DD (14) wants to go to boyfriend's house. I don't know anything about boyfriend. Advice please!

[Didadida]

Don't know if I'm being PFB about this. DD (14) has recently got her first boyfriend. She's at all all girls' school, the boy is from the all boys' school nearby. DD has known the boy for a few weeks, DH has met him and a few of his friends (they were in a band together for a few weeks till DD dropped out). I've stalked him on FB and he seems OK - lots of female friends though no idea if they're girlfriends (ie if he goes it with loads of girls) or not. He seems like a normal enough teenage boy and they have some (vague) mutual friends so hope he wouldn't try anything on.

So, DD has told me (not asked me) she's going to his house this Thurs and claims (I have no way of checking) that his parents (who I don't know) will be there. Also no idea what is acceptable to his parents anyway. So I feel mildly uncomfortable.

Not sure what I'm worried about - am I being too neurotic/over-protective and should I just let DD go and accept it as part of the growing-up process? Or should I be worried? He's invited her to his house several times before - seems keen - though this was before she knew him very well or was going out with him, so I said no. Should I just let her go, or are there are limitations I can add? (eg I must have his parents' no or something)?

Thanks.

[Didadida]

I'd feel a lot more comfortable if I'd actually met him - I'm fairly good at spotting 'dodgy' people...

[wooooosualsuspect]

I don't think you can say no.

You have to trust them.

[Bowlersarm]

It is what teenagers do. Your dh has met him. Not sure what else could happen, unless you invite him to your house first? Even then it's just delaying it for a few days. It is nerve wracking when they are so young though, I understand your worries.

[wooooosualsuspect]

Do you know all her other friends parents?

I didn't know any of my DCs friends parents when they were 14. They all had friends of the opposite sex and would go to their houses.

[bigTillyMint]

I agree, it is what teens do. Could you ask her for his mum's phone no and ring and check or would she go mad at the idea?!

[Iflyaway]

Oh yes, definitely get the address and telephone nr. of the family home.

That's the first bottom line.

What are the plans? Is she going over after school for a few hours, or is it evening, party, how long for etc.

Oh, and if my 14-year-old told me and not asking I would be having a conversation.
Ask her also when she's going to bring him over to introduce him. It's only normal to know who family members hang out with.

You have to set clear boundaries now and always keep the lines of communication open...

In fact, I wouldn't want my 14 year old daughter going over to some random bloke's house without me vetting him. No way. Bottom line.

So tell her he can come over to yours first.

Your DH has met him. What does he think?

[Didadida]

My DH thought he was fine but I'm not sure if my DH's 'dodgy bloke' radar is as strong as mine. Potential boyfriend's parents work in the music biz in some capacity, he seems to spend all his time playing in bands or hanging out at the park after school so his parents, I'm guessing, are of the 'liberal' variety. So even if they are there, I can't know that they are actually bothering to keep an eye on things...

I'd like to invite him here first but suspect dd will kick up a fuss as our house is a state most of the time!

Or I'd be fine with them going somewhere else, eg last time they met at the shopping centre, which I was cool with.

If she was 16, I'd be fine with it. Or if she was at a mixed school and he went to her school, so she knew him better.

He's just a bit of an unknown quantity and seems v keen on DD, judging by numbers of times he's tried to ask her over/round/get her involved in things...

Plus I so don't want to have THAT conversation. Only topped by how much DD doesn't want to have it!

[Mabelface]

Get the address and phone number of the house, and yes, you DO need to have that conversation asap. You do have to trust her on this at some point. I always said to my kids that the more open and honest they are with me, the more they will be allowed to do. I also think you have to trust your DH's judgement.

[Didadida]

Well that's told me. DD has now said she might not be going to his house and that I can't meet him because she doesn't think it will last that long and she has no intention of introducing me to anyone she goes out with until she's marrying them!

Cheers, DD.

[Mabelface]

She'll learn.

[secretsquirrels]

Seems to me your radar could be right.
She is 14. There is no way that I would respond well to being "told" rather than asked whether my DC could do something. If you want to meet her half way then at the very least I would want the parent's phone number and I would call to make sure they know about the invitation and most importantly that they will be there.

[Didadida]

Thanks. Glad to hear I'm not being totally unreasonable. But also glad to hear her behaviour is fairly typical. We just need to meet in the middle ground of safety and common sense, then!

[LeftHandedMouse]

You never said how old he was?

But you did label his parents as liberal because he has some musical talent and socialises after school?

Not so sure that's dodgey bloke radar or just paranoia?

Is he doing well at school? I would certainly look at him having female friends on Facebook as a very positive thing, it shows he can cope with having girls as friends, perhaps he just feels your dd is a little bit more special.

When your daughter goes to friends for sleepovers do you really think they sit and knit and sing bible songs? They'll be on twitter and snapchat winding people up. I found out my 14 yr old step daughter and friends had been at a sleepover, decided they wanted more sweeties and set off in their onesies to the local tesco at 11 at night. Running the gauntlet of all the teens that hang around the local shops. They survived.

