DH and I have different boundaries - causing big problems with ds (13)

[pasanda]

What do you do if parenting styles between parents are different?

I have a ds (13) who has suddenly turned into 'Kevin', literally overnight, about a month ago. He is dh's stepson whom he has known since he was 4.

DH is very 'old school'. Went to boarding school from the age of 7, had nannies throughout childhood and has a quite formal relationship with his 'mother'.

I went to the local comp and am very close to my parents now.

I have also read the books - Get out of my Life, Blame my Brain etc so have kind of got an understanding from those about what is happening with ds and I am really trying not to make everything with him a battle. DS says some quite rude things to me which if said in a serious way, would cause me to punish him. But half the time they are done in a jokey way and I know he doesn't really mean them and I try to diffuse an argument by not getting cross.

DH cannot, and I mean really cannot, see this. Instead he says there are no boundaries from me, he doesn't even understand what my boundaries are and if he doesn't, how the hell will ds.

Last night, we had (yet another) row about it all and dh has now said he's done. He is going to have no more involvement with me and ds at all and is leaving it all to me, but beware, ds is going to turn into a nightmare. We also have a dd (10) his stepdaughter, and our own dts (6). I did say that we have another 12 years of teenage behaviour and he really does need to see that things are not always black and white and sometimes you do need to let things just go, otherwise, we will be living in a household full of battles and negativity. He just said 'have fun - you're on your own' and then refused to engage further.

This last month, since ds turned, has been hard. It is putting enormous strain on our already shaky marriage and I actually feel sick at the thought of ds's bedtime tonight, the bolshiness that goes with it re giving up his phone and the consequent atmosphere it is going to create, yet again, between me and dh.

I am really not sure how to compromise, we are so different in our ways.

[annielostit]

Not that what I'll say will help but your really not alone with this one.
My dh is the same as yours and has been with us since ds was 4.he says my ds needs to get a grip etc and grow up etc.my hubby is emotionally detached, its to stop him getting hurt. He puts different aspects of his life in boxes and only uses what he needs at that time, iyswim. Its a typical thing with males.
If you can talk to your ds it might help. I did it with mine.
I told him that I understood that he was growing/changing and has raging hormones etc but we still had to live together and we would have to meet 60/40. I explained that dsf wasn't the same as us emotionally and he must try to think before flipping/answering back, everybody deserves respect and if I tried not to shout so should he.
Sorry for the long post but it might help.x

[Claybury]

I sympathise.
When you say your DH thinks firmer boundaries are needed is he actually setting these ? It sounds rather like he is taking a back seat and criticising your parenting style without really helping much. For example would your DH remove the phone tonight 'his way' and see if that works ? He might see it's not as easy as he thinks....
I personally think you are right, for your own sanity, to pick your battles. My DS can be awful to me , sometimes it's best ignored otherwise you will exhaust yourself.

Maybe you and your DH could go out one evening and talk about parenting away from the home whilst things are calm rather than in the heat of the moment. I think you are right to be concerned as parenting teens is really tough and you need to be a united front, even if that means a good cop, bad cop act. Kids are odd, my DS sometimes responds better to his dad even though he is stricter, which is illogical as his complaint is that as parents we are too strict.
Sorry not be be much help, I do sympathise, I know first hand 13-15 can be a terrible stage.
FWIW I think it would be worse for you if your DH was more liberal than you, teens need a firm hand.

[annielostit]

Not that what I'll say will help but your really not alone with this one.
My dh is the same as yours and has been with us since ds was 4.he says my ds needs to get a grip etc and grow up etc.my hubby is emotionally detached, its to stop him getting hurt. He puts different aspects of his life in boxes and only uses what he needs at that time, iyswim. Its a typical thing with males.
If you can talk to your ds it might help. I did it with mine.
I told him that I understood that he was growing/changing and has raging hormones etc but we still had to live together and we would have to meet 60/40. I explained that dsf wasn't the same as us emotionally and he must try to think before flipping/answering back, everybody deserves respect and if I tried not to shout so should he.
Sorry for the long post but it might help.x

[TeenAndTween]

I do think you need to agree boundaries between you all. Your husband can't abdicate responsibility, but also you can't let your DS rule the roost.

