Your Teen wins....

(156 Posts)
TopsyRK Mon 28-Jan-13 17:04:32

Your teen wins as soon as you raise your voice, they are looking for conflict.

Your rules should always be...

Ask first
Tell second
Punish third

Ask them to do something, if no reaction, then tell them, if no reaction punish them, never raise your voice or argue with them as you are the parent.

Trust me not easy but it works

Chris

flow4 Wed 30-Jan-13 21:46:21

I've tried to quit too Maryz, but although I am officially The Worst Mother In The World, neither of my kids will accept my resignation. confused hmm
Sorry you had a bad day. Hope your cry helped. smile >HUG<

tattoosarenotallowed Wed 30-Jan-13 18:10:59

What The Actual Fuck?

Maryz Wed 30-Jan-13 17:59:57

The difficulty Chris (trying to be nice here) is that some of us are dealing with practically impossibly sad situations with our teenagers. And it is difficult to listen to people - and we seem to get a fair few of them on this board - who swan in and say "teenagers are lovely, if yours isn't then you have really screwed up".

We know we have screwed up sad. Unfortunately we are not quite sure where, or how, or why it all went wrong. We are just trying to cope with where we are now.

This is a nice, supportive board 90% of the time grin. The remaining 10% of the time we all gang and frighten away those who say "why don't you ground him?" or "I wouldn't put up with that" or "you reap what you sow" - a particular favourite hmm of mine which I hear a lot in real life.

Today I told ds2 quietly and calmly that I didn't want to be a mother any more, that I was crap at it and was quitting. I then calmly and quietly locked myself into my room and burst into tears.

Chris I understand what you were trying to do in your opening post, and I get that you just wanted to tell everyone about your method and were hoping to help.

And I have no doubt that, for a mildly stroppy teenager, your method would work. As would many other methods.

But you can't just turn up here and give us all your wisdom, you really can't. You didn't ask for a debate or a conversation, you just told us what to do. Can you not see that hackles would be raised immediately? Have you heard of the term Mansplaining?

And, there are lots of people in this section with terrible anxieties about their teens - way beyond taking away their xbox because there was a stand-off over homework, and those people, me included, know very well that their child is looking for conflict (thanks very much).

If you want to stick around, hunker down, have a look around, get feel of the place and, if you really have experience with difficult teens, you might become a useful poster. Only don't lecture or presume, because, unlike real life where others might nod politely and ignore , on here you will be told to back off.

cory we are currently waiting for a CAHMS appointment for dd. I hope things progress well with you and you come out the other side.

chris clearly you never will get it. Ever. You don't see that there's a massive difference between offering advice relevant to a particular situation and starting a thread advising us to parent your way.

Good luck. Seriously.

cory Wed 30-Jan-13 15:40:34

Thanks, Hully and Lynette and TooMuchTea for support and sympathy thanks

We are getting support, we are picking ourselves up again. The anti-depressants are helping (and apparently you can take 16 times the dose and survive confused).

But I know very well that I am not the only poster on the teenage forum who has problems way beyond what Chris' facile approach can solve.

TopsyRK Wed 30-Jan-13 15:37:11

Thank you, dont worry I do know what you are trying to say...

Just we have different views is all

Hullygully Wed 30-Jan-13 15:33:18

good luck topsy/chris

Hullygully Wed 30-Jan-13 15:32:45

water

horse

won't drink

Hullygully Wed 30-Jan-13 15:31:57

wall

head

bangs

TopsyRK Wed 30-Jan-13 15:30:27

BUMP
ONE THOUSAND MILLION APOLGIES!!!!

I have just re-read through what I wrote and can not say sorry enough, the line 'the rules should be' should have read 'you may want to try'.

Whether I was having a dyslexic moment, which I am, I was reading what I thought I had written, it was only last night during a sexual health training session I noticed I had written around pregnancy testing and urine samples...'you may want tor try' using a clean container and a mid-stream sample from the first passing of urine in the morning.

I was working on this workshop when I was writing the post and must have cross written on both. I am so sorry for any offence caused, I would never presume to tell people what to do that is just not me.

Once again women have been proved right, men cannot multi-task...I really really am sorry.

Chris

PS I should have noticed as I also wrote carering on the same day inthe carers thread.

I shall now bend over and wait for the slaps.

Now this is what I posted earlier but have since been told...

"We are all equals on here, you may feel you have reams of expertise to share and be desperate to give advice, but you have to earn your stripes.

You have to start by joining in as an ordinary person, and hope that eventually someone ASKS you for advice..."

I have never put myself above anybody, plus as an equal do I not have the same rights as others to start a post or offer advice?

