ds angry outburst - tramatised mum _ help pls

(51 Posts)
summer68 Thu 26-Sep-13 15:55:22

Hi I came to mumsnet to find someone to talk to and for advice.
My son had an angry outburst few days ago. He very rarely helps around the house, and if he is asked he will debate it until you wish you never asked. However a few days ago I asked him to mow the lawn -the debate began and I explained that it would be nice for his dd when he got home , as his dd wakes him every, makes him breakfast and usually drives him to college. My son then informed me he didn't care about anyone and launched into an angry tirade telling me I was mad and that It was my intention to wind him up. He then clapped his hands cm from my face congratulating me on winding him up. He then told me to Fxxx off . ( in hindsight I should have left then) I talked calmly to him but he began shouting again he told me to Fxxx off 4 more times. I then decided to confiscate his ipad but as I leaned down to pick it up he got me in a headlock and pulled me down. When he let go I was leaving the room( visibly upset and he called me a cxxt. He then shouted that I had created him and it was my fault he was angry. I am ashamed to say I replied that I had obviously made a mistake. This made him even madder and he launched after me and I just froze and he rained down lots of nasty words. He the smashed his ipad into a mirror and cracked it. He then left the house but I was left very shaken and upset.
When my dh spoke to him later, my son said that I had said something horrible and so he got angry. My dh ( I feel) can't believe that he was so aggressive and thinks I must have provoked his outburst. My Dd has encountered a couple of short outbursts but also thinks I must have provoked ds. I have been off work as I've been so tearful and distressed. However my son has been swaning around as if nothing happened ( except when his dad has spoken to him- then he becomes tearfull)- I hate to say it but I think he's playing his dad so he doesn't get into trouble. I have expressed this to my dh but I think he thinks I've gone crazy. Our dd has said she thinks he is stressed at college so my dh doesn't want to punish him - not wanting to push him over the edge.
I know I'll get honest feedback here. Any advice welcome. Thank you.

Pagwatch Thu 26-Sep-13 16:02:23

Firstly, there is nothing - literally nothing - that you could have done that would justify his behaviour.
If his girlfriend/partner described his behaving to her as he did to you, would you be wondering if she had provoked it?

How old is he?
If my son did that he would come him to find all his belongings sold/thrown out and he would be grounded for ever.

What did your DH do? How is he tolerating such behaviour. How as your on been punished. If he is so stressed that he uses it as an excuse to assault you, has he been to the Doctor?

summer68 Thu 26-Sep-13 16:12:00

Thanks for your reply pagwatch, your message has made me cry- you sound as outraged as I hoped my husband should be! My dh has not " punished "him at all. I am avoiding him as I'm not in a state to talk to him yet. My ds went to the cinema yesterday and his dad offered to pick him up. Thank you for your support.

summer68 Thu 26-Sep-13 16:12:53

My ds is 16 .

Oh my god! OP you did nothing to deserve this and I'm as angry at your husband as I am at your son. angry

Has your DS apologised at all?

Are both of your kids teens? As long as your DD isn't tiny I would pack a bag and go stay somewhere for a few days (but don't tell them how long) be it a travelodge or a friend or relative. It will send a clear message that you will not be treated this way.

Does your husband usually support you with the kids?

humphryscorner Thu 26-Sep-13 16:24:58

shock omg! flowers

The first poster was right there was no excuse.

Hope your ok.

For me Dh is out of order not taking your word on it. He should be supporting his wife and not letting this behaviour towards you continue! Ds will not betaking this seriously if his father is not backing you up. what an awful situation.

Not qualified on what to say but im sure some wise old owls will be along soon. sad and angry at same time xx

humphryscorner Thu 26-Sep-13 16:26:28

As long as your DD isn't tiny I would pack a bag and go stay somewhere for a few days (but don't tell them how long) be it a travelodge or a friend or relative. It will send a clear message that you will not be treated this way.

^^^^^^^^ that is what I would do x

Pagwatch Thu 26-Sep-13 16:33:47

God Op - I am heading out soon. I hope you get advice and support.
Please please remember, before you get sucked into passing this off as stress or whatever , that how this is dealt with now will impact your son in his adulthood .
Telling a young man that he can hit and beat and curse when 'stressed' is a terrible thing to do - to him, to those he loves in the future and any children he may have.
Ask your DH if he will be happy one day if your stressed out ds takes it out on his wife or child . Because your DH is telling him its fine.

Dramamama Thu 26-Sep-13 16:35:07

Op I know exactly how you feel I had to grow up seeing the same sort of behaviour from my younger sister she had no respect at all for my mum or dad and on several occasions was physically and verbally abusive to them and both myself and my db 's, it was unbearable and I left home when I was 18 just to get away from her.
The trouble was my dad punished her and never let her get away with it...my dm on the other hand hmm would scream at my dad that he was in the wrong and defend my ds. She is now 21 and I can honestly say she's slightly better but when she does blow she had no one but my dm to take it out on as my dd works long hrs (I suspect to get away) and both my db's left as soon as they could as I did. My mum now blames herself for not doing something sooner and essentially pushing us all away and none of us have a decent relationship with ds as were constantly walking on eggshells around her, I don't even trust her around my dc.
I think what I'm saying is do SOMETHING because that kind of behaviour should not be tolerated by anyone let alone you as his dm you have loved him fed him and clothed him for 16yrs tell him to show some f@&!$@g respect! angry Hope it all turns out ok and your not subjected to that crap again xx

watchingout Thu 26-Sep-13 16:35:57

He may be "stressed at college" but that is atrocious behaviour! A headlock is violent and abusive. If he is 16, I'm guessing that he has just started his first year of college. So - a few weeks in? Hardly into the stressy stage...