• eg Rudeness. Each parent defines what is rude for them and will call DS on it. Parents will not intervene if they hear apparent rudeness to the other. [Mind you jokey rudeness is all very well, but if they get into the habit they will do it to others eg teachers who won't find it funny]

• Giving up phone at night. Clear rule it must be done. Clear defined consequence if not done politely. [eg removed 1 hour earlier next day escalating to you stopping funding it or whatever]

• Agree times to be in by. Clear defined consequence if late. [eg phone removed for 1 hour or whatever]

• Agree whether you are bothered about state of DS's room etc.

Difficult to know what else to suggest without knowing the other main points of conflict.

If your husband cannot understand your boundaries then either you don't have them, or they aren't clear to him.

Maybe you both need to compromise. See what is most important to your DH, and what he is willing to let go.

[MRJJ007123445667687876]

Pasanda
'Get me out of my life' and 'Blame my brain' are rather extreme 'nothing-can-be-done' books. If you follow them you will get a teen that is horrible as described in 'get-me-out'. The author of this book is actually giving his endorsement to another book 'how to parent out of control teenagers', which is exactly the opposite of his own book - a lot of strategies of 'what-can-be-done'.

I am afraid I am with your husband here. You have an overly optimistic view and by letting things go with your ds you are creating the teenage monster that you might find impossible to control when he is only a year or two older.

We follow the 'How to parent an out-of control teenager' book because we too, went down the slippery road of laissez-faire far too long. The core of the book is to create a contract with the teenager that both parents and the teen sign, which contains any number of mutually agreed rules with associated punishments when broken. This contract was and still is an absolute life-saver with our DS15. I warmly recommend it and maybe you and DH can find a mutual line together in this.

At the moment you are on a fast road to disaster. Sorry, to be so harsh but I think it is best someone is warning you before it is too late.

[pasanda]

Thanks so much for your input.

MRJ - You raise interesting points about the books. I got those because of lots of recommendations on here and think they are good, but maybe I am following those books a bit too much, rather than relying on my instinct. It's something I did when ds was a baby with Penelope Leach, Gina Ford etc and got myself in such a muddle with trying to do the right thing that when I actually realised what was happening and tried to just be me, things did get better. I might try the book you recommend instead, but don't want to confuse myself further!

Teen&tween - again interesting about the rudeness thing. He has been pulled up at school lately quite a bit about talking back and not respecting teachers etc so maybe you are right in saying that he might get into the habit.

Claybury, dh does set boundaries and ds does respond to them. When I work night shifts for example, the phone is taken off him at the agreed time and he goes to bed. DH says it is not a problem. The thing is, ds is not the same with me as he is with him or his real father (with whom he has a good relationship). He just does things for them. With me, I get the strops and tantrums and all and just think that for the sake of letting him have his phone for 10 extra minutes of an evening, when he is having a snack before bed, why not just let him. DH says he is walking all over me and getting away with it.

I have a friend who has a fantastic relationship with he dd, dd tells her everything and they are really the best of friends (she is also 13). I asked her what happens at bedtime and she said her dd has her phone and goes to bed between 10-10.30pm by herself. She is doing well at school so my friend doesn't see the problem. I guess I am jealous of that. There are no battles between them, there is mutual respect, she gets her phone until she goes to bed. I want that with my ds.

But maybe I will never have that (he is a boy I suppose). Maybe I am trying too hard. It's just that it is literally over the last month or two, since he turned 13, that I am having these issues and I guess I am just learning too. I have never parented a teen before and I want to be friends with him and get it right. I read these boards all the time, again trying to help me do the right thing. But dh is making me feel weak and soft and crap at it

[TeenAndTween]

In my opinion, teens don't need parents to be their friends . They have loads of friends to be friends with. What they need from a parent is a parent. You do need to keep lines of communication open, but that's not the same as being a friend.

