friends. Buying clothes for her is a nightmare. She wears stuff from New Look and often wears men's t shirts. It's so hard to know how to boost her self esteem

[aida]

hello spacemonkey - my heart goes out to your dd - yet i bet she is beautiful and shaping up to be very attractive to boys (though she may not find that a recommendation at the moment - my dd certainly doesn't!). Does yours go to a co-ed school? If so, is there talk in the class about who "fancies" whom? My dh pointed out the other day that part of the problem for these bigger girls is that younger boys "fancy" the smaller, more doll-like girls because they aren't threatening - it isn't till boys hit puberty that they become aware of the attractions of womanly curves.

I also think fitness is a really important message for bigger girls - if they exercise and keep well toned then size doesn't have to equal flabbiness. My dd is just realising this and is now trying very hard at games & pe and even using her brother's rowing machine at home!

On holiday at half term we saw the most beautiful girl on a boat trip we went on - she must have been about 16 - she was about 6foot tall, probably size 18, wearing a midriff top and low-slung jeans, and she looked fabulous. The key things were (a) her clothes fitted her really well, nothing was too tight; and (b) her tummy was well toned, so no bulges anywhere. She was English - part of me wanted to ask her where she got her clothes - of course I didn't dare, but at least i know it can be done.

I wish i had taken a picture of that girl - she is the role model for our daughters, not those wretched skinny fashion models they are confronted with everywhere they turn.

[MummyToSteven]

spacemonkey - does your daughter watch trinny and tranny? maybe if she sees them bang on about the importance of bra fitting, that might persuade her???? does tammy girl stuff fit her - they go up to quite a big 15/16 year old 170 cm size IIRC. i think gothy tie die stuff tends to be quite good as well - elasticated waist black skirts that kind of thing if she is at all into that???

[spacemonkey]

thanks for your messages aida and mts

yes, she is a total goth! and yes she is a beautiful girl and she is attractive to boys, but she is literally twice the size of all the boys of her own age. She would eat them for breakfast quite frankly.

She has watched trinny and tranny and I have offered to take her to rigby and pellier where T&T take their ladies, but she refuses. I think it will be much less threatening to take her into M&S or debenhams and just try on a load of bras without involving the shop assistants.

13 is an awful, difficult, horrible age. I think nearly everyone feels horrible and ugly at 13. I am hoping she finds her confidence as she gets older.

[Bumblelion]

I am also going to have this same problem with my DD who has Sotos Syndrome (an overgrowth problem). She might reach her full height by age 11/12 and will be slightly taller than average (taking mine and her dad's height into consideration). Already she is big for her age - just turned 3, age 4/5 clothes, size 10.5 shoe and I just need to make sure that she grows up secure in her size as she will always be the tallest in her class and that can lead to self-esteem.

I agree with what others say about well fitting clothes. I know if I wear clothes that are fitting well and I look good (well, the best I can) I know how different it makes me feel.

[enid]

spacemonkey, a friend of mine measured her dd herself and ordered lots of bras from the internet so they could try them on at home - a possibility? Your dd sounds very beautiful btw.

[Poo2]

Aida - much sympathies for your dd's problem. Sounds like me when I was little. I am 6'1 and have been since I ws about 13. I also have aubern hair and size 10 feet. I felt huge and ginger all the time and never had clothes that fitted and had to buy men's office shoes for school. I remember going to parties where everybody tried on everybody else's clothes and I could never join in - I was a 14-16 they were a 8-10. No boys fancied me until they had reached approxiately the same height as me which also made me feel awful. My parents did all the stuff you did, and it helped lots. But I just had to learn to accept that I was different. At the age of 15 I came into my own, slimmed out naturally and started fighting men off with a stick. I am still self-conscious about it, and I still hate shopping. I have been known to go home in tears. But I married a wonderful man who is proud of the fact that I am so tall, thinks I am gorgeous, and being a weightlifter he balances my height with his width! She will feel better as the others catch up, and it sounds like she has wonderful support from you. What made me feel better was having a nice haircut, or a new trendy bag or coat or something, so even if I couldn't get the latest clothes to fit me right, at least my mates were jealous of my hairdo. HTH.

[spacemonkey]

that's a good idea enid, i could try bravissimo - as long as they can be returned easily!

[Pacific]

Have a look at the website 'additionsdirect', (the Boots one not the Argos one). I can't do a link but you can order on line or order a catalogue. Their clothes seem to come in a vast range of sizes.

[enid]

I have been to Rigby and Peller and they are good and the bras are fab (v expensive tho) but 'their' sizing (they do it by eye) doesn't seem to be compatible with anyone elses - they told me I was a 32c/D when I have always worn a 36 B/C. I went on to buy a 32D in M&S and it totally did NOT fit.

So you could measure her yourself (I used to fit bras in selfridges as a Sat girl) and it would be just as good.

[spacemonkey]

The problem I have with my dd is that she is only just starting to get a womanly shape and yet is a large woman's size, so women's clothes just aren't quite the right shape for her. That is starting to change now though - I noticed the other day she is starting to get a waist. I'm pretty envious of her lovely big boobs actually!

[spacemonkey]

Imo you always have to try bras on. I learned that when I went for a fitting and tried on everything from a 34B to a 38A and they were all different!

[winnie1]

Aida, welcome to mn (& I love the name )

I am your daughter 20 years later and I have to say I wish I'd had a Mum like you. I was 5f 5 and a size 14-16 and I could find nothing to wear and despite playing netball and going jogging (something I love but haven't got the boobs for ~ ha, ha & I don't care anymore ) my life was made hell by a mother who constantly put me on diets and criticised me and told me no one would ever love me. My self esteem became such that size 14-16 me up taking comfort in food & at my largest I reached 19 stone! (Afer a lot of hard work physically and emotionally I am now a size 18 and have very few body issues [if one doesn't count the aging process] ).

Now I have a 15 year old whose weight fluctuates depending on time of year and at a size 14 she is gorgeous. However, she has had hell from classmates for being 'fat' (which she is not). Fat seems to equal ugly, stupid and lazy in this society for some reason. At the age of 8 she was plump. Noticably people made comments (well meaning Grandparents aaaarrrrrghh!) but I endeavoured to ignore it and have spent a lot of time making sure she knows that she is gorgeous & boosting her self esteem. And so far, so good. Dd walks alot (the journey to school and back takes 70 mins). She loves judo and dancing and we encourage it but try not to force the issue. She is very comfortable in her body. Dh (her stepfather) often complains that she is too comfortable in her body as she walks around the house in her bra and knickers!

To be honest we have had no problem getting her clothes she likes other than school uniform. Some of the clothes dd chooses I loathe but I've learnt to keep my mouth shut and let her express her self (within reason). Which she does with a certain amount of confidence and, as she gets older, chic. (Which makes me feel terribly old).

I realise I am not giving you any advice but tbh my point is simply that you are doing all the right things; by not criticising, by letting her express her feelings, by helping her make the most of what she has been blessed with...... and as dd's body changes, as her confidence grows, all of your hard work will pay off. With this age group anything can become the issue and their peer group is everything. The sad thing is made into a bigger issue now it can become a problem for life. One of the things that amuses my dd is that a couple of friends who at 12 & 13 made her feel inadequate as they were/are so slim (intentionally or unintentionally) etc now covet dds boobs .