ALL your family need to be aware that you will not tolerate such behaviour. It sets a bad example to younger children and your DH should be supporting you 100%. You can address the causes for DS's temper together. Time for a talk with DH first, then a united front to the children. Good luck! Keep posting for support

summer68 Thu 26-Sep-13 16:37:41

Dd is 17 and prone to outbursts but nothing like my son's rage the other day.
The problem I have is that we usually have a good relationship with both children and so I think my dh doesn't want to believe his ds is capable of what I've described. My dh has asked me over and over what happened, but I can see he has doubts - he is usually extremely supportive of me and he has been concerned for my distress. We usually deal with our dc by just one of us doing the discipline so as not to outnumber them. ( good cop bad cop)
I can't tell you how relieved I feel that you are outraged for me. I am just numb at the moment , but I've realised that's the reaction I needed from my dh I'll talk to him. Thank yoy

CatelynStark Thu 26-Sep-13 16:43:16

This is absolutely appalling behaviour from both your son and your husband - I'd have called the police and had the boy locked up.

Please get angry. And get yourself out of this toxic, dangerous situation.

tobiasfunke Thu 26-Sep-13 16:50:16

This is awful. Even if you'd wound him up to within an inch of his life putting you in a headlock is completely unacceptable. Your dh is not doing his son any favours. Why does he think you would make this stuff up? I would also leave for a bit - they are not going to take you seriously otherwise.

FavoriteThings Thu 26-Sep-13 16:55:57

You need to tell him that you will not tolerate violence towards you. And tell your husband that also. I dont think your husband will be able to bury his head for much longer. It is possible or likely that your son will blow his top again.

I do think you need to see if your son will tell you why he has got so angry lately. Sine he is tearful around his dad, perhpas he should be the one having a conversation about it. Perhaps when they watch the same things, or are doing a joint thing together.

OhDearNigel Thu 26-Sep-13 16:58:11

What your son has done is domestic violence. ABH or battery at the least. You are perfectly entitled to report this to the police which would result in him being locked up in a cell, interviewed and charged.

I cannot believe how your not so "D" H has reacted. He obviously has more respect for his son's account than he does yours. I actually think that this is worse than your son's behaviour. Surely the fact that he has smashed up his Ipad is rather a giveaway ?

If I were you I would be angrier with DH's betrayal and refusal to back me up. You are supposed to be a parenting team with a united front; what he is doing is undermining you and siding with his children. Disgraceful.

Badvoc Thu 26-Sep-13 17:01:54

Next time he does it - and I have a bad feeling he will - call the police.
He assaulted you.
He should be punished.

Pagwatch Thu 26-Sep-13 17:02:54

Would you be able to say out loud and clearly what he did to you in front of both him and your dh?
At the moment you don't have good cop - bad cop. You have divide and rule.
There is a danger of this becoming swept under the carpet.

HerrenaHarridan Thu 26-Sep-13 17:05:32

Next time call the police.

For your self, your dd and your future dils you cannot allow him to treat you like this.

Is your dh usually this much of a dick?

There is NOTHING you could have done to deserve this.

bigTillyMint Thu 26-Sep-13 17:05:49

What everyone above has said.

How scary it must have been for you. And how awful that your DH is not sticking by you.

Has your DS ever done anything approaching like this before?

summer68 Thu 26-Sep-13 17:08:52

Thank you SO much for your messages and support! I'm so glad I came here. Sad story dramamuma I shall keep your words in mind). I think this incident has been a wake up call to me and I need to take off my rose coloured spectacles. Xx

watchingout Thu 26-Sep-13 17:14:36

How would your DH have reacted if DS had lost his temper with him? Do they ever have barneys?

gamerchick Thu 26-Sep-13 17:14:45

I would have knocked him clean on his arse but I'm not going to recommend it.

I do agree with packing a bag and going away for a few days though to clear your head. Don't tell them where your going.. just go.

The fact you're not being supported is frankly appalling and that message needs to be hammered home to your husband before you can even start to deal with your son's behaviour.

I would also get some nanny cams so you have a visual reference for next time because there will be one.

Next time ring the police to come for him and put the fear of God into him. He's walking all over you and needs putting back in his place.

You must be feeling bloody awful.. I'm so sorry sad

Wuldric Thu 26-Sep-13 17:18:07

That is assault. It is completely unacceptable. Pag speaks sense. Next time, call the police.

summer68 Thu 26-Sep-13 17:25:21

Thanks ohdearnigel, I did feel very let down by my dh. My dd informed me I should have walked away ( so I walked away from her, upset) .
I did threaten to call the police just as he was letting my head go.
I said to my dh yesterday that I feel violated twice - one by our ds and then by dh not totally believing me. If a stranger had done this to me I know he would be outraged. But I really think he can't imagine his son doing it.
My ds wouldn't dare try it with his dad.
Big Tillymint- he's not been physical before, but he has sworn and has many times said he doesn't care about any of us. Yes I was scared, I've just realised my dh didn't ask me that.
I Feel like I've been a complete victim, but I so shaken I don't have the strength to deal with my ds. But he is acting as if nothing happened.I feel like I don't know him.

AvonCallingBarksdale Thu 26-Sep-13 17:28:02

God, OP, that's absolutely appalling behaviour from your DS and DH, I'm afraid. You would be well within your rights to call 999. Imagine if a friend was telling you what you've told us regarding her and her DH - what do you think you'd advise her to do? Hormonal/confused/frustrated, whatever your DS is, this is totoally unacceptable. Hope you are OK.

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