Do you remember when your DS was a toddler? If he whined for something did you eventually give in, or stand firm because you knew that giving in to whining would only increase it? Same thing with a teen.

re the phone. Make sure you give warnings. e.g. DS don't forget, phone being handed over in 15 minutes 5 minutes 1 minute. Then he has no excuse for not being ready. Otherwise you just need to set the deadline earlier to allow for all the strops.

[pasanda]

No I suppose not. I guess I meant - friend..ly with him rather than friends. Not battling and at loggerheads all the time.

I do eventually get the phone and he goes to bed, it's just that I am not rigid with the 'you will hand over your phone at 9.30pm, or else' thing. If he has it for ten more mins, because he is watching the end of a football match or whatever, then I don't see the problem. But dh does.

[TeenAndTween]

As a matter of interest, does he watch the football on the phone?

[TeenAndTween]

Yes you don't want to be battling and at loggerheads, so friendly, mutual respect, him acknowledging you are in charge.

If there is a reason to change usual times, eg later TV programme, that should be negotiated before the deadline time, not at the time. e.g. Mum, I would like to watch XYZ that finishes at 9:45. Is that OK? You either say Yes, or No - but I'll record it for you.

[MRJJ007123445667687876]

Pasandra, you get the strops because you DS feels your insecurity and softness and takes advantage of you. This is only going to get worse the more you give in, the more often you allow 10min here and the more you let him insult you 'as a joke'.

About the jealousy: I have 7 nieces and nephews and apparently they are all perfect, play instruments, are highly motivated in school and wonderful at sport. Our DS is nothing like that despite the best circumstances.

In my dark hours I want to take all those 7 teens together with their smug mothers (my SILs) and strangle them...such is life.

The bottom line: we need to deal with the hand we have been given and stop comparing us to others. Both my SILs are bloody show-offs and I bet if their children were mine I would find a lot wrong with them...

Having said all that I think you are setting yourself up for a huge disappointment if you expect you DS to be self-regulated like a little adult and even a friend.

I recently had an outing with my DS that I enjoyed - we went to an alpaca park together and had a meal there - I felt I had a friend. I am telling you - this was the FIRST time in his life that I felt that way. THE FIRST TIME EVER!! at the age of 15.

[KarlWrenbury]

you need to buy How To Talk to Teenagers, the book

When s1 was underperforming at school H wanted to be all confrontational - I said yo him : you can if you like but he will never trust you again'.

H did it my way and had the grace to admit I WAS RIGHT

[pasanda]

No, the football is just the world cup stuff on the TV. His phone is an obsession with KIK, snap chat and instagram etc. We live very rurally, about half an hour away from his school so he can't just go out and kick a football around with mates and stuff like that, so his phone is his social life when he is at home iyswim - another reason why I am not so strict with him about it. I can appreciate that if we did live on an estate he would be out and about with his mates. But this is not an option for him.

He also has a girlfriend whom he is obsessed with and 'chats' to on the phone all the time and she does not seem to have time limits so this really bothers him that we take his phone off him when she is just coming on hers. Again, I can appreciate this would frustrate him and he reacts to us doing this.

[pasanda]

MRJ - you are right. He cannot self regulate like my friends dd. I have to accept that and regulate for him at the moment. I can totally appreciate your feelings about your nieces and nephews

It is good I have posted, I feel a bit stronger already. But I still feel nervous about bedtime, although I have given him a warning tonight about giving me the phone gracefully and he seemed OK with that…..we shall see - I'll let you know!