Much better you get to know this boy and any boy at this age and make him feel welcome, if it happens when their teen sense of entitlement is any greater it can be much more difficult to put the brakes on.

Btw I have a son and a daughter who had and still have many friends of the opposite sex on Facebook and in real life without wanting to sleep with all of them!

[DiaDuit]

What exactly is it that concerns you OP?

[Didadida]

The difference is just that at least I know her female friends and know they're lovely (and know or have at least met their mums and have their numbers). So I'm not so worried. The boy may be lovely as may his parents - but I just don't know.

I'm not suggesting DD is an angel in all this, either, btw - I think that's probably also part of my worry! I'm not totally confident it won't be him (also 14) going "What are you doing! I'm not ready for that yet!" Another part of the reason I'd rather there were parents around!

[DiaDuit]

Ok so if it was a new female friend and she was going over on thursday would you be as worried? Is it the thought they might have sex? If so then you need to be talking to your DD about her boundaries, her self confidence, sexual health, contraception, her options for support etc. dont shy away from these conversations. They only way to know what she knows/is thinking is to talk to her, openly and regularly and suppprtively.

[DiaDuit]

Oh and not just her boundaries- her partner's boundaries and her respect for them.

[LeftHandedMouse]

Why would he be saying "what are you doing?" ?

That doesn't paint your daughter in a very good light, more like some sort of sexual predator?

Do you have previous experience to suggest her behaviour could be like that?

[Mabelface]

If they're ready for sex, then they'll do it whether parents are there or not. However, you may be doing your daughter a disservice by assuming that she wants to. The most important thing you can give her is all the info she needs, and that includes the right to say no at any time, respect for her own body plus contraception advice. The lines of communication need to be wide open.

[DiaDuit]

It always amazes me that people dont bother to talk about such an important thing way before it will be needed and then go into panic when they realise their teen child is looking at a member of the opposite sex. As if they didnt expect that to happen.

Seriously this shit needs to be talked about often, from an early age, with openness and support long before it becomes relevant.

[ElephantsNeverForgive]

A lot of DD2(13)'s friends live in the big housing estate tacked into a local village. They all went to the same primary. Both sexes wander from house to hours and jump on the bus to town. No one worries if parents are home or taking siblings to rugby, ballet etc. or simply working or shopping.

I insist on address (and preferably a land line for sleep overs), but otherwise, once I've dropped DD2 off I really can't be sure where she goes.

It's all a bit nerve wracking, we live in the sticks, DD1's DFs do too (and have very protective parents). So I knew where she was.

At 16, they do walk to the local station and go to town, but mostly fetch up in the library (DD1 is rather more geek than teen)

[Didadida]

DiaDuit - ummmm...not totally sure. I suppose the boy expecting too much sexually (or worse, demanding), mutual interest in all things sexual leading to an STD or pregnancy, DD getting her heart broken. The usual.

A little bit worried about DD getting up to anything beyond kissing if truth be told! - but I realise she's 14 and very pretty and my hope of keeping her that innocent these days is probably highly unrealistic! I think a large part of my worries stem from the fact that few of her friends have boyfriends and her knowledge of what constitutes 'normal' in relationship terms is heavily influenced by all the crap on TV/the internet/social media these days - I think she believes teen boys are all like in The Inbetweeners etc, just as school ought to be like in Waterloo Road! She thinks her parents are completely out-of-date with no concept of how relationships work now among teens so would not listen to any advice proffered.

I also have more general, non-sexual worries - she hangs out currently with a very straight-laced group of mainly ethnic minority girls who are not allowed to go out much so I don't currently need to worry about other teen issues like getting drunk, drugs etc. I don't know this boy so don't know if these things are more common among his social circle. DD does tend to be a bit of a follower, socially, so I'm not convinced she's have the confidence to 'just say no' to stuff like that (or indeed that she'd wish to).

But it's also possible that I'm worrying way too much, that she's actually quite sensible with a strong self-preservation streak and isn't that into the boy anyway!

[Didadida]

That's re DiaDuit's earlier question about what I'm worried about - I looked away and a whole load of extra replies had been posted!

[Didadida]

Re having 'that' chat - because she's at an all girls school and barely knew any boys, it didn't really seem very urgent. Obviously, when it's come up in conversation, I've raised the usual points re consent, etc, but specific stuff about contraception has never seemed necessary. Eek!

Oh, and DH will pick her up - I don't drive hence DH doing this, but he'd want to do that to check out visibility of parents/meet the boy properly (last time he just saw him as one of a group DD was hanging out with).

It's hard - I genuinely don't want to squish her independence and am happy if she gets a bit of 'normal' teenage life (her schoolfriends are lovely but even I think she should probably go out more!). I'd just like to have confidence that this boy is the right person to do that with and that he's not a layabout/potential sexual predator/druggie etc.