Chris. (I always use my real name so others know I am a real person, it makes it more personal)

Hullygully Wed 30-Jan-13 15:17:31

cory, I have seen a couple of posts about your dd, I send you sympathy and love. There is nothing worse than seeing our dc suffering.

cory Wed 30-Jan-13 14:53:36

And fwiw not all teens want to win. Just been having a major session with dd's CAHMS team and it is pretty obvious to all of us that dd's biggest problem is that she doesn't want to win: she just wants mummy to sail in and take all the fear and pain away.

cory Wed 30-Jan-13 14:50:27

Chris, it's not about any special rules for this forum, it's about the normal rules for human intercourse.

You don't join any new group of people you don't know and start preaching at them if you are not there in some sort of official capacity that gives you the role as their teacher.

You start in gently, getting to know people, listening to what they have to say, maybe find out how much they are likely to know or want to know.

I am a lecturer in RL. If I am invited to a party with a load of strangers, I don't get up on a table and deliver a lecture. I join a conversation or ask a question. If I go to a toddler coffee morning I don't start telling the other mums what to do until I have seen some evidence that they want my advice.

This is not about being a bloke, either: most blokes don't behave like that in RL; they couldn't get along in a new workplace or down the pub if they did.

As Hully said earlier, this forum (like so many places where social intercourse takes place) is about equals.

Hullygully Wed 30-Jan-13 13:00:55

tantrums' advice is good too.

Spectacular xpost with hully

Damn my slow typing. And slow brain.

I agree with Hully. It's just not the way it works on MN. Plus the OP could have been worded along the lines of 'I have a theory of what may work with disciplining teens, what does everyone think? Maybe. ?

chris I don't think that's what hully meant.

IMO the point is, it is slightly....I don't know, patronizing is the word that springs to mind to start a thread basically telling people how to parent their teens.
There are many threads on here asking for help and support with specific problems people may be having with their children asking for advice and I think your post would have been a lot better on a thread asking for help, rather than starting a thread telling everyone what you think we should all be doing.

We don't all have the same teenagers, I have 2 that as as different as night and day.
So if I need advice I post about a specific problem and people offer their experiences, whether they have been on mumsnet for 10 minutes or 10 years is irelevant, any advice great fully recieved.

Your thread appears to be aimed at all of us, disregarding the fact that some of us parent very differently but still have "good" children as a result.

Hullygully Wed 30-Jan-13 12:58:08

We don't sign our names either.

Another peice of advice for you to ignore is to actually hang out a bit and see how things are done, try and fit in. I expect that's a bit boring for you, you're just bursting to tell people what to do.

oh well.

Hullygully Wed 30-Jan-13 12:57:05

This is my last attempt...

It's not about written RULES and LAWS

It's about how this place works, it is more of a co-operative and the ways of operating that have developed over time are held dearly by its members. As in RL, many "rules" and conventions are unspoken, they are about tone and attitude. Would you march into a RL arena, a playground or a pub and start giving people unasked for advice? We call that Mansplaining, it is very much a male trait and not something we like.

However, I expect you'll ignore this and be surprised when you continue to put people's backs up...

noddyholder Wed 30-Jan-13 12:54:43

grin hully!

Hullygully Wed 30-Jan-13 12:53:51

good luck with that then

TopsyRK Wed 30-Jan-13 12:51:14

Hmm ok Hully, I have just read the rules and guidelines for Talk but found nothing about earning stripes etc... or about waiting to be asked?

I did find bits about being openly called a troll etc but that was it, I have explained and made an apology which you can either accept or not, that is up to you, but I am very sorry I will not be sitting back earning stripes when I may have some advice that would help somebody in need.

I am well aware that on many forum sites old hands are formed etc, but to say somebody new cannot basically offer advice unless asked...sorry not happening.

Chris

Hullygully Wed 30-Jan-13 11:54:24

That's still not it, Chris.

We are all equals on here, you may feel you have reams of expertise to share and be desperate to give advice, but you have to earn your stripes.

You have to start by joining in as an ordinary person, and hope that eventually someone ASKS you for advice and perhaps you might find a place for yourself

TopsyRK Wed 30-Jan-13 11:47:08

ONE THOUSAND MILLION APOLGIES!!!!

I have just re-read through what I wrote and can not say sorry enough, the line 'the rules should be' should have read 'you may want to try'.

Whether I was having a dyslexic moment, which I am, I was reading what I thought I had written, it was only last night during a sexual health training session I noticed I had written around pregnancy testing and urine samples...'you may want tor try' using a clean container and a mid-stream sample from the first passing of urine in the morning.

I was working on this workshop when I was writing the post and must have cross written on both. I am so sorry for any offence caused, I would never presume to tell people what to do that is just not me.

Once again women have been proved right, men cannot multi-task...I really really am sorry.

Chris

PS I should have noticed as I also wrote carering on the same day inthe carers thread.

I shall now bend over and wait for the slaps.

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