[KarlWrenbury]

i do this

'what time were you thinking about bedtime"
Mine normally say a reasonable hour

you say
Oh you can stay up ( extra 15 mins)

you look ace and they look wowed

Then you say, but screens off by ( whatever)

and out charging on the landing

thats the deal
Dont explain yourself or jsutify it just repeat it

if not then take the phone away or stop paying for it

[MRJJ007123445667687876]

All our various screen times are specified in our 'contract' - negotiated at a time when DS was in a reasonable mood and can be re-negotiated only on Sundays.

If any any rule is broken, there are no screens the next day or whatever the consequence is.

It's easy - there is never a discussion.

But goodness forbid I say or forbid anything that is not in the contract! Ds goes beserk! To be honest - I never try - I just keep to the contract and mostly it goes well. (The only thing the contract can not do is getting him better grades in school :((

Interestingly, if I allow something that is not in the contract DS is going beserk as well. I have not figured out why - it must be some deep psychological reason. (I get that one wrong ever so often - too bad!)

[KarlWrenbury]

we dont have any rules on screens - we love them ourselves.
we rely on the kids to self regulate

it works for us.
Mates kid has half an hour a day. So he just comes around here all day!

[KarlWrenbury]

and they certainly dont go beserk, ever!

[mintysmum]

Pasanda - I understand this difference in parenting styles, we have it in a similar way and have ups and downs with our DS1 who is 13.

In general I think the downs happen when Dh and I are not working together as a team. DS senses that and plays up. He will try and get away with stuff with me because I'm more 'flexible' and will avoid DH.

But when I back up DH (even if I think he's being too strict) DS accepts it, the issue is resolved and we move on. I kick myself sometimes for not supporting Dh more as it is clearly easier easier for kids to understand and they respond well. But I can't always support DH as he is also old-school and will agree a rule like 'bed at 930' but then want to stick to it despite DS being fascinated by some airport programme, it being a Saturday night and DS politely asking for another half hour. I'd say yes to that, DH would say 'but we agreed 930' and stick to it.

Really hard but I definitely feel the better thing is to agree together as a couple where your boundaries are and stick to the agreements, not be all flexible which comes across to kids as wishy washy. I am going to try this more myself as life just flows more easily.

I trained as a primary school teacher and my best tutor taught us that you need to introduce strict rules in your classroom to begin with and only when the class understand them and respond well to them behaviourally, can you relax them on the odd occasion. Maybe it's like that with teenagers, we are not nearly settled enough to relax rules here and there, maybe that won't come for another couple of years.

[pasanda]

Well, tonight bedtime went without a hitch really. I had warned ds what was going to happen and I also said that his being a pain in the bum at bedtime was affecting me and dh and he therefore had to do as he's told.

He left the lounge at 9.30 (minus his phone - yey) and got a snack from the kitchen. Then got some earphones from the study and wanted to check them out on his phone, so he would know they were OK for tomorrow. I let him do this, dh remained silent but I sensed a bit of twitching, but after a couple of mins he went up to bed.

I thanked him when I went to say goodnight, for going to bed and relinquishing his phone without a paddy.

It's good, an improvement, but I really hope that I won't be on tenterhooks every bedtime for the next 5 years!!!


Mintys mum - thanks. The airport programme thing - that is what dh is like and I hate it. I keep thinking to myself that if I was a single parent I wouldn't do it like that but I know we have to try and come across as a united front. Bloody hard though when you know in your heart that it is not your way...

[pasanda]

Karl - you see, you sound like my friend I mentioned upthread. You let them have screens etc but you have control

[KarlWrenbury]

Tongiht sounds ace though. Calm. Pre warnings. talking respectfully
Explain how his behaviour impacts on you ONCE without droning on and on

[KarlWrenbury]

think if you were on your phone, or PC like now
How would you like to be 'got to bed"?

[KarlWrenbury]

NO RUDE BITS YOU PERVERTS

[weatherall]

If he is 13 with a girlfriend he is 'obsessed' with then I hope you've had the sex/contraception chat with him.

thats what is be worried about not his phone/bedtime.